Young Love's Quarrles

Okay. Let's try to literally break this down. Poetry is usually written like this:

A boy who's turned on to a girl,
The boy's views do not match up with the views of the girl,
Though his feelings are of such liking,
her feelings are not quite moved..
However,
He tried and tried...
And tries once more,
Though he need not bother.
Now that he has badgered and gone on and on,
Her feelings of maybe have twirled otherwise.
He says one thing only hoping it sounds as though it does within his fluttering mind,
But to her understanding,
Maybe now would be a better thought if he lie low in the shadows where none is seen by any being

Just breaking it up, for me, gives it a whole new perspective because you aren't reading it all on one line.

And also, I get the plot for this poem, I do, but to me seems more like unrequited love than a lovers quarrel.

And these lines did not exactly make sense to me:

Her feelings of maybe have twirled otherwise.

and

But to her understanding,
Maybe now would be a better thought if he lie low in the shadows where none is seen by any being

In the first one I noted are you trying to say that maybe her feelings have been given to another person now?

And I'm sorry, I really just don't get the last line. I can't understand what you are attempting to say.

I really did enjoy this though.
Happy writing!

Hi there, Saterdays!

I'm GeeLyria and I'm here to review.

I'm wondering if the format went evil on you, or if you just wrote this piece to be stanzas-less. I'd like to think this poem does have lines and stanzas, though. If not, I'd recommend you to add them. Organizing is essential and very helpful when it comes to writing; it can actually tell a reader if they want to read something or not.

Anyway, I agree with Aley when it comes to the ellipses. I would delete them. Mainly, because they make your point sound dubious and you don't want that; not in this case because you're telling us a true story. I also think you can find another way to express your poem-idea. The way you say it is rather simple and it kind of sounds like a journal entry (or gossip). And since this is a common problem in society (lol), it's not that entertaining. You have to make it sound stronger. With more character! I bet you can do it. Try using rhetorical figures; similes, metaphors, oxymoron~ Let the world inspire you. Show us how you see the world and how you see the problem (not just what happened). I'm sure your readers would appreciate it and eventually, you will too. xD

That's my grain of sand. Hopefully, I expressed myself correctly. If not, do PM me!

~GeeLyria

Hey there Saterdays. Let's start off with telling you this is a great poem. If you put this into stanzas then it could really improve this though. The words theirself are great and portray well the struggles, if you will, of young love. A simple yet concise poem but could perhaps be a little short? I don't think that's always a problem though.

8/10

Keep writing
~The World

Hey Saterdays!

I love the title of the piece and I like the concept behind it, young love is always a large field in the poetic world, so it's difficult to have your work stand out amongst similar poems of the same subject -- I always advise poets to try to write themselves into the work -- in the sense that you want to interweave your experiences and your emotions to color your work, and in that sense, your work will always be your own and will always be unique.

So for example, "a boy who's turned on to a girl" is a very generic statement, but if you make it more specific, and if you tailor it to suit your own individual artistic vision, just get creative with it -- then you'll have a much more engaging piece.

Another thing that I noticed is that the piece seems to be revealed through flashes rather than a complete and coherent thought. I think this is interesting, because I haven't seen that done in the way that you've done it. With the right poem, fragments like this can work -- but with this poem, I think it feels a little bit incomplete. Almost like you're saying to us: Look, there's a boy and a girl. The boy's views don't match with the girl's views. Instead -- tell us who the boy and the girl are. What do they look like, what do they do? How are they expressing their relationship with each other? What are their views? How do they disagree? Because they can disagree violently, or they can disagree and still be friends/amused by their disagreement.

Just flesh this poem out a bit more, dear, and I think this can become fantastic.

I hope this helps!

~ as always, Audy

I'd really like stanzas in this... I couldn't really read it as a poem without them. This piece I really didn't like at all. I couldn't see the point in writing it, it didn't really sound or flow nicely, and I'm sorry if this sounds mean, but I bored me. I know nothing about the characters, (maybe you could give them names, maybe more feelings than "liking," etc) there isn't really a plot line, and I couldn't read it with all the ellipses. My eye just got spun into the middle, and I had no idea what you said. Read this out loud:
"He says one thing only hoping it sounds as though it does within his fluttering mind, but to her understanding... "
Does that sentence make ANY sense to you at all? Because I read it over and over and I just couldn't get it. It made no sense grammatically or stylistically.
I'm not saying all this to be mean, I'm telling you how I feel after I read your piece. You could make this a lot better. It has a lot of hidden potential, but Unless I knew what you were trying to prove or convey in this, I can not help you. Keep writing! I know you can do it!
-Fortis Fortitude

This poem is very showy. I feel like I would get more out of the idea of the title if we actually heard and saw the quarrels taking place. If we saw the arguments we would be in a better position to judge what was going on in the situation. We could relate to it if you used phrases like "You just don't understand" and things like that which nearly everyone has heard shut down an argument where there was a communication break down. I would strongly suggest that you do adopt what Pumpkin suggests and work with stanzas.
When I first read paragraph poetry that this seems to be standing as, it was all about just the flow of words and stream of consciousness which is basically just keep writing no matter what comes, don't stop the words. This isn't what you're doing if you've got missing information as noted by the ellipsis(...) all over this poem. Instead of putting an ellipsis, end the line. I think that could really help improve this poem as well. Next, narrow down the words you use and make them connect uniquely. Repetition is used to emphasize words. If you can say things 209 ways, like Blue, then use as many of them as you can to describe something so that you can really get the picture to form in someone's mind.

Hello Saterdays, PumpkinCat here with your review for "Young Love's Quarrels". I really like this it does show a lot of Young Love Quarrels indeed. The first thing I noticed was that you need stanzas for it to flow a bit more. I also noticed the last line it seems to me it would flow a bit more if you said this, "Maybe now would be a better thought if he lie low in the shadows where no one is seen by any being." All you have to do is change none to no one. Also sorry to point this out but, You misspelled Quarrels.

Sorry for being to critical I'm trying not to you see.

Well here's your rating for this lovely Poem Saterdays, 7/10

Good Work
-PumpkinCat