z

Young Writers Society



Seeker

by Arcticus


Your childhood wishes have grown up with you
the road has put some of its dust on your face, a layer.
The innocence still,
in your eyes, a little buried behind a
pretending-to-be-tough face.
Your wrists still rather thin, your fingers long
maybe from all the holding on.
In your backpack you hide a secret
of crumpled up pages, notepads,
empty ink bottles and broken pens, but still
the faint smile etched on your face is poetry.
You say you haven't been able to really
find out what you set out to seek,
you clap your palms in wonder, fiddle with your shoelaces.

There's not much here,
but I hope that doesn't break you.


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208 Reviews


Points: 830
Reviews: 208

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Mon Feb 24, 2014 8:45 pm
rhiasofia says...



This is awesome, and I love it.




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212 Reviews


Points: 12011
Reviews: 212

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Mon Apr 22, 2013 11:09 am
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ScarlettFire wrote a review...



Hi there, shoaib! My name is Scarlett and I'll be reviewing you poem this evening. ^^

Firstly, wow, shoaib. This is a cute little poem. It truly brought a smile to my face. Absolutely lovely. <3 I like the flow, despite a few places where it's awkward or might need a break of some kind, like here;

Your childhood wishes have grown up with you
the road has put some of its dust on your face, a layer.


This could be improved by adding a semicolon after the 'you' on that first line. Like so;

"Your childhood wishes have grown up with you;
the road has put some of its dust on your face, a layer."

I feel this makes it flow better. There are over punctuation marks you can use, and I suggest you make use of them. They can add something more to a poem.

Also here;

Your wrists still rather thin, your fingers long
maybe from all the holding on.


This could use another break. I suggest this;

"Your wrists still rather thin, your fingers long--
maybe from all the holding on."

I think this sounds much better now. And I'm afraid I'm not going to be of much use anymore. So, that's it. Also, those last two lines are just lovely. Thanks for such a brilliant, cute little poem! I hope this review helps. ^^

Remember; keep it up and never stop writing!

~Scar.




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241 Reviews


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Reviews: 241

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Sun Apr 21, 2013 3:00 pm
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Jonathan wrote a review...



Hello there here is a me with a review for ya I hopes it helps yu out. :D

OK you did really good but I think you need to put a space after the "periods".

I also think you put to many "comas" but maybe its just me.

And another thing is although it may make sense to others it does not make any to me.

you clap your palms in wonder, fiddle with your shoelaces.
see maybe you can tell but its OK if you don't understand what I am saying. :D

OK you did really good I think I can see what you are trying to say.

Your selling and grammar and all of that kind of stuff as far as I could tell was great. :D

Good job I think you have some kind of talent for this.

Keep writing and good luck. :D

Until later "God be with you and good bye".

~Jon~ :pirate3:

Hopes it helped.

Forgive me if I rambled. :)





Everything has a consequence and every consequence leads to death.
— kattee