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by Booie

I love to watch them run. So free, so wild.......... so happy. As I sit in my chair, I can see them. I can see the rolling hills, the vibrant colors of the wild flowers spread like a blanket over the meadows. I see the majestic oak trees standing tall and grand at the edge of the forest. And then I see them, the horses. They gallop over the crest of a hill, as if there were no tomorrow, they run not for sport but for the joy of the feeling of freedom. They gallop through the meadows, manes flying, hooves thudding on the ground. Leading the herd is the most magnificent, black stallion I have ever seen. He leads them as he was born to do, with great care and respect. I can see it on his face how he cares for these beautiful animals. He leads them towards the forest. They charge across the meadow and then they are gone, and I am once again alone.

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1315 Reviews

Points: 23536
Reviews: 1315

Sat Mar 23, 2013 6:48 am
Hannah wrote a review...

Hmm, is this a story? Usually when I think of what constitutes a story, I want something to change. Whether its the mindset of a character, the world around them, the way other people see that character, how they see other people, etc., but I want something to change so that I feel moved, like I've been on a journey. I don't think this is a story. I think this is a fragment that you might keep and try to use in future stories.

That said, about this fragment!

It's very vague. It has about as much impact as if I told you I saw some horses running yesterday and it was awesome. Okay, you have one specific: a black stallion at the head of the group. But nothing else is given specificity, and so for me nothing else comes to life. What color are the hills? How do they roll? What color are the wild flowers? Can you smell them? Which ones are they? Do you know their names? Do you pick them? Are the oak trees in a line? In a group? How are they majestic? What gives you that impression? What about the horses' style of running makes you think they're running like there's no tomorrow? What happens when their hooves thud on the ground? Why is this particular black stallion magnificent? And do you not know where these horses come from? Where are you that there would be wild horses you wouldn't expect or know? How do you know that he has respect and care? What do you see on his face?

Besides physical specificity...

what do you feel that you've seen these horses? Do horses have some special meaning for you? For example, are you in a wheelchair, having known the ability to run and lost it, and imagining yourself with the horses? Maybe a family member is in a wheelchair? Or horses remind you of something else? Did you once ride them? Were you scared? Did you fall? Why is it important for you to tell us that you saw some horses running?

See what I mean? There are so many so many so many questions. You don't have to answer all of them, of course, but pick the ones that make an interesting story. Give us details so we can imagine this scene and get a feel for why you're bothering to write this down at all. (:

PM me if you have any questions or comments. Good luck and keep writing!

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89 Reviews

Points: 625
Reviews: 89

Tue Mar 19, 2013 6:32 pm
abelgaiya wrote a review...

This was very good, except for the glitch at the beginning.
You say you can see them, and then in the next sentence, instead of indicating 'them', you started talking about the environment; and then you say you see them...again.

This vignette: "...manes flying, hooves thudding on the ground." needs more figurative touch to it. It would be better if you compare the swaying of the manes and the thudding of the hooves to some artistic image. For instance, "...the hooves trampling on the evergreen grass, like an army marching on to battle...". Just an example.

Everything else is wonderful. Cheers!

Booie says...

Thanks I'll take everything into account next time I'm writing.

I'll show my defiance through ironic obedience!
— AstralHunter