Published April 14, 2013
I built you the sun.
I built it in my toolshed,
high and bright and shining.
Everything I see in you.
I built you the sun.
I made it from sticks and bricks
and memories long kept.
Everything that reminds me of you.
I built you the sun.
I filled it with laughter and light
and little bits of happiness.
Everything I know you would love.
I built you the sun.
I hope the bright washes away the dark. I hope you love it.
Ill leave it here, on your doorstep.
Everything. I want everything for you.
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Hi there!
I really loved the title of this poem, and it really drew me in, so here I am, reviewing your work! I really loved this poem. I has a lot of heart in it
Okay, one thing I'd like to chat about, is the use of abstract or concrete concepts in a poem. Vagueness is always one of the outcomes of using abstract terms like "love" or "memories" or "everything". In some poems, that is just what you want (think ee cummings) but in most poems, you want the reader to really see what is going on with their own eyes. So instead of saying something general like:
try something that engages the reader, like "scented with buttercups and pansies", which conjures up images of summer when everything is bright and the sun is high and shining (sorry for the stupid example). So engage other senses too. Don't give too obvious descriptions -- make it slightly more subtle. Find what you want them to see and take a step back, place it into context and draw something from that environment, like a smell or taste or feeling.
This is really beautiful, but you don't have to say "the bright". It makes it unnecessarily long. Just use "it".
Perhaps try breaking the poem up into stanzas, so that its structure is more defined. I think it also befits something that has been made with all the love in the world, forged and hammered together in a workshop.
The second-last line is missing an apostrophe at "I'll"!
Well done here! I liked reading this poem.
Keep writing
barefootrunner
Hi emoticon! Overall, I thought this was a lovely piece with some interesting imagery. Just a couple comments.
I thought the repetition of "I [verbed]" was a tad excessive. I might try to combine some. For example:
I built you the sun.
I built it in my toolshed,
high and bright and shining.
could be,
I built you the sun
in my toolshed,
high and bright and shining.
This has a lot of abstract in it. I liked how you had the concrete images of sticks and bricks before. I might do that again here--perhaps you could fill it with something the person would like?
I love the ending, but I'll needs an apostrophe.
Overall, this is good, but you could clean it up a little. Good job and keep writing!:)
Wow... I don't want to sound like I'm just throwing fluff at you but really. I love this. From the beginning I was drawn in from looking at the title. "I built you the sun". That's so creative and it just leaves this beautiful image.
What I thought of is my parents. I feel like sometimes parents would do virtually anything for their child. Whether or not that is what you meant here, this is what I gathered. You expressed yourself so well here. The lines were full of beauty. I'd like to point out my favorites.
"I filled it with laughter and light and little bits of happiness".
That line touches the heart. I'll read this again later and see if I have any criticism for you. The only problem here is it is respective (unless this is what you intended) and had a few grammatical errors.
Otherwise, very well done.
I like that you thought of your parents, because I had kind of intended it to be for all kinds of love, though when I wrote it I was thinking of the #1 man in my life (little hearts and cupids whizzing about my head) so thank you.