The Aelfgar Wars, Pt 2

Hey Mela!

As I had mentioned your story was interesting enough for me to pursue more in the first few parts. So here's a little perspective of mine which you can compare with the others.
And I did not know it was a shift in point of view to Gabriel but it is actually quite an interesting take. Because this is a new chapter I presume and you have the excuse to change the POV. However I do not 'see' or 'feel' too much of Gabriel that I can distinguish him in a unique way. Overall I felt that his character was pretty much like Orabella's because of the way the prose was written and the style of words.

What you can do is to add a stronger monologue at some points to make Gabriel sound unique with a particular idiosincracy. Right now he seems awkward with a girl he cannot really handle. Of course I believe he's more than just that

Okay now for the story.

"The girl in my arms had just fainted. For a brief, panic-stricken moment I thought she was dead. However, I was soon proved wrong by the steady rise and fall of her chest. Looking at Eldan, who had finished his raining terror on the citizens, I motioned for him to come closer."

-you might want to shorten, simplify and use more powerful action words:

'The girl in my arms had just fainted. I panicked for a moment,thinking she was dead! However, I was relieved at the steady rise and fall of her chest. Looking at Eldan, who had finished his raining terror on the citizens, I motioned for him to come closer.'
I presume the previous chapter will tell me a bit of what the dragon did, thinking how large and scary he already is!

"Eldan exhaled some more fire, probably just for show, and then began flying away from the castle. Once the beat of his wings became a steady pulse in the background, I let out a breath I didn’t realize I had been holding and looked down at the princess. She was bruised and bloodied, her dress nearly in tatters."

-Once again shorten and simplify

'Eldan exhaled some more fire probably just for show, and then began before flying away from the castle. Once the beat of his wings became a steady pulse in the background, I let out a breath of air once the beat of his wings became a steady pulse. I didn’t realize I had been was holding my breath for such a long time! Looking down at the princess, I noticed her bruises and blood-stained dress, nearly in tatters.'

"Her face was relaxed into some sort of rest, although she looked as terrified now as she had when I had approached her. I wondered why she had been so scared. I didn’t think that I cut an appearance frightful enough to scare a girl into retreating against a wall… and then I remembered my dragon. I had known him for so long that I had probably forgotten how frightful he could be at times.I sighed and looked down at her again. She was young, mayhap a year or so younger than I, and small. Her hair was probably brown, although it was hard to tell because of the dirt-caked exterior. She had appeared to have light brown skin almost the color of caramel, as was characteristic of her people. I felt her stir under my arm and readied myself to answer the questions she would no doubt have. Her dark lashes fluttered, and I was fixed with light brown eyes laced with pain."

-Once again, same rule applies.

'Her face was looked relaxed into some sort of rest, although she looked as terrified now as she had when I had first approached her. I wondered why she had been was so scared. I didn’t think that I cut an appearance would be frightful enough to scare a girl into retreating against a wall… and then I remembered my dragon. I had known him for so long that I had probably often forget how frightful he could be at times. I sighed, and looked looking down at her again. She was young, mayhap maybe a year or so younger than I, and small. Her hair was probably brown, although it was hard to tell because of the dirt-caked exterior. She had appeared to have light brown skin almost the color of caramel, as was the characteristic of her people. I felt her stir under my arm and readied myself to answer the questions she would no doubt have. Her dark lashes fluttered, and I was fixed with light brown eyes laced with pain.'

-Other than the minor changes, I have no idea what is 'dirt-caked exterior.'

“Unh…” she said, and I didn’t quite know how to reply. “Who…what…” she started, and then gasped as she comprehended that she was riding a dragon. Perhaps by some instinct she pushed back against my chest in an attempt to distance herself from Eldan’s golden head. Then she seemed to realize she was leaning against me and scooted forward, only to find herself closer to Eldan and come before coming back towards me. It would have been quite amusing had she not looked so terrified. She turned to me and asked in in a quivering voice, “Can we go down, please?”

The following exchange between your two characters is actually quite good. There are minor changes though but I can see progression of the story in here
“I’m afraid not, your highness.” She seemed puzzled at her title but quickly recovered.
“He had me for six months.” She shivered, although it was not especially cold. I saw fear then, real fear, pass across in her eyes and wondered exactly what Prince Lucas had done to her. “I had given up hope.”

-LOL i have no idea how fear can pass across her eyes, you meant to say Gabriel saw it in HER eyes?

-"I didn’t know how to respond, and settled for silence.She turned to me, eying eyeing the tip of my hood, which, miraculously, had stayed on. Her eyes moved down to my face, and but I returned her stare boldly.

-“Remember. You won’t remember.” She looked even more confused. (New Paragraph)
and I inwardly kicked myself on the inside.Great job, imbecile. Now she’s going to have a lot more questions. I waited patiently for her to ask “Why not?”, but the words didn’t come. I looked down to find that she was within a centimeter of dozing off.

-'Wildflowers dotted the green expanse, growing scarcer as we got the closer we got to a mountain located at its center. A few more minutes of flying got us Soon we arrived at its base.Eldan maneuvered carefully onto the ground and landed, letting me off. and I got off, Lifting the girl from his back, and walking until I Ipaced to faced the east side of the mountain.'

-The following part can be split into a new paragraph or be shorten to make it more pleasurable to read. You could add more of Gabriel's thoughts and emotions when he's carrying the princess. Or probably his thoughts of what might happen later when he brings her in.

-'Then, I laid the girl onto the grass and before ran running my fingers over the stone. Soon I found what I was looking for; an almost circular, fist-sized stone on my right. I grabbed it and pulled yanked it down. It slid along an almost invisible groove and stopped. There was a grinding noise as a gaping hole was slowly revealed, about five meters wide. I carried the girl inside and the door closed behind us. I was glad to have left the torches burning in their sconces as I made my way down the dark corridor to the third door on my right. There I opened the third door to my right and laid the girl down on a white bed. She moaned softly as I covered her with a blanket and left in search of the Teacher.

-There's a slight confusion here; you mentioned the gaping hole, and then it became a door? A five meters wide hole in the stone? In the earth? So how did that became a door? lol

-It's good that you're detailed, and I am assuming you wrote according to how you visualized and see your story; almost like a film, that you even got the size of the hole and the door number nailed down. Yet too much unnecessary detail is really...unnecessary.

This is a good story in development, yet every good story needs a good flow to couple with it. Once you can string your readers along with your grammer and style, you can allow your story to jump out and take over on its own. I'll definitely get to the first chapter! Pardon my sequence of reading your story backwards, but if I can do that it means that your chapters are well divided and capable of shuffling to increase unpredictability!

Hey there! I'll be reviewing your piece this fine evening.

I'd like to start off by commenting on your character's voice. I haven't read your previous part, so I apologize if I assume incorrectly; however, I assume we're dealing with a medieval knight, and a princess.

Both these characters seem to me as very modern people. The way they speak and act, it's very fluid, practically casual: wholly unlike how I'd expect a knight and a princess to act. The knight should be practically reverential. He is, after all, a knight, dealing with a princess. He is outranked. Instead here they seem to be friends. Think about it. Perhaps it's merely the knight's personality, but I still think they'd be a tad colder with each other, especially considering the princess is injured and scared.

Perhaps that was deliberate. A modern character is easier to understand and relate to, however for me it isn't very realistic.

Now, onto a more general comment concerning your plot. I'm not quite sure what's going on. This is probably because I haven't read your first part, but it may also be due to something else: lack of description.

There is quite literally nothing here in terms of description. No color, sound, smell, nothing. Just a blank.

This part is like a sketch. Good basis, promising. Now you must add detail, shade lightly, and apply color. Feel free to pm me if this confused you.

Hope this helped
~Ita

Hey MelawenWillow,
You've done it again!!I really like the new chapter this is where things get interesting more interesting and where your reader may really decide if he likes the story or not, and I decided I like your story. keep up the good work.
However I disagree with "Questio", this is a fantasy story. and in fantasies your charachters do whatever you want them to, they may ride dragons like horses, you're not a fool. What's there if you own a dragon in a world where dragons live. Other than that I really like your story. hope to see the next chapter soon.

Best regards,

MTB.

"...and signaled my dragon to..." YOUR DRAGON? YOUR DRAGON!?! FOOL, DRAGONS ARE NOT OWNED!!!
Other than that, great story. Some paragraphs seemed like run-ons, but I think you know what they are...
The dialogue wasn't as well done in this part as in the first, although that's pretty common.
Gabriel doesn't seem as well defined as the girl, but hey, maybe he'll turn out to be prince charming. Also, with the dragon again, sometimes you refer to him as being clever, like when you say "probably just for show" and other times he sounds like an ordinary beast like a horse.
The line "I looked down to find that she was within a centimeter of dozing off" sounds weird. I know it's a play on 'within an inch' but I would just stick with that. Or even just say that she looked exhausted.
Well, except for those minor annoyances, great story. It's a plotline that interests me, and I hope to read more of it.
~Questio~
P.S. No one owns a dragon... Dragons own you.