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Eternity

by Nightlyowl


In darkness, black as ebony skies,
The Fated, cursed, do slowly rise.
And in the dark,  when No One’s looking –
Breath will halt until they’re choking.
Mangled bodies, suffer still –
Living for the Final kill.
Hear their screams upon the wind –
Do not pity those who sinned.
Let them sing their Fated songs –
It’s a curse, for all their wrongs.
Always Living – always dead –
Never living – never Dead –


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Sun Jul 28, 2013 9:18 pm
ArcticMonkey wrote a review...



Hiya Nightlyowl! Here to review~

My first impression when I read this was that I thought there was some fantastic imagery, it really helped paint a picture. Although the picture in my head was not of zombies, I thought of something more beautiful and to me zombies just seem gruesome. Either way though, good descriptions, and even if I didn't actually fully understand what you were reviewing, it still put a picture in my head.

I think my main critique here is the rhyming. I don't think it was necessarily needed here, and it kind of distracted from the beautiful imagery you've created. I'm quite new to the whole poetry thing, and for ages I only really liked poems that rhymed and I didn't quite 'get' other poems, but now I'm finally seeing it, and rhyming really isn't necessary. Sometimes, it didn't even rhyme properly.

And in the dark, when No One’s looking –
Breath will halt until they’re choking.7

See rhyming is hard and just seems like extra effort that you didn't need to put in!

The other thing I wanted to mention is the punctuation. Using loads of dashes is like using loads of commas, or full stops, or semi-colons. They're not really any more interesting. I, especially in prose, loves using dashes but still, it gets a bit boring. I think in most cases repetition of stuff can get tedious, even of words unless it's something that was definitely intentional. So I think this piece would look even better if you varied the punctuation a little bit!

Anyways, this was a really cool poem with some lovely imagery. My main critique is just don't be afraid to get away from the rhyming! I've found that rhyming most works with lyrics because a melody has to be added and all that stuff, but with poetry, it isn't actually needed to flow well, so next time don't feel forced to add in rhymes. Anyways, I hope this review helped, feel free to PM me with any questions you have or if you'd like another review.

Just keep writing!
-Arc x




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 4:19 pm
Jonathan wrote a review...



Hello Night. Jordin here with a review. I hope it helps you out.

Well the secound to last line made no sense I would try to re write it or just cut it all of the way out other wise...


Also all of these "------" are getting really annoying I would replace them with commas.

And less periods more Commas.

black as ebony skies,
This would sound better as "Black as ebony" because the sky is never Ebony colored.

In other words I loved it.

You had some kind of point or plot but I am not entirely sure what you are trying to say.

Keep writing remember practice make perfect. (Don't we all want perfection.)

May god be with you.

~Jon~ :pirate3:




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 4:02 am
SecreteJournalist wrote a review...



Love the profile picture, I used to have that as a profile pic on a different site xD I'm secretejournalist, but feel free to call me Brie! I follow anyone I review, so consider yourself followed.

On to the review..

The dashes, what are they there for? They bug me .. like.. a lot! I am sure you know how to fix the format though (: I guess I will critique what I have to work with.

First off, besides formatting, I see 5 sentences, but a whole lot more capitalization. It will be easier to spot once you take out those pesky dashes.

Second off, what I am supposing is the last sentence, is pretty confusing "Always Living, always dead, never living, never dead. " It kinda ruins the nice ring the rest of the poem has.

Third off, (is that correct grammar? ... oh well!) , I would like to see more descriptive and imagery into the poem. Like why is no one looking? Why is the breath halting. Explain yourself through description and imagery .

But overall, this poem has a lot of potential, and it is your mission to let it shine! Great job overall, and a good title. You managed to take a gross, scary thing, and put it to something wonderfully awesome and elegant. Please keep writing. Pretty please! I promise I will keep reading *pink promises*

~SecreteJournalist




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 3:48 am
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi nightlyowl! Way to steal my name :P Haha just kidding! But anyway, niteowl here from Team Dreamwave to get this out of the Green Room.

Overall, I love this. It just sounds so awesome read out loud. The rhyming works very well too. In fact, I'm finding this hard to critique. Just a couple things.

I didn't get the dashes either. They seem to break up lines that read out loud sound much better without a pause. Obviously poets can play with grammar and such but I agree with malinda that more conventional punctuation would suit the piece better.

Second comment-why did you capitalize No One and Final? Fated, I understand, as you're naming a group. But I don't see the need to emphasize these words.

Overall, lovely piece, just some nitpicks. Great job and keep writing!




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Sun Jun 30, 2013 2:16 am
malinda542 wrote a review...



I love the flow of this and the sing-song quality of the poem. You have managed to take a topic that has in my mind become cliché and kind of cheesy (when I think of zombies I mostly think of nasty horror films- I'm not a zombie fan) and turn it into something elegant which is difficult to do. The rhyming really helps set the tone for the poem and the story you are trying tell.

If I was going to critique anything it would be the format, I don't understand the dashes, it kind of made the poem a little difficult to read. I feel maybe commas would have been more effective to separate the phrases and the words.





“Isn't it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?”
— L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables