Published April 24, 2013
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137,507 Literary Works • 672,040 Reviews
Hey Kattie! Here for a chop-up review for your piece!
I really like the first few verses. They rock. They kept that steady progression that seems to give an impact if read aloud. Unfortunately, it was broken there, at the final line. The line before that is actually good, but continuing with the final line, you seem not to sure anymore. The tone of defiance became shrill, gone, in fact. Thus it broke the fluidity of the piece. Do check up on that!
I truly love this stanza. I mean, I've been reviewing all day and most of the other poems' problems are coherency and fluidity and all that, but lemme say, this stanza is perfect, for me, coherence-wise. I mean, it flows down easily until day, which is very positive. My only concern is that you add some more embellishments there to make it a more entertaining stanza.
Cliche. Yup, a comment in one word. Well, these line are quite used already, so I do recommend rewriting them!
Oh, look at that! I'm done reviewing! Well, thanks a lot for the wonderful read! Keep writing and good luck!
Yours indefinitely,
Alf
So this poem is something that shows perfectly how things can be very self oriented instead of the outside world. I really loved the opening stanza, it drew me in, made me curious even though your speaker switches from being a pen to a shoulder to nothingness.
Personally I would love to see you go through the poem as just a pen. Be a pen and talk about how some people write truthfully, others write what they think is best, and some people write lies just to scare others off. I think writing as a pen about society and how people lie about themselves, or in your case, for this poem, belittle themselves to avoid other people doing it, would be a great poem! It would be really interesting to see a pen's perspective and most people have used pens even if it is just for school, but some of us still write in diaries. Others have stylist pens. You could do a keyboard too if you wanted to make it something more online oriented.
Basically, I feel like after the third stanza, you lost the goal of the poem and just started talking about the speaker instead of how the speaker deals with things, or what the speaker deals with. I'm more interested in why the speaker is a pen, or is nothingness, than the fatal flaw of the speaker. Also, the breaking away leaves the reader questioning what happened to nothingness, the pen, and the shoulder? How could a pen berate itself? It is a pen.
Not an expert on poetry but here's my thoughts anyways.
I found this to be a very empowering read mixed with a little sad. This has a lot of truths in it that a lot of people can relate too. I didn't find any mistakes to point out which is always a good thing. A dark but enjoyable poem for me that.
Keep up the writing and above all have fun.