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by KLovelace

Our showered skin rubs.
	 Breath skims my spine.
	 Laying together under this sheet,
	 pillows, side by side
	 yours is better than mine
	 you are my Midas
Your belly button,
	 a black abyss
	 holding you,
	 clutching flame
	 Sharing oxygen
 Time stands
	 so perfectly still.
	 Will I ever be worthy
	 of this simple moment?

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331 Reviews

Points: 10565
Reviews: 331

Sun Jul 28, 2013 9:31 am
Blackwood wrote a review...

Great job the imagery is incredible.
I am curious as why a belly button is a black abyss? It sort of gives me a creepy image.
I have a couple suggestions regarding the lines that are not indented. They really stand out from the others so I feel you need to take extra care in choosing those words especially 'time stands' Its a nice phrase but it has notably less syllables than the others.
I like the effect of the stanzas getting smaller, indicating more hurried thoughts.

You need to watch your punctuation and capital letters. This part confused me as to where the line ended, if it was a line-break or not.

clutching flame
Sharing oxygen

Good job.

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212 Reviews

Points: 18156
Reviews: 212

Sun Jul 28, 2013 8:43 am
ScarlettFire wrote a review...

Hello KLovelace! Scarlett here to review you poetry this afternoon. ^^

Oh, wow. Just wow. Not this is how you do poetry. Klovelace, you are awesome. I sense a new YWS poet in the making! You'll be famous with a few more like this. <3

I don't know if I can do anything here, it's just so good. Like ohmygod good. So I'll stick to all the things you've done right. Like rhyming; rhyming is good is some place, but not every single line. You haven't really done that here, so that's a very good thing. You've also kept it short; that works for some people and not for others. Here, it works. I also love the way you've set it out. It's awesome. <3 Long can work, too, but here, short is good. ^^

I love the flow here, it's brilliant and it's just so easy to follow. This is awesome. I like how you've divided this into three sections, just by moving certain sections over a little, indenting them. That is a cool idea, and it works so very well here.

Now, I don't really have anything else to say. Your flow is brilliant, it's simple but has so much more than some poems I've seen, and I don't think that anything else needs improvement. At all. In fact, there's not much I can really comment and crit here, either. I do agree with the others. How does Midas come into this? But then I was thinking, isn't the idea of someone being Midas to you a bit like being "gold", something precious? Let me know if I'm totally off on that, though!

Thanks for the lovely poetry, Klovelace! I hope this review helps, somehow. ^^

Remember; keep it up and never stop writing!

~Scarli. <3

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933 Reviews

Points: 4311
Reviews: 933

Mon Jul 15, 2013 8:59 pm
Iggy wrote a review...

Hello! Iggy here to review.

First off, nice font! I haven't tested out the new submission forum yet, so this is pretty cool. *-*

Second, I agree with niteowl on this. Midas? I don't get how he fits into this. He was a greedy king who turned everything to gold, even his child. Does the narrator want to turn his/her love to gold? Are you referring to a different reference of amidas? If so, the reader will need more explanation on this, since they will automatically assume you mean King Midas of the Golden Touch.

Third, this was well written! I' m not a poet, so I don't know anything about poetry, but I felt this flowed nicely and it had beautiful imagery. Ome nitpick was "Laying together under this sheet" because it is longer than all of the other sentences and I feel like it is a human standing out in a clan of midgets.maybe try and shorten a bit? Just a suggestion, of course!

Overall, nice job and keep writing!

~ Iggy.

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Points: 240
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Sun Jul 14, 2013 3:39 pm
Jordanmedina1 says...

Wow I have to admit right from the beginning I get so much visualization. It really gets me thinking about someone in my life..

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1226 Reviews

Points: 34244
Reviews: 1226

Sun Jul 14, 2013 4:18 am
niteowl wrote a review...

Hi there KLovelace! I don't think I've officially welcomed you yet, so welcome! Now, on to the piece.

I love the beginning images. They express this idea of romance so well. I especially liked the line "Breath skims my spine".

However, these lines confuse me:

yours is better than mine
you are my Midas

The first line seems like a non sequitur as written. You could cut it out.

The Midas metaphor...yeah, I can't make heads or tails of it. Midas was a greedy man who turned everything he touched into gold, including his own daughter. I can't recall anything remotely romantic about the myth. Usually, I wouldn't ask for extra explanation of a metaphor in a poem, but here I think it's needed. Perhaps you're trying to say he turns the speaker into gold? I'd try to think of a more appropriate figure of comparison.

Secondly, I think the punctuation could be more consistent. There could be more periods and commas. While it's the poet's choice, I find the inconsistency distracting.

Overall, there's some lovely language in this, but I found the metaphor odd. Good job and keep writing! :)

Homo sum, humani nihil a me alienum puto (I am a man, I don't consider anything human foreign to me)
— Terence