Young Writers Society

Hello Xorx, I am here to do you a review for you, by the way this is for review day on the red teams side.

I sure hope that this helps you out buddy.

How can you savage rain? I do not know what this is about.

Okay there is something that a lot of people do I do not think it is a very good idea you are personalizing you are saying YOU it does not make the reader want to read more of your work You say You are so mean bla bla bla and people don't like that at least I don't really like it when people do that don't do it its not a good idea.

I do not think you can sing S.O.S S ooooooooooooo SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS see you can't sing that.

Why are you digging holes?

Good job here I hope the review helps.

Sorry if I hath review badly sorry if I had.

Keep writing and good luck.

~Jon~

Just a few things:

Grammar:
When you ask Why, its generally a question. Change the period to a question mark.

Rhyme/Rhythm:
Other have pointed it out, so I won't harp on it. If your teacher won't teach you the ins and outs of poetry, start researching it. Read other poets published poems, or even some of the really good ones on YWS and you will pick it up pretty quick. However, there is an entire cyber world out there that you can utilize.

Content:
When I read your first stanza, I had hope. It then went downhill. I loved your imagery in the first stanza, but after that I felt it was more tell than show. You always want your readers to feel what you feel and see what you see. If people are responding to this now, just imagine what potential it could have when you interject imagery and place the reader in the poem. Also, this same sad story has been heard time and time again. Use metaphors, similes whatever you have to, to make it your own. As of now I feel like there is really nothing new in this poem. You can change that.

Keep working with the poem. You both have potential. Good luck and keep writing!

~Kay

I really enjoy poems that rhyme. I really liked your piece, but your rhyme scheme was a little off beat. It kept changing. Your emotions flowed through your words like water in a river. Keep up the good work.

I loved it! Keep wrighting! It has a kick i like the ryming words, i felt like i could actually feel your pain.

Oh my um your rhyme scheme was.... very disproportionate....you switched patterns a lot, you should always try to keep that constant. As far as punctuation, try to capitalize each line of the stanza and use comma's and periods properly. I really loved the piece though.
eg
"I feel used,
and emotionally bruised.
I seek for your shelter,
but you turn me elsewhere.

Seasons come and go,
clouds go by.
Lost in a drift,
just asking "why.""

you go from
a
a
b
c
to
a
b
c
b

rhyme scheme.

It really accuratley described cheating in a nice and not to harsh but still dramatic and expressive way. BTW try not to comment/revew your own work because it drives away potential reviewers

Keep it up
~Speakerskat

SO MANY ERRORS so sorry, for one it's "Bearing a huge hole." and "You've never given me a thing." again sorry....