When The Rain Falls - Prologue

by SunsetSprite

Published August 6, 2013

12+

In When The Rain Falls

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When the Rain Falls

Prologue

If you ever had any memories swimming in your mind, what would be your worst? Over the years, I have asked people this and they’ve given me the same answer over and over as if they were on record, the memory of when they were lost. Now, usually I’m not the one to complain about thing since my mum always told me not to, but as a stubborn British girl, I would have to disagree with you. You see, not everything in this world what it seems to be. Some things may grow to be taller than expected or others may be soaring high in the sky, people just don’t see it. I understand I must be confusing you, so let me put it bluntly, my dad expected me to have short brunet hair, but being stubborn, I grew it long with a bob fringe.

I’ve just realized something; you have no idea who I am. Well, my name is Alice Tiffany Mary Michelson and I’m currently in a boarding school deep within the country side of England. It’s not so bad, the flowers reach out towards the sun each month trying to grab the raise to keep them alive and the rolling hillside that goes on endlessly into the distance. Although, it would be nice to actually see some sun, even though I said before that the flowers bloom with it. It’s always pouring with the clouds tears that gush out of their eyes and drench the entire fields, making everyone trapped inside this jail cell.

Within the school grounds there are the usual things people would expect like gardens, the school uniforms marching everywhere in sight and teachers yelling at the students for not obeying their meaningless rules. I would be leaning against a wall behind the troublemakers at times, snickering at their stupidity for even being noticed for beating up a kid or using their phone in public areas. This is what I get for being invisible and innocent, the ability to laugh at someone’s face for no apparent reason and not been seen even if it does get lonely. Usually, I lean against the wall to get away from the people because they all think I’m weird because I can see things they can’t.

I’ve always been like this, seeing thing behind walls and in the sky that others cannot. It’s not my fault they don’t have the ‘imagination’ I have, this ‘imagination’ has taken over my life from that very day. I shall explain later, but right now I want to show you something.

Through the maze, over the hills, across the seas, this is what people expect from an adventure of a life time. However, mine didn’t start there, instead its starts in front of a mirror.

When you look into a mirror, what do you see? Do you see a thin person or a creative person? Do you see someone who has it all or has hardly anything? Do you see a scary, thin, big, small, tall or different person staring right at you? Well, I hate to break it to you, but what you see is none of them at all, it’s something entirely different. Your reflection that stares at you is called a bad copy; it all depends on the weather and how many middle names you have. I can’t tell you more, for that is for your mind to discover. However, I leave you with this sane. Please try to remember, for it’s important throughout this adventure.

When the rain falls, expect the unexpected, otherwise you’ll miss it. If you miss it, you’ll miss what’s coming to you and before you know it, you won’t be here anymore. Life’s all but a game, in fact, it’s a maze. When everything comes to a halt, you’ll see three paths. The right path is the good whilst the left is the bad; it’s up to you which one you choose. Whatever you do, don’t choose the middle but if you do, welcome to Hell.

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
Caesar
Review
Caesar wrote a review Review · Aug 7, 2013

hey there!

I read this, then I read it again. I'm still not quite sure what is the decisive use of this prologue is. On the one hand you introduce the character, on the other the setting, and then you hint at a plot; you do not finish these threads, so we're left wondering about all three. I suggest you only briefly mention the character, and instead hook us with the plot. Perhaps you could keep all three, but a lot of editing will be required. Let's now consider this, paragraph by paragraph.

You open up with what could be a potentially deep statement on facing your fears, yet somehow it morphs into you telling us your character is Mary Quite Contrary. What... how? I've read your opening paragraph five times now, and it still makes no sense to me. Where is the connection? You don't even pick up the original sentence, it's just dropped. I've noticed you tend to do it quite often here. This happens again two sentences later. Your character warns us how nothing is as it seems, and as example quotes... her hair.

Image

just how? It's not at all a valid example. It's like I were able to prove to you the sky is blue because the sun is not a star. It's kind of there... but not at all. Try another example. Really.

You could cut out these irrelevant sentences entirely, and go something like: "My name is Alice InsertMiddleNames, and I'm here to warn you: not everything is as it seems. Don't believe me? Look into a mirror on a rainy day. You'll see three paths."
BAM. Your entire prologue in three sentences, and if I do say so myself, it sounds far more intriguing. You can show us she's stubborn instead of telling us, you can show us where she stays and what she thinks of it, instead of telling us. Hell, you could show us the mirror thing. And bam, this prologue is useless.

Think about it. Show us, don't tell us. For further info read Summary vs. Scene as well as scrolling through this Show not Tell

Cheers
~Ita

Thank you for this.
Okay, I know about it not making sense but that's the whole point. If you continue to read on in the story you'll find it makes sense....Eventually.
Thank you again for this. It's just a draft but thanks for your opinion on it.

Caesar replied · Aug 8, 2013

the problem with deliberate madness is that not only it doesn't make sense, but it doesn't make sense in a way that doesn't intrigue my senses. If that makes sense ;)

Yes, that makes sense. Thank you! It's a draft so....^^;

User avatar
KnightTeen
Review
KnightTeen wrote a review Review · Aug 6, 2013

Hey, welcome to the site. Barefootrunner has already pointed out your grammar mistakes, so I'm going to save you the trouble and not mention any of those. I know it can get annoying if it gets mentioned over ad over again.

Over the years, I have asked people this and they’ve given me the same answer over and over as if they were on record, the memory of when they were lost.


I don't really understand what you are trying to say with this sentence, well, more like I don't understand the ending. When they were lost. Does this imply that they're dead? And I think that placing the word 'a' before the word 'record' might be a good idea.

I don't really know what else to say. You have a god plot line, but you're choppy and all over the place, jumping from one topic to the next. Really, all this needs is a little bit of grammar correction and some polishing, though. Not a major overhaul.

I like where this is going, and I can't wait to read more.

Happy Writing!
HT

Hey!
Thanks for helping me! There's another chapter already up if you're interested.
Thank you!

barefootrunner wrote a review Review · Aug 6, 2013

Hi there! Welcome to YWS :)

Okay, I've got a quick pick on your work. Lots of small grammar errors in here:

Now, usually I’m not the one to complain about thing since my mum always told me not to, but as a stubborn British girl, I would have to disagree with you.

complain about thing ==>complain.

You see, not everything in this world what it seems to be.

you are missing an "is".

I understand I must be confusing you, so let me put it bluntly, my dad expected me to have short brunet hair, but being stubborn, I grew it long with a bob fringe.

Here, you need to delete the comma and use a colon like this:
I understand I must be confusing you, so let me put it bluntly: my dad expected me to have short brunet hair, but being stubborn, I grew it long with a bob fringe.

Well, my name is Alice Tiffany Mary Michelson and I’m currently in a boarding school deep within the country side of England.

countryside. One word.

It’s not so bad, the flowers reach out towards the sun each month trying to grab the raise to keep them alive and the rolling hillside that goes on endlessly into the distance.

Full stop after "it's not so bad". Then rephrase like so:
It’s not so bad. The flowers reach out towards the sun each month trying to grab the raise to keep them alive. The rolling hillside goes on endlessly into the distance.

It’s always pouring with the clouds tears that gush out of their eyes and drench the entire fields, making everyone trapped inside this jail cell.

It's always pouring with rain, not clouds. Like this:
It’s always pouring with rain. Tears gush out of the clouds and drench the entire fields, trapping everyone inside this jail cell.

It’s not my fault they don’t have the ‘imagination’ I have, this ‘imagination’ has taken over my life from that very day.

What day? You don't mention any day before this. Also, replace the comma with a full stop :)

Okay, so you need to check over all your grammar. Back-to-basics comma splices, phrases and clauses and how to use them.

My overall picture was also very cluttered. You failed to conclude many of the statements you started, leaving the reader confused as to what you're really trying to say. Read through it carefully and once you start an "issue", finish it off!

Great job otherwise and keep writing :)

Feel free to contact me if you need anything or want to chat!

barefootrunner

Thank you!
Yes, I know about my grammar. It's bad. ^^; It always had been. So I thank you for the grammar edits.
I know the picture wasn't very clear but that's what I wanted...In a way.
Thank you again!



We do have funerals for the living. They're called birthday parties.
— Jill Biden (fictitiously), Hope Never Dies