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A Week For the World: Day 1 :Part 1

by wildwildcat


A Week for the World

Day One:

When the explosion went off, I wasn’t expecting an angel.

Before that, I had been taking the normal route to Emanuel’s. Normal, except for the fact that my reckless biking was severely endangering the lives of the pedestrians sharing the sidewalk with me. Amidst a verbal onslaught of “Hey!”’s and “Use the bike lane!”’s I gnashed my teeth, and muttered, “Irritating idiots...” The capacity the average person had for ignorance never ceased to amaze me.

Had any of those people bothered to actually look at where I was supposed to be cycling--the bike lane-- they would have seen many people. These people were not on bikes. No, these were self-serving, ambitious motorists who found it in everyone’s (read: their) best interest if they snaked around the slowing traffic.

My wheels kicked up stray bits of litter, and an empty cup rolled away. Hitting the brakes, I picked up a discarded chip wrapper and used it to pick up a half-eaten pear, dropping both into a trash can a few yards away. If some idiots hadn’t been careless with their mess, I could have saved myself the hassle.

Stupid people caused the world to suffer from so many large problems: overpopulation, deforestation, and the threat of nuclear warfare, just to name a few. “Why doesn’t anyone else do anything?” I growled to myself, cursing the owner of a half-eaten sandwich thrown on to the side of the street. I could afford to take a little bit of my time to help out. Shouldn’t others do the same?

In a word, I’d describe the world as “hopeless”.

A high-pitched scream pierced my thoughts. Shocked, I forced my bike to a screeching halt as the people and cars ahead of me came to a standstill. “What happened?” I wondered

Against an urban backdrop, dozens of flashing lights and deafening sirens bombarded the scene, made only more extreme by the thick columns of smoke I saw rising. As I walked my bike over, through the crowd of onlookers and policemen and cars, I could make out a large perimeter marked with caution tape. In a policeman’s arms, a woman next to a baby stroller was sobbing hysterically.

The scream had been hers. Was something actually wrong? Squeezing under another person’s arm, I made my way near the officers and was stopped short.

A large crowd was gathering around the caution tape. I approached a middle-aged businessman--judging from his suit--and tapped him on the shoulder.

He was thin and balding with heavy eyebrows that made his face look like it was all going downhill. I noted his battered briefcase and tattered suit.

“Hm?” He gave me a questioning look.

“Excuse me, might you tell me what’s going on with all the caution tape and police cars?” I asked.

“Oh, well, you see, there’s these apartments burning, and the police say there’s a possibility of a gas explosion.” He replied, almost seeming excited. The man wasn’t worried at all. Madman.

“That’s insane! Why is everyone just standing here? Are the people in the apartment safe?” I exclaimed in surprise, getting a few odd looks from the others in the crowd.

A gas explosion was not good news. Doubly so if they’re near you.

A police officer came over, strolling along the caution tape, pushing people back, “Sonny, you’re about to witness some raw power. A gas explosion can produce huge walls of flame. You see that blue pipe all the way back? Just dug this morning. The fire could spread soon and the whole thing might blow, but we’ve already evacuated everyone a safe distance. That’s what the caution tape is for.”

His reply calmed me a little, but I was still pretty wary. Who was he to be an expert on bomb explosion radii? The blue pipe didn’t seem that far away.

Cautious as I was, it would be incredible to see a demonstration of pure power. But I didn’t have much time, and Emanuel would fire me if I was late. No matter what explanation I gave, he would take no excuse. His requirements for his employees were near tortuous, but he was the only one who’d hire me for hours longer than the state limit. And this was for less than minimum wage since I was technically underage.

I swung my legs over my bike and readied to leave, but I remembered the crying woman holding a stroller. What had been going on? I looked at my watch. I had to hurry, but curiosity got the best of me.

Before I could get a chance to ask anyone, the woman with the stroller broke free of the officer’s hold and tried unsuccessfully to make a break for the tape. Two struggling policeman caught her as she cried and writhed. My heart skipped a beat. Were they roughing her up? I looked to the crowd, but every eye was trained on the fire in the distance.

I spoke up, “What are you doing to her?” I was a lot more nervous than I let on.

It was the woman who replied. In a shaky voice, she answered, “My child, Gerald, he’s gone missing. We left together when we heard the evacuation warnings in our apartment, but when I arrived, he wasn’t in the stroller. Oh! He’s only three! My Gerald is all alone, crying right now! He could be burning! Why won’t you do something?” The last question was directed at the officers.

“Ma’am, the area there is highly unstable. Extra motion could set off the explosion at anytime. We’re under strict orders not--”

“Screw your orders! Someone! Do something! My child could die! My child will die!” Each person hung their head or reddened in shame and looked away as she cried out. No one wanted to die. No one wanted to walk straight into the burning building, or set off an explosion. Even if it meant saving a human life. Everyone else in the crowd, all the other people, sickened me.

The woman beseeched the crowd, pleading with her eyes. I was the only one that met hers. She knelt and whispered to the sky, “God, anyone, do something to save my child. Please.”

I was never one for heroics. “If anything,” I thought, “I should leave for Emanuel’s right now.” I checked my watch. The jam in traffic had cost me almost ten minutes. If I didn’t leave immediately, I was bound to be late. Not to mention, it was obviously the woman’s fault she lost her son. Chances were, she valued her life over her child, and in the mad scramble to evacuate, lost her kid. It wasn’t my fault. It was hers. “She should solve her own problems. Why me? I should just leave her, shouldn’t I?” My mind struggled to rationalize my decision to walk away.

But all that would do would be to prove my point. That I, like everyone else, wouldn’t solve other people’s problems. I would be just as terrible as everyone else.

I made my decision.

The first step was the hardest.

"Desmond, what in the world are you thinking? You’re marching straight into certain death!" My thoughts were less than encouraging.

The onlookers gasped, and the officers realized what I was doing.

I broke into a sprint, rushing at the tape as officers scrambled to find their bearings .

“C’mon, let me through...” I muttered as I swerved to avoid each oncoming person. The caution tape was coming up soon. Scared of crashing into it, I instinctively backed, catching the charging officers in the corner of my eye.

I ran faster.

Another officer appeared in front of me, bracing himself for the impact of where he thought I would run.

“Sorry kid, orders are orders,” the officer spoke, arms extended, expecting my impact. I ducked down and rolled across the crook of my arm. He jumped back in surprise at my sudden drop, giving me enough time to slip away. Wincing in pain, I continued towards the burning building in the distance. My entire side felt like it hit the pavement- which it had.

“Hey! You’ll die for sure! Get back here, kid, you hear me? That whole thing is unpredictable!” The officer shouted from behind the caution tape. Typical person. Never one to risk their life for another’s.

“Who says people can’t be unpredictable!” I shouted back as I ran towards the column of smoke.

I couldn’t think well about what I was doing. Everything was moving too fast. “Snap! Emanuel is going to fire me! “ I lamented out loud as my brain screamed, “Desmond Wing, you are running towards a burning building to save some idiotic woman’s child, and you’re worrying about your job?” My brain is quite good at putting things into perspective.

"I can still back out now," I told myself, “Your life doesn’t have to be squandered like this Desmond, you can still help other people. You have already helped out lots of people, why do this?” Considering that it was me asking myself a question, it was all but rhetoric, “I can’t turn back, I’ve already made my decision.” But as each step I took put me farther and farther away from safety, I couldn’t help but think, "Was it the right decision?"

The evacuated buildings paled in comparison to the crimson spectacle ahead. Great columns of smoke were issuing out from the roof of the complex as flames poked their tips through the windows. The freshly-dug earth a few feet away was bunched around the large gas pipe.This was where I had to go?

Sniffing the air, I gagged and bunched my shirt into a ball over my face. The air stung with heat and reeked of smoke. Blinking rapidly, I tried to clear my irritated eyes, but every step I took only made the heat and smoke worse. How could I pull this off?

In front of the building, I stopped and yelled, “Gerald! Are you here? Your mommy sent me to come get you! Hello? Gerald?” I tried to sound as cheerful as I could in front of a blazing apartment. My heart pounded as adrenaline surged through my body. Exhilarating as it was, standing on the brink of being burned to a crisp, my body wanted to get out of here as soon as possible. Reasonable.

I got no reply, but I heard a low SHWWSSSH sound around me. It took me a second to realize it was coming from the blue gas pipe. Cripes. The gas explosion,

“GERALD! GERALD! CAN YOU HEAR ME?” I was screaming at the top of my lungs, frantic as the pipe seemed to slightly swell in size. In response, I thought I heard a crying sound.

I looked at the pipe, trying to gauge how much time I had. That was stupid. I knew nothing about gas lines. There was, however, a valve on the side. "Maybe I could turn it off. Whatever the case, I might have ample time to run away before it exploded. Or, I could charge headfirst into a burning building to try and find a child who may or may not be there,"I gauged my choices.

I charged headfirst into the building.

The door was brittle and gave easily. I stepped inside, and every part of my body screamed in protest as the room inside was lit by the flames. Across the plush carpet, rolls of fire flicked their tongues up. The entire room was smothered with flames, producing a homey, albeit distressing glow.

“Gerald! Are you here?” I yelled again.

I peered through the smoke, trying not to breathe. The firelight illuminated the scrawny figure of a little boy, clothes smudged by the flames. A pitiful sight.

Sobbing, his teary eyes looked up to me, begging. Around me was an incredible display of fire. Showy and incredibly dangerous. I paused short as the intense heat and smoke made for an intimidating atmosphere. Was I really about to attempt this?

I weighed my chances. If I grabbed him, I might be able to survive with some minor burns, but if I waited for help, we might both survive unscathed. Who was I kidding? No one was going to help. That’s how people always were. I took a large breath, then coughed out as the smoke filled my lungs. I often forget simple things.

“Gerald, get ready!” I yelled as I jumped past the carpet and grabbed him. Gerald was heavy, and my body felt like it was burning. Holding Gerald as close as I could so he wouldn’t get burned, I ran and jumped again, as an ember singed my pant leg.

I looked again to get my bearings and spotted the same door I entered through. The crackling sound in the building grew louder, and soon, stray embers and beams began to fall.

With Gerald by my side, I rushed towards the door as debris and flames scattered.

A huge flame sprang up, blocking a good part of the door. I backed up as far as I could without touching the flames and leapt. In mid-jump, another small beam fell, cutting my leg and dropping me down to the ground. I screamed aloud as I saw and felt a flicker of flame dart to my exposed leg.

I sank to my knees, right outside the apartment. Frenzied and afraid, I leapt up and tried to move away from the fire, but my leg was unwilling. I tried to crawl until my leg seemed to explode with pain.

I examined my wound. A large gash totaled the skin, leaving it almost unbearable for me. The rest of my flesh had been singed, and my layers of skin were hard to see past the blood. Gerald sniffed, looking at my injury. The flames hadn’t been kind to me, and I wasn’t going to kid myself. I was screwed.

“Hey, I’ll be okay, you go on ahead, okay?” I lied, trying to comfort him. He sniffed and grabbed my hand tightly.

“Run!” I screamed to Gerald, pushing him towards the general direction of the crowd. “Look, Gerald, I’ll be right behind you, go!” Gerald, however, didn’t budge. Over my yells, I could hear a rushing sound. I was screwed. The gas pipe.

“Run Gerald! You don’t want to die, do you? Just go!” I was exasperated, shoving Gerald off as he clung to my shoulder.

The sound of whooshing gas rose in volume. I looked at the pipe; already, I could see it bulging at an unnatural shape.

“Gerald! Leave! I’ll catch up!” I lied, just wishing somehow I could get him to move.

He spoke nothing and just sat down with me. Ridiculous.

“Gerald, I can’t go on. My leg is very hurt.” I grimaced and tried to explain. “You need to go. It’s very dangerous here.”

Gerald just shook his head and stayed.

Panic was spreading through me. In an instant, the flames seemed to completely surround the area, cutting off any escape routes Gerald could have used. Hissing, popping, crackling, all the sounds around me seemed to flaunt at the hopelessness of my situation. I couldn’t let Gerald die.

I had an idea. A very reckless idea. Grabbing Gerald, I tried to hoist him over me and toss him over the flames. If he survived the fall, he could run away, but it was all over for me. Before I could hurl him over, the world around me ruptured.

Like a thunderclap, the world exploded into flames as bits and pieces of shrapnel and wood flew across the scene. I felt a huge force rip through my body. My last thought before I blacked out was, "Emanuel’s going to kill me."


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Tue Dec 03, 2013 2:52 pm
CarolineNaveen wrote a review...



Hey Caroline N. here for a review. (You requested a review on my thread several weeks ago.) I apologize for not having a chance to review it until now. To read this review you will notice that general storyline comments/suggestions are listed underneath the quotes for the above quote. I'm unfortunately becoming a little bit of a grammar nerd so I went ahead and fixed some of the things that were very noticeable in bold

A Week for the World
Day One:
When the explosion went off, I wasn’t expecting an angel.
Before that, I had been taking the normal route to Emanuel’s. Normal, except for the fact that my reckless biking, which was severely endangering the lives of the pedestrians sharing the sidewalk with me. Amidst a verbal onslaught of “Hey's and “Use the bike lane's I gnashed my teeth, and muttered, “Irritating idiots...” The capacity the average person had for ignorance never ceased to amaze me.
Had any of those people bothered to actually look at where I was supposed to be cycling--the bike lane-- they would have seen many people. These people were not on bikes. No, these were self-serving, ambitious motorists who found it in everyone’s (read: their) best interest if they snaked around the slowing traffic.
My wheels kicked up stray bits of litter, and an empty cup rolled away. Hitting the brakes, I picked up a discarded chip wrapper and used it to pick up a half-eaten pear, dropping both into a trash can a few yards away. If some idiots hadn’t been careless with their mess, I could have saved myself the hassle.
Stupid people caused the world to suffer from so many large problems like: overpopulation, deforestation, and the threat of nuclear warfare.

I would consider omitting this:
just to name a few.


“Why doesn’t anyone else do anything?” I growled to myself, cursing the owner of a half-eaten sandwich thrown on to the side of the street. If I could afford to take a little bit of my time to help out, shouldn’t others be able to do the same?
In a word, I’d describe the world as “hopeless”.
A high-pitched scream pierced my thoughts. Shocked, I forced my bike to a screeching halt as the people and cars ahead of me came to a standstill. “What happened?” I wondered
Against an urban backdrop, dozens of flashing lights and deafening sirens bombarded the scene, made only more extreme by the thick columns of smoke I saw rising. As I walked my bike over, through the crowd of onlookers and policemen and cars, I could make out a large perimeter marked with caution tape. In a policeman’s arms, a woman next to a baby stroller was sobbing hysterically.
The scream had been hers. Was something actually wrong? Squeezing under another person’s arm, I made my way near the officers and was stopped short.
A large crowd was gathering around the caution tape. I approached a middle-aged businessman--judging from his suit--and tapped him on the shoulder.
He was thin and balding with heavy eyebrows that made his face look like it was all going downhill. I noted his battered briefcase and tattered suit.
“Hm?” He gave me a questioning look.
“Excuse me, might you tell me what’s going on with all the caution tape and police cars?” I asked.

You have a little bit of awkward phrasing here....a real person would say it a little differently. This wording would appear more in a period piece than the modern story that you have set up.
“Oh, well, you see, there’s these apartments burning, and the police say there’s a possibility of a gas explosion.” He replied, almost seeming excited. The man wasn’t worried at all. Madman.
“That’s insane! Why is everyone just standing here? Are the people in the apartment safe?” I exclaimed in surprise, getting a few odd looks from the others in the crowd.
A gas explosion was not good news, doubly so if they’re near you.
A police officer came over, strolling along the caution tape, pushing people back, “Sonny, you’re about to witness some raw power. A gas explosion can produce huge walls of flame. You see that blue pipe all the way back? Just dug this morning, the fire could spread soon and the whole thing might blow, but we’ve already evacuated everyone a safe distance. That’s what the caution tape is for.”
His reply calmed me a little, but I was still pretty wary. Who was he to be an expert on bomb explosion radii? The blue pipe didn’t seem that far away.
Cautious as I was, it would be incredible to see a demonstration of pure power. But I didn’t have much time, and Emanuel would fire me if I was late.

This is the first time that you have mentioned he was going somewhere....it kind of takes the reader by surprise. You might consider adding a few hints in the opening because he appears to be taking his time.
No matter what explanation I gave, he would take no excuse. His requirements for his employees were near tortuous, but he was the only one who’d hire me for hours longer than the state limit. And this was for less than minimum wage since I was technically underage.
I swung my legs over my bike and readied

Readied? This is not technically correct grammar and I have never heard someone say it like that before. Is it a regional phrase?
to leave, but I remembered the crying woman holding a stroller. What had been going on? I looked at my watch. I had to hurry, but curiosity got the best of me.
Before I could get a chance to ask anyone, the woman with the stroller broke free of the officer’s hold and tried unsuccessfully to make a break for the tape. Two struggling policeman caught her as she cried and writhed. My heart skipped a beat. Were they roughing her up?

This seems like a little bit of a drastic statement. If she was running to get through to police tape it appears to the reader as if the police were trying to protect her or the evidence inside the crime scene. If you want the readers to come to the same conclusion as the main character you might want to include something that would make it very clear that they were being abnormal instead of just holding a woman back from getting through the tape.
I looked to the crowd, but every eye was trained on the fire in the distance.
I spoke up, “What are you doing to her?”

What are you doing to her doesn’t appear to be the best phrasing regarding the woman’s response also. You might try something more like. What’s going on? What’s wrong? Something like that. What are you doing to her implies the police officers are doing something physically abusive to the woman.
I was a lot more nervous than I let on.
It was the woman who replied. In a shaky voice, she answered, “My child, Gerald, he’s gone missing. We left together when we heard the evacuation warnings in our apartment, but when I arrived, he wasn’t in the stroller. Oh! He’s only three! My Gerald is all alone, crying right now! He could be burning! The building is on fire? Okay, might want to make that a little more clear. You said smoke, but it was always referred to as “in the distance.” Why won’t you do something?” The last question was directed at the officers.
“Ma’am, the area there is highly unstable. Extra motion could set off the explosion at anytime. We’re under strict orders not--”

This seems a little shallow even if this was the circumstances these officers would be on the phones with their superiors etc trying to find a way to save the child if he was inside the building.
“Screw your orders! Someone! Do something! My child could die! My child will I wouldn’t put will here because no mother wants their child to die. It sounds to condemning if you want to repeat I would leave the could here. die!” Each person hung their head or reddened in shame and looked away as she cried out. No one wanted to die. No one wanted to walk straight into the burning building, or set off an explosion. Even if it meant saving a human life, everyone else in the crowd, all the other people, sickened me. It’s a child so I don’t think that this would be the only response, some people could yell at the officers, some cry, some scream when they find out. Working on this re-action could really help your story as it stands right now.
The woman beseeched the crowd, pleading with her eyes. I was the only one that met hers. She knelt and whispered to the sky, “God, anyone, do something to save my child. Please.” Why doesn’t she do something? Is she still restrained by the police? What are the police doing right now?
I was never one for heroics. “If anything,” I thought, “I should leave for Emanuel’s right now.” I checked my watch. The jam in traffic had cost me almost ten minutes. If I didn’t leave immediately, I was bound to be late. Not to mention, it was obviously the woman’s fault she lost her son.

That and the follow is pretty cold and unfeeling.
Chances were, she valued her life over her child, and in the mad scramble to evacuate, lost her kid. It wasn’t my fault. It was hers. “She should solve her own problems. Why me? I should just leave her, shouldn’t I?”


My mind struggled to rationalize my decision to walk away.
But all that would do would be to prove my point. That I, like everyone else, wouldn’t solve other people’s problems. I would be just as terrible as everyone else.
I made my decision.
The first step was the hardest.
"Desmond., w What in the world are you thinking? You’re marching straight into certain death!" My thoughts were less than encouraging.
See note below
The onlookers gasped, and the officers realized what I was doing.
I broke into a sprint, rushing at the tape as officers scrambled to find their bearings .


Feel like you should move this up a bit or included something above about feeling, is he sneaking under the tape, ducking under it quickly? Taking a step forward with confidence? What is going on?

“C’mon, let me through...” I muttered as I swerved to avoid each oncoming person. The caution tape was coming up fast soon. Scared of crashing into it, I instinctively backed, catching the charging officers in the corner of my eye.
I ran faster.
Another officer appeared in front of me, bracing himself for the impact of where he thought I would run.
“Sorry kid, orders are orders,” the officer spoke, arms extended, expecting my impact.

What is the deal with these officers? They really should be doing something! A burning building is never really shut down until like a minute or two before it collapses until then there are all kinds of rescue missions. Bomb or no bomb.
I ducked down and rolled across the crook of my arm. He jumped back in surprise at my sudden drop, giving me enough time to slip away. Wincing in pain, I continued towards the burning building in the distance. My entire side felt like it hit the pavement- which it had.
“Hey! You’ll die for sure!

I would omit You'll die for sure!
Get back here, kid, you hear me? That whole thing is unpredictable!” The officer shouted from behind the caution tape. He was a typical person, never willing one to risk their life for someone else. another’s. Then what is he doing in the police force? It doesn’t make since....
“Who says people can’t be unpredictable!” I shouted back as I ran towards the column of smoke.
I couldn’t think well about what I was doing. Everything was moving too fast. “Snap! Emanuel is going to fire me!"

Note your quotation marks were facing the wrong way here.
I lamented out loud as my brain screamed, “Desmond Wing, you are running towards a burning building to save some idiotic woman’s child, and you’re worrying about your job?” My brain is quite good at putting things into perspective.

Haha this is good. It’s a keeper. 
"I can still back out now," I told myself.

You might consider omitting a little bit of this, and maybe putting some of it into thoughts. Also, as a reader we are beginning to lose the element that he is inside a burning building because we are so wrapped up in him talking. You might consider adding a few actions or things that could interrupt his train of thought. For example: Smoke getting thicker, it’s getting difficult to breath, he’s been in the building long enough for his eyes to really be watering at this point. Banisters and rafters start to fall, fire is hot....bet it’s pretty hot in there. Things like that, this is an action sequence and you don’t want the readers to lose the element of suspense that is created by your character’s location.
“Your life doesn’t have to be squandered like this Desmond, you can still help other people. You have already helped out lots of people, why do this?” Considering that it was me asking myself a question, it was all but rhetoric, “I can’t turn back, I’ve already made my decision.” But as each step I took put me farther and farther away from safety, I couldn’t help but think, "Was it the right decision?"
The evacuated buildings paled in comparison to the crimson spectacle ahead. Great columns of smoke were issuing out from the roof of the complex as flames poked their tips through the windows. The freshly-dug earth a few feet away was bunched around the large gas pipe. This was where I had to go?

Here are the descriptive words! Yeah lol. I knew that you would have them eventually, but you might consider adding them in a little bit earlier.
Sniffing the air, I gagged and bunched my shirt into a ball over my face. The air stung with heat and reeked of smoke. Blinking rapidly, I tried to clear my irritated eyes, but every step I took only made the heat and smoke worse. How could I pull this off?
In front of the building, I stopped and yelled, “Gerald! Are you here? Your mommy sent me to come get you!

I think this previous sentence can go away. If he is gagging on smoke as indicated in the previous paragraph he would be trying to save his breath. And only say what’s needed keeping sentences short.
Hello? Gerald?” I tried to sound as cheerful as I could in front of a blazing apartment. My heart pounded as adrenaline surged through my body. Exhilarating as it was, standing on the brink of being burned to a crisp, my body wanted to get out of here as soon as possible. Reasonable.
I got no reply, but I heard a low SHWWSSSH sound around me. It took me a second to realize it was coming from the blue gas pipe. Cripes. What is this word? Sorry...The gas explosion,
“GERALD! GERALD! CAN YOU HEAR ME?”

This is great! You might consider adding it after the descriptive with the first time he was looking, and then ramp it up even more when he discovers the gas explosion.
I was screaming at the top of my lungs, frantic as the pipe seemed to slightly swell in size. In response, I thought I heard a crying sound.
I looked at the pipe, trying to gauge how much time I had. That was stupid. I knew nothing about gas lines. There was, however, a valve on the side. "Maybe I could turn it off. Whatever the case, I might have ample time to run away before it exploded. Or, I could charge headfirst into a burning building wasn’t he already in the burning building? Confused....to try and find a child who may or may not be there. I gauged my choices.
I charged headfirst into the building.
The door was brittle and gave easily. I stepped inside, and every part of my body screamed in protest as the room inside was lit by the flames. Across the plush carpet, rolls of fire flicked their tongues up. The entire room was smothered with flames, producing a homey, albeit distressing glow.
“Gerald! Are you here?” I yelled again.
I peered through the smoke, trying not to breathe. The firelight illuminated the scrawny figure of a little boy, clothes smudged by the flames. A pitiful sight.
Sobbing, his teary eyes looked up to me, begging. Around me was an incredible display of fire, showy and incredibly dangerous. I paused short as the intense heat and smoke made for an intimidating atmosphere. Was I really about to attempt this?
I weighed my chances. If I grabbed him, I might be able to survive with some minor burns, but if I waited for help, we might both survive unscathed. Who was I kidding? No one was going to help. That’s how people always were. I took a large breath and then coughed out as the smoke filled my lungs. I often forget simple things.
“Gerald, get ready!” I yelled as I jumped past the carpet and grabbed him. Gerald was heavy, and my body felt like it was burning. Holding Gerald as close as I could so he wouldn’t get burned, I ran and jumped again, as an ember singed spelling? my pant leg.
I looked again to get my bearings and spotted the same door I entered through. The crackling sound in the building grew louder, and soon, stray embers and beams began to fall.
With Gerald by my side, I rushed towards the door as debris and flames scattered.

Wasn’t he just holding Gerald?
A huge flame sprang up, blocking a good part of the door. I backed up as far as I could without touching the flames and leapt. In mid-jump, another small beam fell, cutting my leg and dropping me down to the ground. I screamed aloud as I saw and felt a flicker of flame dart to my exposed leg.
I sank to my knees, right outside the apartment. Frenzied and afraid, I leapt up and tried to move away from the fire, but my leg was unwilling. I tried to crawl until my leg seemed to explode with pain.
I examined my wound. A large gash totaled (spelling) the skin, leaving it almost unbearable for me. The rest of my flesh had been singed, spelling and my layers of skin were hard to see past the blood. Gerald sniffed, looking at my injury. The flames hadn’t been kind to me, and I wasn’t going to kid myself. I was screwed.
“Hey, I’ll be okay. You go on ahead. Okay?” I lied, trying to comfort him. He sniffed and grabbed my hand tightly.
“Run!” I screamed to Gerald, pushing him towards the general direction of the crowd. “Look, Gerald, I’ll be right behind you, go!” Gerald, however, didn’t budge. Over my yells, I could hear a rushing sound. I was screwed. You have said this twice....you might want to change the wording in one of these places. The gas pipe.
“Run Gerald! You don’t want to die, do you? Just go!” I was exasperated, shoving Gerald off as he clung to my shoulder.
The sound of whooshing gas rose in volume. I looked at the pipe; already, I could see it bulging at an unnatural shape.
“Gerald! Leave! I’ll catch up!” I lied, just wishing somehow I could get him to move.
He spoke nothing and just sat down with me,. R ridiculous.
“Gerald, I can’t go on. My leg is very hurt.” I grimaced and tried to explain. “You need to go. It’s very dangerous here.”
Gerald just shook his head and stayed.
Panic was spreading through me. In an instant, the flames seemed to completely surround the area, cutting off any escape routes Gerald could have used. Hissing, popping, crackling, all the sounds around me seemed to flaunt at the hopelessness of my situation. I couldn’t let Gerald die.
I had an idea. A very reckless idea,. G grabbing Gerald, I tried to hoist him over me and toss him over the flames. If he survived the fall, he could run away, but it was all over for me. Before I could hurl him over, the world around me ruptured.
Like a thunderclap, the world exploded into flames as bits and pieces of shrapnel and wood flew across the scene. I felt a huge force rip through my body. My last thought before I blacked out was, "Emanuel’s going to kill me."


It’s a great concept, and you really have a gift with action writing and comedy. There were some moments when I did find myself caught in the story or laughing at some of his side comments. Just by reading it I’m assuming that you are still revising, as this appears to be an earlier draft. On your next rewrite be careful of consistency and plotline. Your story is off to a great start you just need to watch those places where it jumps, i.e. he is deciding to run into a burning building I thought he was already in one. Or Gerald was in his arms in the last sentence and is now running beside him in the next. Also I would introduce the boss a little earlier in the story, I only had enough time to read through it once today, however it was a bit of shock to find he was going somewhere when we didn’t know that already. Anyways it’s off to a great start, and I’m looking forward to reading revisions and continuations of this story! 




wildwildcat says...


Thank you, I'll be sure to implement some more scenes of realism within the pages, especially during the dialogue and the building. I am incredibly grateful for your review! Thank you so much for your perspective and kind words!



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Wed Nov 27, 2013 8:43 pm
Cirute wrote a review...



Overall, it has potential, but I did find several problems.
First off, there is a lot of scum in the world, but there is also a lot of good people. You shouldn't assume that nobody would do anything about something like that.
Second off, I wish there was more human emotion in this. A teenager throwing his life away in a futile effort to save someone he has never met seems somewhat far-fetched. That's just my opinion though. Writing is about freedom, so I do not want to infer upon your work with my opinions.
There are a few aspects that I like about this. The writing is good, your descriptions are good, and the overall tone is great.




wildwildcat says...


Thank you for your thoughts! I really want to have a multiple sided view on this, so I really appreciate you giving your comment!



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Sun Sep 29, 2013 3:00 am
StoneHeart wrote a review...



Hey Wildcat! Black finally arrived for your requested review (which, it turns out, won't really end up being all that huge and great -sadly :( )

Okay, so first things first: THIS WAS AWESOME! Your style of writing, put in with this idea has just simply blown my mind -it is absolutely incredible! Again, I repeat: THIS PIECE IS AWESOME! Cliche story style, over-used idea, bad grammar, and all! :D Don't worry, things aren't actually as good or bad as they always seem -cuz that's how life works. So yes! IT WAS AWESOME and I read it faster than I thought I would, but YES IT HAS PROBLEMS! Good news; you're nothing special -no offence, I'm not either.

Aside from stupid people, the world suffered from so many large problems: overpopulation, deforestation, and the threat of nuclear warfare, just to name a few. “Stupid people were one of the large problems,” I corrected myself, giving a small chuckle. So many people needed help, but few would notice, much less help.


SO LETS GET THIS PARTY STARTED -with mega-problem #1 . You really need to keep an eye out for these exceptional people who actually do help others, and not falsely begin to make the assumption that there are none. Also, understand that there are cases where one person dead is better than one, and risking one's life for nothing is the epitome of idiocy! Rule number one of hewhowantstosurvive is simple; learn to value life to a level such that your life is your most important treasure. You'll get a great character if you have a hewhowantstosurvive personality. Just noting . . . something random.

Oh, random insert here: I really think you could make more sense in the one area where your character introduces the story with 'the ground exploding', but then it never actually happens in the story. You should seriously look into fixing that. If I think about it, it makes less sense :P :( ;)

Anyway, to the organized problem solving: YOUR CLICHE STYLE! The style you are presently using is the ultimate cliche of the present age -besides mushy vampire love stories- and it is known as: THE 'CHOSEN ONE' THEOREM. See, the idea is that you have this charry who, for some random reason, is special and is chosen to be somebody important. I HEREBY WARN YOU! 'The Chosen One' style is extremely difficult to use in a non-cliche style, and I advise you to try to keep things small until you've been writing for at least 20 years -and not use that particular style. :P Just try something new. Being original pays off!

Okay, your CLICHE CHARACTERS! Cliche character types really. These cliche character types are simple as well: ANGELS! Angels are -along with Lucifer and such- absolutely cliche unless you are writing Christian fiction -where there's exception, seeing as they're kind of essential. :P So unless this is Christian fiction then I advise you to rename your guys here, give them some new characteristics, and make them something new. It's that easy! Really!

Also, unless my memory has something REALLY wrong with it then that particular arch-angel's name is Michael, not Machel . . . if it's the Archangel whom you're referring to in the first place! Just thought I would drop a note in on you about that . . . :P

Okay, earlier I happen to recall mentioning that your piece here has bad grammar? Well it does -and your style pays for it. As I also mentioned earlier, this isn't going to be a huge review, so I don't happen to have the time right now to take a ton of quality time off to quote away all of your grammar mistakes. Instead I'm going to sit down and jump right to solve ALL of your problem in one -general solution!

My general solution has two parts: FIRST: READ THE PIECE ALOUD TO YOURSELF BEFORE YOU POST IT! That is critical if you want to make your writing easy to read and have good grammar! You MUST DO IT! Pay attention to what you have, what you want, and what things sound like when you do this! Second part to the solution is to A: Get a grammar checker/ use an online one, or B: get some quick help with your grammar (read articles, talk with people -me even-, and learn a bit!). That last thing is probably quite important. :P

Anyway. As mentioned, this isn't a big review so I'm going to be ending things right away here. This piece really was quite good, and I'll consider reading & reviewing the next section of it -if you want? If you want another review/ some more feedback on any of your reviews, or some help with your writing then I'm easy to PM! Quite easy actually. As a parting warning I'm going to tell you to watch what you do with your characters -delicate little fellows- and not mess them up! Hasta luego till then!


~Black~




wildwildcat says...


Hey there Black, thanks for the stellar review! I understand the whole "chosen to save the world" idea is quite overused in modern literature. Thanks for expounding on that. Machel is a reference to Machael, but it is not the same name
Most importantly, I disagree with your diagnosis of my story having bad grammar. Sure, it might have a few odd typos here and there, but overall, I pride myself on being coherent and correct. If you could spend the time to actually point out major errors, I would be more than happy to agree with you on this issue, but as it stands, I feel the story is fine in terms of grammar.
Overall, I greatly appreciate you taking the time to give me a review that points out a couple of things I could do better to improve!
Thanks!
~wildwildcat



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Fri Sep 27, 2013 1:09 pm
Saichi wrote a review...



All right, hello there! ^^ Just thought that I'd stop by and give my thoughts on this.
Personally, I really enjoyed this, and I do mean that. I actually liked the main character. Sure, he's a bit off about his view on the world and others, but I think that's what makes it somewhat humorous and interesting. Yes, the saving of the child 'Gerald' did go against the character's personality that was portrayed in the previous content. However, if this is about how he later becomes an Apocalyptic hero; then I feel that showing that he still has some moral values despite his views of the world is necessary. This showed to me that, yes, he's bitter about people in general. Yet, he still cares about the world surrounding him. So, I didn't have much problem with how he acted.
Now, apart from that positive note, there are a few things that I believe could be possibly changed or tweaked a bit. Everything was all good, until we got to the part that the angel comes in. I understand where you were going with this, however, the way the angel spoke I found to be a bit odd. Now, don't get me wrong, there's no absolute definition of how an angel might talk. And, I can't even imagine how one could actually portray a proper angel. I know I couldn't. So, hats off to you for bringing one into your story. But, for example:

The figure smiled and spoke, “You get a pat on the back, I suppose? You did attempt to save Gerald after all...Your attempt, though good in concept, was horribly lacking in execution. Absolutely horrible. Congratulations nonetheless.”


I find it hard to believe that an angel is going to tell you that you should get a 'pat on the back'. xD Now, this is just my personal opinion on the matter. So, it's up to you whether or not you take action on this matter. Yet, I just found it to throw me off a bit. However, despite this, I still really enjoyed the story and can't wait to read more about what happens next! So, keep writing and working hard because this story has a TON of potential! ;;




wildwildcat says...


Hello, thanks for responding quickly! I understand the angel is odd, and his speech and mannerisms seem quirky. I meant for Machel to be different, but perhaps I took it too far.
Thank you for the review, and I hope you like the the next few chapters!
~wildwildcat



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Tue Sep 24, 2013 6:44 pm
Rydia wrote a review...



Haaiiii!

Specifics

1.

I wasn’t expecting an angel when the ground around me exploded.
I think it would be more dramatic to have this the other way around, so: 'When the ground around me exploded, I wasn't expecting an angel.' That way the emphasis of the sentence is on the angel instead of the explosion.

2.
Aside from stupid people, the world suffered from so many large problems: overpopulation, deforestation, and the threat of nuclear warfare, just to name a few. “Stupid people were are one of the large problems,” I corrected myself, giving a small chuckle. So many people needed help, but few would notice, much less help.


3.
“What?” I spoke quietly, awestruck at theincredibly incredible transformation before me. Was this really an angel? Or just some hallucination?


4.
Confused, I couldn’t really process what he was saying, and just started spewing out questions.“Who are you? What’s going on? Am I dead?” I couldn’t help with all the questions. Little children do not just turn into textbook angels who congratulate you on attempting saving to save said little child. This was illogical.


Overall

Hey Wildcat!

I really like the descriptions you've got going here and the way you build up the tension in the piece with the character's worries over work and then the building on fire. I also like that the worries about being late for work don't go away just because the building's on fire. That's a good bit of realism!

What I'm not so sure about though is the main character. He strikes me as a bit unrealistic and he doesn't seem like someone who would run into a burning building - he comes across as too bitter and too wrapped up in his own world, to be so angry with the people on the sidewalk and just angry at the world in general. It doesn't fit with someone who would selflessly run into a building which is on fire. Maybe if you made him a little nicer in the beginning then that would feel more likely, but I enjoyed reading this despite that and the angel was a great character with some really fun dialogue!

Nice job!

Heather xx




wildwildcat says...


Thanks! I understand that Desmond comes off as bitter and callous, so rushing into a burning building is not what you'd expect him to do. I may change his personality a bit, but i wanted to showcase different sides of him at different times. So while he may not come across as particularly nice at first, more of his character shows later.
That being said, I'll look into how I can preserve his character,but make him more realistic and likable.
Thank you so much for the review! I look forward to more of your story!
~wildwildcat



wildwildcat says...


One final thing: I'm not sure how well I conveyed this, and it might be better in Day 1 Part 2 or Day 2, but Desmond isn't actually a bad person, as indicated by his thoughts. He just doesn't like what other people do. It doesn't really negatively influence his actions. If anything, the fact that other people do nothing is part of his motivation to help out.
I hope I cleared that up. But I am aware, as you and a few others have pointed out, that his character is unlikable and unrealistic.
Did this clear anything up?



Rydia says...


Yes, that does and if you can make it come across in the story more, I think that would make for a really interesting character. You need to be careful not to make him seem really bitter and grouchy though - there needs to be signs of his positive beliefs that doing good things will make the world better.



wildwildcat says...


Thanks for the tip on how to implement that clearer!



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Mon Sep 23, 2013 3:02 am
dragonfphoenix wrote a review...



Knight Dragon, here to give the second of three reviews (because we know where to find you). :D

All right, the big "stuck out like a neon sign" line.
"Not to mention, it was obviously the woman’s fault she lost her son. Chances were, she valued her life over her child". You've got to be kidding. I agree with Knight Hannah about the MC; the worst part about this story is that it's hard to focus on the story when you want to slap some sense into the guy. He just goes on and on about how stupid people are, and then he goes out and says that??? Um, obviously he's extremely blind or has selective memory. That woman is freaking out, trying to get to her child. She doesn't care about him? Really.

Anyway, with the whole angel thing, a few comments. One, Lucifer is not an angel of "divine proportions". Don't say that, because it's not true. If Lucifer were, then he'd be God, which was what he wants to be. Be very, very careful in dealing with angels. Yes, there are many different types. But no, no angel is on an equal status with God; if they were, God would cease to be God, and the angel would have to be defined in terms of godliness.
Also, my mind is still echoing your main character's question of "why me?" It really does make no sense, and you're going to have to work pretty hard to make this guy a believable doomsday savior.

On a good note I liked the quality (but not content) and style of your descriptions up until the line I quoted. After that, it's not that they went down in quality, but that they were overshadowed by that line's dragging down the work's overall quality.

Hope this helps!




wildwildcat says...


Thank you for your intensive review! I'll try harder to avoid religious conflicts within my writing, and I understand how Desmond can be a real "arse".
On one final note, many characters are multi-faceted, and though Desmond does act horrid, I hope my later chapters can show his transformation, or at least another side of him. That being said, I do see how I can make him a little less hated from the get-go.
Thanks for the review!
~wildwildcat



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Mon Sep 23, 2013 12:55 am
Hannah wrote a review...



Hey there, wildwildcat. Here to review on behalf of the Knights of the Green Room, since you submitted to the contest. The first thing I want to say, though, is that this doesn't work as a stand-alone piece at all and I'm not sure why you thought it would? It's obviously leading forward into other plot. Usually, the ending of a piece leaves the reader feeling satisfied, but this leaves the reader expecting, and that's not a sign of a standalone piece. :/ Did you originally intend this to be the end? I don't think so, right?

Anyway, on to the material. My favorite part about this piece was how well you defined space in this scene. The fact that you worked from a low point -- the people standing around with the police tape -- to a far away point -- the distance between the buildings and the people being pondered by Desmond -- to a high point -- description of the buildings bringing height up beyond the people -- was REALLY masterful, and in fact having other things present like smoke or fire definitely worked even further to make the scene move and rise -- since smoke is always going up. Super awesome. I think you've got great skill and instinct there.

What I wasn't so fond of was the character, actually. I think there definitely are people who go around thinking other people are stupid, but I got really irritated having to hear from him over and over how people were stupid AND THEN have him go running in the fire. Like, it may just be my personality and reaction to your story -- so don't necessarily take this as constructive criticism about your character -- but I search for genuine people, and I'd maybe still believe him if he were stupid and then continued to act intelligently, but to be SO OBVIOUS of a hypocrite is unbelievable to me. Maybe if, instead of just hearing him say how stupid everyone is, we could see real examples of people being stupid in front of him so WE the reader could evaluate other in a similar way and naturally get on Desmond's side. Usually emotion works better that way.

So hopefully this was helpful to you. Welcome to YWS and let me know if you have any questions or comments on my review. :)




wildwildcat says...


Thank you. I tried to break the story into readable "chunks" that could be read without breaks, but I seem to have failed. I am sorry if this violated the guidelines, and I will do my best to either re submit, or delete my post.
That being said, I really appreciate your thoughts on having some examples on stupidity for the reader to judge. Once again, I very much appreciate your review, despite my insolence and am always looking to improve. Thank you so much!
~wildwildcat



Hannah says...


No, your story has been broken into good chunks. Like this is a good place to end a chapter and get ready to go into the next one. It's just that a standalone piece COMPLETELY ends at that point, you know? So we're left wondering -- wait, what happens next? D: I mean, maybe you could swing it as a standalone, but I think it'd have to round up some other loose ends -- like does Desmond now think other people are not so stupid?

When I have time, I'll try to move on to the next parts, too! :)



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Thu Sep 19, 2013 12:18 am
SushiSashimi333 wrote a review...



Okay, so you asked for plot help and I shall do so. Be aware that I may be bias at some parts, but if you have any specific questions for your later plot feel free to PM me ^_^. Here I go.
Your plot is very interesting so far and I love the character's thoughts. It's logical, and the only reason he does his heroic action is to prove himself not what he hates in other people. He's not only for the people, but also for himself which helps make this story more realistic.
Your beginning sentence really catches the reader's attention which is good. It tells them ahead of time what to be expecting from you, and they want to read on to see how this all pans out.
This mentioning of the City of Angels seems a little cheesy to me, and him being chosen and all. I would have to agree that this does sound like it's out of a graphic novel, but I believe if you execute this better than the Gerald rescue attempt then you will have a fine piece here.
The way you ended this was also a little predictable, but it was good all the same. You made it seem more like a movie moment which is good for those slightly cliche parts in novels. That way it doesn't feel like they've read it before, because they're really "watching" it.
I don't really know what plot twists you have in store for us here, but so far it's a little too following the "guidelines". Although I must admit the way you're writing this seems to be working for you because I really liked this. Just a side note, thoughts are supposed to be italics. Hope this helps, I don't really know how to help you on plot but here's my opinion ^_^.
Sushi :D




wildwildcat says...


I have italics on the document I'm writing in, but for some reason, they don't show on here on YWS. It's odd. I have some fun things in store, but it would be rude of me to insist you read the other Days to find out, so I won't do so. However, I very much do appreciate you giving me this review in such short amount of time.
Cheers!
~wildwildcat





Oh, yeah, they do work but you gotta go back and add them in again. It's a pain to say the least XD I may find time to read them another time. You can ask on Sushi Critic again if you like. I am always willing to help since I ask a lot too. Also I'm really close to earning my fourth star and need the push. ^_^



wildwildcat says...


Well, if you were willing to review the rest of Day 1 and Day 2, I would be thrilled



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Sun Aug 25, 2013 6:11 am
Iggy wrote a review...



Happy Review Day! I'm here on behalf of the Black Plague and no I am not Effie Trinket.

deafening sirens bombarded the scene ,made only more urgent


Fix that comma error!

I approached a middle-aged man businessman,


Snip that.

The first step was the hardest.


Perfect line. Simply perfect.

Desmond, what in the world are you thinking? You’re marching straight into certain death!


Whenever the character starts to have inner thoughts, italicize it so it can be distinguished from the actual dialogue and actions.

The dug earth a few feet away was bunched around the large gas pipe.This was where I had to go?


1. The dug earth? Or "they dug earth"?
2. Space is needed to separate the two sentences.

I got no reply, but I heard a low Shwssssh sound around me. It took me a second to realize it was coming from the blue gas pipe. Cripes. The gas explosion,


Sorry to quote the entire text, but 1. Always italicize onomatopoeia sounds and 2. Replace that come with a period after "explosion"


Okay so I'm going to break off right here before I continue my nitpicks. I like to review as I read, and what I want to point out is the moment when the building explodes and is supposed to kill Gerald and Desmond. Consider adding in a break there, like an "xxx" or a "**" or what have you. I just think it would be of more help to the reader, as in a "Hey, this is a break here."


I do believe you just earned yourself a fan. This is pretty darn good, I'm impressed! I love the plot line so far, it's straight to the point. We have a general idea of what's going on. I love that. I hate being in the dark.

I especially like how you described the angel. I'm not the religious type, so all I picture when I think of angels are halos and wings. So this should be educational for me!

I look forward to reading more!

~Iggy




wildwildcat says...


Thanks for all the nitpicking! The small grammatical errors have probably been fixed on the newest version of this, but i just haven't updated it yet. I really appreciate your comments and the review!
~wildwildcat



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Sun Aug 25, 2013 4:05 am
InfiniteSnowfall wrote a review...



Hi Wildwildcat!

I'm going to start off by saying that I really like your title. It's really simple and straight to the point. It's also an interesting one. My first thoughts on this chapter was 'Oh my gosh this is super long. Time to get my read on!'
I think long chapters fit in well with your story so far, though. Since it's (I think) a action-packed, fantasy story. Continue on with your lovely, long chapters!

I really love the way this story is going as of right now. I bet it's going to be amazing. I love fantasy and adventure/action, so I'm sure I'll love this! I like the plot a lot. My favorite part was the meeting of Desmond and Machel. I like Machel already.

Anyway, enough gushing. Let's get to the review.

There was a large crowd gathering around the caution tape. I approached a middle-aged man businessman, judging from his suit, and tapped him on the shoulder.

~ 'a middle-aged man businessman,'
I don't think the 'man' was necessary in this sentence. I think it would sound a lot better if it read:
'I approached a middle-aged businessman,'
Don't you think?

There are a few little errors like that. I know reading through long pieces of work for any little mistakes can be tiresome, but it's worth it in the end. I promise!

You expressed Desmond's feelings really well. I knew what he was feeling practically the entire time. However, I think it would be nice to add a bit more description. I mean, you did a good job on the description. I'm mainly talking about the other characters. I'm interested in how they looked. Like Gerald - were his clothes charred at all? Or his mother, the police maybe?

You don't need to add this stuff in. I'm just speaking my mind. I really enjoyed this! I'll be off to read the rest of the chapters you posted soon. Thanks for the awesome read and happy writing!

Oh, and happy Review Day! Good luck, Black Plague.

Yours till the Chocolate Chips,
Snow




wildwildcat says...


Hello Snow,
I'm really glad that you took the time to give my literary work a review. I definitely agree with your opinion to give Gerald a better description, and some or most of the grammatical errors have been fixed in the newest version of Day 1. I just haven't updated it yet here.
Once again, thanks for the review and comments!
~wildwildcat



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Sat Aug 24, 2013 10:11 pm
Vivian wrote a review...



When I read the blur I thought "This sounds like Percy Jackson" (sorta-ish) Desmond sounds like a real pessimist especially with his outlook on the human raise considering he is human but I can't complain since I sometimes think like that. The first sentence and then what came after it made me think Emanuel was an angel and Desmond also but when I continued I realized I was wrong. This is good, a little cheesy, but :|




wildwildcat says...


I encourage you to read the rest of Day 1 and the beginning of Day 2!
Thanks for your comment!



Vivian says...


I will like I said I wanna see how the world plays out. "- ;]



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Sun Jul 14, 2013 7:46 pm
Dakushau wrote a review...



Hello there, Wildwildcat.

Although I don't read this kind of story too often, I really enjoyed this first part of A Week For the World. The title is a great and interesting one, which is good since the title is one of the ways to draw readers in.

I wasn’t expecting an angel when the ground around me ruptured.


I really like how you began the story with that line. It definitely draws readers in and it drew me in aswell. The story is interesting and I did not expect the appearance of Machel. I like your style of writing and I think you're a very good writer. Your description is also very good and I had no trouble picturing the story within my mind.

Overall I think it was a really good piece and I can't wait to read more. I wish you the best of luck in your writing.

~Dakushau




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Thu Jul 11, 2013 8:01 pm
Deanie wrote a review...



Hey there Wildwildcat,

I like the idea behind this story. I can see action and lots of drama in the future, and plenty of it in this chapter already. It's pretty good ^^ I also like your choice of character names. They're all really unique... Machel, Desmond and Emmanuel. Nice job there :)

I really like your flow of action, because I could understand everything that happened during the fire, and I got what Desmond was feeling. One thing though, is Desmond male or female? You haven't made that clear yet, but it's nice to know ;)

I got a little bit confused at one point, so maybe you should make it clearer as to where Gerald went? That confused me. I really felt Desmond's confusion about the whole meeting of Machel and what it meant for her, but you did it really well. I managed to feel Desmond's frustration and confusion without being too confused myself as a reader. Which is good :)

In the beginning, when all she thought about was work and she saw that woman who was panicky about her daughter, I know I wanted to know more about Desmond's thoughts. That lady must have been suffering an awful lot, and she must've felt that woman's path of thoughts before she went in to risk her life. It takes a lot for that happen, and Desmond did have what other's might have seen as more pressing matters. From what I read I wasn't convinced Desmond would've just jumped in there. Maybe mention how she (I'll just assume Desmond is female because that's my natural intake) thought of the toddler boy lying on his own, choking, calling for Mummy and burning with tears blazing in his eyes. It could be such a torturous experience and line of thoughts that Desmond threw herself in the house to escape her own thoughts? Or to help this poor creature? It's the perfect opportunity to embellish and it'd be nice if you took it.

Other than that, later on I got a lot more emotional sense from Desmond, with the confusion and all, so I was satisfied after that. I'm interested to see how the characters build up, and know more about how Desmond could be useful in such a war. And a nice chapter ending there, by the way. Perfectly daunting, and I'm just itching to read more ^^

Deanie x




wildwildcat says...


Well Desmond is a guys actually, but the part where he jumps in to save the woman's son is impulsive, and you suggestion of the thought is really great for the story. Desmond is, I don't want to give away too much, but he's moral and immoral, so there is a little bit of spite and salvation battling inside him, which I really wished to showcase. I will go over and see how I can revise the aforementioned point to better give a convincing case. In other news, I have posted the rest of this chapter on my page, so if you are interested, go ahead and finish this chapter!
thanks for your comments and review,
wildwildcat



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Tue Jul 02, 2013 5:09 pm
MTBassiony wrote a review...



Hey WildWildCat,

I'm here to review the first part of the first day of your story: " A Week For The World ". The title is awesome, catchy and interesting. At first thought someone would think the title is about something for the enviroment, volunteer enviromental activist. But after Machel's appearence, the story starts getting more exciting, interesting and even mysterious.
Desmond's opinion of the world, his life and the people around him is so moral, I have t congratulate you for writing this masterpiece. Your writing style is very good and you can describe your opinions and feelings fluently, you are even better in describing your charachters and the place.
I really want to see the next chapters soon.

Best wishes,

MTB.





It’s a trap!
— Admiral Ackbar