z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Justice In the Trenches

by mb1221


JUSTICE IN THE TRENCHES

Grandpa Joe had been lying on the couch beside the fireplace in the small living room, listening to the radio for the updates of the ongoing war. Every morning when he woke up, he had breakfast made up of a cup of sugarless black coffee, a slice of toasted baguette, Omichka cheese and some tomatoes. After breakfast, he always went to living room and did this routine morning activity of listening to the radio, to be able to hear the news which he didn't in fact want to hear.

Grandpa Joe lived in a small house with his daughter-in-law, Nonna and his grandsons, Peter and Noah, who were longing for their father, Vladimir since the war had started.

Grandpa Joe was 82 years old. He had lost both of his legs back in 1941 when he was up on the steep hills of Soviet Russia's Caucasus Mountains, fighting against Germany and trying his best to survive despite his old age.

Grandpa Joe was a stoic person, for he never showed any fear or sorrow on his wrinkled face. He'd never even told his war stories to anybody. Now, in this year of 1945, he was always listening to the radio to hear, in fact, not to hear, the name of his lovely son, Vladimir, whom he had sent to those steep hills where he once used to fight for his own home, for his own family and for the patriotism he felt for his homeland Russia.

Unfortunately, that morning was a lot different than the previous ones. While Grandpa Joe was listening to the radio, he heard Vladimir's name being mentioned this time, when the radio broadcaster was announcing the names of the honorable soldiers who were confirmed to be dead in the past twenty four hours.

Now that he finally heard the news that he did not want to hear, he started weeping, when, with blurry and teary eyes, he saw Nonna at the doorstep. Nonna must have heard everything, Grandpa Joe thought, for she was wailing with a squeaky voice.

"My vulnerable, lovely Vladimir," Grandpa Joe muttered. "I begged you not to join the army. Now look what happened to you. Farewell my dear. This country will never forget you."

When Grandpa Joe suddenly turned his head to look at Nonna, he noticed that she was gone. So, he sat up on the couch, clutched the side of his wheelchair, pulled himself up and settled on the narrow seat of his dark-gray, rusty metal vehicle. He was still weeping; covering his mouth with one hand not to make any noise, and moving the wheels of his wheelchair with other hand, heading to the courtyard full of bare trees that were partly dressed up with light-yellow leaves.

...

Ileana watched her father Gregory furiously, as Gregory was randomly assigning work to the prisoners in a bossy manner at a concentration camp organized to enslave the Russian-Jews. Gregory was the local chief executive of the socialist party that had currently been running the country for almost six years.

Ileana was mad at her father. Although she had nobody else left in her life except Gregory, she detested him. There were many reasons behind this, Ileana knew. But the most important reason was that her lovely mother, Ana, was murdered when Germany had declared war against Russia. Gregory had never told about this killing to Ileana, for he did not want to upset his daughter. Not until Ileana suddenly remembered that Ana was a Jew did she realize what exactly happened to her mother. In the end, of course, she learned that her father Gregory was the murderer of Ana. He had taken his own wife, his daughter's mother, away from Ileana. That's why she hated Gregory. And now, by his worthless father, she was being forced to stay in the concentration camp and watch the innocent people being beaten by scourges or given electrical shock to their genitals.

...

When Grandpa Joe had finally found Nonna, he saw that she was crying. "You have to be strong, my dear," he said. Then, after a considerably long pause of five seconds, he said: "Ah, I hate to say this, but I guess it's now the time to send Peter to war as well. We don't want to lose anybody from our family again, but I'm afraid that this is the only option we have. Let's just not mention Noah about what happened to Vladimir. I know telling a twelve-year-old kid about his father's death would ruin his life. Come with me, let's talk to Peter together".

...

Ileana had a huge crush on Peter, who was 32 years old. "Just three years older than me," Ileana thought. She first met him when Peter had visited the concentration camp to bring clean water to his father, Vladimir. Ileana still remembered the painful-looking dark brown eyes Peter had.

When they met on that day, they fell in love right away. Neither of them had believed in love at first sight, so that moment when they saw each other for the first time was the turning point of their lives.

...

In less than four hours that day, Peter was all prepared to leave his small house to join the army. After saying farewell, he grabbed his backpack filled with bread, two packs of biscuits, a full water bottle and a framed group photo of his family; his parents, Grandpa Joe and his brother lovely little Noah.

When he arrived at the top of the steep hills of Caucasus Mountains, he imagined Grandpa Joe and his father Vladimir fighting against the socialist party supporters. He felt sick. He knew that there was a high possibility that he'll be dead by the end of the war. He suddenly remembered Ileana; her blond hair, brown eyes, thin arms and pink fingertips. He pictured himself and Ileana together, living far away, where there was no war, no killing, no cruelty and no racism. Suddenly, he came back to the new world, when his commander, his new boss, called him to join the rest of the troops. With a little bit of hesitation, he did what he was told.

...

When Ileana learned that Peter had joined the army, she started to see nightmares. Still, she was a little relieved, for she had a plan to get rid of all this trouble and sadness in her life. If only she knew how to carry it out.

Ileana was really afraid... Afraid of everything... Afraid that life would take Peter away from her... Afraid that cursed Gregory would take him away from her. What could she do without Peter? Who would she think about to get relieved? "These questions will always be unanswered," she thought.

...

At 8 p.m. that evening, when the two opposite sides of No-Man's-Land had agreed to give a short break for supper, Peter settled on the mud. He pulled out the bread from his ripped backpack and bit a small slice. He also sipped some water. Right after he was done with the food, he heard his name being called. He turned his head and saw his commander coming towards him. He stood up, wiped his mouth with the cuff of his uniform and paid full attention to what the commander was about to say to him.

Looking in the commander's eyes, Peter instantly understood that there was something wrong. "I don't know how to say this," the commander said, "but your grandpa... He... He passed away this morning. I just got the news. I thought I had to... I'm so sorry, Peter".

...

Ileana felt so gloomy when she learned about Grandpa Joe's death. She thought it was Gregory again; that cursed father of hers. But, when she found out the truth; that Gregory was innocent and that Grandpa Joe was just a victim of a sniper, she felt quite ashamed of herself for blaming her father about this killing. Suddenly, she heard someone coming in the house. It was Gregory. With a dirty smirk on his face, he said: "So happy that one more long-nosed creature died today".

Due to her mother, Ileana was a half Jew. She disliked her father when he talked in that manner. She was afraid that there might be a day when Gregory would put her to death as well. So, she thought she had to be very quick in carrying out her plans; she had to destroy Gregory as soon as possible, she thought.

The next day was a regular work day for both Gregory and Ileana. Just like always, Gregory forced Ileana to join him in the concentration camp. By the end of the day, around 8 p.m., Ileana felt nauseous due to all the blood, injuries and screams that she witnessed. Without saying anything to Gregory, she left the camp to go to her house. On her way home, she imagined Peter fighting against Germans. While she was thinking about him, she sensed the coolness of few tears dropping out of her oval eyes.

...

After hearing the news, Peter felt an urge to give a break to all this fighting he had been doing for almost a week. Out of respect and sympathy, his commander let him go home and rest for couple of days. In return, he asked Peter to promise that he will be back.

Grandpa Joe's funeral was the next day. Nonna was in tears. Peter and Noah, on the other hand, tried their best not to cry. "Everything will be okay. Everything will be back to normal one day," they thought.

A week later, Peter was back in the trenches again, with the same nervousness and sickness he had felt on the first few days. When he got there back, however, he was given some happy news. His commander told him that Russian army had finally been successful in defending themselves against Germany; that Germans would soon have to stop fighting and beg for truce.

...

Gregory was angry and surprised with the Russian defence. He thought he had no option except for killing all the Jews at the concentration camp. As soon as he arrived at the camp, he gathered up all the prisoners in a large storage room. Then, with two eyes full of horror, he lit a whole pack of matches, threw them around the room, and left the camp, again, with a smirk on his face. On the other hand, Ileana, unable to stop Gregory, just watched as his father did his killings for the day.

That night at dinner table, Ileana did not talk to Gregory. She did not even make any eye contact with him. After she finished eating, she stood up, grabbed her dirty plate and left the dining room without a word.

By midnight, when Gregory was reading the newspaper, Ileana left the house. Gregory, out of curiosity, decided to follow Ileana to find out where she would be going at this time of the night. Following her daughter quietly for twenty minutes, he found himself in the Russian trenches. But, nobody saw him wandering around, so he just left the trenches without getting assassinated.

He went directly back home.

When Ileana arrived home at 3 p.m., she saw Gregory waiting for her at the doorstep. As soon as their gazes had met, Gregory started yelling at her: "You dishonorable woman! How dare you see that filthy guy!" Without any hesitation, Ileana replied back: "You're the one who's dishonorable, Greg! I'm sick of you. I hate to call you father. I have doubts regarding your parenting abilities. Are you sure you are a father?"

Right at that moment, Gregory pulled a pistol out of his pocket. He pointed it at Ileana, who suddenly became so quiet due to the fear of getting shot. Gregory calmed down a little bit, dropped the gun from his shaky hands, and made his way to kitchen to get something to drink. In that second, Ileana grabbed the gun, loaded it, and made her way to the kitchen to bring her plans to a completion.

"Gregory!", she called him. "Yes?", her father replied, and then turned around. As soon as he saw Ileana with the gun pointing at him, his eyes wide opened. He started taking fast steps towards Ileana to stop her. But, he wasn't quick enough. "Game over!" Ileana said, and then, she pulled the trigger. Suddenly, the house burst into a loud shriek. After shooting Gregory, Ileana shouted: "Justice!"

...

Two weeks after Gregory died, Germany finally gave up on the war. Russia got its freedom back. People were happy. They were celebrating the peace on the streets. They put up flags on the buildings and sang their national anthem. They cursed the German socialist who had started this war six years ago, and had taken too many lives since then.

...

"You may kiss the bride," the priest said. Peter, afterwards clutched Ileana's waist, pulled her towards himself, and touched his eager lips onto hers. "I love you," he said.


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16 Reviews


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Reviews: 16

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Wed May 15, 2013 2:37 pm
CarolineNaveen wrote a review...



Alright first things first. Constructive critiques, at the beginning of the story I seemed to drown in names and was a little confused as all of the names seemed to fit together except for Vladimir, which is very foreign sounding compared to the rest of them. Also, your first several paragraphs begin with Grandpa Joe, that could/will pull the audience out of the story. A few places the characters seemed a little unrealistic/melodramatic at times, you might consider going over your dialogue or people watching to see how people talk. As normal people often don't use perfect grammar and have different speaking patterns. No two people speak in exactly the same way. I like your overall general idea, however I think you need to work on it a bit to make it more realistic so that the reader can really connect with your characters and feel that characters emotion.




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Sun Apr 28, 2013 10:33 pm
Aley wrote a review...



So I'm going to do this review to the first ellipsis.

First thing first, I'm really curious if you got the names of the family members from somewhere, like a family tree, or if you just made them up, because out of all the names Vladimir does not fit. It's like a red pen in a bunch of shades of blue. Mainly that is because it is the only name I can recognize as Russian sounding. Joe, Nonna, Noah, even Peter all sound like Christian names. Nonna's closer to an ethnic sounding name, but Noah and Peter are very Christian sounding. It confused me when I read it and I had to stop to take that in. Pausing while reading a story to puzzle over names is not a good sign.

So next we have some technical things. The announcer announces the announcement. Yes, we know the announcer announces the announcement that the father has died, but we should strive for something a little less repetitive with language. You could use broadcaster, anchor, field agent, radio, there are a lot of things you could say about what it was that was announced too, like victim list. I'm sure you can come up with a different way to say it.
Also, for the first four paragraphs of the story, they all start out with Grandpa Joe. Then we get done with this section and we have Grandpa Joe again, but this time it is unfortunate.

Overall, I feel like you're attempting to rush things too quickly. Put it in Nonna's point of view and have her talking about her grandfather and how proud she is of him, or surprised she is when she hears the news and sees him crying. There are many ways that this story could be made more interesting from the point of view.
I don't know much about the time, but I'm curious where the mothers are in this, the grandmother and the mother.




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Wed Apr 24, 2013 2:20 pm
Kaylyn wrote a review...



Ok. So this, in fact, is a pretty confusing story. I know it's supposed to be a short story, but this could be lengthened out by quite a bit. It went way to fast, had too much going on, and flicked between the stories way too often. With this being said, I like the concept, it just needs some development.

Some issues that I have with this is that you started this out great, but the further I read, the more it seemed to fall apart and the vocabulary started lacking. For example the last scene where Ileana comes toe to toe with her father and shoots him. The dialogue is a bit out there and unrealistic. I'm pretty sure that dialogue wasn't used as well. To shout "Game over" while shooting your father in that time period just didn't happen.

Also what was going on with the whole grandpa thing? Who tries to say I told your father not to go to war, has the son die and then send off the grandson to the SAME WAR? Not so much, and then being sniped off. Kinda confusing.

Also, there are alot of vocabulary out there, I found that when I first started writing that a thesarus really helped me out, and if you right click a word in Microsoft word, it gives you a list of synonyms. I say this because I saw alot of basic vocabulary and saw the word "sad" too many times. Melancholy, depressed, gloomy, miserable, distressed. Alot of good words out there for sad. Like I said though, you started out really well, did you maybe rush the rest?

The advise I give you is this: this plot has a lot of potential, however, I'd say to develop the characters and story further, put in a little more detail, fix some of the vocabulary and grammar, and fix some of the dialogue and this could be really good.

Don't get discouraged, it's constructive, and keep writing! You're going to be great.





Just because you don't feel like a hero in your own story, doesn't mean you're not a hero in someone else's.
— Tenyo