Young Writers Society

Loving how you've explained the whole idea, creating the image in my mind is most wonderful! Congratulations on such a wonderful creation!

Hey Paris,

What a wonderful poem! I really liked the whole imagery you created, and you described it beautifully. I also really liked the ending to the poem. It made me smile, because it was something unexpected, but gave it a final touch somehow. And it made me sure that this feeling that he felt was love, because, what else could it be? I read this poem aloud to myself, and there were some issues with the rhythm. But other than that, it was very smooth and the wording was great.

“Shhhh, quite (quiet) my young child, listen to the beauty who sings.

Listen, for this is what the angels of heaven sound alike. (I think alike sounds a bit off here. I think like works better, but that may just be my own opinion.)

Note how smoothly she eases into her upper notes,

And examine how she grasp her words with her hand. (grasps...)

“Can you feel the loss of breath, as you listen in awe?

Watch her lips open and close as she forms the words

Putting you under her incantation. (these 5 lines here are absolutely beautiful It's the beginning of the great imagery)

“Do you feel it? Can you feel the words as they hit your face,

Hitting you softer than (the) slight breeze of (a) silent morning? (Don't forget the little connecting words that make it a sentence.)

“Breathe in my child, I can’t have you die.

Close your eyes and listen to the song,

Which should be accompanied by Orpheus.

“Even when her mouth close, and the beat stops, (closes)

You can hear her righteous melody,

Accompanied with her smile, not of Mona Lisa’s”

“But father, who sings this daring song warming me more than any July?

For it is this song by woman, whom angel sound alike (like)

That my soul quakes, like the trees under storm.

“Father, whom art thou who makes the seraph’s of heaven

Sound worse than the uncanny whisper of tornado?

“ This woman mortal, I think not (this sentence was awkward, disrupting the flow. I read it twice before I understood what you meant. I would put it more like, "How can she be mortal?"

For she has put me underneath her spell.

She makes the air in my lungs deplete faster than

It takes for the scent of (a) candle to fill a room–

Her song makes my heart frail,

As if I was a nonagenarian man.

For whom art thou witch, who put me under incantation?”

“Child, this woman whom sings like no other mortal,

Who warms even the soul of Apollo,

Cast no spell of trickery on thou,

For the feeling that stops thy heart, and steal thy breath

Is love.”

The most admirable thing about this woman,

The most charming thing about this woman,

Not her voice which the angels envied,

Not how it warmed the hearts of so many,

But that she couldn’t sing worth a dime.

And then we get to the great ending. Keep writing such great poetry

Deanie x

This is really good. And don't worry, I don't think that any of us will call you out on the issue of your stanzas. All of the poetry writers here suffer the same fate.

I love your wordiness, and how each word you choose seems like it took a life time to select even though I can imagine this just pouring out of you without you stopping. The language you use makes this seem, well, not exactly medieval, but somewhat old and treasured almost. If you can't understand my rambling, that's alright.

One thing that I think you could change is the quotation marks. I don't think that you need them at all.

And something else that you could do (now, mind you this is just a suggestion and if you don't want to do this, then that's okay) is indicate who is speaking at the time using playwright style. If you don't know what I mean by that, well, here's and example:

Father: Blah, blah blah

Son: Blah, blah, blah, blah

See what I'm saying. You don't have to do this, it's just that as I read I pictured it like that and it looked really cool in my head. (Which, truthfully, is a very scarey place.)

So, anyway, great job!

Happy Writing!
HT

Great description of this woman! It creates a desire to meet her or see her. I love that it's so descriptive and I could visualize everything easily. The images were rich. I kind of wish the whole thing wasn't all dialogue because I found it a little confusing to follow with the character.

I know this looks like a jumbled mess, but when I was in the Publishing Center it wouldn't let me add the spaces in between each stanza. I'm sorry it looks so confusing and chaotic. If you still want to read this piece with the spaces in between the stanzas you can read it on my blog. http://wp.me/2T0Ek Thanks for reading!