Published March 17, 2013
Here I stand
Lowly and weak
A pillar of shame
One who cannot speak
Day after day, I watch my home
Collapse into a kingdom of flames
As time marches on, seasons change.
When Spring comes; flowers bloom
even in a world that is full of hate
and disdain.
My brothers and sisters are
Abandoned voices that are
forever gone, but always forgotten.
Names never to be spoken again
All I can do is wonder,
Wonder why humanity
has turned a blind eye on me
And on those who cannot speak.
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139,616 Literary Works • 672,629 Reviews
It should say one in the beginning.
Hey there!
I suck at reviewing but I'll try anyway.
I really like this poem, in particular the imagery used to construct it.
Its almost like you're describing a person who feels like they can't speak, not that they actually can't. For they fear the consequences of thier words, perhaps that they will be judged for their opinion. You know, 'quiet people have the loudest minds' so i really appreciate that your written the poem from the personas perspective. My favourite stanza is the last one:
"All I can do is wonder,
Wonder why humanity
has turned a blind eye on me
And on those who cannot speak."
It really shows society's outlook a voiceless people. Almost like your addressing this idea that by saying nothing, we are overlooked, forgotten about. We become invisible, like we don't even exist. And that does something to a person, messes with their mind, puts things out of perspective, distorts ones perception of reality. At least thats what i think.
Its a nicley written piece of work, keep it up,
YOLBYI XX
I would love to pick apart the smallest details; to separate iota from atom and cruft from crust; to really review your work. But you have so many reviews, and you have yet to implement some of their changes! I hate, with all the vigor of my innate computer scientist, to be redundant.
What I am saying, in essence, is this: I have pretty much nothing to say that Rydia did not say for me. Once you have sorted and assimilated her suggestions, I'll be more than willing to try it out. As it is, however - good poem, with many pending considerations in its store - I'd rather let you work on it some more.
Feel free to ask me to review anything and everything; do not take this as a rejection - it is simply asking permission to wait and try again later.
~Skorlir
Hi Ari! I'm here to review as promised
Specifics
1. I'd suggest removing the 'of' from the last line of the first stanza. It's breaking your flow and you don't need it. Other than that, you've got a really good opening with a strong use of rhyme and rhythm.
2.
This is a slightly rough transition after the high structure of the previous stanza! I'd suggest easing the rhyme out a little more slowly, so perhaps:
Days after days
I have watched my home - collapse
into a kingdom of flames
It's always best to try to keep transitions between changes in form as smooth as possible.
3. You've got quite a few phrases like 'day after day' and 'time marches on' which are over-used and have so little real meaning anymore. Try to think of your own way of describing the movement of time. Does it drift like clouds? Does it chug like a boat? That first line of stanza three could be, 'As time dips like a ship, the seasons change'. Basically, find a more interesting phrase!
4. I love what you're saying in stanza four, but I wonder if it couldn't be, 'My brothers and sister have/ Abandoned voices which are' I'd suggest the use of 'have' because it adds a nice ambiguity and the sound of the word is stronger than 'are'. Then I suggest 'which' because it flows more smoothly and is less jarring 'than' that.
5. The 'forever gone but always forgotten' line is a little strange as I feel it should be forever gone and always forgotten. Using but makes it feel like you're going to add a positive to the existing negative, not another negative.
Overall
Good ending! You have a strong theme and this is well put together, though a little bare in places. I'd like to know more about who these who cannot speak are? Why can't they speak? Because they're afraid or because they are unable?
A few finer details to fill in some of the gaps would really help to improve this poem. You've got a good foundation though!
All the best,
Heather xxx
This was really lovely, I like it a lot.
Good job.
I wanted to give another review on this to tell you why I did this, and help you understand what I meant when I rephrased this. I quoted it the way I did, because I felt like it needed more structure and tone. Tone is something I'm really in to. When you are reading something, you hear a voice inside as if someone is reading to you. When you pause, you use a comma. When you put a period, you are stopping this section and moving on to the next. You want to make sure that people can read this with ease, and at comfort; You want to make sure that people can understand what you are writing and they don't have to have a hard time trying to figure it out. You know when you are sitting down, having a conversation and you stop for a second, and then move on. You can tell if you stop long enough, if it is a pause or you are moving to the next section of the topic. I really hope this also helps! I just wanted you to know, I'm not giving you this review for my typing skills, it's so you know why I reviewed you the first time the way I did.
Hello, here to review you as you asked. I think that it is good and strong, I really like it dear. I tend to rhyme in my poems, so I think you did good. I would like to rewrite it the way that I see it. I look at poems differently than some people, so I would like to show you. If I give you advice that is misleading, incorrect, or you disagree then please inform me.
*clears throat* Now lets dig in, shall we?
Like I said before, this is just what I think. I really hope it helps, you did a good job. Keep writing, and if you ever need help I'm always here!
Sometimes I just get depressed... Today's one of those days
Hello there Arianna! Terribly sorry for getting to you on time with this review! Anywho, I really love reading your writing
I do hope you continue sending me links to whatever you post and I miss on my reviewing prowling. I especially love the excellent vocab you use in your writing in this poem, there are some excellent words that I was not expecting and really added a great description to your writing. Let's dive in now shall we?
"Lowly and weak"
I think perhaps you could add in some stronger word choices here. I would suggest that you look up "weak" in a thesaurus to find some particularly strong words to add to the description, like "meek" and many others. I'll leave that all up to your own discourse.
"Of who cannot speak"
This line confused me a little bit because if you think about it, you're saying: "Here I stand, a weakling, a pillar of shame, of who cannot speak." When you read that as a sentence it doesn't make much sense, try saying something more like: "Of one who can't speak" or you can leave "cannot" instead of "can't," whatever works best for you my friend!
"full of hate and disdain"
Now this is certainly my favorite line of the entire poem. The "disdain" word choice really makes your piece here, just because it really holds loads of emotion and description in it that it really connects well with the reader.
"forever gone, but always forgotten."
Now you already used "gone" as a descriptor for your family in the line two above. Here is a way to really play with some words though, perhaps go along with something like: "forever meandering through oblivion/ but always forgotten." That little idea of exploring that abstract idea of "gone" just for one line really adds a great air to your poem.
You have a great stanza to end your piece on, a great way to bring closure to your writing. All and all some great poetry here and I loved reading it, the only thing I was upset about is that you didn't expand a little upon the "Collapse into a kingdom of flames" bit. That, in itself, as loads of potential in imagery and description. But as it is this is a fantastic piece of work, I enjoyed reading this, let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh
Thank you to all who suggested I definitely appreciate all of your help.
Love this very much. Its very deep and emotional and I can tell you put lots of thought into this. I have to say the best part I think is "All I can Do is wonder, Wonder why Humanity has turned a blind eye on me And on those who cannot speak". Very good but I felt like you could have gone on longer with the entire poem. Overall I like this.
i loved your poem so just wanted to give a review...
It was amazing, and i've been looking for this type of deep poem for such a long time and i finally got one.
Thanks to you friend! and i would love to read some more of your writings.... So keep writing!
Thanks again for such a beautiful poem!
Hey there! Sea here with your review.
What a lovely start you have here! There are some absolutely wonderful lines in there. Some of your word paintings are very nice. My personal favourite is:
When we think of "kingdoms" we think of something that is built. But you took an entirely different turn - a kingdom created through destruction. Very nice.
In that first stanza, you've got a rhyme between lines two and four. I don't see any other rhymes in the poem, so this sort of sticks out. Especially because the lines are so short, a very obvious rhyme can be a little distracting for some reason.
Sticking with the first stanza, the last line bugged me. I couldn't get it to make any sense in context. But that could just be me.
Flow:
It's a little choppy at times, and I think you could easily think of ways to smooth it out if you read it out loud to yourself. Better yet, have someone you trust read it to you so you don't force the words into the flow you envision. Take your first stanza, for example. You've sliced and diced a single short sentence into groups of three or four words that don't quite ease into each other. It makes for a very unstable rhythm. You also place a lot of brick walls in there with punctuation. This stanza is a great example of a flow chopped by both punctuation and content:
Semi-colons and periods usually imply a complete stop. It's totally legal to change those to commas. I think it's called parataxis or something. However, the ideas are a little disjointed. While they are all under the umbrella of time changing, I feel like I'm leap-frogging from one phrase to the next instead of following a stream.
Punctuation:
There are several different ways to punctuate a poem. Some poets prefer not to use any punctuation, others follow the standard rules. But no matter what you choose, the only real rule is to stay consistent. Sometimes you have periods at the ends of sentences, sometimes you do not. Sometimes you stick in the necessary commas, and sometimes you don't. See what I mean?
For this poem, I think you could get away with leaving punctuation out. It might be an artistic statement of the lack of structure and attention your speaker experiences. Just a thought. It's entirely up to you.
Overall, I think this is a lovely poem, and I enjoyed it very much. Let me know if I can do anything else for you.
-Sea-