Stained

Hey! So team blue to the rescue!!

It seems like you really want help for this and that is fantastic!! I really like reviewing poetry and I will do my best to help!

I go from stanza to stanza. And some of my important revisions are in bold.

First Stanza:

Okay so you said you want help on rythym so I'll try my best to help you, what I'm gonna do is show you how you can better write it out for rhythm's sake, then I am going to tell you what I think of the first stanza:

"Tall kings talking,
in their stained dress shirts. (There is no need for "their" and it adds more words to your sentence which might obstruct rhythm.)

"to the brick-backdropped grafitti
con
verts come
come from" -- This is really confusing. But if you are including "to" you need to start with "from". As in it would be:

"From tall kings talking,
in stained dress shirts,

to brick-back-dropped graffiti,
converts come from.

stained white walls and stained black guns,
unneeded but for,
licking the sun

then when the picking is done,
(pick-pocket -- Does this mean like a pick-pocket?)

pick-axe like
in the mines except
for the
stained black guns,

and stained black
guard-dog
eyes.

Okay, now that that is done. I really think you need to go back and look at exactly what you are trying to say. And if you have having trouble portraying it, you can PM me and I can help you with it. Because I mean this has potential, it's really interesting, and weird but not in a bad way. So as for this first stanza, I didn't get most of it, and I think you should look over it, and revise this part:
"pick-axe like
in the mines except
for the
stained black guns,"

Also I must say that I don't see the effect or point in using "black" multiple times, if you were trying to make a point with it, I would suggest you didn't, it sounded quite repetitive.

Second Stanza: My edits/revisions:

"Cheap pawns and ponsie (do you mean posy?) schemes,
on the TV radio (Since when is the word radio ever separated in a poem?! )
no where, to go
to escape them.

They're talking,
talking like their guard-dog eyes,
like their belts are weighed
and stained,

black guns
stained, white hands,

and maybe a couple of
leashes for the big black Dobermans sniffing,

for the sinners,
the big black, colorless
pupil-filled guard-dog Doberman
eyes.

So be careful how you write things, you said "the big black, colorless" that does't really work, if it is black it has color. And this is still interesting, but just a bit strange as I still wonder a bit what exactly you are trying to say. Are you talking about people who steal? Bad people? Or people who are lost and seen as bad? Try when you're revising this to go through and figure out how to be a bit more precise while still using some of your creative language an all that.

Third Stanza:

Now before I go on, I must say this is crazy! Why did you just keep indenting? I mean I almost feel like I'm doing all the formatting for you. If you need some help with the rythym you can PM me or ask people who know that stuff.

So with that said here I go:

"Pupils are the blackest thing
your body has produced.

You think the inside of your skeleton,

the wet red side of your skin
is black in the body? --- Why are you using black so much?? Please be more original.

The stomach churning blindly in the dark,
the intestines curling intuitively,
in the insides where no light
goes?

No.

Your pupils are not just
the absence
of light;

they are the
black holes,

at the rinds
of the universe; they are the
night under a helpless newborn moon;

they are the flaking
stick-figure,
black skeleton
after the fire.

Pupils take everything you have:
the color
of you, the light
of you, the sight
of you, and the love
of you." ---- My question is if you could write that, why couldn't you do that for the previous two stanzas and the first part of this stanza? It seems like too much. So then, if you have doubts about what to do, just talk to people first before posting it.

Fourth Stanza:

"Tall kings and cheap pawns,
preaching and teaching,
hopelessly,
lifelessly,
loveless. (There is no such word as lovelessly.)

Their words are pupils
Their words are pupils
Their words are pupils,
But their shirts
are stained."

Those are my revisions, and then I would say there is no need to repeat "their words are pupils" so many times. I think he affect you were trying to have was not accomplished.Other than that though this was a sad poem so I kind of got what you where trying to say. But not really because it was put in quite a strange way.

So overall, this was not the best work, mainly because a lot of things were quite repetitive, and you used certain words a lot and the formatting was off. That said though you have potential as I had said before, it was interesting, weird, and it could have been deep if you had made a few changes regarding the words you used, and how you used them. If you would like some help you can go to the Buddy System and get a buddy or you can contact me as I've said before. It just needs some more direction and tweaks and editing and then whala! It would be the deep poem you meant it to be.

Dream on! (Oh and kudos to wanting someone to edit it, that means you want to get better!

Hi there!

barefoot here to review! Yup, I've come again.

So this piece needs more work than Cities. The style of this one reminds me more of ee cummings. It doesn't make literal sense, but does give you a feeling of something, somewhere in your brain. You're just not sure because it is way more hidden. You have a lot of words broken into multiple lines. It's cool up to a point, then it gets confusing. Maybe you want to say with it that the world is broken. Maybe there is something behind it, but it is hard to figure out exactly what is going on. You need to spell it out a little more. No, your readers aren't stupid. They're probably cleverer than me, mostly. But I can't inkle it out. Whatever it is, is lost to me and that is sad, because it is beautifully written.

Graffiti is spelt with a single t and two f's, not other way around.

So you need to clarify. You can keep the beautiful poetic devices, but please tell your readers what's going on! You also might need a few more visual devices here — all I'm seeing is kings with stained shirts and black pupils.

Keep writing You have talent!

Ok, Primrose22, i won't lie to you. The poem might have some chance to become great, but that's it...a slim chance. As for the rhyming issue, well, i've seen a few poets here who were able to break that boundary. The only thing i need to say is for you to actually bring some uniformity to it. The way you present it might be your style but it leave new readers in the dark. I found it hard to actually concentrate whilst reading it. But still it's good and although am not a poet myself, i can help you if you want...pm me if you need the help i can offer.