z

Young Writers Society



The Beast of Mount Hakarak

by Dakushau


And as he taketh his sword, he raised it high; towards the heavens in the sky. The blade swung forth, ready to kill all his enemies, with its steel.

And as he went forth, Hakiah spotted an old man who sat by the road. He asketh him "dost thou require assistance".

And said the man unto Hakiah "nay, I require not thy help, but if thou seekest to provide aid, take up thine sword and slay the beast which rests upon the mountain Hakarak.

"For it plagues this valley with its vileness, surely deserving of death. Please wilt thou slayeth the beast with thine blade"?

And Hakiah said unto the man "I shall do as thou ask of me! I sayeth unto thee this day, the beast of mount Hakarak shall tasteth the edge of my blade"!

And it came to pass that after a day's journey, Hakiah arrived at mount Hakarak, and he walketh up onto the mountainous peak.

And atop the mount of Hakarak writhe the beast with maw agape, possessing wings of steel and scales of iron. And as he neared the beast he took his sword in hand.

The dragon came forth with claw and tooth; flame it spit to smite the land. Hakiah took forth his blade and swung it high, to vanquish the wicked dragon; but the battle rageth on, and only one shall win. Hakiah shalt surely conquer this beast.

With a final swing of the blade upon the creatures soul, the fight was won; only one remained. In the light of the morning sun gleameth the sword of the mighty one.

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments


User avatar
1334 Reviews

Points: 25864
Reviews: 1334

Donate
Sun Jul 28, 2013 1:53 pm
View Likes
Hannah wrote a review...



Hey there! I am here to fulfill the reviews your deadbeat santa didn't give you last Christmas in July. You only have one work posted, so I'm going to give you all of my love on this single review! Merry Christmas~ Sorry for the delayed review, but better late than never, right? (:

So, after reading through this once, this was my first euphoria:

the sword of the mighty one.


Oh my gosh! I don't know if you meant it this way. Maybe you were referring to the man by the weapon he carried, but in my interpretation, somehow both the dragon and the man were killed and only the sword remained in the dawn, which talks about how not only was the weapon-bearing fight-eager man bad, not only was the beast bad, but also the (I assume) God who sent this man out on the mission was kind of dumb or maybe cruel for doing so. Loved it!

The main criticism I had was the fake old-time talk. In some points I bought it, but in others, like "talketh" or where you replaced past tense verbs' "ed" with "eth", it was pretty clear you were just sticking that ending on willy-nilly. It was especially clear toward the end when you got into the action because those endings mostly faded away and allowed the story to shine through WITH THE OLDNESS still intact because you used words like "smite" and "vanquish". I think I'd suggest you read a version of the bible that uses this nice old official talk and try to model your tone after that!

I'd also like to know a little more about this god that said "do this mission for me". It's a very simple story, so having a little more background about the implications of the battle would help this short piece make a deeper impression on your future readers!

Yay~ Review finished! Lemme know if you have any questions or comments about it.
Good luck, keep writing, and Merry Christmas!




Dakushau says...


Hey Hannah! Thanks for reviewing my work! I'm glad you liked it. I've been meaning to put up more of my works but there either all only half finished or just not good enough. I hope to put more up before too long. When I wrote it I didn't actually think of it the way you interpreted it, but I really like the interpretation you had. While writing I really tried to make it feel like reading the KJV bible. And re-reading it now a few months later I see that I probably could have done better in parts of it. Your interpretation actually gave me an idea of a way to make this better, so thanks. Thanks once again for the review and I'm glad you liked it!



User avatar
21 Reviews

Points: 2690
Reviews: 21

Donate
Sun Apr 14, 2013 1:31 pm
View Likes
Hobbit22 wrote a review...



Ok, I'm not good with old english cause I've never been taught that but it was good..really a good attempt and somewhere it was poetic which just adds another dimension to it.

I really loved the last two lines..a perfect ending and really glorious..xD

But where it lacked was the creativity part, cause good old fight with the dragon is not something really creative but that doesn't mean I was bored, though old english words did bothered me. =P

Well, keep up the good work. :)




User avatar
241 Reviews

Points: 286
Reviews: 241

Donate
Mon Apr 08, 2013 10:09 pm
View Likes
Jonathan wrote a review...



Hello there here is a Jordiny with a review for you I really hope that it helps and welcome too YWS this place can be really fun once you get to know it.

OK first you did really good at making it sound old and stuff like that it was awesome but at the end he hit the dragons SOUL not its head or its chest or it tummy or something but the soul I like it.

Another thing I like the way you did it it is the YWS logo although you may not know the sword is the pen and warrior is the writing.

I really liked this.

Good work no really good work.

Keep writing and good luck.

Until late good bye and all the best.


~Jon~ :pirate3:





"Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everybody I've ever known."
— Chuck Palahniuk