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lover bo1

by Eli


pearl harbor loves me

but i am in love w / iwo jima ...

/

i’m thinking about your face i was as hungry as

o shit i hear a house nearby :

/

it is like the sound of confetti falling onto the snow

/

//

/

loving you is like having the sex memories of james dean ...

it’s like last being seen yesterday morning ...

the starbucks is a strictly blood-free

place

but i could not be bloodier if i tried

/

i am like william wallace in a department store that sells only white fur

/

i also am like fur-covered boxing gloves ...

/

i also resemble a hook-hand

for this i am more ghost than a good companion

/

//

/

the sky sinks in ...

i hold you but the darkness is so-so ...

one day we will be pleased until then :

in the future / in the house

/


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594 Reviews


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Sun Aug 25, 2013 11:59 pm
fortis wrote a review...



Hello :)
fortis here to do a review. (Pleas igonore how obvious that is)

This was a very interesting poem. You had some nice sensory details such as "fur-covered boxing gloves" and "it is like the sound of confetti falling onto the snow." I especially liked the part about Starbucks. It put a modern spin on this.
One thing I did not like was the spelling and the layout with all of these slashes. I don't know if you were doing this on a phone or something, but if I were you, I'd get to a computer and change it. It makes it look trashy and half-thought-out. I don't get why you did it. The subject doesn't appear to me to be about anything that would call for such grammar/language. I know you can write better than this, but I am reminded of something some angsty teen who *thought* they could write poetry but really couldn't would write.
I don't really understand a lot of what you were trying to say. I was too distracted by all the grammar issues, I'm sorry to say, and the deeper meaning was lost on me. I have no idea what you were trying to get across.

Good luck on your future writing exploits!
~Fortis




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Sun Aug 25, 2013 12:31 pm
Hannah wrote a review...



I told you I'd be here. I hope other reviews haven't scared you away.

This is really, really, really great stuff. I read another piece about nuclear bombs the other day that took a slightly abstract approach and got some good results. But nothing compared to this. You have skills that I dream about and envy, but need to sit down and practice. If you're up for conversation outside this review box, I'd love to PM with you and ask you about the creation process for this poem.

But first let me say why I love it.
First, the title is flippant. And if it doesn't trip a reader up because of their elitism, it lets them know that they are not going to be thinking linearly when they enter this poem. It's a literary piece, but you open with chatspeak, and the poem doesn't necessarily refer back to it, so you are letting people know to hang on tight and ride with you.

And you give us your thesis (or one of many possible theses) up front. You give us these strong, historical, solid lines that are solid enough to last the rest of your poem.
And from there you abstract. You evoke emotion. I love the openness of the images like the bloodiness in Starbucks. You leave this poem open so the reader can feel like they worked for it, too.

The only thing I was not thrilled with was the mention of a house. I was sad, too, because it was meant as the ending, which means I think I missed some meaningful thread you were trying to pull through. I liked the first mention of it:

o shit i hear a house nearby :


because it definitely sets us up to expect explanation, but I don't get what you offered in the last line.

I hope this review is helpful to you. Maybe not, because I was mostly just appreciating your approach. But I'd love to talk!
PM me if you have any questions or comments, or feel similarly inclined!
Good luck and keep writing! Please. ;D




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Mon Aug 12, 2013 3:35 am
CandidDreamer wrote a review...



Hello :). First of all, I kinda find this very hard to understand and grasp. Maybe im missing something? I do like the pictures that your words create, though confusing. This seems to be very random and jumbled. I fail to see its purpose, not trying to be mean. Maybe its just words that spoke to you, if so, then Who an I to judge? Anyway, nice imagery.




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Mon Aug 12, 2013 12:11 am
tgirly wrote a review...



I'm not sure how to even pronounce the title with the 'bo1', but I'm about as proficient in chatspeak as an eighty-year-old grandma. Speaking of chatspeak (referring to substituting u for you, i for I and w/ for with), a lot of people on Young Writers' Society have a pet peeve against chatspeak used in literary work, so I'd suggest revising it to proper grammar if there's not any significance in it (if there is, I apologize because I'm not picking up on the subtleties behind it.)

It's a lot of great imagery, but I wish that the stanzas connected together a bit more than they do, if that makes sense.

I feel for your spacing issues; I had those awhile back. But when I switched my browser from Internet Explorer to google chrome (I think there's probably other ones that work too, but I'm not a techy person.)

I hope this review helped!
-tgirly




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Thu Aug 08, 2013 8:37 pm
Eli says...



Can't get spacing to work for me. The single slashes are stanza breaks. The double slashes separate the three parts of the poem.

Mods, if you see this, please help.






Hullo!
Just letting you know that while we can't actually fix the formatting at the moment (this is an ongoing issue Nate is working on) I have just made the slashes white so they don't show up.
Hopefully a cure will be found soon. :)




I'm officially making it my goal in life to become a roomba. I want to be little robot. I want knives taped to me. I want to be free.
— TheMulticoloredCyr