A Week For the World: Day 1: Part 2

by wildwildcat

Published July 11, 2013

12+

In A Week For The World

I awoke to a group of faces hovering above me.

“Hey! Desmond how are you feeling?” Confused, I blinked and looked to up to meet a bespectacled face. With a jolt, I tried to stand up, but only got around half-way up when I felt a needle of pain shoot up my arm. I looked around. This looked like a hospital, and that man was surely a doctor. What had happened? There were other people here too. Who were they?

“Careful there, you’re very lucky you survived that gas explosion.” The doctor said, forcing me back down onto the mattress. That was right! The gas explosion! Everything came tumbling back. The fire, the woman, the officers, Gerald...

“Gerald!” I called out, suddenly remembering him.

“Oh!” I heard someone cry out. It was the idiotic mother who left Gerald. “I’m so sorry! It’s just, as soon as you ran off, all bravely, we found Gerald. He was... under the stroller. I never noticed him!”

My eyes widened at how stupid the woman could be. Not only did her mistake nearly cost my life, but it was just plain bad parenting.

“You mean, you didn’t check?” I spoke out, much louder than I intended. What sort of mother skips checking her own stroller before panicking? I tried to sit up again, but the pain across my shoulder and arm didn’t seem to be going anywhere.

The doctor, sensing a delicate situation intervened.

“Look, my patient is obviously tired, I’d appreciate it if you all came back to perhaps visit him some other time.” A fat load of bull that was. Chances were, he cared more about his paycheck than me. He probably just didn’t want to be held liable by my parent or guardian if I ended up suffering some more. Of course, he didn’t know I had neither.

‘Wait.” One of the other people in the room spoke up. I remembered seeing him as one of the officers near the caution tape. “This boy might know something more about the busted pipe. It could have been some sort of bomb. We need to know. Did anything suspicious happen?” Idiots. Any of those officers could have came and checked the scene for themselves, but instead, they just put up a measly tape and stood there. Now, their genius idea was to ask me for details. What if I had died? Not only was our law enforcement obviously lacking morals, but apparently more than a few brain cells as well.

The officer’s words however, sparked a new thought. There wasn’t just a fire and an explosion. There was something more, something about Gerald...Something important. I tried to think. What did I remember? I closed my eyes, and in a rush, everything he said came flooding back. Armageddon, angels, Lucifer! Then in an instant, I became crestfallen. Who was I kidding? That was all just a dream. An amazing dream, but still not real. Angels weren’t real, and of course Armageddon wasn’t coming in seven days, that was ridiculous!

“No, nothing. I just remember smelling the smoke and blacking out,” I answered, upset inside. Life was just life, boring and real. Life would never turn into anything fantastical or wild.

“All right then. If you manage to remember anything later, I’ll leave my card here.” The officer spoke, as he and the mother filed out of the room.

The doctor turned to me. “Desmond,I’m going to attend to someone else for a little while. I’ll be back soon. But before I go, I want you to attach this to your wrist.” He held up what looked like a bracelet with a barcode. “That way, the next doctor can scan it and will know what medicine to administer to you. We don’t want you dying on us!” Joking, he dropped the bracelet on the nightstand next to me and made his way to leave.

Unnerved by his words, I tried to lay down and relax, but the dream kept returning to my thoughts. I sat up on the mattress, thinking about it, turning it over in my head. Gerald somehow transformed into an angel? I was confused and he said his name was, what was it, Machel! That was it! He warned me about Armageddon in a week. Despite being a dream, as my brain went over every part of it over and over again. I didn’t seem to forget anything. It was clear like a memory.

I sniffed the air. The scent of freshly baked bread wafted down from somewhere. Was this a hospital or a bakery? My stomach groaned in response, and I realized how hungry I was. What I wouldn’t give for a loaf of freshly baked bread... bread!

“Emanuel!” I screamed, just remembering. The curtains next to my bed were thrown open as a gnarled face peered inside. Balding white hair and a mass of wrinkles creased his skin.

“Would you mind keeping it down?” his creaking voice asked.

“Sorry,” I apologized, abashed at my sudden outburst.

“Really, I’m sorry for the disturbance.” I spoke again, trying to stress how badly I felt.

“Eh, ain’t nothing to worry about. I’m Scott.” The old man grinned and held out his hand.I extended mine also, getting an eerie feeling that I had done something very similar in my dream.

Before I could speak my name, Scott spoke again,“That bracelet don’t look anything like mine. Yours being all shiny and spiffy.” He held up his plastic band, just like the one the doctor had dropped on the table.

“No, mine is the same as yours,” I meant to say, and suddenly, I chilled. I hadn’t put on the band the doctor had given me. I could only remember one other time someone, anyone had given me a silver band. Machel.

Slowly, I moved my eyes over to my wrist, holding my breath.

There, as real as anything else, was the same silver band, with the identical intertwining bands of silver. Machel had called it “important”. That meant only one thing.

It hadn’t been a dream.

I gasped as Scott looked on at me with a look of amusement and surprise, “Something the matter?”

“No, it’s nothing. Look Scott, I’d appreciate it if you gave me some time alone?” I asked. Scott just nodded and ducked back into his own room muttering something about nutters.

Now slow down Desmond, my brain cautioned me. There has got to be a logical explanation, I pondered on my bed. What do I know? I had a dream. In that dream, I received something. When I woke up, it was still there, indicating that it was not a dream. There was no way to take something from a dream and make it real.

I threw my back on the mattress, trying to find some explanation that wasn’t absurd. How could something from a dream be real? You couldn’t take something imagined and make it real, but..

Then, it hit me. Something from a dream couldn’t be in reality, but something real could be in a dream. My thoughts rushed in a flurry as I hastened to stand up, wincing in pain as I foolishly favored my right side. The only way I could think of to explain the cuff was that someone had put it on me, and then I had dreamed the dream. It wasn’t much, hardly anything to go off of, but it was the only idea that made sense. I had plenty of dreams where something in real life appears in a dream, so it wasn’t entirely far- fetched.

That left me with one small problem. I had no idea who brought me to the hospital. However, the officer or the doctor might. Problem two: they had both left.

Grabbing the card the officer left, I rushed out of the hospital room as the door slammed behind me.

I had to know.

I found myself in a bustling white hallway as nurses wheeled and led patients from room to room. Through the jolting mass of people back and forth, a nurse holding a clipboard stopped and addressed me sharply. She was young with a sour look on her pale face. That, and her annoyed stance showed that she considered her job as a means to an end rather than a chance to help others. Her name tag read Luanne and I disliked her immediately.

“You there, aren’t you supposed to be in your room?” She gave me a suspicious look.

Following her gaze, I looked down at myself and was promptly startled as my eyes met the baby blue of hospital robes. Oh snap, I groaned in my head. She thinks I’m a patient who’s lost his way.

“There’s no need for any of that. I’m just on my way to--” Here, I fumbled, reaching in my pocket for the card the officer left.

“-meet with Officer Pare.” I finished, reading off the name.

“Any outside visits will have to be signed off by express permission from your doctor. I’m afraid I can’t just let patients wander around alone.” Luanne pursed her lips, obviously a stickler for rules.

“I’m sorry,” I apologized, not feeling very apologetic at all. I wasn’t going to be able to get out with her around.

“Good. Then go back to your room. I have enough work as it is, watching over my own patients.” She cocked her head towards my room and glared at me, as if daring me to rebel.

Simply sighing, I walked back the way I came.

Satisfied, Luanne turned her back on me and resumed wheeling patients to their rooms. As soon as she left her gaze on me, I ran the other way, hoping to head down the stairs at the opposite side of the hallway.

I nearly bumped into an elderly patient, being slowly walked along. “Sorry!” I called after me, trying to escape Luanne’s detection, ducking low to get to the other end.

“YOU! Get back here!” Luanne had seen me run.

She stomped over steadily. “You will go back to your room!”

I was having none of that. Taking the stairs two at a time, I stumbled, hearing Luanne’s screeching voice trail behind me.

“Young man, when I am finished with you, you’ll wish you stayed in your room!”

I found myself in a large open space filled with chairs seating people. Sunlight streamed through the double automatic doors. “Young man, you will get back here right this instance, or I--”

I never heard the rest of it as the doors opened and closed, signaling my leave.

Rounding a corner, I hid behind a crowd of shoppers as only a lone doctor came outside to check, then went back in looking worried. The coast was clear.

I glanced at the card again. I had only looked earlier for the name, and was hoping that the address was on there as well.

3128 Charston Way. 90185.

The street was unfamiliar to me, but Los Angeles was a large place. Thankfully for me, and L.A.’s growing tourist population, maps of the city were ubiquitous.

I’d taken less than five steps when the blustery afternoon wind blew one my way. Convenient, I thought, and stopped it with my foot. It was a bus route map interlaced with the train timetable. Both of these features were unimportant to me. What was important was that it was a map. Moving to an intersection, I sidestepped a crowd of pedestrians to check the street I was on.

Tracing my path on the map, I found a bus route around the corner that had a stop near Charston. Lucky me. Taking a deep breath, I stared hard at the map for a moment, then tossed it into the trash can beside me.

On my way there, all I could think about was my dream. It had to be a dream... there was just no way it had been real, the encounter... Yet, a small part of me was hopeful, wanting to believe in the wonder of everything.

Offering a little shade against the beating sun, the bus stop stood against a row of shops. I was the only one waiting. Just double-checking, I looked at my shoes again. They were my own.

The bus pulled up and I pulled the laces on my right shoe, grabbing the dollar that lined the inner sole.

A mixed expression of amusement and annoyance played on the drivers face as he waited for me to get my shoe back on. I put my dollar in the machine after stepping into the bus.

“You sick?” He asked looking at my hospital robe.

“Nope. Just in a hurry.” I spoke, trying to indicate the conversation was over.

The driver took the hint as I found a seat near the window. Not many others were on the bus at this time. An elderly woman, a couple with their kids, and some camera snapping tourists at the back. Standard fare. My eyes glazed over the blurring background. People, trees, and shops all mixed to a hodgepodge of colors.

At my stop, I turned to the driver as I exited.

“Thanks and have a great day.” I wished him, eliciting a smile from him as he echoed my sentiment: “You have a good day too.”

Taking out my card once more, I strode alongside the road until the police station came into view. I checked the address once more. It matched the number: 3128. I breathed in and out. I was finally going to get a possible answer. Why was I going through all this trouble for something so insignificant? I asked myself, but knew it was rhetorical. I had always gone overboard when I put my mind to something. Hadn’t the results I saw for myself proved that?

The musty odor of files and papers hit my nose as soon as I opened the door. A small overhead fan whirred, making a constant buzzing sound. From behind the reception, I could see a couple of officers. One behind the desk, another at the copy machine. A thin man sat at the reception, typing rapidly at the computer he had in front of him. His hat lay limp on his pale blond hair. Looking around to make sure that no one else was waiting, I stepped forward.

He rose an eyebrow. Yes?

I cleared my throat and spoke the lines I’d rehearsed earlier in my mind. “Hi. My name is Desmond Wing and I need to talk to Officer Pare. He gave me his card, and it’s imperative that I speak to him as soon as possible.”

“Well, Desmond Wing. Aside from the fact that Officer Pare is away at the moment, I’m afraid we don’t allow visitors without stating their full intentions.” The man at the desk spoke, and gestured to a guestbook on the desk.

“It’s something little...” I spoke sheepishly as the two other officers in the back took a sudden interest in our conversation.

Placing my arms on the desk, I said, “If anything, I can just come back another time...” I trailed off as one of the officers in the back took a step forward. Glancing at Machel’s band on my arm, he looked straight at me.

“Where did you get this?” He was stocky with well-built arms.

Feeling more than a little awkward, I answered, “Actually, that’s what I came here to ask about.”

The officer nodded and stepped forward again, pushing the one at the front desk away, ignoring his cry of anger and surprise.

“I might have some answers you’re looking for. Just step this way with my colleague here.” He gestured to the other officer at the copy machine, and tried to seize my hand. I darted my hand back and moved closer to the door. There was something unnerving about the way he was acting, and the look on his colleague’s face. I didn’t like either.

“Look, thanks a bunch, but I believe I’ll be taking my leave now.” I hastily spoke as I opened the door. In a flash of movement, the two menacing-looking officers had crossed the desk and walked slowly towards me.

“I’m afraid you can’t leave yet. There are a few routine questions we’ll be needing to ask you, Desmond.” I didn’t care for any of that, and ran out the station.

I didn’t expect anyone to follow me, but I was wrong. The pair of two officers came charging straight out of the station right after me. My fear rose as I thought of every possibility. I had to get out of here. Now.

I sped up my pace as I rounded a shop window, catching sight of the pair just trailing behind me. Every part of my body burned as I pushed my body to run faster. I didn’t know who these officers were, but I had a feeling that they didn’t want me for legal reasons.

More than a few people gave me odd looks as I nearly bumped into them. I was reminded strongly of my fateful bike ride that had led to my being in the hospital. All the while, my brain was churning. Exactly what was going on?

“Halt!” Fat chance, I thought as one of the men behind me called out.

Muscles sore, I knew I had to pull something fast before the police officers caught up to me. My leg, coming from the hospital wasn’t entirely better. The patter of my feet hitting the pavement was echoed only a few paces away, and every step shocked me, a jolt of pain per step.

The two men were larger than me--fighting was not an option. I would need my wits to get out of this one.

One block passed by...two blocks... My chest felt like it was going to burst as my breaths came shallow, one after another. The houses next to me flashed by, and suddenly, a wall rose up to greet me. To my left was open traffic, and the right led to a narrow alley, shadowed by the large complexes that towered over the entire area.

Startled by the sudden wall, I stopped for a moment as the two officers slowed their pace and came from an angle, blocking my path from both sides. Could this get any worse?

“Desmond Wing... you have two choices: you can come with us, or... huh, you can come with us, beaten with an inch of your life...What’ll it be?” The stockier one on the right extended his hand as if invitingly.

I backed up against the wall, feeling the cool concrete through the flimsy robe. What could I do in this situation? Both ways blocked and my back to (literally!) a wall?

“Can’t speak?” The same officer asked, and smiled as if amused. Pulling out a long, very sharp knife, he continued, “Guess you won’t notice a thing when I cut out your throat.”

My eyes widened, and my body kicked into high gear. Every muscle in my body tensed as my heart seemed to almost break with its rapid beats. Fear seeped into every pore of my skin. I wasn’t going to get away with just a scratch; I wasn’t going to get away at all...

As the man drew his knife back, everything seemed to slow down as an idea, half-formed hit me. I twisted to my right just as the knife came down, clattering on the wall. With my back to the men and my face to the wall, I took a mighty chance.

“Just what do you think you’re doing?” The officer to my left cried out, advancing forward, arms outstretched.

I didn’t have any time to think, and just reacted. Bursting with adrenaline, I knew I had to get away. If I couldn’t go horizontally, there was only one direction to go: vertically. Jumping, I caught the rough top of the wall and gave my body a push to swing my feet over.

Reacting fast, the two men reached out to my pant leg, and as my feet swung over, they caught on my shoes and tugged. The other had swung his arms up, grasping my legs. Both didn’t seem to be willing to let go.

“Get off of me!” I exclaimed, throwing my weight on the other side of the wall. With a huge ripping sound, shoe slipped out of their grip, with my pants tearing. I heard the two curse and walk around, angered, but unharmed.

I, on the other hand, dropped to the ground on the opposite side on a mixture of my hands, knees, and feet. Definitely not unharmed.

Struggling to pull myself to my feet, I looked around. Trees. Freshly-trimmed lawn. Patio. I was in someone’s backyard, and wasn’t keen on getting yelled at by a surprised homeowner.

Taking care not to disturb the yard, I scaled the fence leading to the driveway. Running to check the sign, I tried matching the street to the map I had saw earlier. After taking about three steps, I saw two dark shapes come around the corner. Caught.

“You didn’t really think you were going to get away from us with that little stunt, did you?” A familiar gruff voice rang out. I felt myself sink into a pit of despair. The officers were still on my tail. It had to have been getting late, I thought. Didn’t these guys have other things to do? Instinctively, I checked my watch (which wasn’t there), and instead, my eyes met the woven pattern of the band on my wrist. Fear settled up my spine as I remembered why the officers were chasing me in the first place.

Too tired to run anymore, I managed a half-jog as the two officers closed in, knowing that they had me. There has got to be a solution out of this that doesn’t involve me dying! I racked my brain furiously for a solution. But no solution came to me. Only the crunch of the policemen’s feet on dry leaves spoke in the quiet neighborhood. Elsewhere, a dim train whistle hooted.

That was it! I jumped up with my realization, shocking the two advancing officers.

“Hey! Don’t try anything. You hear?” I barely heard the two. This street, it’s the one that’s near it, I remembered with a jolt. Galvanized by my sudden glimmer of an idea, I took off.

My weary feet reluctantly hit the ground, reminding me how beat-up I actually was. It’s a huge gamble, how sure are you of the time? I thought to myself, questioning my actions. Doubt began to sink in, but getting caught by these two officers was not an option.

As soon as I started running. The two men gave chase immediately. I considered myself a good runner, but my battered foot wasn’t doing me any favors. How are these men still so lively? The officers weren’t showing any signs of fatigue. Almost as if they had...superhuman stamina.

I didn’t have time to dwell on this as what I was looking for soon loomed up on the horizon. I glanced at the large clock that displayed the time. Curses! I had to somehow stall a minute...Perhaps get someone’s attention? But how?

Idiot Desmond! I mentally berated myself. This was a public area! What do you do to get attention in a public area? Make a scene!

“Help! I don’t know who you are! Help!” I screamed out, getting the attention of the security officers at the scene. One, noticing my commotion seized me, pushing the advancing officers away. He pressed his radio, and seconds later, more arrived on the scene. Both me and my pursuers had been grabbed. I was fine with that. As long as the crazy policemen were also restrained. Trying to break free for a moment, the two police soon became slack as they found resisting useless. A pair of security each bound the police, while a single one held my arms.

The one at the front spoke up, looking at me, “Now, what’s this all about?”

Looking angry, I lied speaking something I hoped would cause unrest, “These officers...these horrible pigs, they hurt my sister. I saw everything happen, but I was too scared to do anything. Then, when I they finished, I ran out and when they saw me, they ran after me. I couldn’t do anything...”

A shocked expression plastered itself on both the police’s face in response to the blatant lie. The security advanced on the officers, looking ready to kill them. The officers looked that way to me. I looked at neither and kept my eyes on the clock. Ten more seconds...Nine...

Looking at me with squinted eyes, the security spoke: “Young man, you have some explaining to do. What these officers say is--”

I never heard him finish as I broke out of the hold the security assigned to me had on me. Racing across the tracks, I heard the whistle blow. I had ran to a train station. Earlier, the map I had seen had a full timetable of train schedules. It was then only a matter of time stalling until the train came. I felt the rush of wind as the train clattered its way across the tracks--me safely on the other side. I wasn’t entirely safe, though. I had to move fast.

Moving as fast as I could, I kept looking back expecting to see the officers on my tail, but throughout my entire route to the bus station, I didn’t see them.

Taking the bus back home, I breathed a sigh of relief as my stop came up. I was safe. But for how long?

Reaching the third floor, I unlocked Number 6 and stepped inside. I had managed to get home without incident, but switching buses, walking in-between, and waiting for said buses had taken me almost three hours. The whole way, I had been paranoid, looking for any signs of the two crazy officers. Everyone had looked suspicious.

I stepped into bed thinking about the craziness of today. Angels, policemen trying to kill me, this, I stared at the silver band on my wrist, what does it all mean? I couldn’t figure anything out as memories from each event swirled together. My head swam as each event took its turn, a snippet here, a snippet there, producing a patchwork of scenes I couldn’t understand.

I could have died today, I suddenly thought to myself, and shuddered under the covers. Twice, at least. Once when I tried to save Gerald, and the other... I rolled over, thinking about the officers chasing me. He was going to stab me! Everything seemed so unfamiliar and cold. I needed an anchor back to reality. My reality.

Finally finding something comfortable and familiar, I settled on the items pinned on the large board opposite my bed and closed my eyes, feeling a little prideful.

Comments & reviews · 5
User avatar
Rydia
Review
Rydia wrote a review Review · Oct 19, 2013

Hello!

Specifics

1. I'd quite like more description or more careful wording surrounding the mannerisms of people. Like the doctor forcing him back down is a little strong, you should maybe have 'gently forcing me back down' or 'firmly easing me back down'. Something that fits his language and role as a doctor better.

2. Why is the woman in his hospital room? Remember to research and to keep things realistic. Doctors are very firm about only having one or two family members in a room, especially when a patient hasn't come around yet. I had a minor operation when I was a kid and only my mum and the nurse were allowed in the room so as not to startle me when I came out of the anaesthesia. This guy has been badly injured so he must have been operated on which takes time and the woman has probably gone home by now. Or at least she won't be in the room. They're pretty cautious when it comes to anaesthesia because of how disorientated it leaves a person when they first come round. My clearest memory from then is the confusion of opening my eyes and not being in my room back home.

3. I like his decision that the last chapter was all a dream. That feels really believable and makes him a more 'real' character. Good thinking. Again though, you need to have the cops brought in by a doctor. Watch a few crime films and you'll see they always have to wake until the patient is awake and then ask a doctor to be allowed to question them.

4. The doctor would have tied the band to his wrist already. Plus, the nurses give out the medicine, not the doctors, and they read the charts. The wristband is just your personal details and I think different colours mean different things but they don't scan it or anything.

This scene needs more awareness of there having been an operation. One of the scariest parts of waking up after my op was all the weird stuff attached to me. When they put me to sleep I had only the small inset on the back of my hand for the needle, then I woke up and there was a plastic thing sticking out of it to put pain killers through, a wristband on my arm, bandages on the operated area. It all feels really foreign and out of place. I want Desmond to be experiencing these changes to his body - not just the pain, but the bandaging and the realisation they've shaved a bit of the skin to get at his wounds. It's really invasive and for someone young, there's that moment of embarrassment because being in an open backed hospital gown and knowing that the doctors have seen most of your body when until then your parents were the only ones to have seen you naked is just weird.

5. Why is Scott the one coming across him? They keep old people on a separate ward because they require a different kind of care. If you've ever visited someone over 60 in hospital, they're always on the ward full of old people, unless they have a specific problem. So heart problems is a mixed ward because you get younger people having heart attacks too. I forget the name of it, cardiology ward or something. Then you get the cancer ward which is another mixed one or the respiratory ward. I visited my friend at that one when she had a lung infection set off by her smoking and it scared her into giving up because everyone else on the respiratory ward was much older and they all had so much trouble breathing, many of them from long time smoking. So yeah, do a little research! I had to share me ward with an anaemic teenage girl so I think it must have been for young people/ young girls at least.

6. If he has almost died, he needs to be bed ridden. Or it needs to be clearer that he made some miraculous escape with very few injuries. The nurse is also too quick to catch him out. Unless he's hobbling and struggling, she would presume he's allowed to walk around - quite a lot of patients are because you have both long stay and short stay patients. The nurses tend to be too busy to stop and talk to you - we took my friend off the ward for longer than we were supposed to to get her away from the old people and nobody even noticed. Patients are allowed to go to the bathroom and they have these little sitting rooms where they can read books or play a board game or have visitors over. A lot of patients are actually not bed bound.

7. Okay I'm not buying his need to know. This feels too action packed just for the sake of making the scene exciting. He should just stay in the hospital for a day or two then go find the officer when he gets checked out, or call him. All he wants to know is who brought him in, right? He can even ask the doctors. You have to sign off a lot of the time when admitting a patient so if he stresses out enough and makes like he'll try to leave if they don't find out, they'll probably send a nurse to check for him. Basically, keep it real or you'll annoy your readers. Plus, who goes outside in a hospital robe. They have an open back you know, you have to hold them closed just when you're moving around inside if you don't want everyone to see your underwear. If you're even allowed your own underwear. I wasn't because my op was around the upper leg area so I woke up in a pair of paper knickers not unlike a diaper - I was so not going anywhere.

8. He's running too much for having just been in a serious accident. And climbing. The police officers are also too obviously bad guys - it would be more interesting if they were after him but not overly violent. Then we wouldn't know if we wanted him to keep running or get caught.

9. I'm not sure what trains are like in LA I'll admit but here you don't just see a timetable on a wall and if you do, it's for the actual station, not just a crossing. At a station you can't get across the tracks that easy, you have to get stairs to cross the platform or you'd have to actually scramble down on to the tracks because the platforms are always raised. At a crossing the barriers go down. I'm just finding this really hard to picture because it doesn't make sense with my knowledge of any trains or stations. If it does exist then you need to describe it better so your reader can understand it.

10. He wouldn't have his keys or things on him so how does he get in the house? They take your things off you when you check in a hospital and either put them in secure drawers on your ward or give them to the family member who brought you in. If there isn't one, they have lockers and stuff. Plus, we didn't see him grab any stuff earlier. Remember to be consistent.

Overall

I like the idea of the steel bracelet and I think you've got a good way of writing which makes your scene and character seem fun, but this chapter was too unrealistic for me and didn't have enough description. You need to make us believe Desmond is injured and give him better motivations for leaving the hospital. It's really not as easy as you made it out to be! You're also just moving too fast in general so that the scenes fly by like crazy and too much happens in a short space of time.

I hope that helps a little!

Heather xx

Anks so much for tips on easing into the reality of the situation! I really appreciate the points you have made, and will strive to add or alter things to make it more believable!

Rydia replied · Oct 19, 2013

No problem! :)

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Vivian
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Vivian wrote a review Review · Aug 25, 2013

Hi again, Desmond needs to work on talking himself out of things. There was very convincing lie he could have told Luanne but I like the one he told the security officers I laughed at their reaction. To me it seems the story will get better every chapter and so I'm hurrying to read the next one. Great work bye! :) :)

Thanks for the comment! I really appreciate you taking the time to leave them, and I will strive to make each chapter better! :)
~wildwildcat

InfiniteSnowfall wrote a review Review · Aug 25, 2013

Hey again. :)

Another incredible chapter. I like how Desmond is very care-free. He does what he wants, when he wants. No matter what other people think or how exactly it will affect himself. I don't know if 'care-free' is the right word, but you get what I mean, right?

Gosh... I don't even know what exactly to say. No amount of words can express how much I love reading your story. And I've only read three chapters s far! You're an amazing writer. I do have a few things I want to mention.

Some grammar thing real quick.

What I wouldn’t give for a loaf of freshly baked bread... bread!

~ Forgot to capitalize 'bread' after the ellipses.

far- fetched

~ I believe there doesn't need to be any space between the words and the dash. It can just be far-fetched.

He rose an eyebrow. Yes?

~ I'm not sure if you forgot to put the 'Yes?' in quotation marks or if you're saying the policeman is suggesting 'yes?' by raising his eyebrow. I hope that makes sense.

Okay, now that's done and over with. I have two questions I'd like to mention, They're rhetorical of course. Just letting you know what I'm thinking.

Right off the bat, Desmond wakes from being in the hospital. I didn't see anywhere that said how long he's been in the hospital. I wonder how long he's been recovering? How much time has passed since the explosion?

Also, isn't he pretty badly injured? He did just survive a major gas explosion. I guess maybe the angels might have something to do with it. He was showing signs of some pain, but I thought he would've been hurt a lot more.

“Young man, when I am finished with you, you’ll wish you stayed in your room!”

~ How old is Desmond? He works for Emanuel, but he is still considered a young man. Sixteen/seventeen maybe? That information will probably be revealed later though, huh?

Okay, I am finished with my review! Again, you don't need to change anything I mentioned above. I like to let author's know what I think and they can just consider it. It's your story and you decide what you want to do with it. Happy writing!

Yours till the Chocolate Chips,
Snow

Thanks for your constant reviews, Snow!
In this installment, I cringe at some of the mistakes I made, and want to assure you that I'm doing my best to change them. After I uploaded Day 1 here, I've made some slight, and some not-so-slight changes to Day 1 that (hopefully) clear up some of this ambiguity and confusion. I'll try to re-post the newer versions as soon as I can!
~wildwildcat

Okay! The little mistakes really aren't all that bad. The writing itself makes up for it. Thank you for letting me know! I'll be sure to go back and read it when it's done. :)

User avatar
Deanie
Review
Deanie wrote a review Review · Jul 19, 2013

Back again :)

Thank you for another enjoyable chapter. The action was good and well paced, and the plot just keeps on moving along. You've got good description about what's happening and what Desmond is experiencing. But I would still like more description on how he feels. I know he's pretty frightened because his life is being threatened, and he is in pain because of his injuries. We want more descriptions of these feelings! Also, when he's in bed at night maybe mention his injuries again so they do not seemingly just disappear?

One thing I noticed in this chapter is that sometimes you switch between past and present tense. Best way to solve this is to choose one and read through it and change them all into the same tense. And when you write future chapters bare in mind that you need to keep the same tense.

In my opinion Desmond seems a little girlish? I don't know, maybe it's just my opinion. I'm just voicing my thoughts though, you don't need to change anything in accordance to this statement >.>

Keep posting, and let me know on my wall when you've got the next chapter up because I don't get notifications when someone replies to a review...

Deanie x

Thanks for the review! As for the whole tense issue, I am going through the enitre work to edge the kinks out. Reminding the reader of Desmond's injury and his thoughts are a great idea, and I thank you for the suggestion.
A side note: my actual story is broken into Days and not Parts, so both parts one and two are technically the same chapter.

User avatar
Dakushau
Review
Dakushau wrote a review Review · Jul 14, 2013

Hey Wildwildcat,

Once again you've done a good job with plot and description. And just like with the first part you did a good job drawing the readers in at the beginning. You had a couple of spelling errors here and there but they were very few and not often. I really enjoyed this second part just as I did the first one and can't wait to read more when you have it.

I wish you the best of luck in your writing!

~Dakushau

Thank you for the review!
wildwildcat



I write because I don't know what I think until I read what I say.
— Flannery O'Connor