z

Young Writers Society



Poison of the mind: Part 1

by cm57105


PART 1

The boy turned around quickly, his feral eyes narrowing on Riley. Riley smirked widely, shifting the bow in his hands. The boy, who was twelve or thirteen, looked at him angrily.
"Riley?" He murmured, cautious as ever. Riley smiled warmly, his death would be quick.
"It's me Sanjiv, Riley Dayleson." Sanjiv had been there when the BluePeople had come for his parents, he had fed information to them about there whereabouts. His death would be sweet.
Sanjiv's expression hardened as if he knew of Riley's motives.
"Pretty boy, not welcome." His speech was surprisingly smooth for someone of his kind, not rough at all.
Riley had to speed this up and he knew how. It was risky but it would also give him some time to fire. He peeled his shirt sleeve back, exposing the sign of the extinct tribe, the Dãmakuns. The tribe he used to belong to, until they where hunted to extinction. That would teach Sanjiv about how innocent he was, Riley despised him for having pity on him. He was a worthless brat of the BluePeople, who had betrayed Riley and given him a false sense of safety are his parents had died.
Sanjiv reacted quicker than he thought he would, scowling and flicking a knife up into his hand. He threw the knife the same time Riley fired his bow. The knife thudded into Riley's leg. He howled, dropping down onto the ground as burning waves of pain and nausea shouted through his body. Blood spurted onto the ground. He looked up into the other boys eyes.
The arrowhead had buried deep inside the boy's chest, spreading blood like a wildfire. He looked down at it; surprised. Then his face turned deathly pale, the rings around his eyes looking like hollow caves.
"You shot me." He said, as if he begged Riley to say it was all a joke, or that he was hallucinating. But he knew that the damage was done and as he dropped to the ground one word passed his frozen lips.
"Thalia."
Riley snorted painfully and with a sweep of his thin hand he had notched another arrow into his bow, this time leaving a jagged and messy hole in his throat. The boy was beyond caring though, his tawny eyes blank and lifeless.
Riley grabbed his pack, dumping the unnecessary items and adding the food and weapons to his meagre pack. An elegant green pendant was fashioned around his neck and he swiped that too. His leg was a bloody mess, a strange stench coming from it. The pain was unbearable, but he had to get home to the medical kit.
---
Riley's base was up a tree, nestling in between the higher canopy and the lower bush. It was a structure of tree trunks woven with branches to resemble a crude but affective hut, completely camouflaged from the ground and the sky.
Secure as hell.
The hut was surprisingly comfortable considering it had little light or heat. Sunlight filtered in through a window which could be covered by a screen when it rained, so the dusk light filtered in dimly. There was cooked and raw animal parts on one of the three shelves, looking hauntingly down on Riley. The other shelves where filled with skins of water, old books, leaves and herbs and strange items that looked like shrunken heads.
"It's now or never, buddy." Riley whispered to himself, pushing his choppy black hair out of his face. Sweat dripped from Riley's pinched face. The pain was unbearable. His shadowed blue eyes hissed like a wounded cat when he looked down at the wound on his leg. The wound was bad enough, a jagged bloody wound deep enough to see the bone. But green liquid dripped from the knife as Riley pulled it out, burning like acid. It ate into the flesh, leaving nothing but blood.
It was poison.
Already his vision was darkening, his balance becoming so sickeningly horrible that he crashed into the shelves trying to get to the herbs. His hands snatched at empty air as he tumbled into the sharp edges of the shelves. Like an uppercut from a frightful bully the corner pounded into his jaw. Blood seemed to pour from everywhere, his eyes, nose, mouth and even ears. He was unconscious before he knew it.
---
"Ry! The Blue one's are coming!" Ellie screeched, her voice unbearably high. Her worried face, with the black hair, blue eyes and high cheekbones almost identical to his appeared before him. In a split second he realized it wasn't a joke and grabbed Ellie's hand and pounded down the stairs to the front of the house.
Mum and dad where there and so where the blue ones. It took twelve year old Riley's brain and five year old Ellie's brain a while to comprehend there parents mutilated bodies on the ground. Why was mum's arm like that? Why was day's head misshapen? Blood matted the grass around the corpses, for how could they still be alive? And Riley paled, his handsome face suddenly looking hollow and empty.
There where two men laughing next to them. They where bald and muscly, wearing identical faces painted blue. Blood and gore matted spears where held in their capable grasp. Thankfully they hadn't seen or heard them and Riley tried to pull Ellie's hollow body under the patio, into the narrow space full of weeds.
But Ellie wasn't quick enough, she was still out in the open when the men turned around. Ellie had screamed herself hoarse as they came towards her, and Riley still lay in the shadows, his eyes hollow, not comprehending the brutal murder of his sister.
They still hadn't seen Riley; but he was beyond caring. He had just seen his father, mother and sister murdered in front of his eyes.
And he hadn't done a thing.


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Sun May 26, 2013 2:58 am
SushiSashimi333 wrote a review...



he had fed information to them about there whereabouts.
So in this sentence bit you accidentally used the wrong "there". Sorry to be knit picky but thought you might like to know.
In this story it was a little unclear who was doing what and from whose point of view this story was written from. Is this was Sanjiv sees and thinks or Riley?
The arrowhead had buried deep inside the boy's chest, spreading blood like a wildfire. He looked down at it; surprised. Then his face turned deathly pale, the rings around his eyes looking like hollow caves.
I thought that this was a wonderful description. Very nicely done with how it spread, how the boy reacted and what he looked like after.
An elegant green pendant was fashioned around his neck and he swiped that too. His leg was a bloody mess, a strange stench coming from it.
Here you need to be clear who is who again. The only reason I knew you weren't describing Riley as having a green pendant was because I didn't think he would swipe his own belongings.
Mum and dad were there and so where the blue ones.

Why was dad's head misshapen?

And Riley paled, his handsome face suddenly looking hollow and empty.
Just as a future hint, starting sentences with conjunctions is not a good idea. It's not good grammatically or flowishly.
Now onto the plot! I really liked this story. The description was wonderful and the plot is interesting. It raises questions but not too many so that it might bother someone. Who are the BluePeople and what are they like? It took me a little while to understand that after he fainted he was having a flashback, I understand being clear about that would be difficult, but otherwise some of your other readers might get confused. I can't wait to see what happens next and who Riley really is!




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Sun May 26, 2013 12:25 am
Tabithalillian wrote a review...



Hi there! Happy review day! Well I reviewed part two before I read part one and here I am! I won't be doing much grammar this time mostly story based things. I want to start off with how much stronger this piece was than part two. It started off with action that grabbed my attention. The action also peaked my curiosity about the story. The only thing about the beginning of the story was, it was a little confusing. Who is the main character? Who is going to kill who and why? We eventually figure this out as we read more into the story but at first it is very disorienting.

Riley smiled warmly, his death would be quick.

Smiling warmly almost connotes that Riley is happy to see his enemy. It gives this section of the writing this kind of warm and kind "old friend" feel that I really dont think it is supposed to have. Riley is obviously plotting this boys death and I think his smile is not so much warm as cruel? Hard? Cold?? Cunning? I just think some other adjectives could be better in place of "warmly".

I think the character of Sanjiv is more developed than even Rileys. It sounds odd because we se so little of him in this introduction but I get a feel for what kind of person he is by the way he talks and moves, even by his choice of weapon and how you described him. This is a great example of how even when you describe someone briefly it can be more strong and give a more clear depiction of their character. At this point Riley seems kind of white washed and plain. We don't get much of description of him or his life and his personality suffers as a result of that. Granted, this is only part one. But still the reader should feel some kind of draw towards the main character in the first part so that it grabs them the way the action in the very beginning grabbed me. Beefing up your descriptions of Riley could help reveal his character more too.

Okay so your middle part is actually quite good, story wise it's pretty strong and picked up my interest again for the most part.

Blood and gore matted spears where held in their capable grasp.

Okay so another phrasing here that just didn't sound quite right to me. So something about gore matted spears sounds weird when I read it in my head, even when I read it out loud. Maybe the spears are soaked or saturated with blood? Or caked in gore? The use of the word gore also just seems pretty cliche to me. Because we all know what gore is but really, what is it? It's just a word to describe gross human matter and I think we hear it all too much, especially in this age of zombie shows! :) Also something about describing these bluepeople's grasps as capable falls to the same fault as describing Riley smiling warmly earlier. It makes them seem kind of strong and trustworthy? I dont know if that is just me. Maybe their grasps are menacing or even skilled? I just think capable sounds too trustworthy and warm.

Back to what I said earlier, your beginning was great and I think you could continue that throughout your piece! You've got the skills!




cm57105 says...


Thanks! This review was really helpful, I look forward to, reading some of your pieces!



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Mon May 06, 2013 10:49 am
Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there! Noelle here to review as requested :)

Here are a few nitpicks:

Riley's base was up a tree, nestling nestled in between the higher canopy and the lower bush.


Her worried face, with the black hair, blue eyes and high cheekbones, was almost identical to his appeared before him.


Why was day's head misshapen?

*Dad's not day's

They where bald and muscly, wearing identical faces painted blue.

*were not where

Content:
Sunlight filtered in through a window which could be covered by a screen when it rained, so the dusk light filtered in dimly.

*you should probably get rid of one of the filtereds. Its fine to use it once, but twice in the same sentence is repetitive. And this sentence could be written better. I mean, it's good now, but I feel like it should really be two sentences instead of one. I'm not really sure where you should split it to be honest, but I think it would be better split.

Okay, so I'd like to say that the ending is absolutely wonderful. Those last two paragraphs are so powerful. You chose the right words and sometimes that's all you need. I really enjoy the flashback here where he is thinking back on how his parents and sister died. You really dig into his character at that point and give us a good idea of who he is under pressure (which shows that he isn't very good apparently).

One thing I'd like to mention is the poison from the blade. Why is it that he only starts feeling the effects of the poison when he pulls the blade from his leg? Wouldn't the poison start to affect him the second it punctures his skin? Just something I noticed.

Overall I really enjoyed reading this. Feel free to ask me for another review when part 2 is up.

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




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Sun May 05, 2013 4:05 am
Paracosm wrote a review...



Hey there CM! You do an excellent job crafting visceral action. This piece was very well written. Before I get into my thoughts on the story, here are the typos that I noticed.

His speech was surprisingly smooth for someone of his kind, not rough at all. Riley sighed, showing him the bandana he wore around his wrist with the mark of the GreenDragon.

This may not actually be a typo, but I thought I'd point it out. You don't have to capitalize the 'D' in the middle of the word.

It was a structure of tree trunks woven with branches to resemble a crude but affective hut, completely camouflaged from the ground and the sky.

Affective should be effective. Also, I think 'woven into a crude but effective hut,' would sound better than 'woven to resemble'. It was woven into a hut to serve as shelter, and not as a sort of model. That's pretty nit-picky though!

"Ry! The Blue one's are coming!"

'Blue Ones', since this is a title. You can also leave out the apostrophe since this isn't showing ownership.

Blood and gore matted spears where held in their capable grasp.

'Where' should be 'were'.

Other than that, this looks good to me!

Okay, into the actual story line. I enjoyed reading it, you do a good job making it driving. However, you also raise a lot of questions. I'm not going to harp on this since this story isn't standalone, and I expect more to come. However, make sure you answer every question you raise. Give this a read through and ask yourself, 'If I have never heard of this story until now, could this make sense?"

Keep up the good work CM!




cm57105 says...


Part 2 is up!

work.php?id=101521



cm57105 says...


Part 2 is up!

work.php?id=101521



cm57105 says...


Part 2 is up!

work.php?id=101521



cm57105 says...


Part 2 is up!

work.php?id=101521



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Sun May 05, 2013 12:10 am
rwalgren wrote a review...



Hey. "their parents" not there parents. and "Mum and dad were there" not where there. I don't understand how Ellie the five year old would take control and push Riley under the patio, but wait you said, "Ellie pulled..." which means she was already crouched down and under there so it makes no sense that she was seen. To make it more realistic Ellie, being five, would have seen the bad guys, screamed, called out for Riley then crawled under the patio too. Five year olds don't understand self sacrifice. But I really like Riley so far I hope the poison doesn't just kill him and that's the end of the story.




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Sat May 04, 2013 6:01 pm
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Jony wrote a review...



Hi! Since your the first person to have requested a review on my thread, I'm going to try my best to make this a great review.

First off I'm going to say that you could expand more in the introduction, I felt that it didn't give enough information to the reader to make them relate or become interested in your character. I would suggest telling us the significance of the mark of the green dragon, it will also help tell us why the feral boy freaked out when he saw it. Also I think you could make the dialogue between the characters longer and more intense, to help the readers see Riley's personality and how he interacts with other characters. The feral boy seemed surprised when Riley shot him, but why? Did they have a history with each other? I also think that the transition from showing the mark and getting stabbed in the leg was too anticlimactic, you could flesh this out and make more intense or even make it so RIley almost deserves getting stabbed in the leg, try to tie this in with the dialogue.

Now I'm going to go into suggestions about word choice. In the second paragraph, you say he made the signs of death over his hollow chest, but I think that isn't necessarily the best word you could use to describe him. I would suggest bare or something along the lines of describing what his chest looked like instead of hollow because I couldn't really visualise him with a hollow chest.

I think that the transition from being stabbed in the leg and firing the bow should be slower, I think it should describe the pain being felt by Riley as his flesh is being torn apart and foreshadow about the acid. It would make the scene a lot more full of action and would help the readers visualise and make connections to your character. Then he has to gather the strength to fire the bow, even though the pain is eating away at his insides before the feral boy attacks him again, and go into detail with this. Talk about his pounding heart, the sweat dripping of his forehead, the pain in his leg. Make the stakes so high that the readers are on the edge of their seats waiting to see what happens next. Talk about the feral boy slowly stalking towards him, the intent to kill in his eyes and right as he gets above Riley to finish him off, Riley finally summons enough willpower and strength to fire the bow. It would make this scene so much more suspenseful and would hook your reads into wanting to read more.

In the third paragraph, instead of just grabbing items like they were useless, try making them worth while, high risk high reward. And is there any significance behind the pendant that Riley grabbed from the boy? If so then expand into it, maybe make it the whole reason why Riley confronted the boy in the first place, like I said high risk, high reward. Also by doing this it will give the reader another reason to read on, they would want to know more about the pendant if you give some more information about it.

I think that when the feral boy mutters "Thalia" in his last dying breaths, you should put more meaning behind that, who was Thalia? Why did the feral boy choose to utter her name in his last dying breath? Make it so maybe the readers almost feel sorry for the boy as they read about the feral boys past with Thalia. Try to connect this to why he hates the mark that Riley showed him also.

I think that when he gets back to the hut and he needs to get the herbs before he passes out, try to drag this out some more, make it so the reader thinks that he might have a chance to get the herbs before he passes out, make it so the readers want him to get the herbs before he passes out. Explain the importance of why if he doesn't get the herbs something terrible will happen to him. Talk about the intense pain and the beating of his heart, the blood pouring down his leg. Make it so he tries absolutely everything he can to get the herbs, how he even started to crawl on the ground. And how even when he has given it everything he has and he is about to reach up to grab the herbs and the readers are praying that he makes it, quickly take it away from them. They will be even more on the edge of their seat wanting to read about what is going to happen to him without the herbs, how will he make it.

I think that your flash-back was very well written and gave just enough information to the reader that they get to know about his past, but not enough to make them disinterested, in-fact it made me more interested in wanting to know about his past. I have no complaints with the ending. And it gives the readers a glimpse of Riley at his most vulnerable state which is how we connect to him more and become more interested in him as a character.

All in all, it was a great story and I think your a great writer. I hope I helped and I hope you get first place in that contest! Keep me updated if your going to continue this! And I hope you have an awesome day!




cm57105 says...


Thanks heaps! You made my day with this review and I'll be sure to post Part 2 soon :)



cm57105 says...


Thanks heaps! You made my day with this review and I'll be sure to post Part 2 soon :)




I would rather die of passion than of boredom.
— Émile Zola