Ariadne
Silence overtook the hall except for the ticking of the grandfather clock. I counted the seconds. 59, 58, 57, 56...no, I wasn't counting the seconds. I was counting down. Why? I stopped keeping track but a male voice resumed in my place.
I closed my eyes and practiced the breathing exercises the attendants had taught me. Inhale...exhale....inhale...exhale. My heartbeat still thundered in my ears like a raging drum. Inhale...exhale...The beating slowed slightly and I opened my eyes. I wished I could open my window and feel the fresh morning breeze breathe a new life over me, but it was locked. The House would punish me if I disobeyed them.
I rolled over onto my side. My mouth stretched into a wide yawn, which I covered. The night before last I had dreamed that when I yawned my soul tried to escape. It had been nothing but a silly nightmare but with my...condition, I couldn't risk losing my soul to a yawn.
"Nyla hasn't been out of room eight for some time now, Sir," a voice said from the hallway, worming its way into my awareness.
"How long exactly?" Another deep voice responded.
"Three days," the first said. It sounded monotone as if it belonged to an attendant of the House.
"Her condition must be active. We must place surveillance in..." The deep voice continued, however the next part was mumbled and incomprehensible from my position.
I slid out from under my covers and approached the door. I brushed my wild hair away from my ear and pressed my head to the wood.
"I will carry it out, Sir," the attendant voice promised.
"Very good. Thank you, Ms. Wright," a pair of footsteps shuffled away down the hall, "Her decisiveness needs to be inactive as soon as possible. Before the new one arrives."
"Yes, Mr. Wright," the footsteps resumed again and disappeared from my range of hearing.
I pulled away from the door and was more bewildered than before. One of the attendants and Mr. Wright. Talking. About...what? Nyla and the "new one." The other residents and I already knew about Nyla. She had told us that she was preparing for a long period of meditation and tea. She said, once, that before she came to the House of Wright that she used to meditate and drink tea for weeks on end. But now, she has limited freedom with her "condition" and is under close watch by the attendants.
During the conversation Mr. Wright had mentioned to the attendant that surveillance needed to be placed somewhere. In Nyla's room? Or throughout the House? They already kept close watch over us with hidden cameras it couldn't be either of those two.
I stumbled across my room back to my cot. The smell of breakfast drifted up from the kitchen downstairs. The rich smell of pastries and fresh bread. Any other day I would have found my way downstairs to the table to await breakfast. Today, however, I longed to curl back up in bed and fall into a dreamless sleep. That wasn't an option.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Greetings! It is me, LadyPurple, here to review the second chapter of this! Yeah! WOO! Let's do this thing!
First off, yay! New chapter! I can't wait for chapter three. Let me know when you post it.
I can't remember if I've gone over semicolons. I've explained it so many times that I can't remember.
The grandfather clock suddenly struck ten, the chimes echoed through the stale air and reverberated in the halls of the House
That comma there? You might wanna use a semicolon. Otherwise you are doing a 'comma splice'. Even though I think you already know how to use a semicolon. You just missed one here!
WinterHawk did a good job with explaining a lot of stuff. So I won't talk about it. Especially since I think you already fixed it.
Also, 'without' is one word.
And 'throughout' is one word.
This wasn't the time for daydreaming; this was the time for action.
You could also use a semicolon here if you wanted to.
I like this story a lot and I can't wait to see the next chapter! But sorry this isn't much of a review...
Keep writing!
~LP
Hi! Here for a review! I comment as I read, and then make overall comments at the end, just to let you know how this whole thing is goin' down.
Wow, okay, so that's pretty much the only thing I caught. I'm really intrigued to see where this is going! The house and the "condition" of these two girls is a bit confusing at this point, but just enough to make me want to read more, to get it explained. You must let me know when you post the next part!
Sorry this wasn't much of a review! There just wasn't a ton to comment on that Winterhawk didn't cover.
~*Hope
hi. great story! I didn't read the first chapter because I'm too lazy to go look for it hahah. but I really liked this =D you have really good grammar and THANK GOD YOU DON'T ABUSE COMMAS LIKE SO MANY OTHER PEOPLE! you just made my day, for real. your attention to detail and using the senses for description is awesome! the story is so intriguing and foreshadows something super intense to come. I honestly have no idea what the House of Wright is or where they are or what the "condition" is or anything, but no matter. either I missed out because I didn't read the first chapter or it will be explained in later chapters. anyway. the only mistakes I noticed were spelling mistakes:
"cieling" is "ceiling"
"streatched" is "stretched"
"emmense" is "immense"
"mahoganey" is "mahogany"
"frontdoor" is two words, not one.
"Ominmous" is "ominous"
"Infact" is two words also.
and you made a typo in the last sentence. you wrote "f`or" instead of "for"
also one more note: when you use quotations, they end with a comma, not a period, and the next word is lowercase(except names and "I")if the line after that is connected to what the person said.
i.e. "Three days," the first said.
but if the next line is unrelated then you use a period.
i.e. "I'm going to the store." My mom ignored me.
I mean, maybe you already know that and just put the period out of habit. I do that a lot, so I can understand the mistake. anyways. post the next chapter already! =D
Thank you so much for the review! If you would like to read chapter one here's the link: work.php?id=101722