z

Young Writers Society


16+

Devil's Trap

by Rainheart


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

I grimace. This is it.

Rowan tugs on the black suit coat, tucks in his boot knife and a high-powered handgun in the small of his back, and gives me a nod, “It’s show time.”
Adjusting my earpiece, I return the nod.
Dark clouds are rolling in, shadowing over the full moon. We have the complete cover of night on our side. I slip from my spot in the shadows and head for the marked area. Rowan goes in the opposite direction, towards the brightly lit mansion with the type of people only horror stories bring dancing in the windows.
Gravel crunches beneath my boots, wind blows softly through the trees. I keep close to the high walls surrounding the mansion grounds, out of sight of the arriving guests. They have only the finest horses pulling their carriages, their gowns and suits being at the height of fashion, with their naïve minds not even close to guessing what is about to go on tonight.
At the end of the wall, I turn in the only direction that I can. Right. It’s a short walk from there. I reach the marked area, the one supporting the inconspicuous blue flag, and I’m not alone anymore. Waiting for me is Dane.
“Are you there, Jack?” Rowan’s voice comes in through the ear piece.
“Yes,” I respond.
Dane hands me a rifle. I shake my head. My knife will work just the same, if it comes down to it. Dane shrugs, not caring if I only carry a small curved knife in my boot top. If everything works out the way we planned it, weapons won’t be of any need by us, only Rowan.
I move passed Dane, going a few paces away so I can get a good look at the mansion. Beautiful. Flawless in form. The people are much the same.
Here on the other side of the property, opposite the circular driveway and arriving carriages, I set my eyes on the windows, at one person in particular. She hasn’t moved since we arrived here. A gentleman has caught her attention and they have been talking for several minutes now. I smile. So far, the plan is working.
“How’s it going in there, Dylan?” I ask.
“This is a grand home you have.” Was the response I got.
Dane moves next to me, “It’s almost time.”
“Right,” I nod.
On the move again, I jog beside the wall, not straying from its shadow. There is an opening about twenty seconds down. I go through it and find myself in a completely different area. Gone is the almost serene mansion with its dozen trees and rolling green lawn and elegant fountain.
Looking around, I give a nod. I’m where I’m supposed to be. There are a few guards and several military style trucks parked next to a large shed. Luckily, all the guards save for three are out close to the house, guarding it from people who have already slipped through their defenses. Idiots.
“I’m here. Ready.” Dane.
“Are you boys ready?” That’s Rowan.
“Almost,” I respond, looking at the mansion that is now only two steps away.
The three guards have their backs turned to me. I move then. I’ve always prided myself as being swift and very good at tactical moves. This time is no exception. One guard goes down with a blow to the head from my knife handle. The second and third follow suit. They never suspected a thing.
After I tie the guards up in the shed with wire bound rope, I run across the small clearing and to the side door of the mansion. The door opens without trouble and I slip in. Warm air rushes over my skin and a distant sound of music playing greets me. A hallway with several doors is in front of me. I chose one in particular. It leads to a storage closet. Smelly and cramped for space, at least it will keep me from being seen until the time is right.
As a matter of fact, the time is almost right.
“I’m in position. The obstacles are cleared.”
“Right,” Rowan replies immediately. “Things are about to heat up.”
I clench my teeth, clutching the handle of my knife. And I wait. One second. Two seconds. Three seconds. Four seconds.
Then I hear it. Loud and clear coming through the ear piece Rowan is wearing. The sound of a gun firing and people screaming.
I do not envy Rowan’s task in this mission.
Several more seconds pass by. Then minutes. It's getting close to ten. I'm sweating and feeling clahstrophobic. Running my free hand through my damp blond hair, I look up at the metal ceiling of the storage closet, then down at my feet, at all the supplies around me.
Unrecognizable words are being spoken through the ear piece. I can't tell what Rowan is saying. Whatever it is, he needs to get out of there. Soon.
"Hurry your ass, Dylan."
I don't hear anything over the ear piece, but I do hear the sound of distant footsteps.
Good enough for me.
Replacing my knife, I push the door open and step out just as Dylan and the girl come running around the corner.
"Where are we going?" She asks.
Dylan doesn't answer. He sees me and nods. I nod back.
The girl has no idea what's about to happen. She blindly followed Dylan down here, thinking he was taking her to safety from the maniac upstairs with the gun. But she was fooled. It was all a ploy. With her alone and all the guards either tied up or otherwise occupied, there was no one to come to her rescue.
"Let's go," I say, moving to the other side of the girl.
"Go where?" The girl asks. I think she's beginning to understand that there's more going on here. She stops short of the door, but isn't able to get anywhere else. Dylan grabs one arm, I grab the other.
"Sorry," I say. "But you have to come with us."
"How nice of you," Dylan mocks.
She starts to struggle. A high pitch scream begins to escape her lips. I glance at her, how beautiful she is, those wide blue eyes. Then it's all gone. Dylan hits her over the head, knocking her unconcience and throws her over his broad shoulder.
"Get the door," he says quickly. I know he's anxious to get out of here. To make sure Rowan has a clean exit.
I take the lead, opening the door and jogging out into the night. Dylan follows closely. We make it to the opening in the wall and slip through without any trouble. The same for the rest of the way to the spot where Dane waits.
"Rowan, get out of there." I hear Dylan say. "Come on, bro. Get the hell out of there..."
"Roger that," Rowan confirms. "Making my exit. I hope you did your job, Dane."
"Piss off. Of course I did," Dane snaps.
Dylan shifts his weight. Although the girl doesn't weigh a lot, the thought that Rowan might not make it out alive does. It was a risky job to pull. Kidnapping the daughter of Darrien Winchester. But everything is risky nowadays.
"Come on, Rowan..." Dylan whispers, his breath coming out in small puffs of white. It's gotten a lot colder within the last five mintues. Much colder than I had planned for. A thin jacket shields the cold from my skin. Ripped jeans allow the cool wind to breeze across my legs. I'm shivering.
"It's about... to... happen..." Rowan's voice is crackly. But we all hear it anyway. A big boom. I look at the mansion doors. They are caved in, blocking anyone from leaving. And by the time the guards make it another exit, we'll be long gone by then.
Dylan scans the dark yard, looking for that lone figure that should be running in our direction.
It doesn't take us long to see him.
"Stop standing around like a bunch of bloody idiots!" Rowanexclaims. "We gotta go!"
Without another glance back at the mansion, we leave, taking with us the best leverage we've had in this war for a long time.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
12 Reviews


Points: 324
Reviews: 12

Donate
Sun Apr 28, 2013 7:27 pm
Unstoppable285 wrote a review...



...Oh...My...GOSH! OK that is by far the best piece of work i have ever read. it had suspense, adventure and an amazing cliff hanger at the end i might add. The first sentence though probably isn't the best. although it got me interested it was not good enough, but whatever floats your boat and all. Second thing (the only other bad thing other than the spellings) was the fact that i can't picture the characters, i can picture the place but the other character aren't too good.

The best thing is defiantly the ending, it rocks. I will read and probably love the rest, by the keep writing no matter what and basically keep up the amazing work :D
Unstoppable285 :P




User avatar
15 Reviews


Points: 2090
Reviews: 15

Donate
Thu Apr 18, 2013 1:46 am
Azirah wrote a review...



Others have pointed out the spelling mistakes, so I won't go into that. I'll tackle your first person POV instead.

Is the protagonist a girl? If the name Jack is anything to go by, then your narrator is probably a boy. This blindsided me because I honestly expected your narrator to be a girl after reading a few paragraphs. Your narrator certainly sounded like one. I'm not very good at discerning what, exactly, makes a narrative sound like it was written by a certain gender, so I can't give you a definitive guideline on how to make it sound less feminine. What I can do, however, is give you a few examples of books written from a male narrative that sounds distinctly male (I feel some books fail to sound male - e.g. Beautiful Creatures, Across the Universe):

1. Lolita, by Vladimir Nabokov [Also a good example of voice. You have some semblance of a voice in this narrative - much better than most other first person narratives. However, I'd still like to see a clearer voice shining through. This might be a personal preference, though.]

2. It's Kind of a Funny Story, by Ned Vizzini

3. The Perks of Being a Wallflower, by Stephen Chbosky [Again excellent example of voice. I'd actually recommend reading this book not just because of the narrator, but because it's an amazing read.]

4. Thirteen Reasons Why, by Jay Asher

5. Amnesia Clinic, by James Scudamore

Out of all these, only Lolita offers a more mature male protagonist - if I recall correctly, he's over 40 years old? Not sure. The rest have protagonists in his teens, which is around the age I believe your protagonist is.

If your protagonist isn't a teen, then that's another problem. He sounds like a teenager. If he's actually older, you might want to have a more mature voice instead of the teeny boppy vibe the narrative is giving off. Listen to people in their twenties talking, and really pay attention. What do they think? What do they notice? What do they prioritize? Then, work that into your novel.

I'd also like a description of the characters. Right now they're only voices in my head. However, I do agree with not putting the descriptions here right now. It's not the right time, because this is a tense scene - even though I feel it's not tense enough. Try to show me more of the character's emotions. I'd like to see body language as well. Does he break into a cold sweat, or does his breathing quicken? Or are these reactions he used to have before he got used to situations like these? If it's such a high stakes mission, he seems awfully calm. Feelings, please.

I'm also a little unsure about whether a blue flag can ever be inconspicuous, unless the team isn't the one that put it there. I don't know about you, but if I was a security guard and I saw a seemingly-innocuous blue flag, I'd definitely be on alert. The feeling I get from this is that it has fallen into the dumb-security-guard trap. It makes it a bit difficult to believe. This was way too easy for the protagonists.

Rule of thumb: it's your job to make your protagonist's life hard. Don't make it easier for him by having dumb security guards. Think about it. If you knew your daughter could be amazing leverage for a war, would you hire stupid security guards? No. You'd get the best money could buy, and if they're being paid the kind of money they should be getting, you can bet they're not going to be as lax as they are in this chapter. Besides, brilliant antagonists are more engaging than easily-beaten ones.

Good luck revising, if you choose to do so!

Azirah




User avatar
18 Reviews


Points: 990
Reviews: 18

Donate
Mon Apr 01, 2013 5:52 pm
EatSleepRead1120 wrote a review...



Hey, EatSleepRead here. First of all, WELCOME TO YWS. :)

The person below me practically said everything I was going to say.

"I move passed Dane, going a few paces away so I can get a good look at the mansion." I think it would be better to say "I move 'past' Dane".

Really interesting story! I love the suspense and the characters! I love the dialogue, too. The description is really great also! :) Really really good job!

I hope you continue this story, it is awesome. :) Maybe say more about why they hate the people so much, and more about the daughter? And also, I was wondering what Dane's task was. What did he have to do?

Keep writing!
~Renee




User avatar
933 Reviews


Points: 4261
Reviews: 933

Donate
Sun Mar 31, 2013 6:54 pm
Iggy wrote a review...



Greetings and welcome to YWS! My name is Ariel and I'm a mentor here, so expect a post on your wall regarding The Buddy System soon. BD

Also here to leave a review! Okay, let's get started. First, the first line:

I grimace. This is it.

I just feel like it disrupts the flow of the story before it's even begun! I think you could do with a better sentence that transitions into the grimacing. I suggest just rewriting that sentence, making it less blunt. ^-^

Another nitpick is this:

I'm sweating and feeling clahstrophobic.

Spelling error, should be: claustrophobic.

Another:

... knocking her unconcience

Should be: unconcious.

I think that's it. Overall, it was a nice chapter! I can't wait to read more, so don't hesitate to post a link on my wall once chapter two goes up. Great job!

Cheers.~

xx Ariel.




User avatar
935 Reviews


Points: 2806
Reviews: 935

Donate
Sun Mar 31, 2013 1:20 am
Shady wrote a review...



Hey Ainh!

Shady here with a review for you this fine evening! :D

I must say, I enjoyed this piece quite a bit. And by that, I mean it's one of my favorite works on here. I'm very into these type of stories, and you wrote it very well. As you commented on earlier, you and I seem to have similar writing styles-- and I adore your description.

As well as your characters. They're very strong individuals, and each has a strong voice-- and I know that's really hard to do. My characters often act very similar, making it hard to differentiate between them-- you don't have that problem at all.

Also...

"Stop standing around like a bunch of bloody idiots!"
~ This part made me smile. I often use 'bloody' as a curse word, both in real life and in my writing, but I don't meet many other people who do. I approve. 8)

Let me know when the next bit is up!

~Shady 8)




User avatar
19 Reviews


Points: 1348
Reviews: 19

Donate
Sat Mar 30, 2013 3:34 am
blakey789 wrote a review...



The first line got me confused for a moment but I got it later that this is the moment. It might be casue I have just woke up.

For starters, there are some spelling mistakes..like it should be claustrophobic, unconsicous etc.

There are a few guards and several military style trucks parked next to a large shed. -- There are few guards and several military style trucks parked next to a large shed.

A hallway with several doors is in front of me.
*Here, the word 'doors' conflicts with the word 'is'.*
You can rather write -- I can see a hallway with several doors, in front of me.

Smelly and cramped for space, at least it will keep me from being seen until the time is right. -- Smelly and cramped for spaces, at least it will keep me hidden until the time is right.

*You can use any other word in place of hidden, but remove the 'from being seen'. Cause it is a possibly incorrect verb form.*

As a matter of fact, the time is almost right. -- In fact, the time is just right.

*The sentence sounds bleak with 'as a matter of fact' and 'almost'.*

I clench my teeth, clutching the handle of my knife.

The line 'clutching the handle of my knife' should be rewritten. Read it and you'll know..

Now, first of all, I liked the name Devil's Trap and the plot was quite engaging as the action was going. There was tension in the air which the reader could feel..but if rewritten, the reading would be more easy and we could feel every moment to its full without any distraction.

You should tell the reason, even if it's dystopian, you know. So, we could understand the things which are going around in this.

Hope me review helped..:)





I wondered why we put villains in our stories when we have plenty of them in real life; then I realized that maybe we wanted stories where the good guy wins.
— nogutsnoglory