Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for violence.
In my dream, I was walking in a forest. It was pitch black, which was what told me it was midnight. I had only a flashlight and a video recorder. I was also holding seven pages.
I was looking through someone else's eyes and only had control over the viewpoint. This girl was shaking terribly with obvious fear and I kept trying to adjust her focus to what's in front of her because she frantically checked her surroundings.
Before us, was a tree. A regular, 24-foot, 250-year-old oak tree. It had a thick trunk that would take seven people to wrap around the entire thing. There was a yellow note attached to this tree; it seemed to have been made by a child, with the poorly drawn tall man surrounded by roughly drawn pine trees. It was defined with some minor details, such as the tall man had a tie and seemed to be wearing a suit.
I was confused. I couldn't grasp why someone would leave this here. If it was my child, I would keep this within my sight at all times. It was too precious-
The girl stooped. She pointed the pool of light at the page to see it better. Just as she slowly extended her hand toward it to grab it, I saw a tall silhouette to her right appear and disappear in less than a blink of an eye.
She must have saw it too, because she immediately froze and held her breath.
I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand; my instincts seemed to be telling me that something was right behind us.
The girl began crying, as she clutched herself tightly and gripped the flashlight until her knuckles turned white. Everything went dark completely as she closed her eyes and slowly turned around.
Everything inside me went off the edge, somehow warning me not to let her do this. Not to let her face what seemed like the inevitable.
And definitely not face this.......thing.
Thinking fast, but not completely, I forced her to open her eyes. She did, and I made her drop the pages but hold on to the flashlight. I was now in complete control of her body.
Suddenly, filled with adrenaline, I took off.
I didn't know where I was, nor where I was going. None of that seemed to matter as I kept running. Eventually, I stopped. I took a minute to catch my breath - er, her breath - at a silver eight foot fence.
It was a lot taller than either of us, so I could forget about jumping over. Climbing was impossible to do so, considering the squares in the fence were too small to even fit your pinky through. And who knows how long it would take to dig underneath.
How the hell did you get in here? I thought to myself inside her mind. The girl frantically searched for a weak spot in the fence, as she regained control of her body. I knew it was a fruitless effort, but inwardly, I was doing the same.
"Help me!" she screamed. "Please, he's trying to kill me! HELP ME!" she pounded in desperate frustration, but to no avail.
Behind us, I could feel eyes watching her every move. I was going to convince her body to obey me again; to run away as fast and as far away as possible.
Until something exploded through her chest.
My mind froze in fear and shock. We both looked down to see seven black tentacles lodged in between her breasts, dripping with tar and her blood while knotting with her muscles and squeezing her heart. Worst of all, they were moving as if they had minds of their own.
Suddenly, she was repeatedly stabbed through the abdomen by other tentacles. I watched in horror as the ugly, writhing things played and tangled with her entrails. You could her hear wet, slimy sound as rib bones were broken off and pulled from within the intertwined intestines. She was pouring blood from her shredded torso; you could smell ripped flesh all around you.
"No!" I yelled. "NOOOOOOOO!"
I could do nothing as the limp body of that doomed girl was lifted into the air. Four more extremely large tentacles wrapped around her lifeless limbs and yanked. The ones inside began to push outward.
Everything permanently went black as she was pulled apart.
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Me again, here to review chapter two on behalf of the gorgeous green lanterns!


Once again, I will review as I read to make this go a little smoother.
Here we go!
“It was pitch black, which was what told me it was midnight.” - Why did that tell you it was midnight? You could actually make no reference to the time. Just by saying the Moon was glowing it's brightest in the sky suggests how late it is. That's just my opinion though
“She must have saw it too, because she immediately froze and held her breath. “ - I love that we're looking at these events through someone else's eyes now! Cleverly done! Although I think that it needs to be 'seen' and not 'saw'.
“I was now in complete control of her body.” - WOAH! I was not expecting this and I'm loving it!
I agree with Deanie – I liked this chapter a whole lot more than the first one! I also like the gruesome aspect to it all.
I would still like a little more description when it comes to appearances but I love everything else!
Good luck! Message me when the next chapter is up
Olive <3
Hey Lukacena,
So I read the first part before reading this one, so it would make more sense. I must admit I've never played the game myself, but I know what it's about and things like that~
Anyways, the review ^^ After reading the first part, and it's pretty great cliffhanger, I didn't understand how these two were related? Was this whole part just a dream, and is she still in the car? It may just be me, but when connecting part one and two, I got confused.
Seeing them as separate pieces though, I liked this part a lot more. It was better written and better paced. There was some action - gruesome if so - but you described it well. It could've been embellished a bit more. I was interested in how the main character could control the girl at some point, but not completely. More like she was viewing a spectacle than actually participating in it. I think that was an interesting viewpoint to show the dream from and I think you did it well. And lovely horrifying nasty description in there. It must be a pretty horrible way to die :/
And yes, you are pretty amazing at using cliffhangers. Another one right here! Remember not to use them all the time. But for these two chapters I think they fit because they are suspenseful chapters.
Let me know on my wall when you post more!
Deanie x
Thanks! The goal was meant to get you to see they are two minds in one body. They're two different spirits, so what Clarissa sees, may not be what the girl sees. Yes, this is a nightmare. She doesn't feel the pain the girl does - she can only witness (and narrate)! Thanks for the feedback
Hey there Luk!
I'm here to give you a quick review.
I've played this game once before on a friend's laptop. It was scary. xD You do a good job capturing the suspense and the terror I think.
I'm going to skip on to critiques for a while now.
Midnight is a rather specific time. Perhaps you could use an 'about' or an 'around' to give yourself a little more wiggle room. Without the moon or a clock, one hour looks pretty much like another once you get to a certain darkness.
How can s/he tell the age?
S/he's not considering that they're in the middle of a forest or that it's pinned to a tree as if on purpose?
Aren't the girl and the narrator in the same body and thus share the same view at this point? Of course they both saw it.
So, there's something to be said for graphic details, but you have a great opportunity here! Your narrator is in this girl's body while she's being gruesomely murdered. How is the girl's body reacting. How is the girl reacting in the last seconds of her life? Can the narrator feel the life leave the body?
I'd get rid of the permanently. That word makes for a rather awkward ending, but if you take that out and let the reader make their own assumptions about what that means: death or the continuation in the narrator's actual body, then you leave it on a rather chilling note.
Alright! The painful part is through. Now, what a cool concept. The whole "I'm in a body that isn't my own" is really interesting, and you do a good job of keeping it unconfusing if though it could easily get very confusing.
That's all I've got for you~
If you have any questions or comments, hit up my wall or feel free to PM me or even find me on the chat bar. I'd be happy to clear anything up that wasn't clear enough for you.
Megs~
Thanks! At least this part is better than my first.