Oooh, this was interesting. It seemed like just a description of people waiting at the bus stop but the title suggested otherwise...
I really like the way you've managed to sort of capture the way people are a little bit, and the way everyday life goes, in this poem, sort of like a alien would see it I guess...
I really like this couplet:
"Reddened in pallor, they laughed, lame humour -
Of a friend's impersonated rant."
It sounds really nice. I actually lvoe the whole of that middle stanza, in fact:
"There must have been seven, yes seven who waited
for their twelve pm transport; under scarce shade
Reddened in pallor, they laughed, lame humour -
Of a friend's impersonated rant."
It has a really good flow and it says something quite mundane yet sort of interesting and it's just really good.
I have one little thing to correct:
"While the sun ascended to it's peak -"
There shouldn't be an apostrophe in its. It's confusing, I know, but that's the way it is.
OK, hope I helped1 Great poem!
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Reviews: 179
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