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Young Writers Society



Cat and Wine [Chapter 1]

by PumpkinCat


The iron door closed with a bang, as I was pushed through at the last moment. And as the bang slowly resounded around my new found cell the sounds of locks and gears could be heard from inside the door all being controlled by the puppet master guard. The guard then slid the door’s peep hole open and all I could see were his eyes.

“You killed them, my family…” I tried to say without whimpering as the guard looked down on me with a fierce glare while holding a torch close to his eyes so he could see in.

“I did it because of your crimes. If you hadn’t committed your sins then you wouldn’t be here but it’s a bit too late for that,” replied the guard without a hint of caring in his voice. He muttered a few words then said, “Your crime is a game changer you know that right? Everyone knows that you killed the queen,” he spat. “And if you say otherwise that you didn’t it’s a load of codswallop.”

The guard shut the window and walked off with his wet boots resounding down the hallway. I, a royal guard dog entrusted with the protection of the queen and all of her people, am accused of her murder! I am accused of the queen’s murder, a crime against her people! I, a royal guard am now falsely accused and am now treated like a low life hanging in the Courtmeiner Prison! With all these thoughts looming above me, I simply drifted off to sleep.

I awoke to the smell of burning timber and thought I was at my home lying asleep on the rugs of the parlor. But as I came to my senses, I realized that I heard wooden beams and trusses falling to the ground with an earth shattering crack. I started to panic; I could hear screams resounding up and down and all around the hallways and my cell. I realized my cell door is still locked and that there is no one coming to get me because of my false crime.

“Then I am to die in the fire alone with my thoughts,” I said to myself aloud.

Suddenly time abruptly stopped and my motions went slower. I felt relaxed as the cell door opened and a man with a black tailcoat entered the room.

“To die is a certainty but to die in the fire is a choice,” said the stranger who was now hovering over me.

“What do you mean,” I asked half-heartedly, doubting that I would be saved.

“I mean, I’m giving you a choice, and that choice is this. You can either be consumed by the raging fire, be burnt to a crisp, or you can make a contract with me and gain unbelievable power,” the stranger replied slyly.

His voice was soothing in a demonic way and it made me fearful of the man I saw in front of me. His features were masculine. He looked like he could flip a building and knock a couple of heads together without breaking a sweat, but he was also pale with red eyes that could look into the depths of your soul.

“I’m-m-m sorry sir. I don’t have any money; all I have is my soul and thoughts. Also my body if that means anything, if you’re lonely that is,” I replied croaking from thirst.

“I do not require your money or your thoughts or your body, but your soul is very valuable to me.”

“You can’t collect a soul. No one can except for in children stories,” I said getting up slowly.

“Oh, I assure you this is not a mere children’s story. It is much, much, more than that. I am a demon if you haven’t already figured it out. Look around you everything is slowed, your movements are sluggish. Only a demon of immense power can do that. So now answer me! Do you want to make a contract? If you do all you have to do is give me your soul and the souls of those you slay in exchange.”

“Why me,” I asked, looking down not wanting to see the demon’s eyes.

“You seek revenge. You want to find the actual murderer of the queen. I know that you did not kill her. Revenge is a lot better than dying. Now do you accept,” he asked putting his hand out to me.

“Alright what do I have to lose,” I said accepting his hand and shaking it.

“Good. Now I will give you my mark.”

I cried out in pain and agony as black lines started to appear on my right hand. It began to form into a cat around a wine bottle.

“Consider it a gift and remember if anyone is looking to trade their soul send them to me Bartleby Domeicus.” And with that he waved his hands over my eyes and I instantly fell unconscious, unaware of my placement in a sewer.

I awoke feeling heavier than ever realizing it wasn’t my weight. Instead of looking down to see the rags of a prisoner, I saw a fine black tailcoat trimmed with white lining and white gloves. I instantly tore the right one off to see if all this was real and there it was Bartleby’s mark. I looked around in my pockets and found a considerable amount of ammo balls and a map along with a book of How to Control your Newfound Powers for Beginner Demons, inscribed on the cover. I looked at my waist and found a silver flintlock with a gold latch to arm it. I also found an odd blade that had a hilt that formed a circle, with a cat and wine bottle in the center, then it continued upwards to a straight blade.

“Bartleby makes sure his clients have suitable arms, “I thought to myself.

I looked at where I was and I found I was in a sewer with two cobble pathways on the side and running water down the middle. The only light was coming from the iron bar windows up top and even then it was hard to see as the sun wasn’t shining. It was all gray light from the cloudy sky. The sewer was about 9 feet high and 20 feet wide. I kept on walking throughout the sewers forking here and there. I kept trudging along for 5 hours not finding any exit and then realized that I was not getting hungry or weary at all. I guess this power does have some effect there too. I then heard a guttural scream echoing down from a tunnel to my left. I could see a torch reflecting light off the wall down there and I could see a woman dying with her bones all but falling out of her failing body. Blood was splattered everywhere. I loaded my flintlock instantly and waited there frozen to the spot waiting for whatever was around the corner. Then my mark glowed bright and without my will I put my right hand to the woman’s bosom and my hand went ghostly and picked up a small misty green glowing object from within her and then without my will and my intentions, my right hand forcefully fed the green object into my mouth. Somehow it was pleasurable and delightful to eat the green object and my first guess was that it was a soul. I was assured it was when a deformed mass of muscle came into my view.

“THAT’S MY SOUL!!! I KILLED HER FAIR AND SQUARE AND YOU LOAD OF CODSWALLOP COME UP AND BLOODY STEAL MY SOUL, MY DINNER, YOU’RE GOING TO PAYYYYYYY,” He yelled furiously and then charged at me.

I barely had time to move. He crashed me into the wall and the wall broke on impact. It brought us into a warehouse. My body tensed and my attacker was glowing red 5 feet away from me. He tore off his tattered blue shirt. Underneath he wore an even more tattered white shirt that was stained with the blood of the woman and the odd rib here and there on his pants. He yelled again then charged even faster. This time my mark glowed as I pulled out my flintlock in the nick of time and shot my attacker dead center in the eyes.

“No...I…I,” and the attacker lay dead and my right hand then moved again against my will and pulled not one soul out but hundreds.

I regained control and then still cuffing the souls in my hand found a pouch to put them in and strapped them to my side. They might come in handy later on I thought to myself as I strolled out of the warehouse doors mixing in with the crowd.


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Thu Aug 08, 2013 1:21 am
Hannah wrote a review...



I'm here once again for your second make-up review! So let's get to it, shall we?

Here are some comments I have as I read through once:

I realized my cell door is still locked and that there is no one coming to get me because of my false crime.

“Then I am to die in the fire alone with my thoughts,” I said to myself aloud.


I'm not quite sure I'd believe someone would say that when faced with a fire and impending death. Does he really give up that easily? Even in a prison cell, I think the prisoner would look for some weakness or hidden way out instead of just saying, "Guess that's it." haha.

I love that the demon has this whole situation set up like a business -- how the man wakes up with clothing and supplies, all ready to go. It shows the demon's not just collecting souls, but trying to build some kind of empire and putting in quality to get out more quality to his own end. I like that shrewdness, because it doesn't even look like kindness, but it's definitely appreciated by the unlucky clients.

YOU LOAD OF CODSWALLOP


I love this moment where we get other demons in on the conflict. Usually, I've read stories focused only on this one person turned into a demon, but being able to see the demon community brings up lots of possibilities of conflict, like this fight over a soul, BUT! Codswallop means like nonsensical talk. Like if someone says something you think is completely ridiculous, you can call it codswallop. I'm not sure you can use it as a personal insult. Haha.

Okay, so, after getting through this once, I want to repeat that I like the twist this story has. You have built a whole community of demons, like a second world behind the regular world, and I think as you continue describing the rules and customs and conflicts in this community, you'll keep finding interesting material.

There are also weaknesses, of course. One of the most obvious is in this section:

“You can’t collect a soul. No one can except for in children stories,” I said getting up slowly.

“Oh, I assure you this is not a mere children’s story. It is much, much, more than that. I am a demon if you haven’t already figured it out. Look around you everything is slowed, your movements are sluggish. Only a demon of immense power can do that.


Yes, you have to get a lot of basic information across to introduce the rules and standards of your new world, BUT having the characters just flat out explain it for you is not really believable. How often do you say to your friends, "You can't fly. No human can fly except for in children stories." Or "Look around you. I tried some of everything. Only a human with a great love of food can do that." We don't describe things in this way, so when you do that in your story, it breaks the illusion of reality that you're building and your readers start losing interest. D:

Luckily, that's an easy fix. Just be a bit more subtle with your information. Trust your readers to be smart. We'll know that only a powerful demon can slow time when we see later that this new demon can't. We'll know that this guy is a demon and has turned this character into a demon when we later see the character take the soul out of the woman. You don't even have to declare these things because you already show them later! We can figure this out on our own~

So yay! I hope you keep working on this story! PM me if you have any questions or comments about my review and when you put up the next installment.
Good luck and keep writing!




PumpkinCat says...


Thanks for the review and I haven't really had any Ideas for the book but your idea of the demon community really got me thinking and I'm working on another chapter Thanks!



Hannah says...


Oh, awesome! Well, if you end up posting another chapter, PM me and I'll check it out. :)



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Sun Jun 30, 2013 6:03 am
KittyCatMeow wrote a review...



Well, overall, it's a pretty good story although it's just my opinion.

We also don't know what our character really is like so explaining would certainly help. For example, you could say something like, "I flicked my aqua blue eyes open as I got up, the bright rays of the sun finding its way through the window." That way you can get a good image of the character partially. Then you might say something like, "My scarlet hair was in a complete mess when I got up, stretching my legs and arms to get a good feel of the day." Giving the reader a vision of the scene helps a lot, for me at least.

The plot is good and the death of a queen is quite the shocker however it gives a decent idea of what is happening in the story quickly.

The idea of a cat and a wine is interesting but why that mix? Hopefully, this will be later explained in this story.

It did bother me a little that you used "load of codswallop" twice. It seems as though it is a phrase often used around those parts, both villain and the guard, which is kind of the villain as well, although the story doesn't take it that way. It just makes the story seem a little rather... not very creative maybe? Being repetitive doesn't help that much. That's all I'm trying to say.

Becoming a demon because of merely a mark? Or IS it just because of the mark? It just doesn't make much sense unless that Bartleby Domeicus is a very powerful demon. By the way, did the main character's personality change now that he could beat people senseless, no, beat people to their deaths? It seemed as though she/he suddenly stopped being merciful. Then again, we're talking about suddenly turning into a demon that can hardly control itself.

Then there's the sewer. How did a woman randomly end up in the sewer? Then, how do you end up in a warehouse exactly when the sewer is supposed to be underground? Unless our protagonist here was attack upwards, it would mean that it was an underground warehouse. Then, suddenly there's a crowd after walking out the warehouse doors doesn't make much sense either. If this is an underground warehouse, then how can there be a crowd? Things just don't add up logically.

That just about covers everything I wanted to talk about! It's a great story really and I just wanted to say a few things because I enjoyed reading this! Improvement is a great thing you know but you don't have to do anything with my review.




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 5:59 am
Dreamy wrote a review...



This is a good work. I liked it.The feelings of the characters are said in a very beautiful manner, I almost visualised the scenes in my head.What I felt absured is that the hero (I assume) says that he doesn't have anything but his soul, life and body. It is like listing what he got rather than speaking in defect or in agony. The guy has lost his family and has been accused for false crime, so when someone asks him what he got, he could have said nothing. And the demon should say"Nothing?, You got soul" or something like that. Try to change that scene. An the fight that happens in the sewer could have been more descriptive. But this is really a good work. Keep writing. Good luck. All the best.:)




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 2:36 am
Paracosm wrote a review...



Hey PumpkinCat! If you can write poetry, prose isn't going to be too much of a problem for you. The hardest part about prose is powering through the shear bulk of it compared to poetry. At least, that seems to be the case for me. A lot of poets also do well with their descriptions and inserting philosophy and emotion into their stories.

To me, this doesn't feel like a logical place to start your story. The queens death seems to be the major event that springs things in to action, so you might want to back track some. This beginning is a bit too jarring, and it doesn't give the reader time to adjust to the setting. While it is an exciting start, it feels like culture shock.

You do have an interesting premise! I like the idea for a middle-aged sort of design for the marking the demon placed on her. I also suspect the demon chose her for a little more than revenge. I would like to see a more vivid description of the souls they found. All we know about them is that they are green. You also run into some problems with run on sentences, keep an eye out for those sneaky suckers.

Well, keep writing, Pumpkin! You have an awesome premise. Just work on your world building some, and you'll have a great fantasy. Keep up the good work!





"It's not nice to roast people when they're out of comebacks."
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