Published June 4, 2013
Death Flower
Chapter 1: Defeating death
Agnus- Is it worth it? To give up magic for eternal life? You will become a mere commoner if you lose magic.
Marcus- I can’t know for sure if I am making the right decision. I cannot peer into the afterlife. I know souls are tangible. I can morph mine to achieve many great feats but it is beyond my ability to see what happens to souls when they depart this realm. They could perhaps venture into a realm of happiness, pain, or realm full of nothingness? I can’t even be sure if they continue to exist. There are the many legends, but with no proof behind any of them. And now I will hammer my soul permanently into this realm with the dark desert flower of death.
Agnus- If only we had more time.
Marcus- I am sorry I will no longer be able to assist you in your grow with magic. It will be up to yourself now. Perhaps you can find a better than what I have chosen. My age presses me to make this decision now.
Agnus- I don’t think I will ever be able to surpass or reach your level to escape death.
Marcus- Perhaps, but you can read my works and save yourself from the same mistakes I have made.
Marcus gazed at his dark flower. Marcus was surprised that its appearance was not much different from a black rose. The flower has been raised by magic and could have taken almost any form. Marcus was experienced in transforming his body. The pain he experienced was many times more painful than a normal human body could survive. In the past, as he grew more experience he could manipulate his mind as well to overcome pain, but this transformation will be different. He will be rendered to the plant and his abilities will be lost.
Agnus- Are you prepared?
Marcus- No. But there is no more time. I do not know exactly what will happen, but the flowers energy will server my soul’s connection to the rest to the realm, and the flower will be bound to my body, my soul and my mind. We will be a new trinity, with the rose being the frame.
Marcus took the flower and placed it to his mouth and it uncomfortably travelled down his gullet. Marcus will now be its new soil. The flowers roots would spread throughout his body and the thorns will pierce his mind and soul to allow them to bleed into his body like blood. The pain was beyond any transformation that previously morphed his bones and flesh. For the first time he could feel his soul, his mind, and his body at the same time. But now they were being blurred with a new entity ripping and mixing them beyond his control. As his constituents mixed, he felt things not normally possible. He could taste and feel concepts in his mind. Now for the first time since discovering magic he felt helpless. This idea in his mind traveled to his senses and soul and was amplified in intensity. No amount of practitioning of magic could have prepared him for this.
A s time passed by he seemed to be able to experience thoughts again, although not in the same way before. He could feel them as if it were an arm or as cup in his hand. There was no longer melanin or redness in his skin. He could see into himself with more clarity than ever, but he felt like his surroundings were less dense because of it.
Agnus- Master, can you hear me today?
Marcus realized he heard these words before on some level. But now he could react to them.
Marcus- Yes.
His consciousness was still not whole yet. He realized that perceiving time would be his last sense that would returned. He looked at his castle and realized it was dilapidated beyond a human lifetime. Unless Agnus engulfed a flower of death or find a different way to escape death he would be dead at this time. Marcus wondered what will become of him. Now this new Marcus would have to face the world without his magic. He slowly moved his limbs at speeds he was not sure of. He moved along his decayed castle and his memories swarmed his body. His memories were now pounding details in his body. As his gaze changed he could remember the smallest facet of what his senses picked up. It was clear now that he is transformed, but to what he did not know. He continued down the castle to the main door. He must know how the world is. Even as his body, body, and sould have not completely mixed yet his curiosity pressed his mangled body forward. He opened the doors and saw his world has changed.
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137,443 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
Hey tacoguy1988
I have to say, I absolutely love your title. It is so intriguing. It’s nothing cliché or anything. And while I was searching for something to read, I saw your title and went ‘that one, I’m reviewing that one.’
Okay so now for your chapter’s name. Defeating Death, it has alliteration which I love, and it has a sense of the impossible which is so cool. How does one defeat death? It is inevitable. But I guess I’m going to find out.
Structure: straight away I find something wrong, where are your quotation marks?! They are extremely important as they help the reader, well, read. As I’m reading further down, I’m noticing that you have four consecutive sentences that start with ‘I’. Now, if you want to keep your readers drawn in, you have to start each sentence with different words, not to a point where it becomes ludicrously difficult but when it becomes just comfortable and easy to do, if that makes sense. What I’m trying to say is that you can use the same words, just not straight after each other.
Your dialogue is very sensible for adults, which is good, I normally struggle to make an adult of my characters.
Description, you description is wonderful. I am so glad I read this piece, though, you could at least tell us what the two look like. If letting their looks be up to the imagination of the reader is your style, than that is absolutely fine!
Your ending makes me want to read more oh so bad, I like it.
Just a recap: I’m noticing consecutive sentences starting with the same words, so just restructure the sentences to make them more interesting and such. There are a couple of grammatical errors which should be pretty easy to pick up. I’m not entirely sure, but I believe you change tense a couple of times, easily fixed.
But overall, interesting story, great plot, great work!
~ Lee
I'm a nut about grammar, so let me just get it out of the way :
This phrase "your grow with magic" was a little confusing.
In this sentence "It will be up to yourself now," 'yourself' should be 'you'.
This was pretty confusing "In the past, as he (grew more experience) he could manipulate his mind as well to overcome pain, but this transformation will be different."
"flowers energy" needs an apostrophe.
I really like this sentence: "We will be a new trinity, with the rose being the frame."
It's an interesting concept. I think you did well, and if you include a little more it can be a very good story.
Keep writing!
interesting story. I agree with what the others said and have just a couple other pieces of advice. in the paragraphs that have no dialogue, try to avoid starting every sentence with the same word. in the first two non-dialogue paragraphs you started a few sentences with "Marcus" one after the other, and it sounded a bit repetitive. don't be afraid to say "he" instead of "marcus," the reader should be able to infer that themselves. also, watch your tenses. at some parts you use past and others you use present, so it makes the piece sound a bit weird.
i.e. "Unless Agnus engulfed a flower of death or find a different way to escape death he would be dead at this time. Marcus wondered what will become of him."
you switch from past to present multiple times through these two sentences. in all past tense it sounds like this:
"Unless Agnus engulfed a flower of death or found a different way to escape death he would be dead at this time. Marcus wondered what would become of him."
If I were you I'd stick to past tense. It's the easiest tense to use.
My fellow reviewers made most of the points that I could hope to make, so I'll just add one more:
I'm not sure that I understand the relationship between Agnus and Marcel. I know nothing of them, save that they are practitioners of magic. I feel no sympathy for the pain of Marcel, not do I find great import to their actions.
That said, I feel like the idea in your piece carries a lot of potential. The severance of magical connection to avoid death...it's an interesting trade-off. One that I would like to see more.
Never stop writing!
This is interesting. I'll be looking forward to seeing more. Other than what has already been said in the previous review, I have one editing suggestion as well.
You set up all the dialogue like someone would if they were writing script instead of prose, yet have all the description and actions laid out as someone who writes prose would have. It's slightly confusing. If this is prose, dialogue is set off in quotation marks and an attributive phrase. If it's script, a few other nitpicks go into the format, although I'm no expert.
Keep writing!
~Rocky
Hey!
I think you're off to a good start with this piece. It kind of makes me think of something out of a fantasy video game, and I say this as a compliment for sure! Marcus is a great character, and I can't wait to see where you take his arc throughout the story. He has an interesting relationship with Agnus. Although Agnus is a little bare right now, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt since this only the first chapter. That being said, however, you should make sure that your characters come off as strong personalities right from the beginning. While Marcus certainly does, Agnus could use a little bit of work.
Secondly, I'm not really sure what's going on with your dialogue. I realize that you have it how it is in other languages- such as French, Spanish, etc, and if you don't know, It's done a little differently if you write a short story in English. If this your first language and you just don't know how to write dialogue, still check out this article for everything you need to know.
My last comment is on your beginning. You thrust us right into the dialogue of the piece, and it makes it a little confusing to try and understand what is going on. Jumping right into the thick of action can work in some cases, but I think your writing would definitely benefit from more atmosphere. Try to describe the setting the characters are in, and make us feel like we're actually there.
I certainly hope that this is helpful! Good luck!
Just a few things:
1. Avoid using "can't" and "cannot" interchangeably, it can disrupt the flow during reading.
2. "Morth" = "Morph"? You have some great word choices, but sometimes it seems that you need to work quite some more on your word choices.
3. Sometimes you would miss a few words, like "than" in "Many he experienced were more painful that a normal human body could survive."
4. There are some random spaces in between, and some missing punctuation errors, nothing you can't correct with a second reading.
5. "Even as his body, body, and sould have not completely mixed yet his curiosity pressed his mangled body forward." ?=? "Although his body and soul have not completely mixed, his curiosity pressed his mangled body forward. "