Young Writers Society

Hello Ancient, Jonathan here with a review for you and you poem.

Okay first I would advise you to put some commas in and more capitalization.

Well I am wondering what you mean by "and one of them will be you" this is something that I think is not the best way to go by saying you so much I know you only said it like once but I am saying that it may be good to know that it is not good to do that.

And technically, almost every god that lives, lives forever.

Also this is not really a poem more of just a few well written lines, I mean they don't really rime with each other.

Also you were saying her then you said I know that would be okay if you say something like she says after you finish saying it.

Ans I can't see how what she is saying is madness.

Keep writing and good luck.

~Jonathan~

Ooh, I like this. I always like poems and stories that challenge our general perception of things. My absolute favorite part of this poem is your mention of the pointed teeth and hollow eyes. This personification is new because it's really PHYSICAL. It's adding sharp, hard objects and gaping holes to a nebulous idea. The rest of the poem gives her personification, too, but that's emotion and personality-related stuff that is not quite as shocking because it's easier to just philosophically personify things, right? When we try to physically do it, it can usually end up sounding ridiculous. Like putting googly eyes on a toaster. But you didn't put googly eyes on a toaster!

That is, however, maybe the problem, too? Because of that excellent shock, the rest of the poem comes off a little bit flat. The physical personification is so much stronger than the emotional that it makes the emotional sound like it's been done before, which I'm sure it also has. If I had to give you a suggestion, I'd say keep subtly and solidly bringing in that physical personification. Make this poem ring in your readers bodies so they can imagine themselves as a sun. The emotional personification has to be outside: they can think of someone else. But when you evoke physical and bodily images, your reader feels that within themselves. You've started that path. Can you finish it?

Let me know if you have any questions about my review. I hope you understand that your writing is strong, but you can dig deeper to use your writing skills to bring out deeper reactions!
Good luck and keep writing!

I really like this poem, it has a great sense mysteriousness to it.
I see what you are trying to do with keeping everything in lowercase, but the i's really bother me and I feel if anything they should be uppercase.
Thats' all up to your choice of course.

i am all, i am naught.

Sorry can't figure out how to delete blank posts....

Hi there! barefootrunner here with a quick review

Okay, so firstly, good work on the imagery! I'm really seeing visual concepts here, and that's a great sign that a poem got something right!

I'm not sure about your semi-colon. I'm all for colorful punctuation, but I'm not sure if it fits in there. There is a real danger that it links the two ideas it separates too closely, confusing the reader. So give it some thought and come back to it. I'm a great advocate of the dash instead of the comma. Try using it in one of the more prominent lines, like "i am the light-giver—" and then continuing. It draws more attention to what follows and links the ideas more closely.

Where the sun says "i am all, i am naught," think about replacing those abstract terms with something more concrete and useful to the reader's imagination. It is in that way that "creatures, eras, gods," is so important. It gives the reader's imagination something concrete to work with and is the life-blood of poetry!

Also, think of making those "i"s, "I"s. Not because I don't like the no-caps style, but because the sun is ranting about her power, so it would not be fitting for her to demean herself with mere lower case letters. She is more than a god, she deserves that capital, in her mind. So it fits better with the context of the poem, even if it does break your style rules!

Love the end. It really brings things home

Keep writing

barefoot