Young Writers Society

Hi there lisy, Roxy here!

I think that the Idea you have here is a good one, I just feel that you could have executed a bit better! For example, I feel as if the langage is a bit too, almost laid back I guess, Its like you have to add a bit of electricity to the poem and waken it up, if you get what I mean!

If you vary your language up a bit it'll definatly help! You really shouldnt use "right" twice so close together!

But I do think that you have potential as a writer and that you should definatly keep it up!!
Oh and welcome to YWS!!

Lisy, I understand your message in your poem yet its difficult to follow because it has many fragment and awkward sentences. Also, it seems incomplete, I would of added one more stanza to show what happens when neither party gives in or what stubborness leads to, just to make it more interesting. Good start, keep writing. Hurtado

i like the use of varying sentance lengths. you used alot of "advanced" words something i dont see in works very often. you seem to know what you"re doing and have a very vivid imagination and make it easy for the reader to connect and see what you saw while writing this peice. i didnt see many mistakes, if i saw any at all, but dont take my word for it, im not one who notices that kind of thing alot. but all in all, this is a good peice of writing.

Hi lisy and welcome to YWS! Overall, I think there's a good idea here, but it could use some development.

Yes, there are some spelling and punctuation issues, as the below commenters have pointed out. But I think a bigger problem is that this doesn't feel much like a poem. Granted, poetry can take many forms, but I feel like if you take away the line breaks there's nothing about this that would stand out. Ideally, a poem should express something in a new and interesting way.

I think a way to do this is to be specific. Show us two people fighting. Are they lovers? Friends? Family members? Are they fighting about something trivial or serious? How does the wrong person behave once he/she realizes it? Images help the reader connect with the piece and can help convey something meaningful in a few words.

Some minor things: It's generally a good rule to thumb to punctuate a poem as you would a story. A comma at the end of every line is distracting. Also, if you're going to rhyme, don't use the same word twice. In my opinion, that's lazy.

Once again, welcome to YWS! This is a great place to grow as a writer, and you've got some great ideas. Keep writing!

Hello there here is a me for a review keep in mined that this is for review day so don't expect it to be a big one.

Hopes it helps.

Here you miss spelled Looser in

you don't want seem like the loser.

But realize it sometimes.

Hey there! Well I'll review this piece-by-piece, and then give you a synopsis at the end to try to help you out. Advised corrections are in double brackets.

Being just as stubborn as you [[are]],
[[you]] can't take [[anything]] back[[.]]
you don't want seem like the loser.
But realize it sometimes. < This sentence is too vague as it stands. Perhaps "But you need to realize it sometimes" would be a better statement.

Mosty happens when you love that person, < I honestly don't understand this sentence; it's constructed in a very odd way.
want to make everything right,
you feel down when you know they're right [[ - ]]
that's why you don't want to admit you're wrong.
You want to show them you know best. < Them? Who's "them?" I feel as though this ambiguity doesn't leave much room for the story to interpret itself. It's fine to leave a few things up for interpretation, but as it stands you don't give us much of a chance to imagine, and so this vague and generalized "them" just seems bland, uninteresting, and useless.

Alright, so this poem isn't bad, but I think it could be greatly improved with an injection of creativity. It's very straightforward and as a result gives us little emotional emphasis to cling to. Because your words are in short supply when writing a poem, you want to make sure that every one of them counts. Really make sure that your emotions feed through the poem; increase the sensory appeal and add some emotional impact. This has a lot of potential, but is in desperate need of a creative concept.

If you have any questions, just let me know!

Keep writing, and best wishes. xxx