Brave Girl
The father helped the girl down from their cart. The wind caught loose strands of the girl’s light brown hair as she turned to face her father.
“A year, Thren,” her father promised, taking her hand in his, “I’ll be back for you in a year. I promise you. And I’ll miss you so much,” Thren nodded.
“And then everything will be fine,” she said with the belief only a helpless child can muster, “we’ll be safe. And happy.” The man smiled at his daughter and tucked a stray strand from the girl’s messy braid behind her ear.
“That’s my brave girl,” he said, “just keep on being brave like that, and the year will seem a very short amount of time.”
“I love you, Daddy,” she said, wrapping her small arms around his neck.
“I love you too,” he said, “I love you so much. So, so, so much.” The girl hesitated, taking a deep breath. She was about to dive into uncharted waters, and she knew that. Even at the age of four, she knew how fickle time could be: how hours could stretch to feel like days, weeks, years. She knew it would feel like a thousand life-times before she hugged her father again. So she hugged him an extra moment, then pulled away and took his hand. Together, they walked past the sign reading Ms. Quilf’s Home for Forgotten Children and through the small cottage’s door.
When the father left, he walked alone.
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,853 Reviews
Here to review. You have a couple times where you put a comma instead of a period. Here for example are a few:
“A year, Thren,” her father promised, taking her hand in his, “I’ll be back for you in a year. I promise you. And I’ll miss you so much,” Thren nodded.
After in his, you need a period, because the sentence is over. Sorry, not like you don't know that a period ends a sentence. anyway, just re-read and you'll find a couple of those.
I love your opening paragraph. This story seems really good already.
Keep it up!
The truth is that this needs a little bit more work. When reading it, i couldn't help but feel slightly confused, not by the story line but by the wordings. For a second, i decided to believe that this was the first draft in which case i think you should beta it. But anyway, keep writing.
Your main problem is pronoun usage:
"The father helped the girl down from their cart. The wind caught loose strands of the girl’s light brown hair as she turned to face her father."
"the girl's" "her father" are both excess, cut them with "her's" and "him", there's some excess throughout this, and it harkens of lazy writing. The premise seems very interesting though, i like the snapshot sort of thing you are working with - ya, minimalize the whole fantasy thing, I LIKE THAT IDEA