z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

What They Told Us: Chapter 1

by Jadefox


Nyla-

Any minute now. The cat clock above my bed meowed noisily as its paws struck 3:30 pm.

I settled into the armchair, sinking slowly into the worn leather. A knock sounded from the hallway door. He was right on time as usual. I set down my teacup and started towards the entrance to my quarters. My hand grasped the handle and opened the oak door. He stood in a worn flannel button-up with light blue jeans and a pair of white converse. He smiled easily and stepped into the room when I bade him to enter.

He sat in the weathered armchair, leaning back casually. I tried not to stare. I always found myself swept up in his gaze. His eyes were a mystery to me; not a definite color. Sometimes they appeared the dark blue of the midnight sky, sparkling with dazzling stars. Other times the endless, smooth gray of a winter day. He said the color depended on the lighting.

I handed him a teacup of herbal tea drizzled with honey and squirted with fresh lemon. I took my own cup in hand, immersing myself into the wafting steam that curled about my face. I used to drink coffee, but he said it was bad for the mind and soul. Too much of one flavor, he said, tea was the flavor of the earth.

"How have you been?" He asked, focusing his eyes on me. Today they melted into the lively green of a spring meadow flecked with the golden rays of the sun.

I hated that question. I never wanted to trouble another with my worries and difficulties, but at the same instant I wished to relieve the crushing stress of my thoughts. He was different though. He wasn't just "another."

"Worrying." I decided to say.

"What about?"

"The end of this, whatever it is." I gripped my cup harder, feeling the warmth seep to my palms and fingers.

"Time will take its own course. Rest your worries and fears on me." he took a deep sip of his tea.

"We have to act soon, before they do. We can't just sit back and wait for the world to fall apart!" I slammed my mug down on the side table.

"It already has." Just as calmly as before, he rested his gaze on me. I felt myself relaxing but refused to allow the fire inside me to die.

"Then what are we waiting for? An opportunity? Because we've seen plenty pass us by!" I shouted incredulously.

"An opportunity of a sort."

"When?"

The clock meowed and he got to his feet.

"When?" I asked again.

"Another time perhaps? I must go.Thank you for the tea." he handed me the cup, "nothing like an afternoon tea. Don't give me that look, Nyla."

My frown deepened.

He set his hands on my shoulders and looked me in the eye. The gold flecks in the meadow irises had faded to the warm rays of the afternoon sun.

"As the era of the middle ground fades, listen closely, dream big, hold your tongue, and stay on track. A word to the wise: great things come to those who wait. The opportunity will come very soon."

"What will we do when it does?"

The clock meowed again. The cat's eyes swinging back and forth insistently. I watched the hands strike 4:00 pm. The door clicked shut and he was gone.

I glanced back at the clock and it meowed playfully as if singing to me, "No answers, no answers. A mystery with no answers."

"Curiosity killed the cat." I retorted to the song.

Suddenly, a knock came from the door. It wouldn't be him. He never returned twice in a day. I straightened my blouse. I wouldn't allow the confusion and worry to show in my expression.

"Come in." I called.

"Any trouble in here, Nyla? We heard you were talking to some one." The woman was slender and wore her brown hair in a french braid down her back. She was dressed plainly, the same outfit all female attendants wore: a grey blouse with a black pencil skirt. No makeup except for the bright swipe of red lipstick that always appeared to be delicately applied. Her eyes were the same color. Never changing, always a dull brown. Everyday, all day, the attendants wore the same clothing, expression, tone, and name.

"Just myself Ms. Wright. Only myself." I looked her in the eye with an unwavering stare.

"Would you like to remind yourself of your purpose?" She asked.

"I have no purpose. I was born a mistake in a world of purpose. I only live because of the kindness the House of Wright has shown to me." I recited stiffly in an even voice.

"Excellent. That will be all for today." She turned on her heel and left the room briskly, leaving me alone to the roaring sound of my thoughts.


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15 Reviews


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Mon May 27, 2013 12:13 am
YoungMom1210 wrote a review...



"A knock sounded from the hallway door. He was right on time as usual. I set down my teacup and started towards the door."

I think the beginning of this chapter could be better if you didn't repeat yourself so much. I do love the concept of your story but i think with a little tender love and care that it could be all you hoped it would be ! Please don't hesitate to review your stories and if you think something can be changed,change it. I do that a lot with the stories i write. If it helps, get someone to read over it and get their opinion before you submit it .


Thanks
YoungMom1210




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Sun May 26, 2013 1:33 pm
Tabithalillian wrote a review...



This, blew my mind! You are on fire kid! This narrative was everything I look for in novels/chapters on this site. You have a very strong voice in this piece. I can hear you and your writing style here but it doesn't take away from the actual story. You don't go overboard into info dumbs or detail dumps. It was just a really clean and interesting read.

Your descriptions of the other characters in this story were excellent. I got a great visual of all (two) or them. Like I just said you are very descriptive without going overboard into purple prose. I loved the descriptions of the man especially. I really got a feel for his character through his mannerism, how he spoke and how Nyla described him. I with there was a little more detail on Nyla. I don't really feel like I know what she looks like or what kind of a person she is. You touched on that through her conversation with the man but I wanted more.

Now I can get a little nit-picky. I've picked out a couple of sentences that I thought could have been phrased better or had some extra words that they would have been stronger without. But i'm getting really picky here.

I handed him a teacup of herbal tea drizzled with hone and squirted with fresh lemon

I think you meant "honey" and fresh lemon.

Too much of one flavor. He said tea was the flavor of the earth.

I think this could have been phrased differently, this sentence feels a little fragmented. Maybe something like this:
Too much of one flavor, he had said, tea was the flavor of the earth.


I gripped my cup harder, feeling the warmth seep to my palms and fingers.

nothing wrong here I just loved the visual that this provided. Something all the readers can relate to and almost feel.

The gold flecks in the meadow irises had faded to the warm rays of the afternoon sun

I think you could get rid of the "The" in this sentence all together. Just: "Rays of afternoon sun"

No makeup except for the bright swipe of red lipstick that always appeared to be delicately applied

Not sure what word you would use in substitute but "swipe" seems kind of quick and careless but their lipstick appears to be delicately applied? Maybe another word instead of swipe here.

Well you have got an awesome talent! Keep writing and i'll be sure to keep reading!!




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Sun May 26, 2013 3:29 am
Luxury wrote a review...



Wow! That blew me away! I seriously loved it.
The first sentence left me intently captivated. Any minute now. This in itself is something that automatically attracts. I knew that something was to be expected, something I wanted to know about. An excellent technique to use in writing fiction.

All throughout there is suspense, and then a final climax for the end of the beginning (May I add: I loved that little cat clock addition). Except for a few grammatical errors...

Remember that when writing you want to thoroughly look over the entire thing. Sometimes it's better to get up for 10 minutes and do something away from the computer, because often those who have written what they are reviewing can be completely oblivious to the small (but noticeable) mistakes.

I love the descriptions you have used within the first chapter. I can almost smell the tea and the lemon juice. I honestly did smell lemon when I read that part, and there isn't even any lemon in my house! That is exceptional. :D

The way the characters speak is so lovely and flows so naturally! The way Nyla describes the man who visited her implies she has sorts of feelings for him, I am supposing... :)
Oh look at that. I showered you will compliments of everything I loved...
Well. Here's what I didn't like (ugh, it is hard to find anything except the grammatical errors!)
In the beginning you repeated the sentences with 'I' and 'He' an awful lot. I didn't like that. It got annoying. It fixed itself around paragraph 3 though...
Also...
'My hand grasped the handle and opened the door.'
This sentence really bothers me... I wish you had said 'I grasped the handle and opened the door', or 'Grasping the handle, I opened the door'. Hands shouldn't be the one doing things. It's the one who those hands belong to that is doing.

Oh, but I love it so much. Please write more if you haven't already <3




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Sun May 26, 2013 1:06 am
cgirl1118 wrote a review...



Hello fellow writer! It is time for me to review. First off one tiny thing, when you wrote, " I set down my teacup and started towards the door." You already wrote "door" in the sentence before. Try to use something different or maybe describe the door. For example, "started towards the wooden door" or something like that. However that is the only thing I found. The rest is superb! Love the idea of people who are a mistake and are not meant to live. The ending was great and made me want to read more. Also the names were great and were original. Boring names like, Bob, are not interesting. Great job on this and I can't wait to read more!


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Sun May 26, 2013 12:43 am
CandidDreamer wrote a review...



First of all, I just wana say I write and read at the same time.

1. In the second paragraph, you didnt mention the main character getting up and walking to the door. It might add a little to the atmosphere of the story depending on how you describe it.

2. "He smiled easily" i dont really think easily is a good word here.

3. "Another time perhaps? I must go; thank you for the tea." He handed me the cup, "nothing like an afternoon tea. Don't give me that look, Nyla." I feel like the scene you want to create here moves along too quickly. How about "Another time perhaps? I must go. Thank you for the tea." He handed me the cup, "nothing like an afternoon tea." He smiled at me, and I narrowed my eyes, not saying a word, but hoping to transmit my obvious answer into his brain. "Don't give me that look, Nyla."

4. I find Nyla's response to her clock to be so cute.

This is a veeerrryyyy good part of what could be a wonderful book. You have such good character development. I envy your creation of such diverse characters, they interest me so much. I need more of this. You gave just enough info to make me crave more. And the ending! Nyla seems like such a strong and intriguing character, and i want to know more of her and her friend. I also love how you portray their relationship. And this mysterious male character you have created, very appealing.

Advice: Your writing is interesting, but it needs a little more. Try using more descriptions, and let the reader know how your character is feeling. Dont just say it though, describe it in their actions. Work on your flow too. Some parts are kind of choppy. They seem like an action is missing. Also there are a few spelling errors, but everyone makes mistakes.

In the end, I truly like this story. Please write more. Hopefully this is not the last you will see of me :) .




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Sun May 26, 2013 12:41 am
LadyPurple wrote a review...



Hello there! I am LadyPurple! Prepare your work for my review!
So I will discuss the capitalization first. Then other stuff.
"How have you been?" He asked, focusing his eyes on me."
'He' wouldn't be capitalized unless the dialogue was followed by an action.
Example:
"How have you been?" he asked, focusing his eyes on me.
See? And here is is with an action instead:
"How have you been? He focused his eyes on me.
There was also a minor spelling error.
"I felt myself relaxing bur refused to allow the fire inside me to die."
Bur? Is it cold in here? I'm kidding! I know you probably meant 'but'. I also like the wording of this sentence.
"hold your toungue, and stay on track"
Tongue. That's how it's spelled.
Also, 'someone' is one word. Not two. You have it in two words up there somewhere.

Aside from all of that I really liked this and have not a lot to say. I'd just like to know what they're waiting for!
Keep writing!
~LP




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Sun May 26, 2013 12:39 am
Omni wrote a review...



Here to review!

My name is Aquestioning, or any other nickname you may have for me, and I will be reviewing this fine piece of novel for you for Review Day! I haven't reviewed in quite a long time, so you'll be my experimentation for today.

I sipped my tea and took a seat.


This is a nice way to begin a story, but it lacks a lot to interest me. Maybe try adding some more details to flesh it out some more? Remember, the beginning is perhaps the most important part when trying to attract readers.

My hand grasped the handle and opened the door.


This was sort of abrupt. Your character went from sitting in a chair to instantly opening a door that was apparently down the hallway.

I think a little bit more separation between your character sitting down and getting up to the door would help this immensely.

I took my own cup in hand, immersing myself into the wafting steam that curled about my face.


Very nice. I like the imagery here. Do more of your story like this, especially the beginning.

I like this story, it definitely has a lot of potential. However, it felt too abrupt. If you took some more time to detail it, it would be incredibly great.

I hope this helped,
Aquestioning.





Your presence can give happiness. I hope you remember that.
— Jin, BTS