What's Unseen By Many

Hi Saterdays!

I'm not getting this. Prose poetry is cool, but I don't really see why you chose not to go for line breaks in this one. I for one actually find it rather hard to digest this. I'll assume the semi-colons indicate a line break. I may be incorrect, but then again, you haven't given me, or the readers, any clear indication on how to read this properly. It may, of course, be a YWS formatting error, at which point I apologize to you.

Now, as for my thoughts on the poem.

The first stanza doesn't do much for me. Take over? Take over what? How does it have to do with anything else within the 'poem'? Everything else... doesn't do anything for me either. You're presenting facts, basically, dull bland facts which have been mentioned over and over again by all the Christians everywhere. We don't get what this means to you, really. What you believe is right, wrong, what happens to sinners, blah blah blah. I like description in poetry, but of course, that's subjective. There isn't any here either. Content is more important than anything else, true, but there isn't much to go on here, content-wise, either.

It also lacks all the fancy techniques poetry uses, I'd say. Metaphors, similes, assonance, and so forth. So, it's actually very disappointing.

Your grammar was also rather bad.

dround them in their own sarrows and sins,

within the crushing abseen lies

crimes he has no knowlage of

You Are A Really Good Writer ! You Have NO Mistakes And That Is Hard To Do . So This Must Have Took You A Long Time To Do ! Do What You Do And Keep Going ! You Are Really Good ! And I Already Wrote This Once But I Wrote It In The Wrong Spot Because I'm New Hear But Good Job ! You Are Amazing !

I think that you should separate the lines when you get to a comma or semicolon, I think that it would just make it flow better, and not make it just seem like a chunk of words, but a poem, which is what it is.

'Dround' by that I think you mean 'drown', and by 'sarrows' I think it should be 'sorrows'. You have a few more mistakes like this in the words themselves like, 'knowlage' should be 'knowledge'.

I think that the words, "You see" can probably be taken out from this piece, they seem to take away from the flow of things. So it would instead read, 'Is overlooked and then, he fades...'

I really liked this poem though. Dark yet very good, when I write dark it's sounds like I'm crazy or something. Like a mass murderer, but I am not, I swear. I hope to hear more from you.

~Fantasy

I think that you should separate the lines when you get to a comma or semicolon, I think that it would just make it flow better, and not make it just seem like a chunk of words, but a poem, which is what it is.

'Dround' by that I think you mean 'drown', and by 'sarrows' I think it should be 'sorrows'. You have a few more mistakes like this in the words themselves like, 'knowlage' should be 'knowledge'.

I think that the words, "You see" can probably be taken out from this piece, they seem to take away from the flow of things. So it would instead read, 'Is overlooked and then, he fades...'

I really liked this poem though. Dark yet very good, when I write dark it's sounds like I'm crazy or something. Like a mass murderer, but I am not, I swear. I hope to hear more from you.

~Fantasy

Hello, Kyla here to review you. I really like this poem, I think it is good. I would like to take this time to write it the way I see it. If I say something misleading, or I'm misunderstanding something please tell me.

If it were me, I think that you should try it like this:

Take over;
Darkness comes and floods the wicked,
that refuses to change;
Dround them in their own sarrows and sins.
Forever they shall be lost within the crushing,
Abseen lies they told themselves.
Dying slowly, they rot in hell, they burn inside.
The despair hangs a man for crimes he has no knowledge of.
Alas, a poor man's favor is over looked and then you see,
He fades like the midnight sky to a dull but glorious morning.

This is just the way I see it, I hope you enjoy my advice. I really like this, keep writing!

Every time I read this I get goosebumps. I love reading your work. You are an amazing writer. Keep up the good work sweetie. I love you girlie!! I am so glad that you are my best friend.

This is really dark! But I like it a lot! If I didn't know you in real life I'd say you were a really religious Christian. There are no grammer errors, and the whole not being able to stanza thing is really annoying. It did the same thing to me!! Anyways, it was really good and I can't wait to steal your mickey mouse thing to read mroe!