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Merienda the Pixie Ninja (updated to version 1.1!)

by freezingwreck

(Ive updated this work, there are asterisks to mark the beginning and end of the peom inside the storry.)

Merienda the Pixie Ninja

Humans fancied themselves as tamers of nature, but there was a forest even they wouldn’t dare touch. The Forest of Caramelo was said to be cursed and inhabited by evil demons. But in truth, their eyes couldn’t see what really had befallen those who foolish enough to harm the forest. Pixies, Fairies, Sylphs and Sprites inhabited the forest, and although they didn’t always get along, they did managed to put aside their differences and defend the forest from would be invaders.

Merienda was an energetic little thing, like most Pixies. Her looks was considered to be very alluring, even among the pixies who were all pleasant to look at, anyone who laid eyes upon her would testify to her charming face. Pixies had very unique faces that had colored eye lids as if they were wearing makeup, but in fact their distinct eyelids were all natural, which varied from a great spectrum that human eyes could were not equipped to see the full range. Merienda had blue eye lids that matched her pupils and fit butterfly wings. She also had sleek yet short winnowed blue hair. Standing up to a length of 11 inches, living under roots of a mighty tree like most Pixies, but even so, she wasn’t like other pixies. She led a secret life having sworn duty to a secret society of noble assassins. They would never kill for personal gain; but for the sake of the forest and followed a strict code of honor. The society also transcended race, allowing anyone who could follow the virtues of the society’s creed to join. Although the name of the secret society was rarely ever spoken, it was called the Order of the Lyonia.

On this day Merienda was reading the poems of long dead Lyonia warriors at her master’s library. It was custom to read the poems of members who lived along ago to remember the values of the society. Finishing one scroll and replacing it with another she placed her new scroll on the desk and rolled it. This scroll was written by someone named Yngvar very unique handwriting which made Merienda very fascinated. The poems read;

*** The caves have little concern for the seasons;

Its habitants sleep by day and fly by night for natural reasons,

They fly over the algae which refresh the air as much as the trees,

Green but murky it receives nothing but teases,

No recognition… ***

Merienda scratched her head wondering what the poem meant.

“What are you doing with that scroll!?” a voice behind her billowed with anger.

Merienda turned around and saw it was her master staring angrily at her. He was approaching his second century of age but still had a spry in his step. Pixies, even with their longevity became wrinkled and worn. He had fading brown hair but Pixie hair refused to ever turn completely white.

“I told you to read the scrolls in order! Why have you skipped ahead!?” he asked with a stern tone.

“But master, I have been reading them in order, that was the one which was next…” she explained.

Her master was taken back and looked at the shelf noticing she was right.

“My, my, I can hardly believe it…time passes too quickly…” he said trying to humble himself.

“Master Treta, who is Yngvar?” Merienda asked.

“Oh, where do I even begin… Yngvar was a great warrior who could have lead the Order of the Lyonia if history played out a little differently…He was one of the greatest ninjas the society has ever seen.”

“So what happened?” Merienda asked curiously.

“Well you see Yngvar was a Puck who had to make a very difficult decision…”

Merienda was shocked by the identity of very person she read about.

“A Puck!? How is possible!?” she exclaimed.

Pucks were creatures similar in stature to Pixies that lived beyond the Forest of Caramelo, dwelling within the caves to the east. They had bat like wings and thirsted for blood making them unwelcomed in the forest.

“Yes, yes, it’s been over hundred years since a Puck was in the Order of the Lyonia… you see times were different back then…sit down and let me explain…”

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42 Reviews

Points: 553
Reviews: 42

Sun May 19, 2013 3:16 am
DannieInkblotHanson wrote a review...

This is surely the makings of a good little tale. I like it.
Here are some things I thought of.
I like the name scheme. They're all appropriately fairy-like and that's good.
The intro was really well-written and it sounded much like some old legend thingie.
Other things:
There were a couple of past/present tense issues going on, but those are easily fixable.
The title was slightly misleading because it connotes a bit of humor and this is sorta shaping up to be a slightly serious story. Also, ninjitsu is a strictly Japanese art, even though nowadays it sorta innacurately means crazy-good-at-any-sort-of-fighting. Is she an actual ninja? If she is, that's super cool, but you should probably specify that sooner in the story.
For those Shakespeare fans, the name Puck has positive connotations because he was the protagonist and comedy relief character in Midsummer, so I was kinda sad that Pucks are a bad thing in your story.
Good cliffhanger! Shaping up to be a good little thing you're doing!

Oh yes I was trying to make a lighthearted story for kids but um it turned out a more dark than that. Not too dark but it lacked humor and Im not sure how I can add bits of humor into it.

Well you're going to define a ninja as someone that is Japanese then no she would not be a ninja. She is the a ninja mostly in the sense of being a stealthy assassin.

From what I read from wikipedia and Pucks are mischievous creatures.

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93 Reviews

Points: 5000
Reviews: 93

Sun May 19, 2013 3:10 am
HopelessAbandon wrote a review...

Hi! Back for another review :) I'm gonna go in depth again, since this is a pretty short submission!

"tamers of nature but there was a": comma after "nature"
"But in truth their": comma after "truth"
"Sylphs and Sprites habited": I think you meant "inhabited"
"habited the forest and although they didn’t": comma after "forest"
"always get along they manage": comma after "along", also should be "managed"
"energetic little thing like most Pixies.": comma after "thing"
" Hers looks was considered": Should be her look.
"considered to be very alluring even among the pixies who were all pleasant to look at, anyone who laid eyes upon her would testify to her charming face.": comma after "alluring", "pixies"
"very unique faces what had colored eye lids": I'm not sure what the "what" is doing in there or if it's supposed to be a different word or something...?
"which reaches her elbows": Don't switch to present! :)
"Standing up to a length of 11 inches she looked like most Pixies her age even so she wasn’t like other pixies" : Comma after "inches", semi-colon after "age", comma after "so"
"never kill for personal gain but for the" : comma after "gain"
" rarely ever spoken it was called the": comma after "spoken"
Third Paragraph: Watch the word "scroll" make sure that you don't over use it.
""He was one of the greatest ninja": "ninjas"

Alright, overall, just watch the comma's. Try to read your work out loud, and when you pause in a sentence, that usually means a comma should be there. Better to have too many commas than not enough. :) Also, lay off the ellipses in speech. Using them once or twice is okay, but usually putting a period there works for the same kind of effect you seem to be trying to create.
Another great beginning though! Can't wait to read more, this idea has a ton of potential to be awesome. I like the idea of the Pucks, and the poem really spiked my interest.
Let me know if you've got any questions! :D

"" Hers looks was considered": Should be her look. "

I think it should be her looks not her look.

Commas are the bane of my existence but Ill do more proof reading before next time I post.

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43 Reviews

Points: 368
Reviews: 43

Sun May 19, 2013 1:08 am
DragonGirl11 wrote a review...

Hello freezingwreck! I'm DragonGirl11, and I'm here to review your chapter! I like the concept, and I look forward to seeing it continue. Most of the suggestions I have for you today are simply typos, but hey - someone has to catch these things, right? However, I would like to see a few more commas, to break up the sentences a little more, and in general let it flow just a little more naturally.

those who were foolish enough
Oops, left a word out.
unique faces what had colored eye lids
Don't you mean that?
looked at the shelf
Typo! Left out a letter here.
one of the greatest ninjas
Another left out letter :)
Merienda was a bit taken back
Two things here: one, I believe the correct phrase is "taken aback", and two, you used this phrase a couple paragraphs ago. To avoid repetition, maybe try shocked, aghast, or astounded.
[quote]since a Punk was in the Order of the Lyonia[/color] a Puck ;)

Other than that, the formatting after the poem makes it a little hard to see where the poem ends and you go back to the present. This might be easier to fix in your own file than on YWS, of course, but even lengthening the paragraph right after, so it takes up two lines, would be a big help.

My favourite part of this would have to be your descriptions. You managed to set up the scene, describing everything important without info dumping. It certainly helped that you started with the whole forest, then narrowed to the Pixie race, then further narrowed to focus on just Merienda. I liked your made-up names, too, they're just right! Also, the shoutout to Shakespeare with the race called Pucks is pretty cool.

So yeah, that's all I got. Any questions or anything, feel free to message me. :)
Write on, and God bless!

Thank you for your I updated it and made many fixes.

Yes I intended the poem twice in Microsoft Word but YWS made it go to one intend.

okay I think I need to grab some nachos
— BluesClues