If you want part 1, copy and paste this link.
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work.php?id=101327
PART 2
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The dark-hared boy had faired fairly well, considering the severity of the poison inside his body. By the looks of him he was about fifteen, lean yet muscular. There had been a bandage around his wrist with the symbol of the Dãmakuns. But Cade had taken that off, the boy would have been killed if he was seen with that on.
The Dãmakuns where an ancient tribe, extinct now. Fearsome warriors and sworn enemies of his own kind, the BluePeople. Vendettas had been sworn, bloodlines destroyed until the power of his kind had eventually diminished them. That symbol stood for everything that the BluePeople didn't. Hope, comfort and loyalty.
Cade Blackwell was just a measly surgeon though, no brilliant warrior like Samuel Farheart. And so, when the boy was treated and stitched, as best as could be, he carried him out the back door, dumping his still body in a clearing nearby. That was kindness in his tribe, usually he would have been killed to save the time. He looked down at the boys body once last time and then closed his eyes.
The environment would take care of him now. Whether that was to kill him or save him, Mother Nature held the reins.
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Cold sunk into his bones, creating an inhumane sense of freeze. Riley felt like if he touched his chest it would shatter. He hadn't the energy to move, the very thought of that sent even more shudders down his body. He had trid to find a spot inside his body where he would be warm, but it was soon invaded by the icy cold. Not even the thought of his mother and father, of poor Ellie, could get him to move.
The energy just wasn't there.
And so, Riley felt his mind become numb, he could feel it seeping in like a disease. The shaped around him where blurred. The cold invaded his eyeballs too, so he had to close his eyes. He was going to die, there was no question about it. Even if his wound was healed, the cold was too strong. The beautiful yet untamable environment was once step ahead of him.
Peace fought the barrage of cold untill it was gone, leaving him feeling empty and isolated. Then it faded. Everything, slowly withering until he knew he was on the brink of death.
He closed his eyed and took the plunge, letting Ellie guide him.
How does cold sink into one's bones and what is the sensation of freeze? Maybe this could be worded a little better so that it was easier to understand what you are trying to say.
This made no sense. Just read it over and you can fix it, probably a brain skip.
This ending left me a little confused, I thought that Ellie was dead. Does that mean that Riley sunk back into unconsciousness? If so then I am curious as to what you do next with the story.
Hi there! Your style is actually nicely developed and pretty mature! I know what I was 13 I definitely did not write like that. This work has a nice flow to it and it did peak my interest enough to keep reading.
They way you are telling the story too interests me and I want to know more about the characters and their world, most specifically the story they want to tell. You are very good at descriptions too. A lot of showing and not just telling the readers. Congrats on that I always find myself needing to beef up my descriptions. So you've got a really original concept that interests me, now lets get down to the critique!
There were a couple of lines that just didn't sit well with me or I thought could have been phrased better.
I think the use of "fair" two times right next to each other sounds a little off in this type of narrative. I think you could cut "fairly" out of all together and make it a more successful sentence.
This sentence seems really long and kind of awkward. Maybe it could be rephrased like this:
" So when the boy was treated and stitched as best he could be, he carried him out. Dumping his body in a clearing nearby."
I get that you are trying to create a unique description here and I think it is semi-successful but every time I come to this sentence I feel like I need to re-read it to make sense of it. The first part "cold sunk into his bones". I believe is a strong sentence and enough description just by itself. You don't want to walk into purple prose and you are right on the boarder. I'm not sure if you have heard of purple prose before (you probably have but I'll still explain just in case!) It's when you start using really overly flowering words and descriptions when you do not need to. It may seem like it is fortifying the writing but it actually takes away from it. Sometimes the most simple description can be the best.
If Riley is numb then how can he feel something seeping in? Just how to phrase this could clear up this issue. Maybe: "Riley felt the numbness seep in like a disease?"
First off, the environment was "one" step ahead of him. Just a simple type-o though! Also maybe the environment is "Beautiful and untamable"?
Your descriptions are good and you've got a lot of them which is a plus. As far as character development you could add a little more to how Riley is reacting to the things happening. You start to touch on that but I feel like it falls short. Nice use of cliffhanger though. I'll definitely tune in for part three!
Thanks, like part 1, your review helped me alot.
I like your style! I really only have a few small things I can point out, but honestly, if you copy and paste your story into a word document you'll be able to see tiny spelling errors and things you haven't picked up on.
There were only a couple things that that really bothered me: "And so, Riley felt his mind become numb, he could feel it seeping in like a disease." Firstly, I don't understand how Riley could have felt something seeping in like a disease if he had become numb, and secondly, I'm not entirely sure what is seeping in, was it the numbness?
"The cold invaded his eyeballs too, so he had to close his eyes." I didn't particularly like how you worded this. The use of eyeballs, and then eyes just seems too repetitive, and it doesn't flow particularly well either. Maybe instead say, He closed his eyes against the bracing cold? I don't know. Actually to be honest, you mightn't even need that sentence to explain the cold, since you go on to explain how strong it is in the next line. Otherwise, why do we need to know that he shut his eyes? It's up to you in any case.
Anyway, I actually enjoyed reading this, the whole fantasy aspect makes it really interesting, and you left this part of the story on a real cliff hanger, I'm interested to see where this is going