Steam Pirates (updated to version 1.1!)

by freezingwreck

Published May 16, 2013

12+ Language Violence

In fantasy works

PreviousNext

Steam Pirates
In the bustling harbor city of Pescado, an orphan girl took a solitary break at a cold, damp, quiet alley. Just over the age fifteen, the brown hair girl crouched herself into a ball, all alone she curled up to keep herself warm from the chilly ocean breeze. Her family tragically dwindled in size from a noxious disease that swept the land. Her family shrunk down to only her father and herself, until events beyond her understanding lead to the sudden disappearance of her father leaving her to live life on the streets. Wanting to rest her eyes she turned her head and laid it on her knees, she then closed her eyes and reminisced back when she had a home.
The little girl named Cordelia remembered back when it was she lived with just her father. Even though her family lost many members, Cordelia remembered he time living in loft apartment with her father as a happy time. She was just a baby when her mother passed away, and had no memories of her, but she was the spitting image of her late mother. She was a very kind woman who loved the sea, and for more reasons than the pleasant gaze it gave. She cared for the life that dwelt beneath the surface, from the scampering glowing fish to the near lifeless pants, all which she studied like a scientist. Cordelia had photographs of mother and the many notes she left behind about the ocean, which gave Cordelia peace of mind knowing she could at least keep her mother’s thoughts alive by reading them.
Her father was a brilliant tinkerer. Gifted in the field of machinery, he constructed automated puppets, which varied from lumbering dragons to lanky humanoids, and even more impressive was the full range of motion his puppets were capable of. His machine puppets performed entire plays without a single human actor. Even so they all mere mindless automatons, but he dreamt of a day when his automatons could move by their own admission. Cordelia show great aptitude for machinery as well, which her father recognized. He taught her a great deal before his disappearance.
Although her father was gifted in gears was much less adapt in electricity. Cordelia knew he’d never make an auto-puppet awaken with just gears. From reading her mother’s notes, Cordelia knew of a plant like organism which gave off electricity and curiously behaved in a way which indicated thought. She managed to find a sample of the rare electric sea moss. Reviewing her mother notes she found everything her mother wrote about the rare plant was true. It surged with electricity and gave pulses of current to defend itself. Cordelia pondered if she could give this quiescent creature a body.
On the day of her father’s disappearance, Cordelia was at work on her favorite auto-puppet which she and her father had made. She spent more time with it then she did with children her own age. The clanking auto-puppet was affectionately called Cheche and was a peculiar thing. It was not of a person or even anything like nature had to offer. It was more insect like than anything else however, resembling a ladybug, but could also roll into a ball like a pill bug. Cordelia kept the puppet unpainted; still it had a bit of variation in color with bronze wings, a copper body and silver legs, six in all. Being most familiar with this automaton she thought she could give her sea moss a host to move freely. Cordelia constructed a special chamber which could conduct the plants energy and let it follow through the body of the auto puppet. Once fastened the puppet spurted up shaking, fumbling about like a careless baby. But just under a minute it was on its feet and finally began walk on its own! Cordelia jumped for joy wanting to show her father her success right way, but he never came home that day. And when odd men came to seize her only home Cordelia fled.
Remembering her past brought a tear down her eye, which rolled down the side of her face and onto her knee. Sad and alone until she started hearing a buzzing sound over her head. Cordelia opened her eyes once again and sat up looking towards the source of the noise.
“Cheche! What did you bring me this time?” she asked with excitement.
The hovering autonomous bot open its compartment and out dropped half a dozen tostones on her lap. She smiled and practically inhaled the fresh batch of fried plantains into her mouth. Cheche landed at her feet and rolled into a ball spinning around for her amusement. Cheche was her only companion, having helped her survive live on the streets for over a year. The bugbot was as loyal as a dog and twice as smart, who would never let Cordelia down.
Cordelia got up giggling at Cheche’s playfulness.
“Silly thing.” she teased.
“HALT!” someone behind her exclaimed. She turned around and saw three constables each branding a baton.
“You better not run! It’s off the the orphanage with you!” the tallest one commanded. Cordelia knew the orphanage was hardly better than a prison, solely used as a way to keep the poor out of sight. She ran down the alley with Cheche flying above her. The constables didn’t take kindly to runners which made their duty harder. They chased after her catching up quickly. Once the lead officer caught up to her he grabbed for her hair bringing her to a  stop.
“OOW! LET ME GO!” she yelped.
Cheche wasnt going to allow anyone touch his owner. He aligned body to the officer and dashed toward him, expelling a trail of steam out his exhaust pipes. Cheche rammed his body on the officer’s chest knocking him to the ground.
“What the hell is that!?” another officer exclaimed.
The braver of the two remaining officers swung his baton at the bugbot knocking it out of flight.
“You and your little pet here are really in for it now! I think we should skip the orphanage and put you off the streets for good ourselves!” the brutish officer said. He raised his baton to strike her, when suddenly an iron fist from flew into his face, knocking out some of his teeth. The iron fist dropped to the ground but it was connected to a long line of fiber which trailed a bit of ways back down the alley. A young man stepped forward walking slowly toward the lot. The line from the iron fist was tethered to a young man’s elbow, which he quickly recalled zipping back to his body.
“Argh it’s you, Frasco Valor! How dare you show your face here again!” the third officer yelled billowing with anger. He exchanged his baton for a sword that he also carried. Charging at the man he engaged him, swinging with all his strength, but the rapscallion easily dodged the strike and knocked the officer down with a swing of his elbow.
The young man had wavy black hair and wore brown brigandine. His left arm was completely mechanical going all the way up to his shoulder. He casually walked over the unconscious body of the officer he just defeated and greeted the poor girl.
“Running away from the constabulary? Now, say why a girl like you be running away from the law?” the aberrant young man asked.
“I didnt want me to take me away to the orphanage. I’ve heard unpleasant things about that place.” she explained.
“Oh I see, so you’ve lost your parents?”
“Yes, I’ve been living on the streets for the past year with only Cheche to keep me company.” she said.
Cheche sprung back up and flew onto of Cordelia’s head.
“Bzzbzzbabazzzzzz” Cheche said in his own unique langauge.
“Now, now Cheche, he just helped us.” Cordelia responded understanding some of Cheche’s mutterings.
The young man stood in amazement of the metal creature.
“Now what is this then?” he said pointing at the girl’s companion.
“This is Cheche, my father and I made him...” she said halfheartedly.
“You made him!? But it moves on its own!” he exclaimed.
“I know, he’s mostly metal but he’s very smart. Watch him to a trick!” she said.
To this the bugbot sprung up and rolled into a ball.
“Wow impressive! It recognizes your commands”
“Yes, naturally” she said quite proud of herself.
As the two were chatting, the three officers rose to their feet and one drew a pistol. Frasco catches him at the corner of his eye, he turned toward him as he fired. Reacting quickly the young Frasco blocked the bullet with his arm just in time, making the bullet ricochet off him. The other two drew their pistols and pointed at the pair.
“Well this is where we say goodbye gents.” the Frasco said picking up Cordelia off her feet. Then a thunderous roar came out of a contraption the man was wearing on his back. The two lifted off into the air and soared above the buildings barely dodging the officers stray bullets.
 

Comments & reviews · 7
HopelessAbandon wrote a review Review · May 29, 2013

Hi! Glad to see you've updated this! I know you mentioned it before, but I haven't had a ton of time to get back to it. :)
Okay, so you've improved this a lot. If I repeat anything I said from before, I'm sorry. I'm gonna do the same type of format, with a few nitpicks, and then overall comments at the end!

into a ball, all alone

This should be a semi-colon.
father leaving her to live

comma after "father"
eyes she turned

comma after "eyes"
remembered he time living

*her
in gears was much less

Comma after "gears" and then add the word in "he" after the comma.
home Cordelia fled.

Comma after "home"
Sad and alone until she

You need a verb and a subject in the beginning of this sentence, such as "She felt"
responded understanding

Comma in-between these two words.
catches him at the corner of his eye

Make sure you stay in past tense, so catches should be "caught"

I really liked the way you transitioned into the flashback! It's a lot better than before, and works well for the overall flow. :) The added detail to it was awesome!
Also, make sure you try not to repeat the same word in the same sentence, or even paragraph. It can sound redundant, unless of course, there are no good synonyms. Or synonyms that your character would use.
This was a lot better! Can't wait to read more!! :)
~Hope

User avatar
lovelysayshi
Comment
lovelysayshi commented Comment · May 18, 2013

Over-all this writing was wonderfully written, though there were a few things that caught me off-guard. First of all, you left off commas in quite a few places, you could probably fix that easily within a few minutes. Secondly, the first two paragraphs were a bit confusing, you started off with one little girl and immediately went to another. Maybe you could use time frames or breaks before paragraphs for this style of writing. (:

No they are the same girl. It starts with the girl and then there is a bit of a flashback thing going on then it goes back to the present.

HopelessAbandon wrote a review Review · May 18, 2013

Hey! You reviewed a section of my writing, so I thought I'd return the favor to say thanks! I go through and make comments about stuff as I go, and then make overall comments. :)

"Just over the age fifteen the brown hair girl" : Add a comma after "fifteen"
"ball, all alone scrunching": Comma after "all alone"
"from an noxious disease": "a" noxious disease
"Down to only": This is fragmented, maybe try "She was down to only" or something.
"her father leaving her to live life on the streets": comma after "father"
"her knees closing": Comma after "knees"
"The little girl named Cordelia was a happy girl" : Don't repeat girl :)
"memories of her but she was": comma after "her"
"surface which she studied like a scientist": comma after surface
" the ocean which gave Cordelia peace of mind knowing she ": comma after "ocean" and "mind"
"Her father was a brilliant tinkerer": You might want to start a new paragraph here since you're switching the subject.
"field of machinery he constructed": comma after "machinery"
"automatons but he dreamt": comma after "automatons"
"machinery as well which her father": comma after "well"
"gifted in gears was much less": comma after "gears" and I think you forgot a word after this maybe "he"?
"awaken which just gears": I think you meant "with" instead of "which"
"Reviewing her mother notes she found": comma after "notes"
"On the day of her father’s disappearance Cordelia was at work on her": comma after "disappearance"
" was affectionately called Cheche was a peculiar thing": need the word "and" or something after "Cheche"
"It was more insect like than anything else however, mostly looking like a ladybug but could also roll into a ball like a pill bug.": This sentence is a little awkward, you might want to try restructuring it.
"this automaton she thought she could give": comma after "automaton"
"follow through it body she found": "it" should be "its" and comma after "body"
"her father but he never": comma after "father"
"And when odd men can to seize her only home Cordelia fled": "can" should be "came" and comma after "home"
"Hearing a buzzing sound over her head Cordelia opened": comma after "head"
"Cheche was her only companion having helped": comma after "companion"
"after her catching up quickly and they didn’t take kindly to runners.": comma after "quickly" and a quick suggestion would be to change one of the verbs of "ran" in this paragraph to something else. :)
"young man arm": "young man's arm"
"Now say why a girl like you be running away from the law?": this sentence is kind of confusing, I wasn't sure exactly what you were intending to say here.
"“Now, now Cheche he just helped us."Cordelia responded understanding some of Cheche’s mutterings.": comma after "Cheche" and "responded"
“Yes naturally”: comma after "yes"
"Just catches him at the corner of his eye the man turned to him as he fired": This sentence was confusing as well.
"officers sway bullets.": did you mean stray?

Overall:
This was great! Sorry I was so nit-picky, mostly the issues I saw had to do with commas. I like the idea that you have with the automaton, and the background you had. The sea moss was really creative, and you've got good character development here. Just fix some of the grammar mistakes and confusing sentences, and you'll have a decent start!
One last thing, you switch from present tense, (after your narrator comes out of remembering) to past. You've got to decide which you'd like to use and then try to be consistent with it. :)
Just let me know if you've got any questions! :D

I believe I fixed everything. I added the commas, fixed the spelling, I made the flash back more clear and the way it goes back to the present too.

Awesome! I'm rereading this, and I'm gonna do another little mini review again, just for a couple things I noticed this second time around!

User avatar
freezingwreck
Comment
freezingwreck commented Comment · May 17, 2013

User avatar
freezingwreck
Comment
freezingwreck commented Comment · May 17, 2013

DannieInkblotHanson wrote a review Review · May 17, 2013

This is the makings of a good little story! Here are some things I wrote for you.
Good:
I like the whole automaton thing! It was super quirky and fun.
Good establishment of the relationship between her and her parents. Including stuff about their past was a good choice.
Other things:
There were a lot of grammatical errors, especially in the regard of comma placement. It made the flow of a few of the sentences a little choppy.
What's the name of the guy?
You should describe his contraption some more; I was really curious about it.
The problem with having the constable be the bad guy was I didn't know if the law system was corrupted or just those cops. Maybe you could explain more about the actual city and the way that it runs.
I'm looking forward to more steampunky awesomeness!

I updated it flixing a lot of mistakes. I added a name for ya. I fixed up the part about his arm a little. Yes I plan of writing more things about the way the city works and such later.

User avatar
happyslappy13
Review
happyslappy13 wrote a review Review · May 17, 2013

Exciting! Magnificent! Spectacular! You have captivated by attention, interest, and mind. Above all, you have fed my hunger for action. One recommendation, though, is not to have the entire thing in bold. I have found this to be a problem for me and it actually happened to me before, so just go back and change that would be my suggestion. But, if you like it that way, it's cool with me.

One thing that slightly confused me was the descriptions in the first paragraph. The sentence order for some of it was unclear; I had to go over it a few times to catch the meaning. There were some commas missing in certain places, and other areas where the sentences seemed reversed. So just go over that as you wish.

Keep up the fantasticalmazing work!
Peace out!

I copied and pasted the whole thing from google docs and it wasnt bold when i submitted it. And when im in edit mode the bold button seems to be fighting me to change it back to regular font.



Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing.
— Sylvia Plath