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Venom [3]

by Clarity


Venom pollutes
the remnants
of my sanity.


One deadly poison
freely cascading
through my veins.


The bane of my
existance, is my
fatal attraction


towards thy
plague of
anothers heart.


Resistance is
demode and
abandoned,


Deliverance is destitue,
once beyond said
bounds.


Radiance forgone
beyond the horizon.
Seclusion transpires.


Vehemence has
claimed me as
it's keeper.


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34 Reviews


Points: 428
Reviews: 34

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Sun Jun 30, 2013 6:23 pm
Sparkle wrote a review...



Hi, Sparkle here to review this for you!

First off, I agree with Hannah that bitterness is a very interesting and unexplored emotion. I think you did a good job portraying the strength of emotion in this poem. Also, excellent use of vocabulary! Cascading, bane, demode, destitute, and vehemence are all wonderful words that convey specific emotions much better than words like sad or lonely.

I also liked that you didn't come right out and say that you were writing about being bitter or being hurt. You showed these things to the reader instead of just telling them, so to speak.

I agree with the former reviewers that this poem would have flowed batter with less line breaks. To mean a line break represents a transition into a new idea, not just an extra space.

I really liked the line

"Deliverance is destitute,"

But I wish you had gone into more detail about what you meant. It made me curious and I found myself wishing I knew what you meant by it more.

This is a really good start. Keep writing!




Clarity says...


Thankyou!



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1464 Reviews


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Reviews: 1464

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Sun Jun 30, 2013 12:38 pm
Juniper wrote a review...



Bonjour, Clarity~

You have a creative way of portraying what I assume is a feeling. It brings to mind something halting, chilling, and dangerous, which I like, because mastering vivid poetic imagery is a skill that will take you to high places in life.

However, I got the feeling that the same idea was being repeated throughout the poem and it kind of grew monotonous! I say this because each stanza struck me the same way, with an assortment of absence, chilliness, and venom.

One deadly poison
freely cascading
through my veins.


I don't like this stanza because of the use of the word cascade; to cascade is to gush, to burst forward, and venom doesn't surge through veins; it's a gradual process borne from the process of the heart.

Deliverance is destitue,
once beyond said
bounds


As a general rule, spell check is always a good idea. I believe this should be destitute.




Clarity says...


Thankyou!



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1313 Reviews


Points: 23286
Reviews: 1313

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Sun Jun 30, 2013 3:11 am
Hannah wrote a review...



Ooh, I like this exploration of bitterness. For such a powerful emotion that we feel so often, it's too frequently written off as pathetic and petty. Here, you've discovered the strength and venom that lies beneath it. Nice job.

Be careful with the way you phrase your sentences, though! I would suggest taking all the line breaks out of this poem and reading it as prose just once through. Not only will this help you clean up some of the small punctuation errors you have when you treat the words as prose, but you might discover some of the awkward word patterns, too.

For example, I had a problem with this:

towards thy
plague of
anothers heart.


Thy means your. The receiver of the speaker's message's plague is YET ANOTHER person's heart? I could almost accept the meaning, because it's like the speaker is upset the receiver doesn't like them back, BUT why use the word plague, then? To the receiver, this is not a plague, and so there for they could not possess the situation (as the word "thy" implies) AS a plague. The speaker can see the plague, but you'll have to rephrase this section to work it that way.

Now, I don't know if you noticed something curious happening from "resistance" onward. From that point, every stanza starts with a noun. They're all effective and vivid nouns, but all nouns, and it becomes this odd pattern. The previous part of the poem flowed smoothly threw ideas, but this makes it so we kind of have to start our thoughts over each time we reach a new noun. Is there anyway you might weave them together better?

Please PM me with any questions or comments you have about my review, okay?
Good luck! Keep writing!




Clarity says...


Thankyou!



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241 Reviews


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Reviews: 241

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Sun Jun 30, 2013 1:49 am
Jonathan wrote a review...



Ollo, I am here to write a review :P. I hope it helps.

Well I would stick some of these together and make the lines a little bit longer.

towards thy
plague of
anothers heart.
This does not make sense also Anothers is not a word it is used in stuff like in "another heart" like you are talking about someone's heart And the s makes it pleural in other words another another.

Well you talked about a bunch of different things like a poison in your heart and beeing the keeper of Vehemence and stuff like that that I did not understand. :P

I think your rimes were good although there were a few that did not rime also more punctuation might help.

In words that I have not written I loved this poem.

Keep writing and you will improve.

May god be with you. ;)

~Jon~ :pirate3:




Clarity says...


Thanks.




"Honey."
— SirenCymbaline the Kiwi