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by DukeofWonderland

The sun remained as unfriendly as always,
the clouds- they’ve probably been bullied away.
Embracing her cloth more tightly, more close now,
she squinted, scanning for the bus stand.

There must have been seven, yes seven, who waited
for their twelve pm transport under scarce shade.
Reddened in pallor, they laughed at the lame humor
of a friend’s impersonated rant.

Our girl approached, rubbing dry her sweaty palms,
while the sun ascended to its peak -
taunting witnesses, beaming pride, it boasts aloud,
as, for centuries, the afternoon sun has.

‘Astaghfirullah’ her lips spilled out, ‘It’s hot!’
she clarified with a smile. They stared like she
had expected them to do: alien, with a foreign hue -
though hiding her difference was never the plan.

Disbelief tinted glances now questioned her, sneaked in
the way her self-confidence had sneaked away.
The paranoia sniffed in her aura’d putrefied by now,
the discomfort fidgeting with her hands.

“You’ve wrapped your head in summer?” The toddler dangling
from across her, curiously grinned as she answered away
“I like it this way,” her voice fading as
his mother reproached “No talking to strangers, Sam.”

His slipped in smiles still gave her comfort
that her religious choices wouldn’t doom her for good.
‘Maybe the kindergartners won’t see
the shadow of prejudice, marring me for all I’m not.’

As the bus coughed to halt, her hands clasped in silent prayer
‘Maybe this’ll be the interview that gives me a job.’
She scurried past the eyeing passengers, past the misunderstandings that chained her
embracing the confidence her hijab gave her true self.

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179 Reviews

Points: 11017
Reviews: 179

Sun Mar 24, 2013 10:56 am
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guineapiggirl wrote a review...

Oooh, this was interesting. It seemed like just a description of people waiting at the bus stop but the title suggested otherwise...

I really like the way you've managed to sort of capture the way people are a little bit, and the way everyday life goes, in this poem, sort of like a alien would see it I guess...
I really like this couplet:

"Reddened in pallor, they laughed, lame humour -
Of a friend's impersonated rant."

It sounds really nice. I actually lvoe the whole of that middle stanza, in fact:

"There must have been seven, yes seven who waited
for their twelve pm transport; under scarce shade
Reddened in pallor, they laughed, lame humour -
Of a friend's impersonated rant."

It has a really good flow and it says something quite mundane yet sort of interesting and it's just really good.

I have one little thing to correct:

"While the sun ascended to it's peak -"

There shouldn't be an apostrophe in its. It's confusing, I know, but that's the way it is.

OK, hope I helped1 Great poem!

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Thank you.
And that it's and its is an American/British English difference that I always get corrected in :P

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1314 Reviews

Points: 23411
Reviews: 1314

Sun Mar 24, 2013 5:46 am
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Hannah wrote a review...

So I was very interested in this poem because to me the first stanza read like the opening of a description of the downfall of earth to our own pollution. The lack of punctuation between "away" and "embracing" made me think the clouds were embracing the earth more tightly now, more close, and then there was an actual human character squinting through all the smog for the bus stand.

I continued with this hunch, assuming the people were red because of sunburn from the ozone layer getting destroyed, and though the end of that stanza held no real value for me and fell flat, at the same time, I think it attempted to show people were laughing at the same lame jokes, and the last stanza shows the sun is doing its same, eternal thing, 'cause we didn't pollute it, and it will watch us burn.

It made me think about how long we'll continue trying to live normally. How long we'll go out waiting for buses to try to live lives the same way that we did when the ozone layer hadn't run out above us, making the sun dangerous and not just if we stay out at the beach a long time. Who these people are to brave that danger just for the bus.

But then I start worrying I missed your point all together. o_o So I am worried that if I start making suggestions as to how to pull the poem tighter to that point, I'm wasting my breath? I guess what I would say is we need one good, solid, concrete hint that this is a dystopic world, and I think the best way to do that would be to show covered faces. You know the face masks they wear in East Asia, especially when the dust storms from the Gobi desert get blown all over China? I think we'd starting wearing those when we went out, even though they might not really help, the idea of using them seems strong. To show a masked face would validate the presence of the pollution without showing any REAL concern, as a paper-y mask does not cancel out going out and waiting for the sun.

Ahh! I hope I didn't miss the mark. PM me if you have any questions or comments, please.
Good luck and keep writing!

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Thank you :D

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122 Reviews

Points: 3690
Reviews: 122

Sun Mar 24, 2013 5:16 am
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umaima wrote a review...

I am Umaima and am going to review your submission today!

Well I will give a short and sweet review for your poem because I couldn't really find any flaws. I am not that good yet to find flaws in such an amazing piece :).

To tell you the truth I loved this piece. The way you used the words and the way you described the whole scenario was really amazing. Your poem had a meaning or it described a particular thing which only made it better. non-rhythmic but went with a flow gives it an extra point.

So overall if I had to rate it I would give it a 9.5/10

I know the review didn't actually tell you your mistakes but this was my opinion about it. Hope it helped. Good luck on your next work.

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Thanks :)

umaima says...

You're most welcome

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60 Reviews

Points: 595
Reviews: 60

Sun Mar 24, 2013 1:02 am
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BrokenSkye wrote a review...

I found this to be a little unique considering the title, I wasn't sure what to expect. I hope you finish it with an ending that meets it's title's potential. Okay, first things first, in the first and last stanza implies that it is hot, so why does she embrace her cloth closer to her body? Also remove the word "now" from the third line, first stanza, it doesn't seem to fit there.

The second stanza is absolutely amazing! It really painted a great picture, I love imagery in poetry. I always believe that punctuation is key to perfection. You use it greatly except in ending. You don't have endings then start the next line with a capital, it isn't a big problem at all, just something I noticed.

Other than those things, the poem is amazing and I believe the ending will be just as good as the first three stanzas of it. Hope to see more of your work!

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Thanks. I'd like it if you explained that 'ending' concern of yours a bit deeper. That'd help :D

"I'd be a quote vigilante. A literary Batman. Someone had better be quoting me now!"
— Feltrix