Published June 29, 2013
Is it my fault?
The Person I ignore
loves me more,
The preson I love
ignores me for sure.
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Canary word: Present
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137,660 Literary Works • 672,057 Reviews
Oh, my gosh. This is a problem for lucky people, but it can also be a very helpful situation. I like that you put it forward pretty bluntly. You just said,
Right away, we've got the situation and we're ready to listen to whatever else the speaker has to say.
The problem is that I don't believe or like this train of thought. If this person understands that they JUST DON'T like the person back who likes them, why can't they also understand that the person they like JUST DOESN'T like them back? And in this way, can't all the pain or guilt of the situation just go away?
In fact, even if you don't change the entire message of the poem, I'd like to see this: where does the guilt come from? This poem is very general, and in a way that works, but loves and relationships tend to follow similar patterns, which can leave you with a poem anyone could write. If, however, you explore the specifics of this love triangle, you might find vivid and clear examples to replace the vagueness and connect more with your audience.
Bringing in examples would also help you to discover more opportunities for imagery. Imagery is like an anchor for the reader. If you give them a flash of a physical image, they will hold on to that while you wander out among the philosophy of your poem. You have to refresh their anchor every so often so they don't get lost in the weight of your thoughts. I'd like to see more imagery here!
Please PM me if you have any questions or comments about my review, okay?
Good luck and keep writing!
Hallo!
I like the idea behind this poem. The writing suggests a lot more to this story that I can only wonder about, having to do with the narrator's sadness and the interactions between people. One thing I noticed is that there is obviously a lot of emotion present here felt by the narrator, but the poem doesn't do that well of a job at conveying that emotion. The language isn't particularly powerful, and doesn't really do much to get the reader to empathize with the narrator, to feel what they are feeling. I would suggest that in order to fix this you should try using more metaphors and similes in your descriptions instead of just simply stating the feelings. Emotions, especially ones like heartbreak, guilt, and regret, which all seem to play a part in the poem, all have a lot of potential for interesting description. Perhaps try adding more of that, and see where the poem ends up!
-Wherethewindgoes
Hey Luckypearl,
This is a short poem that seems to describe a speaker who is caught in a love triangle, and all of the complex hardships that the particular situation brings.
One thing that I would suggest doing would be to go back through some of these lines and try to describe the emotion without using rhetorical questions, so for example: Did I love the wrong person? can be re-written as: Perhaps, I loved a deadbeat doll -- something to give a more authoritative voice to the piece, while also evoking imagery. I would also go back and check on some of the grammar and lines, as there seems to be some missing words and some of the phrasings are bit awkward. For example:
Your title too -- it seems to be that it's missing a 'the' between love and right.
Hopefully this helps you some! Let me know if you have any questions or concerns and you wish to chat this one up.
~ as always, Audy
Wow, this is just great. I really liked it. There is no huge mistakes as far am concerned. It is also ryhming with good selection of words. Your feelings is easily and beautifully understood. You need to work on your caps. I like the way you have end the poem with the title as of for a new beginning. I loved it. keep writing. Looking forward for your other work.Good luck. All the best.