Young Writers Society

Hello again Xorx I have got you another review for the review team called (It has not been determined at this time.) Sorry if I rambled (I do that a whole lot.)

I sure hope this helps as before sorry if it is just fluff because I do not have that much time.

Okay this does not make sense here you are good at poetry though it is good really good.

Look through this poetry and you will see that there are a few mistakes her I mean they are good and all but still they do not make sense. (What I meant up there by saying it was good I meant that I could not see any grammar or spelling problems in it.)

and maybe find a dumber wife.

-the wife part was just something for older women I'm under 20 so please don't come with rude comments

This is cool.
I like it, you need a comma between take and take.

It's sad and interesting. I like it though.

I'll make sure to check out some more of your works.

I don't see anything I need to tell you about other then the take and take thing.

Its pretty good overall.

Thanks,
pegasusgirl2

Just a few thing:

Grammar:
A comma needs to be inserted between take and take on the first stanza.

Rhyme/Rhythm:
Your rhyme seems a little forced in some areas. All poems do not have to rhyme, however if you are, keep a consistant rhyming scheme throughout the poem instead of different ones.

Content:
I feel that this is a typical poem. There is no outstanding imagery or anything new. It's an "OMG boys are SO stupid poem and they are nothing but SCUMBAGS!" type of poem. Interject some imagery and bring in something new.

Just keep working with it. I don't mean to be harsh, but it was reviews like this that made me step back, look at it, and then step it up with my writing style. You'll get the hang of it. Good luck and keep writing!
~Kay

Hey
So I am a sucker for love poems. In fact it's nearly always the thing I review haha! Maybe that says something worrying about me...

Firstly, I was a little confused over the rhyme scheme here (at times it seemed like you were sticking to one, then others it seemed like you were being pretty free with it.) Naturally, poetry is open nowadays to freedom on behalf of structure. Gone are the days of intense, regimented line schemes. However, I'm a little traditional and a bit picky if it doesn't really fit or flow.
For example sometimes you rhymed the first two lines of the stanze (done and fun) and others you didn't (twice and dog.) This sort of affected the fluidity for me and when read aloud made it seem a little fragmented.

Another thing with reference to the rhyming is that is is a little forced at times. This detracts from the overall message and has created cliches. If writing a personal love poem or merely one that you want the reader to connect with, cliches are not cool. I want specific examples, weird little ideas that are personal to you! It's good to be a bit self-indulgent sometimes in poetry. Blimey, Duffy writes a good love poem and she is so self-indulgent, her poetry is littered with really personal and intimate examples!

Hope this feedback was constructive for you
Looking forward to reading some more of your work.

Helen

Don't worry about rude comments on YWS, the site admin and other people handle people who are rude or mean to other users so feel free to express yourself through your writings

Once again punctuation and rhyme scheme. Although your rhyme scheme was more constant this time around, it still wasn't exactly what I WOULD call constant. And try to keep stanza's uniform.
"And who do you think you are?
Just breaking my heart.
You never thought twice,
just went out like an owl, and I was one of your many mice. "

the last line kind of jutts out and disrupts the flow of the poem. I really liked the poem overall however as it really accuratley conveyed to me how you were feeling when you wrote it and it wasn't starined or over simplistic. Nice XD

Keep it up
~Speakerskat