Deaths Angel: The Reunion - Prologue

Hello there ! A Boy from the future is here to review your work...
So, Other reviewers have done a great job and grammatical analysis has been done as I can see. I'd hence focus more on plot and characterization.

1.) Plot : - The plot seems to be really interesting. I like it really. Ah one mistake you made grammatically here

Many suitors were dashing up to her asking for one dance but she stared onlyat him

here only and at should be at some distance.

Anyway no more grammatical mistakes as said earlier. The plot jumps from one scene to another very quickly so you need some transition elements so that two scenes can blend with each other. In other words, if we see at the first para we see that the protagonist is in her house but suddenly the scene moves to the ball. Personally I think there is something missing.I hope you understand what I mean.

Other than that everything seems to be almost perfect.

2.) Characterisation :- You've described the protagonist very nicely.I like the way you've described everything about her.It would be great If you describe more about the other characters but considering the fact that this is Prologue, it is okay.

Overall, This is awesome and keep up the good work.
All the Best
Keep Writing
-gauravkundu32-

Salutations.

I think this prologue does a very good job of hooking the reader and making them want to read on. However, there are a few things I would suggest that might improve the piece.

Firstly, pacing. The pacing here is way too fast; the story jumps from one thing to another without going anywhere in between. For instance, between the second and third paragraphs:

"Maid! I must have the most gorgeous dress at the ball! FIND OUT WHAT ALL THE GIRLS ARE WEARING SO I CAN LOOK PRETTIER! I MUST LOOK SO MUCH FUCKING BETTER THAN EVERYONE!" Ophelia screamed.

"Yes madam." and with a curtsy, the maid turned and obeyed what she was told to do.

Later, at the ball, Lord Flint was standing with Madam Moonstone when, suddenly, the music stopped.

Here there's a two-sentence scene, and then it just skips to the ball. I would suggest either making the first scene, where she chooses a dress, longer, or putting something in between, like describing her going to the ball in a carriage or something. The best option might just be to cut out the first scene entirely and begin with the ball and then her entrance. But that's your choice.

Do you understand what I mean about pacing, though? You jump around really quickly between things; it's just one thing happening after another. Another example would be

He led her to the centre of the room just as the music started again. They danced until the end of the song and then went out to the garden.

See? The song goes by in half of a sentence and then they're suddenly out in the garden. Slow down the story, give the readers more time to see what's going on. Which kind of leads into my next point, which is

Description

One thing that could help the pacing is if you actually described the scene. Readers want to be able to feel as if they are in the story, they want to be able to place themselves in the middle of the scene. And the way to allow them to do that is description. You need to describe the characters' surroundings, the sights, sounds, smells, everything. Of course it's possible to have too much description, but here you need a lot more.

Some other things:

"Yes madam." and with a curtsy, the maid turned and obeyed what she was told to do.

Firstly, I would cut out "and" and then capitalize "with" in order to be grammatically correct. Also, the second half of this sentence is a bit redundant, I think. Perhaps just "the maid turn and left the room."

Everyone gasped at her beauty.

I would suggest just saying "everyone gasped". Readers can infer that it is from her beauty, and it's more on the side of showing rather than telling.

Her long skinny red dress, long red gloves, ruby shoes, ruby earrings and tiara, long straight snow white hair, pale tanned skin and finally, her angel like face.

This isn't really a sentence; there's no verb here. Perhaps "She wore a skinny red dress..."

Also, these are descriptions, but I don't really think they help much. All you describe is the color and/or length of each thing in the list. Break this up into multiple sentences and describe each thing in more detail. If you want to put an image of how beautiful she looks in the readers' mind, you have to describe it in more detail. Perhaps talk about how small flowers were sewn into the dress, or how it sparkled when it caught the light, or something other than just that it was long, skinny, and red, especially when most of her clothing is the same color.

Opal coloured eyes that seemed as if they changed colour in the light, crimson red lips that seemed as if they were always laughing at people and the way her hair framed her face.

This is also not a sentence. Perhaps something like "She had opal-coloured eyes...and crimson red lips..., and her hair perfectly framed her face." Also, in the first part of the sentence you repeat "color" twice. In order to make the narrative flow better, try to use different words, or just phrase it differently; perhaps "Her eyes looked liked opals, and they seemed to change colour in the light". Also, saying lips "seemed like they were laughing at people" isn't really the best way to describe them. Perhaps "...crimson red lips that were always subtly curved in a way that looked like she was laughing at everyone." Or something like that.

She was breath taking.

"Breathtaking" is one word.

Lord Flint looked at her in awe.

Is "looked" really the best way you can describe it? Perhaps "stared" or "gazed" or something that better shows his awe.

Many suitors were dashing up to her asking for one dance but she stared at him only.

This is another example of pacing; here you jumped right to the suitors dashing up. If there isn't going to be anything in between, at least say something like "Immediately suitors began to run forward, asking for a dance..." This would be better with some sort of transition there.

She stared right at Lord Flint.

Uh...you just said that.

"Of course." she replied, accepting, her voice like crystals on a chime being blown in the wind.

The period after "course" should be a comma. Also, "accepting" isn't necessary here; readers understand that "of course" means she is accepting, so the redundancy just clogs up the narrative. Also, "her voice like crystals on a chime being blown in the wind" is excessively wordy; how about "her voice like crystals on a wind chime"?

He led her to the centre of the room just as the music started again. They danced until the end of the song and then went out to the garden.

"Do I know you?" Ophelia asked, once they were in the centre of a hedge maze.

Instead of just saying they went into the garden and then were in a hedge maze, why not describe what the garden is like? Describe the bright-colored flowers on the hedges, drops of water glinting on their petals; the smells of flowers in bloom and of wet leaves; the trill of birds in the trees high above; the rustling of leaves in the slight breeze; the chill of the wind on their shoulders. All of these things contribute to the readers' understanding of the scene and allow the reader to better imagine themselves as in the same place as the characters.

"I believe we should know each other. For I feel as if I have known you all my life." he answered.

The period at the end of the dialogue should be a comma.

Suddenly there was a massive BANG in the background.

Is "a massive BANG" really the best way to describe this? I don't know what the source of the sound was, so I can't say for sure what it would sound like, but maybe "a sharp crack like exploding gunpowder cut through the silence, followed by a loud crash." Or something.

Also, all-caps should rarely, really never, be used in a novel like this.

"I'll see what that was." Lord Flint whispered to Ophelia.

The period after "was" should be a comma. Also, why is he whispering?

"Do hurry back." she whispered back, fear filled her voice.

Once again, why are they whispering? Also once again, the period at the end of the dialogue should be a comma.

Also, the dialogue tag here is a comma splice. (Here is a good Knowledge Base article about them.) The comma should be a period or semi-colon, or the second part of the sentence could just be "her voice full of fear".

Just as he turned to search for the source of the noise, she kissed him. When they parted he said he would be back but little did they both know that Ophelia would never see another day again in this life.

That last part is a bit wordy. Maybe "But little did they know that Ophelia would never see another day."

Also, I don't really like things like this because I feel it's kind of...cheap. I don't know. That's just personal preference, though.

So. You seem to have a little trouble with dialogue punctuation. Here is a good article about that.

All in all, this chapter was a good hook for the story, and made me want to read on, but the pacing could be slowed down, more description could be added, and some extra wording could be cut.

If you have any questions about the review, feel free to ask.

Valedictions,

Wherethewindgoes