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Me + You

by Carlito


Just a little something that needed off of my heart.

Me + You

Darling I miss you so…
Much I die every time…
I want you here,
I don’t know why….
 
You’ve done so much to disappoint me
But without you my heart is lonely
And it stops me from letting go
Even though it hurts I want you so
 
You got my crying… again
I… want you, I can’t
Be with you why. Can’t. I.
Let you go
Why. Do. I. Love you so.
Why, after all this time
I can’t keep doing this, I
Need to learn. To. let you go
I… need to stop loving you so…
 
Things go well for one whole day
My heart goes off on the crazy train
I think of “what ifs” and maybes
I dream about being your lady
 
And then everything goes downhill
Like clockwork you make your kill
You stop talking and I don’t get why
And then I wonder why I even try
 
You got my crying… again
I… want you, I can’t
Be with you why. Can’t. I.
Let you go
Why. Do. I. Love you so.
Why, after all this time
I can’t keep doing this, I
Need to learn to let you go
I need to stop loving you so…
 
Darling I’m telling you, I love you
Darling I’m begging for, me and you
Darling I’m telling you, I want you
Darling I wish you would see it too
That we would be perfect darling, me and you
 
You got my crying… again
I… want you, I can’t
Be with you why. Can’t. I.
Let you go
Why. Do. I. Love you so.
Why, after all this time
I can’t keep doing this, I
Need to learn to let you go
I need to stop loving you so…
 
I know we would be perfect darling, me and you
I wish you could see it too


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Mon Apr 01, 2013 10:42 pm
Soulnmaka8 wrote a review...



Dang bro this poem reminds me of my sister and her ex.Not the point though but I wanted to ask if "You got my crying...again"Is it supposed to be "my"?I mean I'm just asking just making sure because when I write here I sorta skim through my work and don't notice the little details like not capatilizing all my I's.When spell check supposly checked my work I trust it to much so I was just asking.other than that I makes me want to show this to my sister but she would probably punch and say that I don't know anything about her love life but whatever.Really good better yet excellent it makes you think why we want to stay with them if they hurt us so much.




Carlito says...


It's supposed to be "me"... didn't catch that on my read through :)
Glad you liked it!



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Sun Mar 31, 2013 3:51 pm
mayyda wrote a review...



hey,
I'd like to review this for you, nice lyrical poem, i must say.
-Actually singing it with music might be different but here i find it bit mixed up in a way. --------Following one rhyming pattern could had been good as it keeps varying point to point.
-Few lines were repeated, although it may adjust your composition this way, but here should have been avoided.
With the kind of theme you followed, you could have added examples showing your efforts to forget and reasons making you fall again for the same guy.
By the way, love should be without a condition of sticking together.
Cheers for it.




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Sun Mar 31, 2013 5:34 am
ElizabethQueen wrote a review...



As an emotional piece for venting and getting something out of your heart and onto paper, it's very good. As a song, the chorus has a good flow and rhythm and I would love to hear it with a melody or set against music. It's a very real song.

I'm hesitant to say the song lacks focus because although it does seem a little all over the place, I can tell you're really speaking from the heart and it's your honest emotional perception of a situation; it sounds like you're really talking to whatever person this is.

And of course bear in mind to judge a song without its music isn't an adequate judgement at all(:




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Sun Mar 31, 2013 1:11 am
Hopkin wrote a review...



Hello there!
This was pretty good, the whole idea of a girl wanting a guy, who doesn't like this kind of thing?
Although you did say the same thing over and over as if it was meant to be written into a song, besides that I think it was pretty good.




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Sun Mar 31, 2013 12:24 am
SkyeJane wrote a review...



Hey there Carlito....It's Skye here reviewing this for you.
Now,I love love songs...yes I said it.
This one is pretty good and it has a nice rhythm to it,there are just a few structure issues that need a bit of work.
For Example:
I see what you were trying to do with the phrasing so that we would see the rhythm. It just didn't work so well. It just seemed like it was starting and stopping in little fits.....jerky almost.
I KNOW there is a good rhythm in this song you just need to show that there is one.
An example of this is the first two lines >>> I think it would flow better if "much" was in the first line,
I think the reason for this is that one just thinks that at the end of a line of words you stop.
And so our mind plays that trick on us. Musically it wouldn't make any difference at all but here in black and white it does.
There are loads of those little bits you just need to shift around so the jerkiness isn't there anymore.
Then there are all those periods...everywhere!
I see what you are trying to do and I sympathize with you because there aren't many ways to do that. It was just REALLY confusing because I had to keep think where are the sentences?Where does it pause?Does this word go with the next one?
I really don't know how that can be remedied,but I'm sure you can figure it out.
There are some things I do really like about this though(I hope that last bit didn't lead you astray).
I love how simply powerful this lyric is...You want to be with someone but you can't. 'Nuff said right?
You miss someone...don't care that they hurt you...don't care that it's hard...you NEED this love...that in its self is so universally relatable that nearly anybody in the world can hear this song and say, YES!!THIS IS HOW I FEEL!! That is truly powerful
So keep working on it my friend! Good luck !! Skyexxx




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Sun Mar 31, 2013 12:14 am
GeeLyria wrote a review...



Hi Carlito.

I am GeeLyria and I am here to review for you. The truth about your piece is that you've brought us a really common situation in a really simple way. I believe simple is good when the roots of the poem are complex. However, when it's something that pretty much happens to everyone once or twice in their lives, it's good to give our pieces a bit of spark. ;) You can do that by creating an imagery and comparing feelings and situations with other things. In other words, creating your own metaphors would make your piece more interesting because it would be like a nice screen of how you see the world.

Another thing I noticed is the inconsistency when it comes to the punctuation. This may sound a little picky, but the truth is that keeping your piece uniform could make big differences, because the more professional you are the more serious they will take you and your writing. :)

And that's pretty much all I've got to say! Feel free to let me know if you have any questions. <3

~GeeLyria




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Sun Mar 31, 2013 12:13 am
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi Carlito! Niteowl here with a fairly short review.

I like this. It's catchy and I can sort of sing along as I read it. A lot of this isn't terrifically original but I think it's sung well. The rhythm chops phrases weirdly, but again I rather like it. It makes it stand out more.

My main critique is that I'm a little confused about the relationship here. Is the narrator singing about a past relationship they want back, or is it more about an unrequited love that has persisted for a long time? I think this could be revised with more specific images of what exactly this person has done to the narrator.

Also, in the first line of the chorus, I think it should be "You've got me crying again".

Overall, this sounds good and I could see it being performed easily. I think more specific images would make it stand up and clear up some confusion. Good job and keep writing! :)





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