Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Romantic

E - Everyone

Returning from War

by Rosan


Now that you have returned to me
come and sit by the fire,
tell your tales from across the sea,
play your favorite lyre.
 
I've got a hundred words to say
of sadness and torment
and still a thousand to convey
from love I haven't spent.
 
From letters you failed to recieve,
to calls you didn't get,
since the day you were forced leave,
I wallowed in regret.
 
But now that you've come back at last,
please make me understand
why you appear so pale, aghast.
Why can't I hold your hand?


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
30 Reviews


Points: 423
Reviews: 30

Donate
Tue May 07, 2013 2:06 am
Amberchelli wrote a review...



Wow, i have a special connection with this, my boyfriend went to basic training for a summer and when he came back, he wasn't the same, i especially like the line "I've got a hundred words to say of sadness and torment and still a thousand to convey" I really hope that you can dig a little deeper into your poems, you have so much potential to exploit true emotions, but you seem to have a topical safety. nevertheless, i enjoyed this very much :) please write more and let me know when you do:)




User avatar
1210 Reviews


Points: 29861
Reviews: 1210

Donate
Sun Apr 28, 2013 7:08 am
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi Rosan! Overall, I think this is a great piece that flows well. The last stanza hit especially hard. Rhyming poems are hard to pull off well but I think this works for the most part.

Just a couple things.

tell your tales from across the sea,
play your favorite lyre.


The word lyre really stuck out to me. It feels like it was just thrown in for the rhyme. Plus, since lyres are generally associated with Ancient Greece and aren't around anymore, it needlessly ties the piece to a specific time/place. This gets even weirder since you later say "calls you didn't get", implying a more modern setting. I know it's hard to work within a rhyme scheme, but I suggest taking it.

since the day you were forced leave,
I wallowed in regret.


I think "forced leave" is awkward. I think something like "you had to leave" or "they made you leave" would work better and still fit with the rhythm.

Overall, I think this is sad and powerful. A couple small changes would make it smoother. Good job and keep writing! :)




User avatar
120 Reviews


Points: 2520
Reviews: 120

Donate
Fri Apr 26, 2013 7:51 pm
ladcat13 wrote a review...



This is so sad! I wrote a poem about a soldier who didn't come home and the wife he left, but I think the last stanza in your poem is much more plaintive and sorrowful than my whole poem put together. The only thing is that yours is innocent and hopeful, and mine is more grieving. Mine is also a little detached, like she can't believe he's gone and is still patiently waiting for him to come walking up that path. Yours is more like a puppy happy that he's here, waiting to tell him all about your life since he left and eager to hear his story. I think I like yours better than I like mine :/ :)





Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and the shadows will fall beyond you.
— Walt Whitman