Young Writers Society

Hey Claire, June here,

This reads to me as more of a prose-like letter than a poem. I don't say this because of the chunk of writing as opposed to stanzas and line breaks galore, but because your thoughts connect to one another the way you would address a person.

As a general rule, spell check is always a good idea. I won't waste time dwelling on pointing out every spot where your spelling left something to be corrected, but always, always, always proofread. If you don't have a word processor with a spell check, I recommend google docs-- it's free and it's accurate, and will also help you maintain proper punctuation.

I tell people who write about love to always, always, always make their stories and poetry unique to themselves to hold the readers interest. You have the buds of doing that here-- with the adorable-after-shower image and the smell of cologne. Your next step is to illustrate these, give us a little more detail-- what is it you love about post-shower individual, and what does his cologne smell of?

Keep writing,

June

you should keep writing your amazing keep it up and dont let anyone tell you otherwise!! love it.

Hi, ClaireAura!

This is great, very emotional. My favorite line is "I miss talking to you because when I did I'd watch the world around me in slow motion." I can relate, in a non-romantic way. Talking to certain people did that to me, too.

Onto a reviewing point of view, though.

It definitely would help if you formatted this into stanzas. It makes it easier to read and easier to tell it's poetry and not a super short narrative. Also, when you do, know that your punctuation is a stylistic choice. You don't have to add a comma or semicolon or period at the end of each line, but just the ones that make sense to include. In the end, yes, it's up to you; but you also have to keep in mind the clarity of the writing for the audience.

Because this isn't in stanzas, I can't critique much more about it--not that there is much--in terms of poetry. There are a few lines that, when Gabriellemarice99 separated it out, seemed much longer and much more off rhythm than others; but I don't know if that would be the same way you would separate it. All I can say is that you should read your work aloud after you're finished. It'll give you a sense to how well it flows together, if there are any awkward/loose phrasings or off lines.

Other than that, this is great. I hope this helps and I will be expecting to see more from you.

Keep writing!
~ Rocky

Beautiful poem! I really enjoyed what you have written here. Is this poem based on personal experiences?

People are meant to leave. Sometimes, they are not as serious about us as we are about them. We cant die, it may seem the world is drifting apart because that one person is not with her or because we dont have their shoulder to lean on. We are defined by how we cope and stand up. Falling dont mean that life is over, It means that we have been betrayed.
God works in mysterious ways and so someone else will come your way and stay forever.
The world is beautiful, you just have to smile and say, DAMN. I am awesome.

Some may say it's better when someone you once loved is moving far away,
But it sucks in reality.
Now I can't hope that maybe I'll bump into you at work or some place else
And it saddens me.
I really shouldn't care but I was serious about you,
I was so happy with you.

It hasn't been easy getting over you, because there's always a joke or a scene on t.v.
That reminds me of you.
I probably won't see you ever again
And it kills me.
Maybe we weren't meant
To be;

I will however, wonder
What could have been.
You're the only guy who can make me heart beat faster and slower
At the same time.
I can recall every conversation we ever had and
I hate how well I can remember.

I could fall asleep in one of your hugs and
Its so hard to forget the moments.
I remember how sexy your cologne smells and how adorable you look
When you get out of the shower.
I want to be happy, I want the pain to stop but
Everyday just gets harder without you.

I wish I had the power within me to forget you but
I don't think I have that.
We made some pretty crazy plans,
Plans I'll never see happen.
I don't know if you'll see this because
I doubt you stalk my profile;

But yeah if you do I want you to know that I still
Love you.
I miss talking to you because when I did I'd watch the world around me in slow motion
As I grinned like a fool.
I feel like fate and reality teamed up
To play a cruel trick on me.

There's nothing I can do
To help the situation,
I try burying my head in books and friends
But nothing helps.
I envy all the adorable couples around me who have everything
I once had but don't have anymore.

I guess this is good bye, I'll love you
Long after you're gone.
Fly away sweetheart, you've got your dreams to follow and
You deserve so much.
I just hope you're happy; even though it wasn't long
I'm thankful for being let into your world.

(I separated it into stanzas this is just how I would do it to make it "true poetry" it is beautiful though and i can relate and that's good because you are appealing to an audience cant wait to read more from you!)

Hey Claire, I guess this seems more like a private message than a poem but I'll review it because it was posted as a poem, regardless. I think it'd be more poetic if you simply formatted it in some way breaking up the sentences into stanzas of similar length. Also in order for it to be more poem like, make sure each word is needed because the sentences seem a little repetitious in some places. It's very emotional, and the ending at least sounds sort of like a poem. Work on formatting, and good luck with your writing in the future!

~alliyah~