Young Writers Society

Hi, Sparkle here to review this for you!

First off, I agree with Hannah that bitterness is a very interesting and unexplored emotion. I think you did a good job portraying the strength of emotion in this poem. Also, excellent use of vocabulary! Cascading, bane, demode, destitute, and vehemence are all wonderful words that convey specific emotions much better than words like sad or lonely.

I also liked that you didn't come right out and say that you were writing about being bitter or being hurt. You showed these things to the reader instead of just telling them, so to speak.

I agree with the former reviewers that this poem would have flowed batter with less line breaks. To mean a line break represents a transition into a new idea, not just an extra space.

I really liked the line

"Deliverance is destitute,"

But I wish you had gone into more detail about what you meant. It made me curious and I found myself wishing I knew what you meant by it more.

This is a really good start. Keep writing!

Bonjour, Clarity~

You have a creative way of portraying what I assume is a feeling. It brings to mind something halting, chilling, and dangerous, which I like, because mastering vivid poetic imagery is a skill that will take you to high places in life.

However, I got the feeling that the same idea was being repeated throughout the poem and it kind of grew monotonous! I say this because each stanza struck me the same way, with an assortment of absence, chilliness, and venom.

One deadly poison
freely cascading
through my veins.

Deliverance is destitue,
once beyond said
bounds

Ooh, I like this exploration of bitterness. For such a powerful emotion that we feel so often, it's too frequently written off as pathetic and petty. Here, you've discovered the strength and venom that lies beneath it. Nice job.

Be careful with the way you phrase your sentences, though! I would suggest taking all the line breaks out of this poem and reading it as prose just once through. Not only will this help you clean up some of the small punctuation errors you have when you treat the words as prose, but you might discover some of the awkward word patterns, too.

For example, I had a problem with this:

towards thy
plague of
anothers heart.

Ollo, I am here to write a review . I hope it helps.

Well I would stick some of these together and make the lines a little bit longer.

towards thy
plague of
anothers heart.