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16+ Language

The Falling Sky

by Aley


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

I never knew my villanelle could fly
above my head, without my permission,
until one day I saw the falling sky.

I was shocked to see it spread, like dye,
my love had to explain such fruition,
I never knew my villanelle could fly.

When asked about the victory, I lie
and claim to be a wonderful tactician,
until one day I saw the falling sky.

To this day, I try to disprove my eye
as I see this beast as some regression.
I never knew my villanelle could fly.

Proof of my use, that whenever I try,
I can produce the rule's vague description
until one day I saw the falling sky.

It is like some damned curse to occupy
beneath sky floating as an exception.
I never knew my villanelle could fly,
until one day I saw the falling sky.


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110 Reviews


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Thu Jul 25, 2013 11:07 pm
ImHero wrote a review...



It is ImHero here as requested! I would like to thank you for being the second post on Judgement Day . Now for the review

Rhythm/structure:

I am glad to do a review on a villanelle for it will be my first.

Firstly I wish for you to compare the first two stanzas by Suzanne Delaney to yours. I think it exemplifies the art of the villanelle due to its contextual preciseness and the flawless rhythm. For some reason I cannot get the same rhythm or find ANY rhythm of the original and contemporary villanelles to yours. In this review I will take some time to find it out scientifically and if not I will use my ears to help you find the problem in the writing. Which I think it may be a problem rooted deeply in how I gain insight of rhythmic theory, and maybe excludes me altogether. Although I’d rather hope not.

“Hope lingers in the fold of Angel wings (a) (11)
Symbol, here on Earth, of all things gentle hearted (b) (13)
You carry us when all in life is darkening (c ) (12)

You steady us and guide our feet from faltering (c ) (12)
Although we’re often sad and leaden hearted (b) (12)
Hope lingers in the fold of Angel wings”(a) (11)
Vrs.
“I never knew my villanelle could fly (a) (11)
above my head, without my permission, (b) (10)
until one day I saw the falling sky. (c ) (10)

I was shocked to see it spread, like dye, (c )(10)
my love had to explain such fruition, (b)(10)
I never knew my villanelle could fly.” (a)(11)

#1
As you can see you have both done the villanelle with the rules in mind, although, there are major and minor differences in the two. For one, the second line had two stops which makes that line have a poetic touch as it does not stifle the flow but improves it. In yours, you have one stop that also improves the flow however the first one executes the two stops better and also has more syllables. I think syllables are a key when understanding both poems as the first decides to have more symbols that create a better flow. Maybe, you should look more at the second line when decided why your poem doesn’t have the same rhythm.

I mean which sounds better to you?
“Symbol, here on Earth, of all things gentle hearted”
Vrs.
“above my head, without my permission”

The simple thing is the word choice and complexity is what makes the rhythm of the first poem. I see the precision with the words because they are words that tell a story and are captivating to read. Yours however, do tell a story but the story is week as you used words that are very uncaptivating like; fly and sky, dye, lie, eye ect. The syllables in the first poem are mainly directed to better words and more captivating words. Take a look at the poem and realize that every word is a broad spectrum of the English vocabulary.

-internal rhyme

“Hope lingers in the fold of Angel WINGS (a) (11)
Symbol, here on Earth, of all THINGS gentle hearted (b) (13)”

“With PROMISING, and CARRY and Cautioning
Within our dreams inspired, single hearted
you CARRY us when all in life is DARKENING

Right here is alteration, and also using the same line to produce a rhythmic effect. It is internal rhyme and I think it makes or breaks these types of poems in particular. I would look into poems of these that often start with the same letter and also rhyme within the lines to get a feel of how to do it.

I will get on with the content, sorry. :P

PART 2 – CONTENT

Okay, so your poem often times didn’t make much sense to the general reader. I am sorry to say but things may make more sense to you than to other people who are reading your work. The general reader wants a captivating story that is often associated with the villanelle. I was trying to associate your poem with it flying and it was generally confusing, without a concept, vague. Now, sense your poem is the one flying why do YOU see the sky falling. Unless you are the villanelle. See I am already confused 

Now, the story line is vague and its hard to put a purpose to it. But I also think the reason for the rhythm, as I might have said before, was that the third line you are supposed to repeat didn’t often fit with the stanza. Hopefully I can spread some light on just why the line didn’t always fit. Imagine saying;

“To this day, I try to disprove my eye
as I see this beast as some regression.
I never knew my villanelle could fly.”

I try to imagine that it is not true, as I see this beast as worsening. And I never know my Poem could fly.

As you may see why the poem is ambiguous and leads the reader trying to interpret I do not think it is because the reader is looking for a symbol ect. But because of your disorganized thoughts and trying to represent the rules of this poem but doing it wrongly.

I hope you understand this review as I am really tired and it might be written horribly, so sorry if it is. I also hope you understand I am just highlighting my ideas so that you can take a look at them and maybe improve your work on them. So if you do not agree with something please just take it for what it is and ignore it.  I think you can see my thoughts where disorganized as well, so sorry.

content: 2/6
Structure: 4/6
Emotion: 3/6

I hope you understand! I think you are very talented to write this with so many rules but think you can greatly improve yourself by improving and getting this style just right! You are a very good writer so I hope to see some more in the future!

Your Hero,
ImHero




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Thu Jul 25, 2013 5:10 am
dark wrote a review...



Ah, we meet once again in the dark and murky reviewing pool mwhuhuhu. Anyway, let me start wasting time.
You know, there's one thing in particular that I loved about this poem, it's the simile you used, "Spead like a dye." It was so abstract but it fit so well. I know you're all about that my friend, kudos to you.
Also I really liked the repeat of the verses,
"Until one day I saw the falling sky."
and
"I never knew my villanelle could fly."
Again, it fit so well. I'm at a loss of words. That's how good this work is. You don't need this, but keep up the good work. :twisted:
~The dark one.




Aley says...


I can't take credit for the style. Repeating the verses, the pattern, and the rhyme scheme are all a part of what make it a villanelle.



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Thu Jul 25, 2013 2:21 am
Blackwood wrote a review...



Sorry my review fails




Aley says...


I'm a little confused by your review.
Why did you end it so abruptly?
What do you mean by fly always being at the end?
As a villanelle, I have to repeat the first and third line respectively at the end of the stanzas, but I never use fly anywhere else. Villanelles also have the strict rhyme scheme of a1ba2 aba1 etc. that I was following as dictated here: http://www.writinggooder.com/2013/07/po ... villanelle

Was there another aspect of my rhymes that you didn't like aside from the repeated lines? Did I do a good job with the non-repeated lines or do you feel those too are used as a lack of rhyming possibilities?



Blackwood says...


SORRY I didnt read about what villianelles were but I just read it, My review is all wrong now.



Aley says...


I'd like to hear from you still, if you don't mind?



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Thu Jul 25, 2013 1:37 am
Crowley wrote a review...



This is an excellent piece, doing proud the villanelle genre. I love the refrain; very rhythmic and intuitive. The tone in my head reads the poem as sort of "bubbly ", whether or not this was your intention, I found it rather pleasant. The concept of the villanelle becoming something you resent, adds a cool irony to the first line of the refrain. The one exception is (pun intended) exception - I don't know why, but it sort of curbed the melody for me. - Purely a personal opinion, probably not relevant to other's readings =P

I'm probably going to have this stuck in my head as a song forever, so thanks, and keep up the good work!





Learn the rules like a pro, so you can break them like an artist.
— Pablo Picasso