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Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

My Apocalypse - Prologue

by Jrezek


The idea of the, "Apocalypse" is different for many people. Some believe that the world will end by God's almighty wrath. Others believe that the world will come to devastating blows with nuclear weapons, and unknown biotic warfare. Even some people think that zombies will be the cause of extinction. However, this story will contain none of those, in fact the world doesn't end. It just changes.

Max woke up on a bright, surprisingly clear afternoon. He hadn't wish he slept long, because he was supposed to go with Micki to the river, to get their fresh supply of water for the day. Max and Micki were twins, the ages of 17, and with Micki being the eldest by two minutes. She always held it over his head, and he would always be enraged by her taunts, nevertheless, they were all each other had in this dark, abandoned world.

As max walked down the stairs of their boarded up apartment room, he slipped on his working gloves, and grabbed an extra bucket that was put there for gathering supplies. He noticed something odd though, in his hustle to meet his sister, there were no fumes in the air. Usually you can smell the odd but slightly attractive smell of a fletchet. When the human body is sleeped deprived for a very, very long time, it starts to, "lose itself." It becomes very sensitive to everything, very tense, and very dangerous. The end result of a dead, sleep deprived human (with a little help from the last element) is a fletchet. A dangerous, agile, and a slightly common being. They're only one tiny gift from the apocalypse that the last element brought onto the earth, right after researchers discovered it.

Seeing as how common fletchets were, max stood in shock of how he couldn't sense that there were any by the area. Usually he and Micki would have to sneek their way to the river. As he stepped outside anxiety hit him like a brick. The bucket his sister took out that morning was laying on the ground in front of him. He quickly looked around the area for any sign of her, or any sign of a struggle. At that very moment, a gut wrenching scream was let out only a streets away from where he was standing, and without any hesitation whatsoever, Max was off in rage and slight caution.

He turned the corner to find his sister in the back of a small alley armed with a crowbar. She wasn't the only one thought. Four thugs were drawing nearer to her, saying taunts and snickering back and forth to each other. One of the men had a gun. As Max caught himself before he made too much noise, Micki noticed him and yelled out a scream.

"MAX!" She cried. Instantaneously, the four men jumped around, one of them being startled and pulled the trigger of his gun, with Max barely jumping behind a dumpster to evade it.

"Why would you shoot? There's probably-" The thug cut off in mid sentence, as four fletchets turned the corner in a nasty sprint, with unrelenting intentions. Micki saw her chance and made a sprint to the spot where her brother was. Mid stride, she was caught by one of the men, the only one not paying attention to the fletchets.

"You're not going any-" The man said before Max's fist caught his cheek. He took the crowbar from his sisters grip and brought down another fletchet that came from the same place he did.

"Don't let them get away!" One of the thugs says, as he begins an engagement with another fletchet.

"Run!" Max yells as he grabs his sisters hand. The two make a break or the corner where Max came from. They're feet catch lucky angles in the rubble of the old pizza parlor, assisting them in their getaway. They near their only home for now, and their only shelter from the destroyed earth. Fletchets roam in distant corners and in undiscovered locations. Micki grabs her bucket at the end of their stairs, and the two stop to take a breather.

"Max, I just wanted to thank you." Micki says as she pants, but still trying to put effort into it.

"Don't thank me, you would've done the same. Except you would've had to save those thugs." Max blurts out in a little chuckle, smiling. Micki looks at him with a sarcastic smile, and gives him a hug. "We should probably grab some plywood for the door tonight." Max suggests. "We might have some unwanted guests."


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Tue Jul 30, 2013 5:44 pm
kayfortnight wrote a review...



Hello! I know you already have a bunch of great reviews, but I have a few suggestions that weren't mentioned.

First, I'd italicize the very first paragraph and separate it from the rest with stars like this*****. It's a visual thing that shows it belongs apart from the rest of the prologue. Apart from that, I'm not going to go over mistakes like punctuation, because those have already been covered by your reviewers.

I think you should work on your description. This world doesn't seem very real. Give us the feel of the hard ground pounding Max's feet as he runs and the fear in his sister's eyes when they flee. Give us the satisfying thump as Max's hand connects with the man's cheek.

That's all, there really isn't much here to review.




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Sun Jul 28, 2013 8:15 pm
ArcticMonkey wrote a review...



Hi jrezek!

I see that this already has a few good reviews, but regardless I shall try and add my views to the collection to. I'll start off with the things I liked, and that's that your main characters are twins. I think this could really work well as something humerous, and I hope to read more of that. Also, I like the idea of Fletchets, although not explained entirely well it's a cool and original idea, so well done!

I guess my main critique with this is that it's all a bit rushed. i know that's it's your prologue, I mean it's your first bit of the story and you wanna get straight into the action which is great, however I think this piece would benefit just from a tad more descriptions. Firstly perhaps of the characters, I mean what do the twins actually look like? I've got a vague idea in my mind right now, but physical appearance is something I wanna learn about them straight away. I don't know if you were keeping the whole Fletchets thing mysterious on purpose, but if not I'd like to know a bit more about them. Not necessarily who they are but what they look like. Are the scary/initimidating? etc.

Also, I think I'd like to see this fight scene in more detail. That's definitely something you don't wanna be keeping mysterious, I mean it is the main part of this prologue really, and I wanna know all the details. Also maybe even talk about how the characters felt, because that's always interesting too. Right now, it's a bit blurry as to what happens in that scene, so elaborating on the would really help!

Overall, this is a very intriguing prologue and I'd abolutely love to read more. So far, your characters are really good, and I like the Fletchets, even though I still wanna know a bit more about them. Next steps would be just to flesh out everything really, as it's feeling slightly rushed to me. Anyways, I hope this review helped, PM me if you've got any questions and please let me know if you continue this on here.

Keep on writing!
-Arc x




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Sun Jul 28, 2013 12:53 pm
manisha wrote a review...



Hey there!
Happy Review Day!

This was a good prologue. You set the mood, the setting very well.

Max and Micki were twins, the ages of 17, and with Micki being the eldest by two minutes.

You can take away the and after 17. And 17 should be seventeen.
He hadn't wish he slept long

He wished he hadn't slept long.

As max walked down the stairs of their boarded up apartment room,

Max should be capitalized. It is a minor typo.

The end result of a dead, sleep deprived human (with a little help from the last element) is a fletchet.

What is the last element? Have you not mentioned it yet or something I missed?

one of them being startled and pulled the trigger of his gun, with Max barely jumping behind a dumpster to evade it.

This sounds odd.

They're feet catch lucky angles in the rubble of the old pizza parlor

They're is their.
Micki says as she pants, but still trying to put effort into it.

I do not understand this. She is panting, but what is she putting her effort into?

Overall, it was good. I look forward to the chapters.
Keep writing.

-manisha




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Sun Jul 28, 2013 8:13 am
OliveDreams wrote a review...



Hello :) Here to review your prologue for review day! I will review as I read otherwise I will get my knickers in a twist and it won't make any sense to you.

Your first paragraph has already got me definitely interested! I like that you're not going to be putting just another theory out there. You've written this as a definite and I like this fact already. It's different and we all like a bit of different here.

“She always held it over his head, and he would always be enraged by her taunts, nevertheless, they were all each other had in this dark, abandoned world.” - I feel as though, you need a full stop after 'taunts' and then start a new sentence with 'Nevertheless'. It will just make it flow a little better.

“Max was off in rage and slight caution.” - The emotions feel contradictory to me. If you were in full blown rage Jrezek, would you be thinking clearly about your actions and their consequences? I think you could replace either on of those descriptions to make it a little more believable.

I really like the concept of these Fletchets. You could take this idea in so many different directions. Are they people who have been turned into these creatures? People that Max and Micki might have previously known?

"Max, I just wanted to thank you." - don't you think this is a rather formal way for a brother and sister to talk to each other? I don't know - it just sounds a little forced to me.

Overall - I really enjoyed this idea. I think it's original and quirky! I like the relationship you've created with the twins and I like the idea of the fletchets. I think you could go over some of your wording to make it more believable and also add a little more description to help the reader see what the world is like in your eyes.

Good luck, happy review day and I hope this helped"

Olive <3




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Sun Jul 28, 2013 7:47 am
Dutiful wrote a review...



Hii there!! Welcome to YWS!!

Okaay on to the review:

First of all, I really enjoyed reading this. Mostly because, the theme even though quite common, was modified into something utterlly new. Kudos to you on that! :)

It was really nice to read. The idea of twins living in a world affected by the apocalypse is, you've got to admit, pretty good. I liked how you came up with the fletchet . Brilliant!

Now,a s you probably know(from the previous reviews) there are a lot of mistakes here and there.
I felt they could have been avoided, had you goe though the passage once again before posting. Oh well.

He hadn't wish he slept long, because he was supposed to go with Micki to the river,


You could have written it like this :
He wished he hadn't slept for too long because he was supposed..


And this:
He noticed something odd though, in his hustle to meet his sister, there were no fumes in the air.


I think you know for yourself whats wrong with the sentence.
Oh well, I could go on forever like this, but I don't want to :P

Oh and there was also,I believe some errors in the tense. You see, in the begining the ense is past, but as it reaches the end of the chapter, the tense slips into present. You might wanna check on that.

Thats all I'm saying for this short review!
Like I said, I really enjoyed reading it :)

Good job! keep writing!
-Divz




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Sat Jul 27, 2013 9:51 am
AmethystNight wrote a review...



Firstly, I think this is good for a prologue and like the fast pace. The job of a prologue is to give a clue to the story to come and grab the interest of the reader and I think that an action scene was a good way to do this.

Max and Micki were twins, the ages of 17, and with Micki being the eldest by two minutes.

This sentence doesn't make sense. You need to look back over the syntax here and your use of commas.
The end result of a dead, sleep deprived human (with a little help from the last element) is a fletchet.

Try not to use brackets in narratives. It's clumsy and takes away from the writing. Here you should use commas instead.
"MAX!" She cried.

This is a grammar rule that you need to look over because you make this mistake every time you use speech. A bit of speech and a statement giving who says this speech make one sentence. This means that the speech should end with a comma rather than a full stop, though question marks or exclamation marks, like here, are fine too, and the say statement should start with a lowercase letter. Look out for this when you're writing because you do make this mistake a lot.
Instantaneously, the four men jumped around, one of them being startled and pulled the trigger of his gun, with Max barely jumping behind a dumpster to evade it.

Again, this sentence doesn't make sense. You need to look over the syntax and I think it would probably be best if you just made this two separate sentences.
All in all this is a good piece. You provide the reader with a little information about setting and character but leave out enough for the reader to gain interest. Keep up the good writing and just look out for some of the things that I have pointed out. Happy writing.




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Fri Jul 26, 2013 6:26 pm
KingKamor wrote a review...



In the first line, since it isn't dialogue, you don't have to put the comma before "Apocalypse."

"He hadn't wish he slept long"
Should be "He wished he hadnt slept long"

Period after "taunts" to make it "... her taunts. Nevertheless..."
"sleeped deprived" should be "sleep-deprived"

"... long time, it starts to, 'lose itself.'"
You don't need the commas or the quotations marks.

"slightly common"
I don't think "slightly" should be used with the word "common"

"sneek"
Misspelling of "sneak"

"only a streets away"
Is it one street or more than one? This should be fixed accordingly.

"... in rage and slight caution."
This feels awkward. Maybe "in a lucid rage" or something could fit better?

"... the only one thought"
Change to "... the only one, though."

"... jumping behind a dumpster to evade it."
I just thought it was strange that he could apparently dodge bullets. Is he a superhuman and

you're just being subtle about it, or was he just lucky to be behind the dumpster?

"...made a sprint to the spot where her brother was."
Sounds awkward. Something simple like "... made a sprint to meet her brother." could be a possible improvement.

"... sisters hand..."
Should be "... sister's hand..."

"... make a break or the corner..."
Should be "...for the corner..."

"They're feet..."
Should be "Their feet..."

"... destroyed earth."
Do you mean the destroyed ground or the apocalyptic planet? If it's the planet, then the E in "Earth" is capitalized.

"Fletchets roam in distant corners and in undiscovered locations."
This feels like a detail that should have been placed earlier in the prologue. As it is now, it's a detail that kind of comes out of nowhere.

"Micki says as she pants, but still trying to put effort into it."
To keep the past tense, make it "Micki said as she pants, but still trying to put effort into it."

Overall, I thought that this piece was too fast-paced. Maybe if you wrote more details for the setting then the pace will slow down enough for the reader to take everything in. Maybe a little description of the thugs, or what the fletchets look like would help. Also, do thugs usually bother them? What do the twins look like? What's the general population of the place in which they're staying? What is the place in which they're staying? Is this the Earth you and I are familiar with? Which real-life city are they in, if so? Is this a make-believe hypothetical Earth? What was this place like before things went to hell?

Post-apocalyptic stories are difficult to write mainly because you have to hammer down a ton of details, and it could take a lot of time to do so. A lot of questions were left unanswered, and I think that many of them need to be answered for the reader to get a better idea of what's going on and what they're getting into when reading this book. Even little hints, or describing something that to us would seem unusual but to the characters is an everyday occurrence could help draw the reader in.

I think you need to work on your comma placement. You don't have to place a comma every time there is a pause in a sentence; you only need commas where they are grammatically appropriate. I suggest looking through different sources for comma rules online.

Also, here's a tip on dialogue: write it as if you were speaking it as the character. Would a real-life thug actually try to say "You're not going anywhere!" etc. Think about what someone would really say in that situation, rather than what they always say in the movies.

This is indeed a start, and it got me interested in what this "last element" is, and what the
fletchets really are. If they're anything like zombies then you lied in your first couple
paragraphs, haha. I say keep writing; I love post-apocalyptic stories.

Good luck!




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