When my mother went insane, I was only seven years old. She kept going on about 'the tall man' and "He always watches, but has no eyes." She tried to hide me from that dangerous creature that no one else could see. Our cabin in the woods was set on fire in her attempt to hold 'him' back. I kept screaming "Mommy!" at the top of my lungs, but desperation and determination was clear in her eyes.
When the sheriff and the rest of the police force finally found us, she was holding tightly to me and cowering behind a pine tree with a flashlight.
The fire was finally extinguished and my mother was placed in the Tarwin Correctional Sanity Asylum. I was taken away from Tarwin, West Virginia by one of my mother's friends, aunt Carla. I left behind everything I knew and loved, not to mention my friend since childhood, Jake McCunningham.
Three months incarcerated, my mother hung herself.
Seventeen years later, I decided to visit my hometown before I officially went into law school. College had been great, and I was ready to make my way in the world. Besides, Jake and I kept in touch ever since I started my classes, and I promised myself that we would catch up for the thirteen years we hadn't spoken to each other.
I told aunt Carla that I can handle being alone in the place that held so many bad memories. "It was just a myth." I said. "I mean seriously, would you really believe there is a 'Slenderman'?"
"What about Linda?" Carla asked. "You know I know that you miss her terribly."
"I'm older now. I have to move on with my life."
The conversation faded away from my thoughts as I drove past a city limit sign.
I continued driving happily, until I saw a figure standing in the middle of the road.
I thought it was my imagination, but this person was.....tall. I mean, really tall. I blinked until it disappeared.
Farther down the road, I saw it again. this time it was closer. If I squinted, I could make out the arms - at least that's what I thought they were. They were so long, so thin......
And then it disappeared again.
"What the hell is that?" I shook my head and focused on driving. It was eight in the morning, I was fully awake, and I was heading home. What could go wrong?
I looked away from the road and up to the sky. The sun was shining bright and I was happy to see it.
I finally turned my attention back to the road, just to see the thing appear directly in front of the car.
I swerved the car violently to miss the creature and succeeded in flipping the car entirely off the road and into a pine tree.
The car stopped upside down, and all I could do was hang there, losing consciousness fast.
I painfully turned my head toward the road to see a galloping horse with a rider heading toward me.
As I passed out I remember hearing a raspy voice of a female whisper, "Welcome home, Clarissa."
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello Lukacena! Here to review your chapters on this fine review day. I'm representing all of those gorgeous green lanterns out there!
I will review as I read so that it makes a little more sense to both me and you. I tend to ramble off point otherwise.
Here goes!
I love the way you've started. I'm already gripped into the story. It's unusual and not something that I've seen before here on YWS.
“When the sheriff and the rest of the police force finally found us, she was holding tightly to me and cowering behind a pine tree with a flashlight.” - I think it needs to be she was 'holding on tightly'
“Three months incarcerated, my mother hung herself.” - I think you need to add the words 'since being' in between 'months' and 'incarcerated'
WOW! I love that she is already starting to see this creatue already. I think you could have dragged it out a bit longer but hey, I'm not complaining!
I wish there was a little more description about what the car crash was like. Where she felt pain and how the car crumpled in and things!
On to chapter 2!
Olive <3
*starts singing* "Slender Man, Slender Man, just want someone to hold my hand!" *cough* Oh, hello, Lukacena... Didn't see you there. *scratches head awkwardly* ... Anyways, you want a review?
And ugh, Luka! Talk about a cliff hanger at the ending there. I was like, "Is that her mom? Is that a random scary person? OH MY GOSH. What if the voice is Slender Man's girlfriend?!" Yeah, that actually went through my head. xD Well, anywho, onto the review.
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Hey, there! It's Storm here, reviewing for ya tonight.
Firstly I felt like this chapter was short, not paced well, and it did not set up Clarissa and her background very solidly. Until the last sentence, I didn't even know the main character's name. More importantly, I wasn't sure if the character was male or female! I'm not saying that you should randomly go off on a tangent about Clarissa's appearances or personal life, but at least add something more to allow the read a connection to your main character. This being said, I honestly didn't feel much pity for Clarissa when her mother died, because the suicide came very quickly in the story and I barely knew Clarissa. I'm a very tenderhearted person, but this event barely even fazed me. (Sorry, I started off with the harsher comments.)
Moving on, I noticed a handful of punctual and grammatical mistakes, but nothing too huge. For example: "... desperation and determination was clear in her eyes." Since two emotions were shown in Clarissa's mother's eyes, "was" should be swapped with its plural form, "were". Next, the word "aunt" in "aunt Carla" needs to be capitalized because "aunt" is a part of her title. Then, in the sentence "'It was just a myth.' I said" the period after the word "myth" has to be replaced with a comma instead, just according to the weird rules of grammar.
That's about it for this review! I'm just dying to read the next chapter. (Heh. See what I did there?) Keep these small tips in mind for the next chapter, and as always: Write on!
---Storm
P.S. I knew something awful would happen after you typed "What could go wrong?" That's like saying "Things can't get any worse!" When someone says that, they're immediately jinxing themselves, causing terrible events to occur!!! Haha
I'll certainly keep that in mind. Personally, I think the second chapter is better. I hope you'll think that when I post it! Thank you!
Yes, I love this. (I love creepypasta.) This was really amazing. I loved every bit of it from beginning to end. The first few words, "When my mother went insane..." caught my attention and I bet it caught many others as well. It's a very unusual and unique way to start off a story, but it is also a very good way.
Can't wait to read more.
One problem: Dialogue was a little dry. When I read it, I kind of imagined a robot saying it instead of a human. It kind of made the story feel like it dragged on.
But besides that, the story is very well done. I hope that you continue with this.
Thanks. At first, I didn't want to add any at all. But, thank you!
Hey there,
Your story came to a great start. I can't wait to read more. That said there are things I'd like to point out. Your writing style is great and I can perfectly imagine everything. Though, the biggest flaw is dialogue. It was a tad bit bland. I didn't really feel the emotion. Didn't Really do much in terms of getting me familiar with the main character. Everything was great and I really look forward to reading more.
Sorry about that. I had originally decided to have no dialogue at all - just fill the story with suspense - but I had felt the chapter would be too short. I will definitely work on that. Thank you!
Hello there,
The internet's favorite monster (or at least, one of them): Slenderman. It's brave of you to attempt this, and for that I offer you praise. Now, to the story!
Your first sentence captures the reader's attention immediately. It begs the questions of "What?" and "Why?"--very important in ensuring that the reader continues. The second sentence I didn't like so much. Because of Slenderman's popularity, even referring to him as "the tall man" completely ruins the surprise. From that point on, nothing about this story caught me off guard. Have you watched Marble Hornets? Your scene with Slenderman appearing on the road reminded me of part of MH. Even in fanfiction, originality is crucial.
Which brings be to my next point: your writing style is solid, I have no complaints for it. Don;t cheat yourself by a lack of originality! You have the potential to do some serious storytelling here. If I had to critique something about the writing itself, it would be the dialogue. It reads stiff, too formal and unnatural. Listen to how you and other people speak, listen for the imperfections, and write like that.
And remember--never stop writing!
Thanks. To be honest, I didn't like how the story turned out in the first place. I wrote it for fun a while ago, but since my friends told me it was good, I decided to post it. Thank you for the feedback, I appreciate that and will work out the kinks