Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Fantasy

E - Everyone

Devil Touch - Prologue

by SushiSashimi333


Arisa, the fire dancer; Marya, the wind tamer; Avi, the earth shaker; Remy, the wave maker. Four children gifted with immortality and power over the four elements. Elementals, the people called them. Each hailed from an ancient civilization, unique in their own ways.

Mulciber, Anima, Terra, and Lympha, these were the villages that they called home. In a single night they all disappeared. No one knew why or where they went, but they did know one thing. They weren't coming back.

Lilith flexed her muscles, checking to see how compatible her new body was. It responded just like any other. It wasn't bad and it wasn't good, it would have to do. It was time to begin...


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
118 Reviews


Points: 629
Reviews: 118

Donate
Tue Feb 03, 2015 9:07 pm
IceWinifredd wrote a review...



Whooooa. Very interesting start! I like it a lot though I believe it's the writing itself that prevented me from fully getting into the story. For starters, I felt like your wording you match the atmosphere of your story. This prologue has a very mystical and supernatural feel to it so I would suggest that you write this in a way that doesn't sound so modern or associated with nowadays. Other than that, I enjoyed reading this and I can't wait to read more of this! You're sparked my interest! Nice job! -IceWinifredd






Actually, I redid this chapter if you look in my portfolio you'll see the new version. Hopefully you like that one better! :D



User avatar
73 Reviews


Points: 1442
Reviews: 73

Donate
Mon Mar 24, 2014 5:37 pm
Zontafer wrote a review...



Hello there, going to give you a short review as I promised! :)

First of all, even though this is very short, I got drawn in when I read about the Elementals. I love elementals, I kind of used them in my own prologue in the first two paragraphs.

The first things I thought about when I read about the children, was that this would be either a story where they have a quest, or that they have been ''kidnapped'' or have been forced to leave the place.

Either way the story goes, I think this is a nice and short prologue that has a great potential!

- Zontafer




User avatar
44 Reviews


Points: 1230
Reviews: 44

Donate
Wed Mar 05, 2014 6:35 pm
Dreamer84 wrote a review...



Hey Dreamer here for a review. At first I thought it was a little weird that you started off that way but it made me totally want to read more. Once I read the rest I was so not dissapointed. I think you have a wonderful idea going for you and I can't wait to read more. How did you come up with these names? They are so unique and personally I don't know how you could remember all of them. I'm wondering who is Lilith? I don't see her listed in the beginning. Good Job Good Luck and keep on writing can't wait to read more :)






Hey! So glad you loved the prologue :D There's a reason she's not in the beginning ;) I shan't say anymore though XD I'm warning you though, don't read the other chapters yet. I'm gonna do some major reconstruction with all of my chapters including this prologue, if you wanna know when the revised versions are out, feel free to ask ^^ Thanks again for the review!



User avatar
102 Reviews


Points: 796
Reviews: 102

Donate
Wed Mar 05, 2014 6:23 pm
TheShauzer wrote a review...



Hey Sushi, that's a damn good prologue. I'm sorry if my review is shorter than some of the monstrosities of things I see below :O but I'm working off a tablet...
To begin, I really liked the way you started. Giving each child titles, that was cool, you're already building a nice mysterious atmosphere. I do think you could have built upon that 'ancient civilization', because that's seriously class :) maybe you could have said 'Each hailed from an ancient civilization, they were unique in their own ways and revered by those who knew of them.' it didn't have to be big, I just felt like it was missing something.
I liked how you started the second paragraph, giving out another four names. It was sweet how you made the earth shaker's village Terra. kudos. Here I think you could have added in a bit too. Maybe 'No one knew why they went, they had no enemies. No one knows where they went, they simply vanished. But they did know one thing, the elemental were not coming back.' Just little things to make your prologue longer as well as spice it up a bit :D I like how you added Lilith in, I'm not going to delve into something unimportant about the name's background though, I'm a reviewer today, not a historian. But I like the way you added her in, out of the blue. Maybe you could have added something else too, some landscape, something. Like 'Deep in the bowels of an underground crypt a freshly dead body woke up. She rose to her feet noiselessly, careful not to wake the dead around her. As she stood in the dark, the smell of decomposing bodies filling her nostrils, she flexed her muscles, checking the compatibility of her new body. It responded just like any other. It wasn't bad and it wasn't good, it would have to do. Lilith smiled, it was time to begin...'
You don't have to take anything from that, I was just giving an example and got on a roll. Too much pride to delete it :D But you get my point, there's so much that could be added in, so much to give better imagery even in such a small paragraph. I also get the feeling Lilith and the elementals will have a 'confrontation' at some point and I really want to see that :D I'm guessing Lilith is powerful? Certainly powerful enough to spend a paragraph on right after the one on the elementals :O I'll try to read the rest when I get time, can't wait. In the mean time, your grammar was excellent, it sounds like a really good story and you're writing is great. It has a nice flow, just missing some depth, as I gave examples of above. Hope the review helped in some way, if I offended the story with my own ideas, my apologies :D
Keep writing,
Yours in ink,
TS.






XD I'm really glad you like it XD And I get what ya mean with pride :P Shhh, you're right O_O >.> <.< Don't tell anyone though XD I'm going through some major reconstruction with this prologue to make it better, I'll definitely take these into consideration. Thanks for the review ^^



TheShauzer says...


No problem :)



User avatar
29 Reviews


Points: 1504
Reviews: 29

Donate
Mon Dec 30, 2013 8:01 am
JayBlu wrote a review...



Lilith, the name of the Queen of Demons in certain mythology. Gotta say that rings perfect. Not sure if you knew that about the history behind the name Lilith, but eh whatever, now you do lol.

Anyways, the four elementals, if they aren't coming back, why not? Or rather where did they go? Most likely those two questions can't be answered, cuz I'm guessing the elementals might not have been character's that you wanted to talk about alot. Minor or passing characters or whatever people call them I forget.

Anyways good write, should be headed to the next chapters in a bit. It's damn 3:00 AM here.

Later.






I'm glad you like it, hope you get some sleep XD I should probably edit this a bit, and you just reminded me ^^ thanks :D



User avatar
613 Reviews


Points: 10450
Reviews: 613

Donate
Tue Sep 10, 2013 11:11 pm
Messenger says...



So, really mysterious beginning, I'll be moving onto chapter 1.




User avatar
42 Reviews


Points: 671
Reviews: 42

Donate
Mon Aug 26, 2013 6:38 pm
View Likes
LoveIsInTheAir wrote a review...



I am in love with the prologue. It has a mysterious sense to it, which being a teen I can say, attracts young readers from ages 10-27. It just seemed quite random to add Lillith at this point in the story. It also confused me how she corresponded with the passage in italics. So minus the confusion from where Lillith comes in the story, but it makes me want to read further in to the lives of the characters so props for that! You have some great potential and keep writing!






Hey! Thanks for the review. I have no idea why but my prologues always end up short because I always imagine them like a movie opening. I can try to fix this because a lot of people keep saying the same things, but I just can't imagine it any other way that wouldn't ruin the story or take away from the mystery. I shall try eventually though... maybe XD





Hah.. You should get the iMovie app, you can create movie trailers and I think you would love it! Your prologue is just fine! People just assess things differently, but if you like your prologue, go for it!





Oh, that sounds like a cool app. Sadly I have no "i" technology because my mom doesn't see the use in it and we don't understand all the deals and such. Plus then all these updates come out XD





Haha it's cool. Everyone at our school gets iPads so I have the app!





O_O I am so jelly right now!



User avatar
10 Reviews


Points: 573
Reviews: 10

Donate
Sun Aug 25, 2013 12:35 am
View Likes
StefanosVorkas wrote a review...



Hey there!

Alright, I'll make this short since it's a short prologue!

First of all, rather interesting in general, makes me want to know about them more, the fact that you put so little info makes me want to read to find out, only there's nothing else to read(here)

As someone mentioned before, the lack of description makes their disappearance a little dim, but I can guess that they will be important to the story.

I do agree however, that this seems more like something you would put in the back of a book, instead of an actual prologue

Off to read your first chapter :D






I would have to agree with you about the back of a book part. I have no idea why but this seems to always happen with my prologues XD. I shall try to change that in the future. Thank you for the review!



User avatar
370 Reviews


Points: 14732
Reviews: 370

Donate
Mon Aug 19, 2013 12:44 am
View Likes
tgirly wrote a review...



This prologue's very interesting and intriguing. However, it's a bit short and slightly confusing, maybe due to the shortness of it. It feels like three random paragraphs or a teaser you'd put on the front of a book instead of the beginning of a novel; but the paragraphs are very well-written and make me excited about reading this novel.
I don't understand how the villagers knew that the children weren't coming back. Had children went missing before? I might add a bit of detail there.
Of the four titles, 'fire dancer' and 'wind tamer' have the most imagery. I might suggest changing the other two to be more memorable, but it's just a suggestion.
Thanks for telling me about this; I can't wait to read the other chapters! Hope this review helped.
-tgirly






Yeah, you actually hit the nail on the head with this review. At first it was just a teaser but then I found myself getting sucked into my own story. I agree with the descriptions, I just seem to be lacking creativity that rhymes :/. Thank you very much for the review!



User avatar
254 Reviews


Points: 11396
Reviews: 254

Donate
Mon Jul 22, 2013 1:03 am
View Likes
Sonder wrote a review...



SUSHI!
GriffinClaw, here for a short review for a short piece.

First off, this is a great hook. It made me want to continue reading and find out more about these characters. Good job.
Onto the nitpicks.

Arisa, the fire dancer; Marya, the wind tamer; Avi, the earth shaker; Remy, the wave maker. In a single night they all disappeared. Four children gifted with immortality and power over the four elements. Elementals, the people called them. Each hailed from an ancient civilization, unique in their own ways.

Mulciber, Anima, Terra, Lympha, these were the villages that they called home. In a single night they all disappeared. No one knew why, or where they went, but they did know one thing, they weren't coming back.


In the first paragraph, I liked the way you changed the description words for the characters, the second word after the element, like "dancer", "tamer", etc. I thought that was creative, instead of simply stating that they controlled those elements. However, the element that goes with each name is all that I know about these characters. So when you say that they disappeared...well, what's it to me?
You may want to write more on the characters, a small visual, their traits, anything to add to the fact that they have powers.
Also, I felt like too many names were dropped on me at once. Maybe refer to them simply as four children, and list their powers, later giving them names. Same with the village names, you could say they hail from different civilizations, instead of listing them all right off the bat.
(However, I love the names of the kids as well as the villages. Good job :) )
One last thing about these paragraphs. A few too many commas. Perhaps replace a few with a period here and there.

Lilith flexed her muscles, checking to see how compatible her new body was. It responded just like a normal human body should. The body wasn't bad, but it wasn't the best either, it would have to do. It was time to begin...


I loved this. I have no idea who Lithe is, but I like her name and her attitude already. My only comment is that maybe you could find a synonym for the word, "body", because it sounded a bit strange to have it said twice in a row in the same paragraph.

This is a great start. I want to keep on reading. You got me hooked, which is exactly what a prologue is supposed to do. Congrats.

I was listening to epic dramatic music while reading this, and it just enhanced the experience!
(Thought you should know.... :D )

Keep writing and being awesome!

~GC






Yeah, I did drop a lot of info in this little bit didn't I? I guess I just didn't know what to do because you get to meet them later. I was thinking of adding descriptions but then again no one really knows what they looked like since it was all so long ago. I'll try editing and spreading things out a little more info wise. Thanks!



User avatar
192 Reviews


Points: 19207
Reviews: 192

Donate
Mon Jul 08, 2013 4:23 pm
View Likes
EloquentDragon wrote a review...



First of all... I am so terribly, terribly sorry that I didn't get this in to you sooner. I have been incredibly busy lately and was gone for a week. That's my bad. Please except this humble apology.

*Ahem*

Now then....

I tried to read through everyone else's reviews but honestly, there are so many of them! I don't know how you got this thing to be so popular but at any rate, my hat is off to you.

PROS

The concept of Lilith trading bodies and "trying out" her current/new one is quite an original concept. It's not something I've seen before, and I definitely think you could do a lot with this.

I was a bit confused with this though:

It responded just like a normal human body should.


Meaning... she isn't or wasn't human to start with? Has she inhabited other bodies before? Is that why she thought of it as a "normal human body?" This is just a bit unclear story-wise, perhaps consider revising.

CONS

The biggest thing I noticed, and I think others have commented on this, is the names. Have you heard of a certain writer's trope called name-dropping? It's where an author (typically of fantasy) inserts as many monikers of fantastical and often made up names of characters and locations in the first chapter as possible. (Or so it seems)

Now I don't want to seem harsh or anything here, but that is what you seem to be falling into here.

Why is this such a problem? Names of your own invention, in fact any name really, have no connection to the reader---the reader doesn't know them, nor do they care. While the names themselves might sound "cool," the reader isn't going to think of them that way until they can identify them/relate them to a specific character... someone they have connected to emotionally and can relate to. THAT is what makes them care. Just adding in these random names in the prologue isn't going to mean very much to your reader.

That being said, there is also the problem of the names bearing waaay too much resemblance to one another. As a general rule of thumb, you should have each of your main character's names start with a different letter. At the very least have a different amount of syllables. You don't see books out there with the antagonist named "Craig" and the double-agent spy guy named "Greg" for example. It can become confusing and, truthfully, it's just plain cheesy. "Arisa," "Arya," and "Avi"---I would suggest changing two of these so that they sound unique and different on their own. Maybe just add a letter to the front of them, e.g., Tarisa, Arya, and Oavi or something like that.

Back to the name thing, the location name-dropping here is actually quite unnecessary. Why would the reader care about where these peeps live when they don't even know who these characters are? Establish location in the story itself... don't just drop in the names in the first paragraph.

NOTE (on story):
Just curious here, this stood out to me... why are all the elementals girls? This is just my opinion and all but that seems very one-sided/lop-sided to me. Especially if this is an Asian-styled world, you need to consider possibly keeping consistent with the ying-yang theory. That is, a balance of male and female forces.
If they aren't all girls, then you have four very girl sounding names. Maybe consider changing them to sound more masculine?

Secondly, as many others have pointed out, this is much, much too short. I don't know if this is directly connected to chapter one or not... if not then I would suggest cutting paragraph one completely and expanding paragraph two to a more substantial chapter. Why cut paragraph one? It's exposition. Skillfully handled yes, but it is still basically just a list of information that doesn't affect the story yet in the present. What I mean by that is that... to me anyways, it seems like cheating. The fact that your world has elementals, and the fact that they are "gifted" children imbued with special powers and such and such, should be evident in the story itself, and made evident as the story progresses. Things should flow naturally. Right now, you're TELLING us what this is all about as opposed to cleverly and slowly revealing---SHOWING us what the story is about. Paragraph one is more like the excerpt on the back cover of the book than a prologue. And I for one, think this would be much stronger if you chose to omit it entirely from the prologue.

As for expanding on paragraph two...

I'm going to give you some advice here that probably no one else has suggested yet, and this isn't me being cruel or anything, just my opinion.

I think you should cut the prologue entirely.

Why? It's not really needed. See my comments above in regards to your first paragraph. As for the second section, while it is mysterious and cliff hanging, I find it a bit too ambiguous. The body-swap thing grabs attention yes, that is true. However, your first chapter should be doing that, from line one. Trying to "hook" the readers with a prologue, while sometimes used effectively, is not taking full advantage of your first chapter. Your first chapter is the most important chapter. Your readers might skip the prologue, but they're going to be around for chapter one. In short, unless you personally believe that a prologue is absolutely necessary to your story, and unless you have a good reason WHY the prologue is important, you should seriously consider just saving this whole section here for later in the story and start things off in chapter one.

Hope that makes sense.

Anyways, I think I've said everything that I could say here. Good luck with this, hope I could help. I will be back for chapter one. Mwuh ha ha ha ha.

-ED






Thanks for the review :) Actually Remy and Avi are supposed to be guys, but this just shows my I should change their names to something more masculine. I think I should change the name of this piece, since really it's not about the Elementals. I realized that I accidentally chose names mostly starting with "A", I have no idea what I was thinking, but I shall start thinking of different names. Oh yeah, and your little inferation thing about Lilith was correct, she's not human. Thanks much for the review! :D



User avatar
1087 Reviews


Points: 44360
Reviews: 1087

Donate
Sun Jun 30, 2013 11:47 am
View Likes
Sins wrote a review...



Hey there, SushiSashimi, I noticed you linked this piece in Team Fire Flower's forum, and so I've come to check it out and review it for you as a fellow Team Fire Flower member! You'e got a lot of feedback already so I'm not sure how useful I'll be, but I promise to try my best to help you improve what you have here at the moment. I won't bother with nit-picks because they're a little time consuming and not overly beneficial, so I'll just begin with what I like about your prologue and then move on to find any critiques and suggestions I can come up with.

Okay so firstly, I think you have a very intriguing concept and idea here. Now I have to admit that these kinds of stories aren't usually my favourite kind because I'm not a massive lover of fantasy, but I must say that you've got me interested. That's awesome considering this kind of thing isn't usually my taste, so really well done on that. I also think this prologue is very creative with the names of the 'four children' and the names of the villages, and I'm a little jealous because when it comes to that kind of creativity, I am terrible. Definitely a nice job overall, and I do think that this prologue has a lot of potential, and that it's the beginning of a novel with a lot of potential too.

With regards to critiques, everything I can really think of has been mentioned already really. I want to avoid sounding really repetitive by repeating every single thing everyone else has said, so I do have one or two things no one's properly mentioned or gone into detail about. The first critique I have for you is regarding the last paragraph of this, and while this is admittedly partly a case of personal opinion, I don't think it's very well suited in this prologue. I see why you've included it here in this prologue, but it doesn't really sound like it fits for me, to be honest. I'm tempted to suggest you just put it into the first chapter instead because the style and feel of it is noticeably different to the style and feel of the previous paragraphs.

I'm assuming Lilth is going to be one of the Element children, right? If that is the case, I do see how this last paragraph connects to the rest of it, but in a way, that sort of bugs me because it's a little obvious. Because you've just talked about these children and what they do, I've immediately guessed that Lilth is one of these children. Why else would she randomly be in the prologue? If you want it to be obvious and for all your readers to guess, then you can just keep this as it is, but if you want more of a mystery surrounding Lilth then I would suggest maybe putting that paragraph into the first chapter. That way, your readers won't be so quick to assume she's one of the Element children because in their minds, the story has moved on.

Something else I want to mention is the length of this. I know, I know, prologues are meant to be short and mysterious, but I do think you have to be careful not to make them too short and mysterious. I'm not asking you to write a 10,000 word prologue that explains every single thing in detail, but I do think this would benefit from being a little more detailed and a little longer. It's around 100 words at the moment, so I don't think there'd be much harm in extending it to 500 or so words.

Something I feel you could give more detail on, for example, is the whole situation where the Element children disappeared. As it stands, they literally disappear in a night, and maybe I'm just being really picky here but that seems too easy for my liking. It's kind of like if someone had a character in their novel who they get bored of and instead of killing said character off properly, they just write that said character simply disappeared and never came back. I do see why you've made it that way though, so I won't stress on that too much. One thing I definitely do think you can go into more detail about regarding their disappearance though is to maybe describe the villagers reactions. Did they panic? Did they try searching for these children? Did they think they'd run away? Been taken?

Now I know mystery is good in a prologue and by not answering the questions above, you're creating mystery. While that is true, I can't help feeling that you're creating too much mystery and that it's just leading to confusion really. While you want your readers to be intrigued and to question what's going on, you should probably avoid confusing them and leaving them feeling a bit empty of information by the end of your piece. It's not a massive issue really because hey, it's a prologue and prologues are mysterious, but it is something I think you should consider.

And I think that's about it. Everyone else has covered any other critiques of mine, so I won't be all annoying and repeat them. Despite my critiques and suggestions, I do think that you have a very fascinating concept here with a bucket load of potential. I'm definitely intrigued to find out what happens in the first chapter, and it will probably end up being my next review. If you have any questions or comments regarding this review, just let me know via my wall, via a PM, or by replying to this review. Whatever suits you. :)

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins




User avatar
37 Reviews


Points: 1396
Reviews: 37

Donate
Sun Jun 30, 2013 5:07 am
View Likes
gauravkundu32 says...



Hey, this piece of work is superb. I really like it and want to know more about it.Please keep writing. You've great potential.






Thanks! ^_^



User avatar
254 Reviews


Points: 9209
Reviews: 254

Donate
Sun Jun 30, 2013 12:40 am
View Likes
Omnom wrote a review...



Here to review!

Boy this is short. I'll have to write in a whole bunch of filler words and stuff like that I'll just have to be all big and grammatical and stuff.

So, Aquestioning here to review this prologue for you today because you wanted it reviewed, so let's begin!

So, why is the first part italicized? Is it someone, like a narrator, speaking to the reader? Are you going to do more like this italicized part? So, onto some nitpicks, because since this is short, that's all I can really do for you. Remy's name is different than the others because his/her's is not started with an 'A.' Did you do this on purpose, maybe to mark that she's different than the rest?

So, the last paragraph kind of threw me off and shook the sturdiness of this short prologue by feeding me information that did not correlate in any way to the two paragraphs before that. Did she write that part or something? I don't know. Maybe fix your presentation of her and give more details just to make the prologue longer on that part and flesh out the character a bit more.

Overall, I like it, and it made me want to read more, which most prologues really fail to do. I will review the first chapter soon, and remember to write more!

Hope this helped, even if a little,
Quest






I actually didn't realize that all the names started with "A", I just really liked those XD. The italicized part is what Lilith is thinking. I'm glad this succeeded in making you want to read more, I can only hope the same for the first chapter. Hope you like it!



User avatar
24 Reviews


Points: 726
Reviews: 24

Donate
Sun Jun 30, 2013 12:05 am
View Likes
Yazi wrote a review...



The prologue definitely sparked my interest and I wanted to continue reading it. The introduction is good because it's straight to the point and right away we know what or who we are dealing with although not too much information is given out at this point.
This would urge readers to continue reading it so kudos for that :)
This is a really good start to a novel and the idea that a body may not be compatible with its inhabitant is an original idea that I am glad you've explored.
I have really enjoyed reading this and the cliff hanger at the end is bound to spark the interest of readers everywhere.
I do wonder however if this piece was inspired by Avatar and the different benders?
Other than that I have no criticisms; it's a well written piece and it's interesting. Good job! :)






Thanks! I do like Avatar, but I wasn't really thinking of that when I wrote this. The element controlling thing is all they have in common. :D



User avatar
132 Reviews


Points: 2485
Reviews: 132

Donate
Fri Jun 28, 2013 10:46 pm
View Likes
racket says...



I love this! Great work! I will thoroughly enjoy reading this, I bet! The only bad thing I can find in this piece is "The bodywasn't" should be "The body wasn't" that's all! This is fantastic! Oh, one more thing, which village were each of them from? Besides that, it's great!






I tried to coordinate the order in which they were listed to tell what village they were from. Arya=Anima; Remy=Lympha; Arisa=Mulciber; Avi=Terra. I shall definitely fix that typo :)



User avatar
117 Reviews


Points: 896
Reviews: 117

Donate
Sat Jun 22, 2013 8:34 pm
View Likes
rishabh says...



wow! this prologue is short and interesting.......i like it. honey! i like the names of the villages!




User avatar
31 Reviews


Points: 4304
Reviews: 31

Donate
Fri Jun 21, 2013 1:05 am
View Likes
Sarrasponda says...



Hello!
Your story idea looks really interesting; kind of like Avatar the last airbender with its different elemental powers.
I also noticed your super representational names of characters and places- my name is Tara,
so I totally no what its original form means. ;)
Anyways all I wanted to say was loved your story idea <3






Thank you! I was hoping that someone might realize. Google translate sure does come in handy :D



User avatar
347 Reviews


Points: 25558
Reviews: 347

Donate
Sun Jun 09, 2013 4:53 pm
View Likes
OliveDreams wrote a review...



Hello,

I am also writing a fantasy novel about Elementals so I was really interested in reading your prologue. I immediately noticed that you take a lot of time and care when choosing the names of your characters and your settings which I think is such a genius thing to do with a subject like the elements!

Even though I like that it's sharp and quick to the point, I would have liked to have seen more background information about the land and maybe something about the relationships between the elements. Do they work together? Or sworn enemies?

GOOD LUCK.

Feel free to look at my first chapter!!






Yeah, this was just to make the readers mad at me. I like short prologues where lots of questions are brought up and answered later. I will definitely make sure to look up your story :D



User avatar
100 Reviews


Points: 2551
Reviews: 100

Donate
Sat Jun 08, 2013 6:56 am
View Likes
mystogan wrote a review...



Originally I thought this was turning out to be a poem, thank goodness it didn't because as I was reading I thought "how good would this be as a story". There is definitely promise here. Your use of language really gives it a warm feeling. It makes it like one of those stories that people read about local legends. You know, the stuff that people get excited to read.

Also your information is very precise and compact. I don't think a single word is wasted. In those two first short paragraphs you have given enough details to satisfy pointless questions whilst making readers keen to find out more. Also I like how the third paragraph drops hints of unique things as well. Like the part about her new body and whether it is compatible. I am always up for weird worlds where those kind of things are messed up.

My only two criticisms would be that it is not long enough. Even if it was double the amount above, I think it could do with more. I am not sure why you did it like this, maybe you were just putting this out to see people's reactions so you can decide whether to continue or not. Also the second criticism is that I would have liked some more description. The start where you say things like "Arisa, the fire dancer" is good. So for the second paragraph where you name the villages maybe you could have continued that trend and by doing so given us some kind of description of the villages or even their original location before they went missing. Of course I get the fact that they have gone missing and that you might want to keep things about them very secretive for the time being.

Kudos on the cliff hanger ending. Like I already said you do a good job of drawing interest and that ending only increases this longing from the readers. I would like to see more on this. I hope you do continue writing this. If you do decide to continue this, notify me when the next chapter is up. :)






Yeah, I was thinking of describing the villages throughout the rest of the story so as not to overwhelm the reader. I'm really glad that you liked my story :D. I shall make sure to update you whenever the first chapter comes out.



User avatar
1313 Reviews


Points: 23286
Reviews: 1313

Donate
Sat Jun 08, 2013 2:15 am
View Likes
Hannah wrote a review...



Remy, the water master


Compared to the other four descriptions, this is way less active. Others dance or tame or shake, but you use such a vague verb for Remy: master. I think you might find a better verb. Could you say water raiser? Water twister? Water former?

I would also like to know what you mean when you say the villages disappear -- just land is left in their place? What happened to all the other people that were living in these villages, the civilians who weren't the elementals? Certainly these elementals had strong relationships with people who were their friends or mentors. So, if I'm guessing correctly and Lilith is a reincarnation of one of the elementals in a human body, I expect her to be wracked with guilt and sadness about losing all of her livelihood, or she doesn't feel human to me at all, and it makes me want to read a little less.

Do you intend elementals to be above the level of human comprehension? Still, wouldn't they mourn the loss of other beings they cared about?

I guess the problem with this as a standalone prologue is that it only half-introduces. It calls names and titles and quickly wraps up the transition from one plane of being to another, but this could just as easily be stuffed in in small flashbacks and you can start the book right from chapter one. We don't need prologues. xD

Lemme know if you have any questions / comments about my review.
Keep writing, and good luck!






Yeah, I couldn't think well at the time for what I should use. I agree that "master" was really bad. Do you mind if I use any of yours? I liked some of them.



User avatar
47 Reviews


Points: 240
Reviews: 47

Donate
Sat Jun 08, 2013 1:12 am
Wonder wrote a review...



Ooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhh I am HOOKED! :D Nice job!
But I have one question, were the words in italics Lilith's thoughts, or where they just information so that the reader would know what is happening? Or both?

Anyways, I don't see anything wrong with this...

I can't wait to read the rest! :D

- Wonder






I think that they were both, sorry, that was a little unclear. Glad you liked it :)




"Life, although it may only be an accumulation of anguish, is dear to me, and I will defend it."
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein