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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Hi Jessa.
As I've let you know before I'm a huge fan of your poetry; the rhythm and flow is breath-taking, and the wording is excellent, I also like your descriptions and how much emotion you put into this. However, I have a little problem with it~ in the second last stanza I feel like I get slapped with a fish every time I read it, and that is because the word "immersed" interrups the beautiful monotony that a poem's flow should have. I don't think the words "tightly" and "immersed" get along in those two lines, and to be honest, I don't think the word "immersed" is the best one for the occasion anyway. So, basically, the only thing I'm suggesting you is to find a better word; one that doesn't pinch the reader while he dreams.
Other than that, I honestly think you are a fantastic truly talented writer.
~GeeLyria
Hey there, Jessa, June here,
I'm a huge fan of narrative poetry, but I don't know what to take away from this poem. I'm going to jump the gun here and say that your rhyme in this poem is your downfall, because it's limiting your ability to actually tell us this story in a way that is both creative and interesting.
What do I mean? Well, you have a scary setting here, and there's a chance these two people are go kaboom and die. There's no feeling of severity about this poem, there's nothing that makes us want to save them or want to keep reading the poem because they feel awfully relaxed about the whole thing. You can remedy this by adding more descriptiveness to the thing by adding crucial detail-- use words that suggest danger, teetering, threatening, leering, etc.
The resolution of the poem is kind of... well, flat. I want to feel like I'm part of the danger, like my life is being threatened when I read this. Bring it to life! use vivid images and symbolism to make us want to keep reading.
Happy review day,
June
This is a really original idea! I like the imagery that you have used. I would have liked to have delved deeper into what the husband and wife would have been feeling in this moment of panic.
I really thought they were going to die lol. But I suppose we don't actually know if they survived? Was this your purpose all along...to keep us guessing?
Overall - I think it was an unique idea with clear and precise descriptions. Good job!
I look forward to reading some more of your work.
Hallo!
I like the idea behind the poem, and it was very well-done. A few thoughts:
I feel as if you could have described this storm better. There is so much potential within storms in terms of imagery, and that's one of the key parts of a poem, but you don't really have it here. Perhaps add some metaphors or similes to enhance the descriptions and evoke more emotion in the readers.
I don't think "denied" is the right word here, and it sounds as if you just included it to make the stanza rhyme. Denied means to refuse to admit the truth of something, so you could deny the existence of the storm, but you can't really deny what the television said here.
This is another place where I feel as if you bent the poem to fit the rhyme scheme. "Withstand" is a transitive verb, so it needs an object; you need to withstand something. Just saying "We withstood" isn't grammatically correct.
Here too. The word "immersed" is also a transitive verb, and it doesn't really make sense in this context. The debris and rubble immersed in what? Maybe the people were immersed in debris and rubble? I would suggest rewording that last line so it makes sense.
...I don't really understand why she knew they would survive. I guess because the storm must have passed by then? You might want to clarify.
All in all, I really don't have much to say about this. Besides a few misused words, this was really good and interesting.
Farewell,
_Wherethewindgoes
This poem is unusually good. A poem doesn't have to rhyme, but it usually sounds great when it isn't forced. I honestly thought they would die, but I suppose not.
I didn't really get "followed by the blast". That part didn't really go smooth. It sounded somewhat forced. I mean if the roof was torn away, it must be different from a bomb or such, but blast just didn't make much sense to me.
"From one hundred seventy-five" also doesn't sound smooth. I know you were looking for something to rhyme with "survive", but it makes it feel rather rough.
This was an amazing poem that gave me an ideal sense of what was happened as I pictured it in my mind.
Mmm. Great poem! Crazy how the end was a total contradiction. Almost instantly I though death would end them all. But they survive! A little disappointing to me but its your poem!
I like how you rhymed here. It takes decent talent which you obviously have. Great job, and keep up the good work!
~Dark
Great poem!
While reading the last part you just kind of expect that they would die but the exact opposite happens.
I guess that's how life goes, you expect things but they never happen.
Now I'm not saying this is what you are trying to say with the poem, this is my own interpretation.
I love your style in writing!
Hi there! barefootrunner here with a quick review!
Okay, so I see you have a bouncing rhyme scheme and a definite, clear theme. Let's take a look at what the rhyme scheme does for your poem.
Since the poem is quite simple and rhythmic, the rhymes don't result in a destructive pull of stress to each rhyming word, which causes readers to skim over the rest of the poem and concentrate solely on the end-words. It does however give an almost nursery-rhyme like tone to the poem, which you might consider avoiding by using loads of enjambment to hide them away slightly. The rhyme also sometimes rules you! It's like taking a dog for a walk and finding that the dog is actually walking you -- you use words that are perhaps only slightly out of context to fit the rhyme scheme, for example "denied", which you would not have used because it was the word you wanted, but because it fitted the rhyme scheme. I do like your rhyming of "worst" with "immersed", because it is more subtle than the full rhymes you used in other places, like "hand" and "withstand". "Immersed", however, is used slightly out of context again.
Look at the poem in its entirety -- it doesn't have many descriptive dimensions or complications -- it is simply a factual description of a tornado hit and the people's reaction. So try to make it more descriptive and punchy. Instead of just calling it a 'funnel', make something out of it -- it is after all the main character of the poem! You can try something like "a frightening funnel of force" which includes some alliteration for more punch, or a wider description that spans a few lines and includes a couple of poetic devices. You also need more depth in the description of the people's emotions. How do they feel when their home is destroyed? Tell us.
Try to incorporate some poetic devices like metaphors and similes to make it more poem-like and slightly more abstract. Check it out, see if it benefits the poem and delete if it doesn't.
So, great job and keep writing!
barefootrunner
I think you did a great job! There's a lot of imagery in this, which I love because it really helps the reader imagine what is occurring. Awesome job
It's great.