z

Young Writers Society


12+ Language Violence

Mysterious Things

by NicoleReger


I remember everything perfectly before the accident.

However, they still question me like I was some suspect in some major crime. However, they were so shocked that I survived a car crash.

But, as I sat in my bed, doing nothing but sulking in my pajamas. I realized that I should’ve been dead. Why wasn’t I dead?

The door opened, and a soft breeze entered the room, and I dug myself deeper into the bed. Hoping that I could remain invisible, but knowing that I couldn’t. “Rachel,” the voice said. I didn’t show my face. I didn’t speak, my throat felt dry.

I didn’t remember eating or drinking anything since the accident, but I felt the weight of my bed instantly shift to the bottom side, I ducked even further into the protection of my bed.

“Rachel, you can’t stay under that blanket forever.” He said.

I didn’t say a word. Mostly because I didn’t recognize that voice that spoke to me. My parents were both out of town for the weekend, and my aunt came up from Florida to watch me. However, she just left for the supermarket.

I wanted to scream, and I even tried to force myself to, but most of the time I chickened out.

“Rachel.” He said, and uncovered me. I moved as far away from him as I could, he just sat there with a smile on his pale face. “You don’t remember me.” He said.

“Who are you?” I managed to say.

He smiled, as he stifled a laugh. He reminded me of a biker and had shades on. He took them off, and eyed me down.

“Rachel, you’re a very special person, and there is a reason you survived the accident.” He said, very slowly and very clearly.

“Get out,” I managed to say . “I don’t know you!”

“Yes, you do.” He said. “You’re just too scared to admit who I am.”

“I’m not scared…I do not know you!”

“Rachel,” my aunt said, opening the door. I turned, and gulped.

She smiled, her arms crossed. “Who are you speaking to?” She asked.

“What?” I asked. “I don’t know, he’s bothering me though!”

“Who’s bothering you?” she questioned.

“The guy sitting on the edge of the bed!” I said.

My aunt looked, her brows furrowed, as she entered my room closer. “Rachel there’s nobody here.” She said.

I frowned. The man laughed again. “Oh, did I mention, no one can see us.” He said. “Who are you!?” I snapped.

“You know what, maybe you’re hungry. You haven’t eaten in weeks, you’re probably skinny as a pole, we need to go fatten you up.” She said, assisting out of my bed, and walking me out of my room.

I turned to find the man standing outside my door, tapping his wrist watch. I didn’t know what he was doing, or who he was, but I intended to find out.


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5 Reviews


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Reviews: 5

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Sun Jul 28, 2013 5:53 pm
TheRollingTaco wrote a review...



I had that "Oh snap" moment when her aunt couldn't see who was on the bed. If it's only the beginning of the story, it's already very captivating and I want to find out what happens next. I love the immediate characterization the aunt portrays in her dialogue. :)

It looks like there should be a comma instead of a period after "pajamas," or maybe reword the sentence due to some grammatical issues.
Also, in the third to last paragraph, his explanation of nobody being able to see him and the protagonist's snap should be separated by a paragraph. There should be a comma(or a question or exclamation mark), not a period after dialogue.

It's a good story, and if you proofread and work out some of the grammatical issues, and you'll make it even better.




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347 Reviews


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Sun Jul 28, 2013 5:37 pm
OliveDreams wrote a review...



Hello there! Here to review your work on this very fine review day! I will review as I read so that it will make much more sense for both me and you. I tend to ramble otherwise.

HERE WE GO!

I've never clicked on the teen fiction section before and thought, HEY let's give it a go. And you are my first victim – I mean, reviewee :) hehehe.

“However, they still question me like I was some suspect in some major crime. However, they were so shocked that I survived a car crash.” - You've used 'some' and 'however' twice here and it just doesn't sound quite right. Swap two of them for others.

“I wanted to scream, and I even tried to force myself to, but most of the time I chickened out.” - I love this line because I know the exact feeling that you're talking about!

I like to know a little more about what this male looked like.

“I frowned. The man laughed again. “Oh, did I mention, no one can see us.” He said. “Who are you!?” I snapped.” - Oh wow! This just got a whole lot more interesting!

I loved this chapter – I just wish it had been a little longer. I would like to know what her imaginary friend really looks like. Heck – I would like to know what she looks like!

Good luck and I look forward to reading some more soon!

HAPPY REVIEW DAY!

Olive <3




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532 Reviews


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Sun Jul 28, 2013 1:50 am
ArcticMonkey wrote a review...



Hi Nicole! I noticed this has no reviews yet, so here to fix that ;)

I'll start with the positives, and I thought it was actually a really interesting idea you've got here. Although short, you've really jumped in with the action and in fact added loads of different levels to this, so well done! I also thought your dialogue seemed pretty natural too. Now I'll talk about critiques.

However, they still question me like I was some suspect in some major crime. However, they were so shocked that I survived a car crash.

The second however isn't needed here.

But, as I sat in my bed, doing nothing but sulking in my pajamas. I realized that I should’ve been dead.

These two sentences need to join together the first one needs the second one to make sense.

My first question is where exactly is she? At first I thought she was in her room, and then I thought she was in a hospital bed or something and that guy was the doctor. When I got to the end, I still didn't know. Remember to set the scene properly, talk about where she is and maybe why she's there. She's just had an accident so she might not recognise the place, it might not feel right to her, so mention that! And don't be afraid to go into details with this.

Secondly, I thought her reaction to the random man was waaay too chilled. If you saw a random man come in you wouldn't hide under your covers, you'd be screaming asking for your parents. Or maybe so in shock that you don't know what to say. However, with this, it's almost as if she was expecting this. So yeah, I'm expecting a bigger reaction from her for the random man that's just walked in on her.

Also, I'd like to know more detail on this random man and what he looks like. You've already mentioned that he's a biker, so is he the guy that's caused the accident? You don't have to answer that question, but if so does she recognise him like at all? Because even if she has gone crazy and is imagining him, the human mind physically can't make up a person so he must be someone that she knows from the past.

To sum up, this piece had a really cool idea behind it and great dialogue. However the dialogue by itself falls a bit flat, so to fill up the space there could be descriptions of settings or characters. And something I forgot to mention earlier was some more interior monologue! What is she feeling? I'd like to know more on that! Well I hope this review helped, PM me with questions or if you'd like another review.

Just keep writing!
-Arc x




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213 Reviews


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Sun Jul 28, 2013 1:48 am
dark wrote a review...



Oooo, a ghostly story of sorts. I can't wait to read more of this, that if of you will continue it?
Anyway, I didn't see any mistakes during reading this. I actually shocked me when the aunt walked in Rachel realized that only she could see the biker-like man. Also, I expected Rachel to be grateful that she survived instead of wondering why she's wasn't dead. BOOM left turn! I don't know how it got there, I don't know how it happened, it i love it. You executed the excitement with excellent perfection. I hope that made sense for you,
As for what need improvement, maybe it could be a little longer from now on. I don't know if this is a proulge or not, but It's a little shorter than the average proulge. That's not a big problem at all, but It went a little too quickly for my taste. That by farm is all that may or may not need improvement with this work.
Mystery, suspense. All of this wonderful content plays right into the hands of those subjects.
Thank you for writing this wonderful little piece. I really am looking forward to the next part if you decide to continue. I really hope you do. You have earned a fan in me.
~The dark one.





The simple truth is that authors like making people squirm. If this weren't the case, all novels would be filled completely with cute bunnies having birthday parties.
— Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians