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18+

this girl!

by zasaz63


Warning: This work has been rated 18+.

fuck this girl!

Did you know what i mean?

Recently i picked up the girl.

Shall we go to the cinema or maybe i can buy flowers to yo?

nooo. she wants to introduce me to her friends. why?

ok. her first question: "Are you russian?"

Yes, my little dick-succer, i'm a russian. Problems?

at the end, she ask me a question. "did you have a facebook account?"

what? Facebook? Google? Youtube? Amazon?

nooo, i'm just a russian guy. and i don't want an internet, i want drink vodka, dance with a bears and wear my SHAPKA USHANKA!


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12 Reviews


Points: 255
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Sun Dec 15, 2013 10:54 am
FloralFlower wrote a review...



Hello!

Umm.. I just read it and am thinking " what the f***" i read"... I don't know, but it's maybe not for me, because i don't understand what you want to say. Also it sounds really creepy. hah It's like you gonna kill that poor girl. You know, it's just my opinion, but it's not a good work and those "lyrics" are not lyrics. I think you could create somethig better

- Ophelia




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303 Reviews


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Sun Jun 30, 2013 6:43 pm
StoneHeart wrote a review...



Okay, hey zasaz, Black here for a real quick Review Day review!

Okay, so first off . . . this was, ahem, a bit of an odd piece. Not the usual type of thing I find on here, and not really art. Ris's violence is slightly justified but terribly controlled . . . as is I think I'll be going with nite's point of view. It's hard to tell what you're trying to say. What's your point? What is it he doesn't like? Why? You need to be sure to answer questions that will pop up in a reader's mind.

Another thing. This is YOUNGwriteressociety, so watch your rating. This here's okay, but don't get comfortable with it or the mods will find you. Also, if I had to guess you're fairly new with english, so I'll advise you to try to practice your spelling and grammar a bit more - it needs it. Practice makes perfect, after all.

Also, another quick thing. In writing there are a number of styles: Here a few main ones. Formal - being really formal and stiff. Easy-going - really easy going and personal. AND violent. You are using violent style. This here isn't really a poem. It's you RAVING over something. If you want to write something then explain something . . . don't get all emotional about it. Especially in a poem.

Okay, wait, you've probably heard that emotion is a good thing and that poetry needs it, right? Now that is true, you just have to realize that you're not utilizing emotion: You're RAVING. You're screaming uncontrollably. You're making . . . a . . . mess. And that doesn't really work.

I advise you to try to control what you're saying and use more emotional words, and, like nite said, show what you mean! You're NOT showing what you mean in any way . . . you're raving, and you need to control yourself and do that. Don't be put out, we all have to start somewhere! Good luck, and KEEP WRITING!


~Black~




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532 Reviews


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Sun Jun 30, 2013 6:38 pm
ArcticMonkey wrote a review...



Hi zasaz!

Well. This is something. I don't want to sound too harsh but it's not all that exciting. In fact, it sounds more like some sort of rant really than lyrics. I mean, I understand the message you're trying to put across but this is just way too... weird.

Firstly in terms of spelling and grammar it should look more like this:

Fuck this girl!
Did you know what i mean?
Recently I picked up the girl.
Shall we go to the cinema or maybe can buy flowers to you?
Nooo. She wants to introduce me to her friends. Ehy?
Ok. her first question: "Are you Russian?"
Yes, my little dick-sucker, i'm a Russian. Problems?
at the end, she ask me a question. "did you have a Facebook account?"
what? Facebook? Google? YouTube? Amazon?
Nooo, i'm just a Russian guy. and i don't want an internet, I to want drink vodka, dance with a bears and wear my SHAPKA USHANKA!


See the difference with the capital letters? If you have troubles with capital letter feel free to PM me.

Secondly, is this it? It's rather short and all I'm feeling is hate. Try and expand on it a bit more! Use such more imagery, interesting language, maybe even some sort of poetic technique. Be different, think outside the box while also sticking to your main message!

Next time, please try and create a more sensitive piece I guess. Actually sensitive isn;t the right word here, basically something that would appeal to more people. something that shows your emotions, but also is more interesting than this.

Hope this helped! PM me with questions or if you want anything else reviewed.

Keep Writing!
-Arc x




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Sat Jun 01, 2013 11:28 pm
rishabh says...



i hate this type of cr***y shappy work. beware leave such type of cheapo work and write something worthy. SOMETHIN USEFUL. don't try to put russian masala into it. nobody will reads ur s****y writings in future!






Hey, be nice!



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Sat Jun 01, 2013 5:47 pm
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi zasaz63 and welcome to YWS! If you are serious about improving, this is a great place to be! :)

Now, there's definitely a strong emotion behind this, but it could be brought out better. Right now this reads more like a blog about a bad date then a poem. I felt like the use of Russian stereotypes was sarcastic, but it would have more impact if the speaker showed behavior that was at odds with the stereotype (e.g. not drinking to contradict the idea that all Russians are alcoholics).

Why is her introducing the speaker to her friends important? Is she parading around the speaker, as if to say "Ooh look, I picked up a hot foreign guy!", completely disregarding his feelings? Are her and her friends ignoring the speaker completely? Are they making fun of him for being foreign? You could bring out the message you want to convey by showing how the friends react to the speaker (touch, words, etc.)

Overall, more images and better use of language could make this interesting, but right now I'm not sure what the piece is trying to say. Think about your main idea and revise accordingly. Keep writing! :)




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Sat Jun 01, 2013 4:47 am
dark wrote a review...



I see, you have just started writing, here. And you obviously just do it for no reason at all, as seen by your many mistakes.
Anyway, many word that are not capitalized SHOULD be and, you are obviously an American because of your use of Russian stereotypes. Also your title should be capitalized,Maslow you poem makes no sense at all... You go from this to that in so many way that even I can't explain without thinking a bit first. Whatever, go ahead and get better at writing. You'll definetly need t if your serious about being here.





Fairy Tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.
— G.K. Chesterton