z

Young Writers Society


12+

The Unsilenced War Begins: Draft 2-Chapter Two

by Soulkana


Chapter Two

The pain of the many scratches and bruises finally begins to slow down the young elf as she stumbles down another hill, panic fills her light green eyes as she glances behind to spot only a faint trace of the black smoke that is her village, Aglasia. Tears streak down her face as she trips over a tree root, twisting her ankle.

Struggling to stand, she whispers, "I have to find her. Please, Diethelm, be near."

Limbing her way down the forest path, she pulls on the only memory of the Diethelm that is the object of the last order from her father, King Vine. She only caught a glimpse of the Aeron's forces as they attacked before fleeing as her parents ordered. But, the Diethelm has to know the enemies are attacking. But the only memory of their only hope comes from when she is only five.

"Are you alright?" A warm, friendly voice questions as Sundrop hears a light crunch of gravel beneath the unknown person's shoes as they kneel beside her.

Trembling, the elf glances up to see a pair of beautiful scarlet eyes watching her in concern as she sobs. The town's alleys are dark and in her curiosity of seeing non-elvess, the young Princess lost sight of her parents.

"Diethelm." The whisper slips out as the young girl pulls her to her feet and out of the alley.

"You should be careful. I'm assuming you're the Elven Princess the two Elves have been searching for, yes?" The girl states, a warm smile brightening her face as she continues towards some direction, "I know where they're at. I'll take you."

Sundrop clutches the girl's shirt tightly, pressing tightly against the young girl's side as they enter the busy main street. "Diethelm, how did you find me?"

The girl simplys nods in direction of her parents just ahead. Before Sundrop can turn to thank the other, the Diethelm was out of sight.

Sundrop bites her bottom lip as she finally breaks from the forest to a seaport. But before she can reach the street, she spots two young teens lying on the ground, their faces pale and blood soaking the grass. Kneeling beside the two, she removes their shirts and takes a deep breath at the amount of wounds they had. Tugging a few old shirts from her small bag of clothes, she rips them apart and carefully wraps the wounds just as the girl stirs.

Silver eyes peer at her in fear before she whispers, "The Aeron Army has reached Estrellan, right?"

Sundrop nods, "They attacked my village. I fled in order to search for the Diethelm."

The girl nods slowly, before standing up and replacing her shirt. "They've already taken over Saturn, our home." She nods to the unconscious boy who looks similar to her.

Sundrop winces. Saturn, their moon, isn't a part that most Estrellan's believe needs protecting despite it having civillians. Feeling the sheer power these two held, while proves that Saturn can hold its own against most threats, didn't prove they can fight everything. So as they wait for the boy to wake up, Sundrop says with a reassuring smile, "My names Sundrop Vine, Princess of the Elves."

The girl smiles faintly and states, "I am Hotaru Yanan, the guardian of Saturn along with my twin, Janus." She nods to the boy who now begins to stir from his sleep.

His own silver eyes glance at me before dismissing me completely as he checks over the surroundings. "Where do we go now, Hotaru?" He watches his sister as she ponders their next move.

Nervously, Sundrop whispers, "Why not come with me to the seaport? We can find the Diethelm there, I can feel her power."

The two both watch me silently before nodding. Standing, the elf flinches as her twisted ankle protests the sudden weight. Janus quickly takes one of her arms and supports her weakened side as the three made their way down to the seaport where they can all feel the pull of a very powerful, but pure power. Each hoping that it is the Diethelm, they all need to find.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
896 Reviews


Points: 240
Reviews: 896

Donate
Tue Jun 04, 2013 4:08 pm
PenguinAttack wrote a review...



Hey Soulbrother,

You've made a bold and I think unwise decision to write this in present tense. Present tense is awkward and unwieldy and really, really hard to write well. Right now you have an interesting story line, although it is a bit confused and rushed, but it's being held back by the format. You don't talk about the leaves brushing her face or the way the dirt sticks to her knees, or the blood to the shirts as she tries to peel them away. These don't seem like important details but they help us get a sense of the world, to get a sense of how she feels in the world.

In this way I think you need to add more description to what's going on - are there other people on the street or is it deserted? Is it pavement or cobblestones, or dirt? Does the blood pool under the siblings or is it smeared across their bellies from the cuts? I am a very visual reader, I like details so that I can feel the story moving as I read it. This might not be what you prefer but I hope you give it a go, I think you might find it useful. Consider also limiting how much information is happening here, there are a lot of names mentioned and almost no description to go with them, that will make it confusing later in the story. Mostly at this point you're being held back by the present tense, I'd consider changing it all to past tense if I were writing this.

I think you're on the right track, this has the sense of a good story, it's just a little weak at the moment. Please hit me up if you have any questions, queries or just want to chat.

-Penguin.




User avatar
25 Reviews


Points: 805
Reviews: 25

Donate
Mon Jun 03, 2013 9:00 am
Danceingtreeelf wrote a review...



This is a very interesting story by far. It really pulls you in with the first paragraph but then it's kinda like you got side tracked. This chapter really need fleshing out, also you need to look over some spelling and very few grammar problems that might have slipped past you.Like in line 6 where it says she was Limbing,I think you meant to type Limping. Another problem I saw (this is the last one I noticed,not really a problem,more like oops you skipped something.) When you stated that she started to help the wounded you kinda well, skipped on telling if they were aware or not. But you did save that small part when the girl began to come to. I really like the way this story is written and I hope you keep writing best of luck and good wishes.





u can't have villains exist just 2 b villains
— ShadowVyper