Young Writers Society

Hello Night, Vivian here. I liked your poem it's very dramatic, like Romeo and Juliet the ending anyway.
I like the theme since fairy tales always had a deeper story and darker meaning. Your words say sleeping beauty is dead but she still dreams and screams. You also say she is beautiful even if she is dead though that's my guess.

"The Black Bird sits"

Is the black bird a raven or the witch? :}

Hiya Nightly! I've returned to review some more of your work!~

I guess the main things I really liked about this was the theme because I like how it was linked to the fairy tale of sleeping beauty- I thought that was really cool. Yeah, i've often heard about Princess stories and Fairytales being sugar coated by Disney and others for the children, so I think it's good that you're revealing to truth!

Something you could spruce up a bit on is the punctuation, because right now it feels a tad boring. The first six lines consist of no punctuation, then a full stop/comma. I know you've included dashes too, but I don't think they're exactly in the right place. Just remember that just because a new line start, doesn't mean that there's going to be a pause. I suggest to you to read it aloud once more and see when the pauses could go in. However, this isn't really a MAJOR issue.

Now, more on the message of the poem. I briefly know the 'true story' of sleeping beauty, and I know that that's not all that happens. So maybe you could add in a bit more of the story in there, perhaps more about the prince in it and what he means to her. It's a bit short at the moment, so I'm sure no harm done in adding a bit more to it.

All in all, this was a really cool poem with some fantastic imagery. Next steps would be to keep on varying that punctuation although I see you've started already, and perhaps add even more about the story of sleeping beauty. Sorry if this review wasn't that helpful, I found it rather hard to find suggestions for this because it was really good! PM me if you have any questions or would like another review on anything.

Keep on writing!
-Arc x

I absolutely loved it. I usually detest rhyming in poems that aren't children's poems, but adore it when used choppily. And it worked so well for this poem!

The topic is amazing. I can't even express how much I love it.

My only problem is the last two lines- where did the black bird come from? Why is it there? I don't particularly understand, but it doesn't affect the quality of the entire poem, really.

All in all, wonderful!

This is a great poem. I like the twist you put on the fairytale. It's dark and it makes you think. You give a really good visual. I completely picture the girl you're describing here. You totally set the mood, but I feel it could've been longer. Maybe describe her struggle to break free?
Overall an outstanding piece.
Great work,
~vivien

I like this poem!! It was pretty good. I like how you described her while she's sleeping and you used some good word choice. Good job:)

I enjoyed reading, but haven't really much to say in typical review. This poem stands on its own. It is neither a skeleton, nor a full-bodied read. It is a pleasant distraction, and a quite clipped, well-paced one.

I'm a bit of a Poe-body, and this is reminiscent of his work, albeit lacking some of the depth and diction. If you were considering expanding or elaborating on the work, I strongly encourage it - though, admittedly, I believe you will find it no longer is the same work at all.

If you do pursue a larger, inspired work, lengthen the lines of the poem. Split ideas into complex, spiraling stanzas. Complete the work in much the way you do - scan the room, the scene, ending upon the main subject and The Black Bird. Touch down solidly at the end, with finality - much as you do here, but it is much harder with longer sentences and more complex frames. Consider analogy. I seem to be saying that a lot right now, but many writers ignore analogy in favor of metaphor or very literal description. So try likening things to one another, describing them in detail as you ramble on about something seemingly unrelated. For instance, "the tear was like an elephant falling angrily down a hill, tumbling, spinning, snorting, shouting - crying -- splash."

You can achieve some fascinating descriptions and discover interesting and wonderful devices through analogy, so don't count it out.

As it is, this is a good poem. Don't revise it though. Rebirth it, if anything.

Be forever hortatory,
~Skorlir

Wow! I'm not really into poems but yours is fabulous!
I've never been a rhymer but you've used that tool really well in your story.
However, the most important thing to remember when you include rhyme is to
keep the lines the same number of syllables so it doesn't sound choppy. There are
a few places where this problem makes the rhyming off, like in this collection of lines:

'Blue lips pursed
In silent scream
Reliving some
Horrid dream'

I don't know why but this sounded choppy to me - a few more syllables should be added to that last line like 'Horrible dream' instead.

Other than that, all I can say is that maybe you might want to try some punctuation. I know that zero punctuation adds to some poems and that for yours it definitely doesn't take away but a few commas or periods here and there never hurt anyone.

So, great poem. Wish I had a poet's talent. Keep writing

It is an amazing piece. U rymed a couple times but need to ryme a bit more to catch the eye.

Loved it! I love the way you made the story darker.

This is not much of a review, but I liked the imagery, descriptions, and twists that you threw into the story.


Great poem!

With Love,
Paige