Young Writers Society

Chapter 3

I woke with a start.

Before my brain registered the fact, I was crying.

It was that dream again.

My body shook with sobs I couldn’t control. The sobs I didn’t want to control, for I knew it was a wasted effort. Not one night had passed in the last one year when I didn’t have this dream, when I didn’t cry over this dream, when I didn’t hope and pray that this would just be a dream. When I didn’t wish that I could somehow go back and change everything that happened that night. Stop it all from happening.

Daksh Saigal.

I’d met him two years back, during 9^th class mid-term exams. Before that I’d just known him as the new guy in class 11^th. Through the exams we spent a little time chatting when our exam was over before the allotted three hours and we had spare time at hand. Sometimes he’d even help me with some questions I didn’t know, often simply dropping hints, and telling the whole answer once in a while. I can confidently say that the only reason I scored 86 on my science exam, having barely studying the night before, was him and his ‘hints’. Once the exams ended we continued with the occasional ‘hello’ and ‘how are you’. Soon these turned to hurried catching up sessions between classes and before I realised it, six weeks later we found ourselves sitting across the table at barista on one of our free Sunday evenings.

That coffee changed things between us. From acquaintances, we became friends, and from friends we became best friends. Over the coffee, I shared with him things not many people knew. I felt an instant connection with him.

By the end of the week I had a small crush on him.

By the end of the month, I was in love with him.

The sight of him, set my heart racing. When his hand would accidently brush against mine, my stomach went crazy with the butterflies. And when I looked into his eyes, the world was lost to me. When I was around him, I felt as if the world was somehow better, happier.

In that one short month, we developed a routine: we went to the canteen for a shared cola during the recess, when the classes were over and we were left free for a few hours, we met near the stables and had long conversations. Somehow, we never ran out of topics to discuss. My theory was that this was because I loved him and secretly he loved me to (this was pure imagination). Samara’s theory was that this was because I was a chatterbox. She did suspect that I had a crush on him but I always denied it.

Once a month we were allowed to meet our guardian or family. I’d just got back after an hour with Samara and her parents. I decided to go to the stables and wait for Daksh as we’d planned to meet there after our visiting stuff was over. He’d said he was gonna give me a surprise and I was completely exited over it, thinking of all the possibilities.

I waited there for half an hour before I started feeling restless. Checking my watch I saw it five thirty already. He should have come by now. Visit time was till six and from six fifteen we had prep classes, and we just could not miss those. I decided to wait for another five minutes and if he wasn’t there by the end of five minutes, I would leave. I was just getting up to leave when I saw a figure appear At a distance. I recognised him from even that far and the joy suddenly filled me. A few seconds passed before I realised something was wrong. Someone was with him. As the two came closer the someone became more visible.

It was a girl.

And they were holding hands.

I felt a fire of rage burning inside me, consuming every part of me. Within seconds of the realisation I was mentally abusing the girl with more ferocity than ever before, so much so that some of the words that escaped my mental mouth surprised even me. The rage in me doubled and I suddenly saw red when I saw Daksh put his hand around her waist and pull her closer to him.

“Hey Jess,” He said once they reached us. His voice was full of amusement and His face had a look of delight.

“Hi,” I responded in a muted voice and put on a strained smile before turning to the girl. “Hey, I’m Jessie, Daksh’s best friend.”

She smiled and waved at me While Daksh introduced her. “Jess this is Kanika, my girlfriend.”

In those words I heard my heart shattering. It was as if a giant wave had come over me and was drowning me in it, pulling me in deeper to a death I was welcoming. It felt like he’d shot me with a million bullets at once.

So, being a best friend does come with a cost, I guess, I thought. I knew that I had to remain calm and composed. And so I began my facade. “It’s lovely to meet you Kanika. Daksh never told me about you. What a bad boy.” I said, forcing a large smile and punching his arm lightly.

“Nice to finally meet you Jessie,” She said with warmth in heart. I wanted to stuff that warmth down her throat just to see how she would look burning. Shaking myself mentally, I brought my attention back to what Kanika was saying. “I’ve literally been dying to meet you. Daksh never shuts up about you. Sometimes I feel like you’re the one he’s in love with.” She said with a laugh.

I looked at Daksh searchingly before turning my attention back to her and saying, “But you’re wrong. He loves you. Me and Daksh, we’re just friends, best friends.” I smiled politely.

Kanika turned to look at Daksh and the look she gave him sent shivers down my spine and another wave crashing on top of me. In that moment I knew I had to escape. I knew I had to get away from these two, for my well-being and my self-respect.

Checking my watch once again I said, “Oh look it’s six fifty already. Sorry guys but I’ve gotta run. Prep starts at six fifteen and I have to clear up my cupboard and the bed before I go, Warden’s gonna inspect the room while we’re in class, and if my stuff’s not sorted, she’ll hang me by my toes.”

With that I ran off without waiting for them to respond. I knew that if I stopped for even a minute I would break down. The fight against the tears I’d trapped in my eyes, to not let them escape was difficult. Reaching the dormitory, I was relieved to find it empty. I crept into my bed and cried in full force for twenty minutes, before my room-mates came in to call me for the prep. I told them to tell the teacher that I was not well.

That moment made me feel like an idiot, the world’s biggest idiot. How could I have even thought that Daksh would love me? I wasn’t special. I wasn’t pretty. My hair wasn’t perfectly styled. I didn’t wear make-up.

I wasn’t like Kanika.

I was ‘Simple’.

And ‘simple’ is ‘Boring’.

Three hours later I was sitting on my table and trying to divert my mind from the picture of Daksh and Kanika to the pictures of distillation and sublimation, which being chemistry, was pig latin to me.

The dormitory door banging open pulled me out of my thoughts and I truned to see Samara walk into the room with an envelope in her hand.

“Why didn’t you come for the prep?” She asked with suspicion in her eyes. “And why did you miss dinner. They had Pizzas today!”

“I wasn’t well.” I said. Trying to play dumb I added, “Didn’t the others tell you?”

She narrowed her eyes and gave me the ‘I-Know-You’re-Hiding-Something-From-Me-But-I-Won’t-Ask-Cause-Eventually-You-Will-Have-To-Tell-Me’ look. She maintained her gaze for a moment and when I didn’t say anything, she shrugged and flopped on my perfectly made bed.

“Well, whatever,” She said, and then extending the envelope to me she said, “I’m supposed to give you this.” When I gave her the questioning look she added, “Some little guy came to me when I was leaving prep and told me to give it to Jessie Randhawa. Said if I Know her then I should give it to her, and not to open it. He looked kinda scared in a cute way. When I told him you were my best friend he looked and give it to you right away, he hugged me and ran away.”

I laughed at this and took the envelope from her extended hand. It was blank, no clue as to who it could be from. I tore it open and found a single sheet of paper inside folded in half. I opened to read the words on it written in a handwriting I knew as well as mine. ‘Meet me outside the Assembly Hall at nine. Sneak out and don’t tell anybody. I’ll be waiting so don’t be late.’

I stood up in a rush and glanced at the watch; nine ten. Ignoring the queries Samara threw at me. I stuffed the paper into my jeans pocket and putting on my shoes, ran out of the dormitory and straight to the Assembly Hall, knowing that Samara would cover up for me. It was dark and quite when I reached. I got behind a bush to hide from teachers doing the rounds. As I waited in silence, my heart hammered as if in a horror movie.

“You came.”

The voice behind me made me jump.

Despite my vow of not reacting to him in any way, I couldn’t stop myself. My heart immediately skipped a beat and a smile came to my face on seeing him. Checking my response, I removed the smile from my face. But my heart that was beating faster, I couldn’t control.

Poker face on, my facade began. “Oh, it’s you,” I said, trying to sound disappointed.

“Yeah,” Daksh responded. “Who else? Hoping for someone better, huh?”

I didn’t respond and gave him the look that said I wasn’t amused.

“So,” he started, ignoring my stony expression, “What did you think of Kanika?”

The sound of her name made me see red again. But I knew that as a best friend, it was my duty to push aside all my personal issues and say what he wanted to hear. In this case, tell lies. “She was nice. Really sweet. You got a stunner there. I bet half the guys on campus must be burning on her and you.” I said and forced a smile for his sake, keeping my gaze on the ground. When he didn’t say anything for a bit, I continued, “So did you go out with her? I mean, like out of the campus?”

Coming out of his stupor, he said, “Yeah, We had loads of fun. It was good to spend time with her after so long.” The hint of amusement in his voice continued to frustrate me, making me want to punch him.

Hold on. What did I just think? Did that vile Kanika just make me want to punch my Daksh? Oh God! What is happening to me!! She’s messing with my head and I can’t let her do that.

Controlling my frustration, I said, “Oh.” With the silence hanging between us, I realised I was once again feeling very upset over him and Kanika. I once again realised that if I didn’t make my escape, I would end up crying. To make my escape I jumped away from him and turning away, I said, “Look Daksh, if you don’t have something important to say, then I’ll go, okay? I have some work to do so I’m not really free...”

Just as I was about to take a second step away from him, he said something, putting me into a stupor. “Do you know how adorable you are when you’re jealous?”

Oh shit. My cover was blown. Now I had two options. The first one was to play dumb and ignore whatever he said. Second was to accept my crush on him and let him know the reality. I wasn’t very keen on that because I knew if I did that, things would change. They would become awkward, forever. And so I decided to stick to the first option.

“Are you crazy?” I said, Forcing in a fake laugh. “Who said I’m jealous? Why on earth would I be jealous? I don’t even have anything to be jealous of.”

He was silent. I still wasn’t facing him. Finally he spoke. “Oh really, Jess? Then why did you run away from the stables in the afternoon.”

I was quite trying to come up with an excuse. The crunching of gravel as he moved around me and came to face me, was in time with my thoughts and I uttered the first idea that came into my mind. “Because, like I said, I had an inspection.”

He took a step closer and said, “No you didn’t. Samara was very sure there wasn’t any inspection.

Now I was definitely caught.

“Okay”, I said, making one last attempt, “that’s not the reason. I just wanted to give you and Kanika some alone time.” My lie sounded absolutely crappy even to myself.

He took another step towards me, the space between us gone. My heart was thumping so loud, that I barely heard what he said next. “But I didn’t want that.” A moment of silence and then he spoke up again, “ I wanted it with you.”

My suspicion turned to reality. I had gone deaf.

“How weird. I just thought you said you wanted alone time with me. I think I’ve got to get my ears checked.” I said and forced out another laugh.

“No you don’t,” he said. “I did just say that.”

Pulling me close, he enveloped me into a hug that was like a ticket to space.

Instantly, my eyes jerked up to him. As if in a dream I realised this was true. He wasn’t just saying this, he meant it. It all came flooding back to me in the next fraction of a second. The amusement in his voice. The mischievous smile on Kanika’s face. It all seemed to make sense. He was messing with me.

The realisation gave way to two very strong emotions. Happiness and anger filled me with such intensity that I shook with it. But as they say, love always wins. And here too, the anger for having messed with me, was soon overcome by the love I felt for him, the love I saw in his eyes. In that moment I knew that nothing and no-one could make me as happy as he had made me.

Chapter 4

The 7 months I spent with Daksh were one of the happiest times of my life.

Those were times of joy, delight, excitement, faith, love. But some moments also came with fear and doubt.

Doubt. My biggest weakness. I always doubted myself, my capability, my achievements, my character. Everything about myself was covered with a layer of doubt. I knew that Daksh loved me. Not even for a nano second did I ever doubt it. But there was a small voice in my head that was always nagging me. I’d always been insecure, and this voice added to my insecurity. I doubted if I was enough to keep Daksh to myself. There was always a fear in my mind that one day Daksh would realise something was wrong with me and he’d leave me.

My fear would often come out on Daksh when I’d lose my temper unnecessarily on him. Almost every alternate day we’d fight. Every fight would lead to anger and frustration on both side. He’d lose his anger soon enough, calming down almost at once, I for some reason would stick to mine. As my anger would dissipate slowly, anger and frustration would be replaced by guilt and fear. Guilt would be for having gotten mad at him for no reason or stupid reason. And fear was of losing him. Every single fight of ours would leave me shivering with fear, freaked out over the fact that he might leave me, that he would realise I wasn’t worth the fight. After this came the tears. Then Samara would try to comfort me by telling me he would never do such a thing. And then came the apologies. This was when Samara and Rohan became messengers. Chits with messages of ‘sorry’ and ‘I love you’ would be given to Samar, who passed it to Rohan who delivered it to Daksh. He would send another chit with ‘It’s okay’ and ‘I love you too’ via the same chain network going the other way. Rohan and Samara would always throw tantrums on being made messengers but they would eventually agree, peeping into the chits making it feel like a flashback into class sixth.

Yes, I’d always been afraid that Daksh would leave me, but then I’d also known somewhere in the small of my mind, that it was just a silly thing in my mind, that nothing could pull the two of us apart. It was this belief that kept me going every time we argued. It was this that always convinced me that we would always be together.

It was this that gave me the biggest shock of my life on fourth February two thousand eleven.

It was the day my dream always showed me. Samar’s birthday. But the dream never went ahead of Daksh’s words. I never let it go ahead, because I didn’t want what happened to happen, let alone happen again. But I never did realise that even if I may stop it from happening in the dream, it did happen in real. The events that changed everything for me...

As I walked back to the dormitory having said my goodbye, I could feel a knot in my stomach, as if something really bad was about to happen. I instinctively turned around to look at Daksh and saw him walking to the boys’ dormitory. As if feeling my gaze, he turned around and on seeing me watching him, smiled at him and waved at me. I smiled once and turned back to my destination pushing the knot aside.

“So I was thinking of that annual athletic meet you mentioned,” I heard Samara say to me and nodded at her, focusing my attention on what she was saying. “I don’t know if I’ll come along. It sounds like a great idea, but I’m just really out of practice. You know I didn’t take part anywhere this year, so I don’t think I’m in shape. Besides it’s just before the exams.”

“But Samara we’re all going!” I said, shifting to my pleading tone. Knowing that i had to convince her. “Plus you know it’s Daksh and Rohan’s last year in school. This could be out last and only chance to do anything like this with them. Please!! And I’ll help you with the studies. We’ll study in Bangalore also! Pukka promise!”

“I’ll talk to my mum yaar.” She said, with a puckered face. “If she agrees then I’ll come.”

We spent the next few minutes in silence as we approached the dormitory. When we reached our room, all the girls were in creating a racket. I hand signalled Samar to get changed and meet me in half an hour. Half an hour was actually calling the long shot, considering the rush we would meet at the washrooms. I rushed through my bath and got ready in a record timing of twenty five minutes. Samara, I saw, was still struggling to get in so I decided to give my chemistry notes a reading. By the time Samara came out I was almost done with the chapter. As luck would have it, the moment I closed my notes, Samara appeared next to me. I got up and we went to the dining hall while Samara repeated some gossip she’d heard in the dormitory. Dinner was full of conversation, a little of everything. I looked around for Daksh, but couldn’t locate him, so I assumed he would be in the second round.

“Hey Jess,” Samara said as we returned to the dormitory, “Could you explain me chapter three from biology? I’m a bit confused.”

“Sure,” I said, with an easy smile.

On reaching back, the dormitory was empty so I took advantage of it and explained the whole thing to Samara. When it was time for the lights to be out, we quietly crept into our beds and after saying a muted good night, slept off.

But it was long after that I finally fell asleep. My thoughts kept bouncing around my head, and shooing away any feeling of sleep. The uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach was back, and with it came the fear. Something kept nudging me, as if wanting to tell me something important. Knowing that I won’t be able to concentrate on class tomorrow if I didn’t sleep then, I pushed the thoughts to the back of my mind and slept off.

Next morning, I was up before everybody else. There was still an hour to go before we had to wake up and I knew that no-one would get up before that. So i decided to utilise the time and prepared a list of questions from our chemistry syllabus to revise with Samara during the free hour. Once the girls started stirring I Got up from the desk and went to the bathroom to brush my teeth. On getting back I found everyone was up and the rush for the washroom was about to begin. Picking up my belongings in a hurry, I rushed into the washroom before anyone could get in. Just as I was drying up, I heard a scream from the dorm. A few moments of silence later, someone knocked on the door.

“Jess?” I heard one of my roommates voice. The shakiness in her voice scared me.

“Yeah?” I asked, trying not to let my fear be heard.

“You’d better come out quick.” The words were barely out of her mouth, when I heard her footsteps rush out.

Fear gripped my insides, digging its roots deep into me. I wrapped my wet hair in the towel, putting on my clothes in a hurry I rushed out of the bathroom and into the dormitory. The sight surprised me. Almost every girl from the girl’s hostel was stuffed into our dormitory around Samara and my bed. My thoughts immediately shifted to Samara. Was she okay or had something happened to her? As I ran through the dormitory, Puffy and red eyes turned to look at me. The crowd around my bed parted as I approached and I saw Samara. She had drawn her knees up to her chin and was crying uncontrollably. I immediately rushed to her.

“Hey, Samara, what happened?” I asked urgently, taking her hand in mine and putting my arm around her shoulder in an effort to console her. “Tell me what happened? I’m sure it’ll all be okay? It can’t be bad enough to make Samara Kashyap. She’s our pillar, our strong girl. Come on stop now.” She still didn’t stop and continued crying. I didn’t know what to do. “Come on, everything’s fine,” I said, trying to sound confident. Looking towards the other girls I put on my brave smile and said “It is right? Everything’s as fine as it could be, right girls. We’re all strong and nothing can shake us. We’re all together.” I was surprised to see that more girls began to cry in response to my words, when I’d expected them to cheer on with me.

That was when I felt somebody tap my shoulder. I turned around to see Tamana’s tear stained face, gazing at me, with a crumpled expression on her face.

“Jess,” She said, her voice shaking with the sobs she was trying to control. She pulled me into a hug and said, “I’m sorry Jess. I’m really sorry that it happened.”

I pulled away from her and looked into her eyes. The sorrow in them made me recoil and almost wish to vanish from that spot. “What samara?” When I got no response from her, I shook her shoulders. “What happened?” No-one responded, I was met with sad and crying eyes. “Somebody please tell me what happened?” I yelled out in desperation.

“He died!” Samara said from behind me, her voice still shaking from the sobs. “Daksh died.”

I felt my body go numb, all my senses seemed to vanish.

Everything went black.

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